It's been a great year for strong takes. And nobody's delivered more than PFT Commenter. We're required to remind you that these strong takes are PARODY. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Road Grader of the year: Riley Cooper
In retrospect Rileys biggest mistake in his Kenny Chesney "fo-pah" was either saying the N-Word during a slow cycle, or just not having a track produced by Swiz Beats in the background while he did it, when it would of been the feel good hit of the summer. If Riley had just drop the hard "R" at the end of the word it would of changed context completely and would of sounded like he was just inviting them over for tea or something.
Getting busted for using the N-Word casualy at a Kenny Chesney concert is like arresting people for flashing at Mardi Gras IMO, but I guess Coopers noteriety and history of doing charity work made him stick out among the crowd of the REAL racists.
Fortunatly after catching 47 balls for 800+ yds, 8 TDs while leading the Eagle's the a division title, this incident is so far in the rear view mirror its like a cop trying to chase Jason Peters.
In retrospect the Eagles handled this the Right Way and knew that the fastest way to not hating black people and wanting to beat them up when your drunk is through on-field production so they made Cooper the lynchpin of there offense no offense.
Honorable mentons from YOU the reader:
@PFTCommenter snyder he literaly drives that franchise into the ground year after year— David Valiante (@DaveValiante) December 31, 2013
Dan Snyder is always going to be a front runner but only because he cant see over the rest of the croud if hes at the back.
I respect what Jimmy Haslams done with that franchise0 its true the NFL is a results-based type league and Jimmy going through head coaches faster then he went through unmarked graves for his do-gooder accountants at flying j.
@PFTCommenter Schiano. Chugged along all season— Scott Jurewicz (@HuhSJ) December 31, 2013
Greg Schiano is still a sore subject for me. If you havnt read my "Schiano Man" song for him, please take the time do so now. I'll wait.
The Danny "Newsboy" Woodhead Lunchpail Fella of the year: Danny "Newsboy" Woodhead
I call this guy the scarecrow cuz he's got a Wood Head but a heart that bleeds midwest values folks. Obviously Woodhead was going to win this award- afterall I renamed it after him halfway through the season. If someone out there has a computer they should edit together a highlite reel of Danny Woodheads 2013 in black and white with a Aaron Tippin soundtrack that would absolutely make my year. You cant help wonder if maybe Danny would only play for the Patriots and Chargers and other teams that would literally only let him wear Blue Collars. I say yes, thats probably what happened.
In case you missed it, I call Danny "The Newsboy" because as a white RB hes part of a dying industry, but you still need him on Sundays, and he all ways delivers. As you guys know the Chargers season came down to a missed FG by the Chiefs. You could almost see God winking at Woodhead as the kick drifted wide right to send the game to over time. The Chargers lined up in a 8-man stack for the kick in a formation that was most likley taken out of one of there LIEbacker's dream journals. Fortunately the refs swallowed there whistles and Woodhead went to work.
Dannys a small guy hes never had anything handed to him much less a cafeteria tray so from a early age he had to learn to bring his own lunch. Lunch is a very importent part of male NFL culture, it's a meal that lets you know who the men are on the team and whose just skating by with Go-Gurts and kale smoothies. If Im a NFL coach I cut a guy for bringing Kale into my locker room if I wouldnt be so afraid his parents would sue me. I never had any respect for the kids who were on reduce lunch in school, a real man takes pride in his midday meal. Even when I spent all my money on Pogs I still would find a way to grit together a couple dollars by taking it from a weaker kid or just pawning my ballchain necklace, wallet, or homemade backpack strap so I could sit down and show all the other tables in the cafeteria that I'm a lunchpail type guy NOT a brunchpail type guy. Its the only meal that you can eat between 2-a-days, and its also a meal that you can bring in a iron pail like laborers did in the mid-late 1800s when our country didnt have all these problems we have now.
