It's our obligation to remind you that these strong takes are presented as PARODY. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Im here to wish you a merry CHRISTmas. Dont call it a holiday thats disrespectful and intolerent of MY holiday. What does your NFL team want for the holidays? Well I'm here to tell you folks. PFT Santa is coming HARD down your chimney with a suprise in his sack for all the NFL teams.
Arizona Cardinals- New batteries for the defensive back meeting room smoke detector
Atlanta Falcon's- a starting RB under the age of 40 who can outrun a tree slug
Baltimore Ravens- one of those crowd noise metres that they have in Seattle except for there fans BAC
Buffalo Bills- a starting RB if you have 2 starting RBs you dont have 1.
Carolina Panthers- More cheerleaders who clean each other catstyle in the Marie Callendars bathroom
Chicago Bears- a WR who can put himself in position to not HAVE to make all those spectacular catches
Cleveland Browns- a closed garage door and a full tank of gas
Dallas Cowboys- A new stadium already probably
Denver Broncos- Global warming to hurry up and get here in time for the playoffs. Also a new fax machine.
Detroit Lions- Slightly thicker crossbars on there goalposts
Green Bay Packers- for Aaron Rogers to figure out if hes a bluecollar QB or a brokecollar QB- The reason for having a training room is to GET OUT of the training room. Hes putting in new cabinets and taking out lines of credit on it at this point.
Houston Texans- For Wade Philips NOT to somehow finish the season 2-0 to make a good case to take over fulltime
Indianapolis Colts- Hmm found this wishlist tweeted out in broken english: "Abbys hatpck 4 XMas I dont boozei only drink diet coke now,, thats cocaine mix with hyroxycut- GO COLTS"
Jacksonville Jaguars- A passport or a telly
Kansas City Chiefs- "we’ll just wait 2 see what Seattle gets and then copy that next year"
Minnesotta Vikings- Jon Kitna, Kyle Orton, Colt McCoy, Ryan Mallet, Cleo Lemon, Mark Sanchez, Luke McCown,Tarvaris Jackson, Charlie Whitehurst, Tyler Palko, Chase Danel, Colt Brennan, Brady Quinn, John Skelton, andKevin Kolb.
New England Patriots- Wishing they could go back to a TE who at leased woudnt shoot HIMSELF in the foot.
New Orleans Saints- Just a couple more weeks for Rob Ryan to pay back his bookie hes good for it and he has reason to believe that game of cow-shit bingo was fixed. And forgiveness for plowing your wife in the hottub at Sandals. And your daughter. And her friend from choir.
New York Giants- A screen door for Elis mouth
Oakland Raiders- bring back Al Davis at leased when he was around they were crazy and not just regular bad
Philadelphia Eagles- Walter Payton man of the year award for Riley Cooper. In other free speech news, "Duck Dynasty" is coincidentally what the Lincon Field earthworms also call the 2000-2009 era
Pittsburgh Steelers- A invisible fence for there coaches
San Diego Chargers- For Woodhead&Rivers 2 go on a shaving strike to support Pat Robertson
San Francisco 49ers- a REAL QB and not some gimmick. Lets face it if were talking Christmas gifts, Colin Wrappergift is the shredder slammer Pog version of a QB just a matter of time til his flashy destructive style of play is outlawed for good.
Seattle Seahawks- A new leash and waterbowl for the 49ers
St. Louis Rams- a explanation to there fans why Missouri gets two football teams but Pittsburg only gets one
Tampa Bay Buccaneers- Billy Joel to perform Weird Als "Schiano man" at half time of Coachs last game in a tearful goodbye
Tennessee Titans- a logo that looks a little less intentonally like the KKK symbols
Washington Redskins- you mean besides allegedly needing an new team name, owner, coach, starting QB, fans, stadium, and some draftpicks? There all set.
Merry Christmas folks! From me to you Godbless you all except if you read this Obummer.