This mock draft is brought to you by PFT Commenter, a parody of most commenters at a certain pro football commentary and news website dedicated to the NFL. This is parody. Any and all points made that actually make sense are made accidentally; all spelling errors are intentional, and reflective of the character's devotion to keeping it as real as possible. The editorial staff is going to put this in bold below just to put two guardrails between you and driving off the edge and into the madness that is PFTCommenter.
This is parody. Any and all points made that actually make sense are made accidentally; all spelling errors are intentional, and reflective of the character's devotion to keeping it as real as possible.
Enjoy. This is a parody. P-a-r-o-d-y.
First of all this is not a parroty I'm just basically the ultimate NFL fan and you can get more of my takes @PFTCommenter.. Everything about NFL Sundays is a man's game including the takes that I give you from transactions and player arrests all throughout the league year. You all should be thanking me for being Dr. Goodells idea of a NFL fan because without me the league goes soft. Your welcome. Now onto the takes.
The NFL draft is a part of the NFL League year that is criminally undercovered by just about every reporter. Most writers like lazy slob Pete Prisco (no offense Pete), or Melvin Kiper II tends to be mostly reactionary and revolves around the draft after the team's have chosen. I'm filling a major void here and issuing my grades to teams BEFORE the draft measured by there position and who they're likely to pick in the first round.
1. KC Chief's: Barkevious Mingo, DE, LSU
They always pick someone who plays angry becuase they live in a state like Louisiana or Tennessee where people are always racist to them at football games.
Problem is theres nothing to be mad about in Kansas City, the fans are without a doubt the best in the NFL and the sites are incredible.
Andy Reid likes to draft guys that are dumb enough to listen to his advice and for all these reasons he'll pick Barkevious Mingo who will get 2.5 sacks/year and then goes to the 6-10 Dolphins as a FA in 2016
2. Jacksonville Jaguars: Star Lotulelei, DT, Utah and some WRs
The Jag-offs had a off-year dealing with Maurice Loans Drew's 4th consecutive holdout. IMO, they need to move on and bring Tebow in (hometown) to serve as the strength/conditioning coach and H-Back (eligible for ProBowl as TE, QB, RB, FB could be first multi-position guy in Hawaii.)
Blaine Gabbert has the starting nod locked down so with there pick the Jaguars will pick a couple 6'8 WRs whove never played football before probably and then get all shocked when Gabbert gets 24 undeserved INTs account of his wideouts looking like they're Rainman trying to catch fireflies.
They'll also take Star Lotulelei in the first round almost like there giving Al Michaels the finger when it comes to making introductions for there D-Line. As if they were going to get more MNF games then you or I over the next 6 years. You can catch the Jags next season playing against like the Titans eight times at 1 PM Eastern.
3. The Rayyyyyyyyyydahhhhhhs: Sharriff Flloyd, DT, Florida College
I like to make a joke most years that the Raiders will pick some fast thoroughbread that has never seen working plumbing much less run a 2 minute drill. This year though they'll pick DT Sharriff Flloyd from the Florida College. It seems like a great pick until you they realize that Lane Kiffin isn't walking through that door and they have to match up with the Broncos, Chiefs, and Chargers twice every year- all elite QB teams who would rather repeatedly step on Rolando McClain's tennis shoes then run the ball on 3rd and 3.
Although in most conferences teams could guarentee 10 wins if they lined up with 5 DTs reestablishing penetration every snap, DT is kind of a wasted pick in this division.
4. Philadelphia Eagles: Luke Jockel (The Big Jock Strap), OT, Texas A&M
Grade: B (my highest grade, you need to show me something on Sunday before I give you a A in my pre-draft grades).
Mike Vicks going to be hoarse coming into OTAs from making his annual clinic-mandated list of calls to Newport News area strippers. Thats not going to sit well with Chip Kelly. Although Mike and MeShawn Jackson and scatback gimmick LeSean McPloy will all have each others backs, Kelly will have there facemasks in his hand by the end of day 1.
To prepare for this Kelly will pick up Luke Jockel to inject some actual leadership into a locker room more used to getting there ears pierced than pinning them back. Jockel and Kelly are cut from the same cloth= Coach Chip and the Jock Strap are two damn tough leaders who would fit right in with Danny Watkins at old Engine no. 2 downtown.
The Big Jock Strap isn't just what's in the trunk of Darryl Tapps Chrysler 300,,it's also the Eagles stalwart OT for the next 14 years folks.
5. Detroit Lions: Dion Jordan, LB, Oregon
Continuing there commitment to filling at least half of Detroits daily traffic court docket with players on their current 53-man roster, the Lions are leaning hard toward Dion Jordan out of Oregon in round 1. Problem is the Lions have a locker room environment where diseases like Titus Youngs are allowed to grow and fester with 0 accountability and Dion Jordan will likely file a NFLPA greivance for not having a bunch of cool looking jerseys to Swag in every game like he's use to.
The real irony here is most Lions fans will tell you they've become so 1 dimensional throwing the ball to lanky Calvin Johnson every play that they wish Millen could come back and GM it up for a year to restock their Split end stable with some possession guys for a change who realize that getting tackled BEFORE they score actually helps with clock control when your defense is leakier than Reggie Bushes hang-down.