@PFTCommenter rob ford IMHO— Erik Davis (@edavis19) December 31, 2013
I agree with Erik Davis, pitcher for Washington Nationals (can we still call them Nationals are is that racist too PC Police? I'll wait. (Saying "I'll wait" is my new cutdown its pretty good when in fact Im just going to close this tab and cruise on over to drudge to kill some time before more NFL news breaks.) Anyways coming from a guy who spends his job-time in a city that reelected a crackmayor I have to respect Erik's take. If theres one person out there who treats every lunch as the most important meal of his life because it could be his last its mayor Ford.
@PFTCommenter Phil Robertson— Bobby Big Wheel (@BobbyBigWheel) December 31, 2013
Phil Robertsen also a inspired choice. Hes more of a lunchquail type guy though. Hard to pack a pail when your lunchs literally falling out of the sky into your mouth crying for its mom the way God and Jesus meant for it to be.
@PFTCommenter Greg Schiano's dad for teachin him how to be a man— Lawson (@_LawsonFerguson) December 31, 2013
If theres one guy out there whose more of a lunch-grader then Greg Schiano, its the man who taught Greg Schiano how to be Greg Schiano.
Show-off of the year: Robert Griffin the Third Reich
Pictured: Robert Griffin manages to take yet another sack after the seasons over.
Even when Robert Griffin was good last year you could still tell that he was, actually, bad. The first indication your bad is if you win a Rookie of the year award. Im going to go back over the past 10 years of Rookie of the years and tell you right now that none of them ever won a Superbowl probably. I guess when you have a blunt-lighting sized fireplace like RG-Weed your going to need some trophys to put over it- I get that- I do. But The only thing that imploded faster in 2013 than Robert's bosses career was Roberts knee folks.
Robert lives life like his bodys one big giant neon compression sleeve thats only meant to get a tension for his ego. Just watch how he drops back to pass or scrambles Ive never seen a mans limbs just all bend in crazy directions so wildly doing stuff that a Nick Foles type guy can do like hes taking out the trash. Just imagine how much faster RGKnee would be if the body parts all moved the same way. No offense but the guy's like if Michael J Fox got a austism vaccine and all the sudden he could run the 100m hurdles in 10.9.
Last year Roberts biggest asset (besides what any Virginia college freshmen can find on skype) was unquestionaly his ability to fumble the ball really well. He had two fumbles for offensive TDs and the rest were quickly picked up by Trent Williams like they were suitcases full of yayo on a Honolulu street corner. This pattern fell apart fast then his lower leg this year, and if I were Shanahan Id make Robert spend all his time holding a football instead of a clipboard. Thats the only true way to prevent fumblitis no matter how many shots of penecilin he took the night before his "wedding." No offence but the way this guy treats his wife its more like he jumped the gun, not the broom.
@PFTCommenter satan manning: can't break records throwing backwards— Mike Fulton (@MikeFultons) December 31, 2013
Thats a good point about Peyton. Peyton throws more things backwards than Jay Marrioti going speed dating folks. Petyon also racked up the individual awards but anytime you have a photo taken of you like this it tells me your not in it to look good.
@PFTCommenter Rooney Rule, our president is a minority, ppl forget that— Dan Igo (@Dan_Igo) December 31, 2013
The Rooney Rule is a bit of a showoff. Its insulting for AfricanAmerican coaches to be considered for head coaching jobs, IMO. It allready feels like theyve got all the other good jobs like President and the person who gets to give out uniform penalties how much more do they want? A mark of a good organization is being flexible so I purpose an alteration to the Rooney Rule:
Its called the "Romney Rule". If the Presidents Black- you have to interview at LEAST one White coach before making your decision. No more races to try and slip a Mike Tomlin hire by us before the inks even dry folks.
@PFTCommenter shanahan for talking to the press on Dan Snyder's special day.— girlwonder (@Girl_wonderX) December 31, 2013
And yes, Mike Shanahan was very selfish the way he handled getting fired by drawing it out for 7 weeks like his job status was a season of Dexter except with a better ending.
Announcer of the year: Jay Glazer
Jays at the Golden Triangle where Sports News, Public Relations, and large brand conglomerate advertising meet. The best part about Jay Glazer is that he is literally a job creator since you need a staff of journalists assinged to investigating whether what he's reporting is true, something he was paid to say, or a secret code to a MMA referee to let him know that he better not snitch on Jays potetntial multi-million dollar empire selling drugs to profesional atheltes.
