It's our obligation to remind you that these strong takes are presented as PARODY. For the literal-minded football fans, there's the door. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Danny "Newsboy" Woodhead Lunchpail Fella Of The Week: Rex Ryan
Rex doesnt just pack a lunch folks he goes full on foie gras style when its time to get a goddamn snack,, and his goose that looked cooked before the game just ran a fowl of the Jets engine and got sucked in.(That’s sportswriting right there calling all columists thats how you work a theme I teach classes by the airport if your interested)
You cant squeeze blood out of a stone but Rex managed to do what hundreds of Genos classmates at WVU couldn’t do and find a vein on his QB letting him run wild back there like Geno was meant to. The Jets are not a good foot ball team and in fact there a bad foot ball team but the fact the matter is if the Browns played any worse Rex would of got their face tattooed on his arm. Rex is known as a type who always looks to snatch things from the feet but victory usualy isn’t one of them.
The entire city of New York was line up against Rex at the start of the year for getting Mark Sanchez hurt but in stead they should be wishing Rex Feliz Navidad for tearing up Marks shoulder like it’s a slowroasted carnita. Yessir Rex took a bite out of the Big Apple like it was coated in carmel folks. Whether its the salty powder at the bottom of cool ranch doritos or his job, Rex is known for saving a lot of things and if the Jets can get a QB, RB, WR, TE, OG, LB, CB, S, punter, and a entirely new set of coaches and ownership they could make some noise in 2014.
Man you talk about braking it off in the Saints, ol Lunchpail Luke came to play. 24 tackles and a INT is just a nother day at the office for Luke whose collars as blue as his blood folks. Cam was to busy wiping the mud off the underarmor logo on his sneakers to be bothered to play for the first 59 minutes of the game meanwhile Luke Kuechly put up 2 dozen factorplays. I tell you hes not a linebacker hes a Spinebacker as the backbone of this defence.
This game was played in a terrential downpour in Carolina and the Panther’s were to busy lining up 2 by 2 on Rons Riverboat while the Saints were getting dinked and dunked. Rob Ryan doesn’t coach or do anything well if things are watered down and I dont know which was a bigger factor in this one his defensive tackles or his DTs.
Showoff of The Week: Peyton Manning
Pay-Ton Manning is once again the updisputed king of individual awards and acomplishments. You know who else won Man of the Year thats right, Hitler. Also Abraham Lincon stacked his individual acomplishments up like a log cabin, but all the honors and accolades were meanlingless sense the North coudnt win the war truly. Hes got his face all over Mount Rushmore but hed trade it all to be Elite and alive today. Speaking of theatrics PAY-Ton was doing his usaual playacting before the snap but he might as well of been playing Simon says with Julio Thomas down by the schoolyard. Its just so gross watching those two literaly make out on the football field he throws so many passes to him. Instead of padding his stats maybe PAY-ton should pad the walls of his trophy case because the way things going hes going to drive himself insane retiring with only 1 Lombardi.
Honestly PAYtons not a Elite QB all though he gets paid like one. IMO you have to have at least 2 Lombardis and a public sexual history to get on my Elite list and right now you’ve got Tom Brady, Eli Manning, Big Ben, and huh this one only says "to be opened on Febuary 2th and all I can make out through the envelopes a big eyebrow.
Announcer Of The Week: Peter King
Peter King announced the Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the year, another award thats annualy given to the athlete who lets Peter King use his chinline as a recumbent bicycle seat the most in any given calendar year. Peter took alot of flak for giving it to his lover PAY($$$)Ton so much so that he really pulled out all the stops to convince you me and anyone in America that the award was given fairly. He went so far to force the editor of SI to record a podcast explaining that Peter had nothing to do with the selecksion of Peyton. You can tell I stuck a little too close to home with my analysis of the situation though.
@SI_PeterKing methinks the lady doth protest to much peter— PFTCommenter (@PFTCommenter) December 19, 2013
RT @PFTCommenter: methinks the lady doth protest to much peter ... Just trying to serve the public and answer your queries, fine sir.— Peter King (@SI_PeterKing) December 19, 2013
Fan of The Week: Poncho Panther
Hard to tell if this was from the rainstorm or if he just happened to get the spot under the balcony during Luke Keuchley’s player introduction folks.