6. Cleveland Browns: Eric Fisher, OT, Central Michigan
This is a outstanding pick unfortunately he wont have anyone to block for on account of Trent Richardson will be on the sidelines weeks 3-16 missing equal amount of time with "cartilage" injuries + suspensions for violating the Crown rule. I don't want to waste much of your time discussing the Browns because with their limited broadband availability very few of you are from Ohio. Suffice it to say the AFC Norris Division will continue to comfortably pencil in 2 wins per season for the foreseeable future.
7. Arizona Cardinals: Jarvis Jones, LB, Georgia University
I don't really trust Jones to stay healthy. Jones got kicked out of Southern California for getting his neck nicked and then the much more reliable Doctors in Georgia said "Lace ‘em up boy" not in a racist way just kind of folksy.
I do really trust Coach Arians who is just almost on a nother level coaching guys up. He'll turn Jones into a QB for his defense now that he doesn't have to worry about Adrian Wilson telling reporters he's got a torn bicep so the cameras will focus on his arms all game.
8. Buffalo Bills: Geno Smith, QB, "University" of West Virginia
Don't be impressed that Geno stuck around to get his degree at WV you can almost think of that as equivalent to a 24 hour chip at NA. Although we all had our jaws on the floor when he lit up powerhouses like Kansas and Baylor,, this guys not use to throwing in the elements= he just doesn't strike me as a Cold Weather guy. In a division that fills the Pro Bowl every year at QB Smith is a nother in a long line of JP Losmans.
The Bills by the way have the curse of Ryan Fitzpatrick on them for cutting the guy before he even had a chance to break in his sofa in Buffalo.
9. New York Jets: Dee Millner, CB, University of Alabama
Dee is in for a culture shock going from a coach built around "Process" to a coach built around processed foods. Honestly he has no role models on that defense to go visit Hospitals with unless he wants to make monthly trips to the maternity ward with Cromartie.
Dee Millner has a great first name for a CB, I expect Adidas to drive that into the ground before we get to the Hall of Fame Game.
(Hover over GIFs to animate).
10. Tennessee Titans: Kenny Vacaro, S, Texas
I forget every year that there are so many teams at the front of the draft that no one actually roots for. The Titans are run by either a senile owner or a elephant with a paintbrush so that's why most pundits don't even bother predicting what there going to do with a pick.
Titans have their QB of the future in Jake Locker so they'll look to a ballhawk safety like Vacaro without realizing that Vince Young will just stow away in his suitcase from Austin and distract Kenny by playing Xbox on the couch all day and hiring BBQ catering for the living room instead of getting a salad or something at Chopt.
11. San Diego Chargers: (stockpile draft picks)
Call me a skeptic but I'm a results type guy and I just cant get a read on Mick McCoy= most fans are confused why they even made a coaching switch much less even took the time to learn his pedegree. With Norval Turner you knew what you were going to get, steady leadership with a focus on drafting between the hashmarks. Only Turner couldnt call a fade route without puking out of nerves so he got fired eventually.
Look for the Chargers to be active moving back on draft day since they've got a coach who doesnt have flashbacks of getting rejected for Prom whenever he has to call a nother GM and close a deal.
12. Dolphins- Manti Te'o (LB) Notre Dame
Grade: F or a C depending on if he's gay. Not Homophobic just wait for my take:
The 2000 lb elephant in the room no ones discussing is Te'os sexuality.
If Te'os gay I think this is actually a great pick. If he's not he's just a nother LB who cant blanket a TE.
If he's gay theres unlimited marketability in a city like Florida to the point where [ENTIRE SECTION REMOVED DUE TO QUESTIONABLE CONTENT]
13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Tavon Austin, ?, WV
Actually wouldnt suprise me at all if Greg Schiano grabbed him by the facemask before he even got done dougying across the stage on his way to shake Goodells hand. Right now Schianos in what I call Dream Team mode which is when you try to build a team based on buzz and 40 times instead of building a team in the coaches image.
Schiano just strikes me as a type of coach who will win a few Lombardis in his second destination like your Belichicks. He's a road-grading son of a gun but if he gets Josh Freeman and Austin to open a playbook instead of recording sketches for their friend's rap CDs all summer it will be his biggest coaching accomplishment to date.
14. Carolina Panthers: Eddie Lacy, RB, Alabama
Now that they finally cut DeAngelo Trilliams, the Panthers will be needing a nother RB to confuse "Coach-Killa Cam" Newton who has a hard time telling the difference between numbers so he knows who to hand off to when a blitz is coming. I actually think Cam Newton, Tebow, and rgME would make for a excellent Rugby team if it wasn't for all the passing.
15. New Orleans Saints: Chance Warmack, OT, Alabama
Saints are going to take a Chance in the first round,, this is a great pick because winning the South could be a Brees if they keep Drew off his back in 2013.