Jays like Frank Calendo except he doesnt do the voice impressions part, he just literally parrots exactly what the people hes suppose to be covering tell him to say to a TV audience, which is funnier to be honest.
Which brings me to my f1rst Honorable Mention: Frank Calendo-
.@FrankCaliendo did you say this joke in a funy persons voice?— PFTCommenter (@PFTCommenter) December 16, 2013
@PFTCommenter I thought Prisco won this in September— Jim G (@Gans83) December 31, 2013
Pete wont ever read this awards because he has a tough time focusing on anything that either cant be put on a leg press machine, or stitched together by a 6 year old Malaysian. Its no secret Im a fan of Pete. But he said hed do a famous sit-down interview with me and then backed out of it like 3 times because hes scared of my hot seat, my takes are to strong for him and he knows it. He also wouldnt bet me his cargo jorts for charity which tells you exactly the type of monster we're dealing with. Pete if your having this read to you by a more literate thing like a dead german cockroach, please contact me to set up the interview. Until then your blacklisted no offense.
@PFTCommenter Dan deerforr, hes all about the Jimmys and the Joes, not the exes and os like statnerds no ofence— Daniel Bertrand (@DanBert3) December 31, 2013
Dan Dierdorfs retiring this year and I understand thats a sad thing for the people out there who care more about YELLING and TELLING then SPELLING and SELLING. Unfortunately Im a type go who uses two TVs when Im watching TV- I've got one on the game and the other on the 4 hour DVRd pregame show, so while Im watching the game I get to hear Boomer and Ditka tell me what they think is GOING to happen instead of The Bird and the Turd telling Ian Eagle and Dan Fouts telling me what they think IS happening, so I never got to hear much of Dierdorf anyways.
Fan of the year: Jimmy Martinez of the Dallas Cowboys
If you havent read Jimmys comment yet please do. Go ahead. I'll wait.
This masterpiece makes the New Testament look like stuck together pages of High Times magazine pulled out of the Kottenmouth kings bass drum. I did a extensive FJM-style breakdown, but even as a stand alone piece this is pure art. Jimmys dedication as the ULTIMATE Dallas Cowboys fan is unquestioned at this point, and as the representative of Americas Team, he is truly Americas Fan.
I call Jimmy a metalhead because hes got a silver toungue and gold teeth, but the irony is those are probably the two things he carries with him least likely to set of a security station. Jimmys broke a bottle over a guys head for asking him to take a seat on 3rd down, Jimmys gotten kicked out of a wedding cermony for yelling "How bout them Cowboys!" when the preist asks for objections, Jimmys parents both died in seperate events trying to snort spilled meth out of Cotton Bowl toilets. Just a true true fan.
Pretty good form there by the Chiefs fan but thats probably what 90% of Arrowhead look's like at any given time because they dont throw any passes over negative 3 yards downfield.
@PFTCommenter Fireman Ed,m he walkd away and stood up for his beliefs,, wish i had his massive balls— TH, if you will (@tholzerman) December 31, 2013
Fireman Ed is a legend but to me that showed lack of resolve and acountability leaving your team like that. Even worse was he got caught sneaking back in to games like a undercover normal fan instead of the real actual true celebrity and legitimate part of the team that he honestly really is.
@PFTCommenter you— Jon L (@gatoratlaw) December 31, 2013
I apreciate the nomination for fan of the year, and while I meet and exceed all criteria, you can check my above policy on individual awards. Im not some "Celebrity Hot Tub" who needs to literally get felleted by a national media Elite.
Im the opposite of a "Celebrity Hot Tub", Im a "Joe-Six-Pack Above-Ground Pool" and if my good friends here at SB Nation or Kissing Suzy Kolber win awards then thats what this games about. (Please nominamte me for individual year-end awards though I crave them so very deeply- you can point to this statement and say how humbel I am plus you can talk about all the charity work I did this year.)