With the addition of Pacman Jones who they're actively pursuing as a package deal with the Honey Badger,, the Saints CBs will sound more like a Sega game at your poor friends house than a clear-eyed defensive backfield
16. St. Louis Rams: Lane Johnson (OT) Oklahaoma
I like it when teams draft a guy from there QBs old college to look after his old study hall buddy. It builds some serious chemistry and I'm not talking about the kind Cortland Finnegan uses with all that cold medicine hes got guys all over St. Louis buying for him. The Rams proved last year they could tie any team in the league now all they need is a WR who hasnt appeared on Night Court more times than they've been on Fox NFL Sunday.
17. Pittsburgh Steeler's: Trade back for both Sunseri Bros (Tino-Pitt/Vinnie-Bama)
These guys were born to play on Sundays in Steeler's Black. You talk about hell of a ballplayer, either one of these fellas could of picked a sport football, baseball, hockey you name it. There THAT talented.
Vinnies got the best eye-discipline I've ever seen,,the guy reads QBs and doesnt REact as much as he ACTS on plays.
Tino is a type of guy that would give PIT the Holy Trinity of Rust-Belt QBs- Big Ben, Gradkowski and Sunseri- you could almost kind of imagine your perfect foursome with Cowher in there hitting the links at Augusta in the offseason.
18. Dallas Cowboys: Jonathan Cooper (OG) UNC
Jerry's new stadium "Jonestown" really makes people want to kill themselves,,so it's no wonder America's team has played more like South America's team over the last 15 years. and while I'm a big fan of starting with the guys in the trenches up front this is a boring draft pick and Jerry Jones will screw up a nother draft and continue to lose market share to the Houston Texas.
19. New York Giants: "Cordarelle" Patterson, WR, from Every accredited university in the Central Timezone
It always makes you cringe when you hear about a guy whose attended more schools than he has tackles on Special Teams. New York is a city that will eat this guy alive if he doesnt eat himself out of the league first. Everything about Cordarelle from his 1 year of production to his Wildchild hair screams "Bust Central".
If there's one guy who can keep him in line it's Manning, but between his 2 Lombardi Trophy's, even Eli might have his hands full.
20. Da Bears!: Alec Ogletree LB Georgia
Alec Ogletree has had his draft stock fall due to a DWI arrest which makes him actually the moral leader of the Bears D. I dont even want to imagine the hairbrained freelancing Alec will get into with MeNut Tillman backing him up all the way.
I actually liked Lovie Smith and thought he just should of been demoted to DC,, Smith is all class and would of handled the opportunity to stay with the Bears like a pro in my opinion. The Bears will look to also reload at RB in the later rounds so Trestman can get his hands on a Jessie Lumsden type guy.
21. Cincinnati Bungles: Does it matter?
Cincinatti will draft a bunch of players and if anyone of them starts to look like they have played football in front of a crowd before, they will trade or lose them to free agency within 3 years. I gave them a D because they drafted Andy Dalton 2 years ago who along with Luck are the heirs apparent of the Brady and Big Ben.
22. Washington Foreskins: No picks
The Redskins mortgaged their future in a move that in hindsight was the worst draft-day fleecing since the time they drafted 3 receivers in the second round just to try to get enough WRs on the field so that Jason Cambell would almost have to come close to hitting one of them whenever he threw a forward pass.
The only good move the Deadskins will make is finding a nother Shanahan diamond in the rough in the 6th round who will kick Alfred Morris to the curb by the end of training camp. Turn and burn, that's the Shanahan way and you have to admit it's heartwarming to see these no- names make good for a season.
They'll also take some weird offensive lineman in the 4th round and Skins fans will run to their internet to look up who it was and then act like they know all about the guy to their friends.
23. Minnesota Vikings: Bjoern Warner (DE) Florida State
A Viking through and through- Bjoern and his colleage Jared Allen will look like a duo that says "Meet me at the Icehouse cooler" as much as they say "Meet me at the QB." These guys are going to put on a nordic "DE's of Hazard" type show for Ole and Lena up in Duluth.
As usual the Viqueens will draft some multi-tool WR/KR/QB combo-type players later on just to undermind incumbant starter Christian Ponder. Also- league circles speculating about Farve
24. Indianapolos Colts: Trade back
Paganos no dummy and he'll play the sympathy card HARD to move out of a 1st round that is completely devoid of talent.
Unfortunately he also believes he has superhuman powers or something since his recovery and he'll really screw with the chemistry that Arians so masterfully created last year. If I'm Pagano I'm keeping my whiny mouth shut and letting Andy Luck steward this team. I think they might make a play for Eifert and form almost like a Hernandez/Gronk matchup nightmare situation at TE= those guys can block like a deer and run like deers.
25. Seattle Seahawks: (This pick belongs to Minnesota I think for Percy Harvin's neurologist or something)
Pete Carroll is a "Players Coach" which you can think of almost like a Substitute teacher in a wheelchair with the type of stuff that Russell Wilson + his crew will get away with.
The Seahawks have no more room at WR (And you have to feel for Doug Baldwin who quietly goes about his business every day only to have Harvin, Golden Tate, Rice, etc. eat up the limelight.) So They'll draft almost entirely special teamers but don't look for Seattle to make any more noise in the up and coming NFC West loaded with Bradford eyeing a breakout season and Reiging Coach of the Year Arians in AZ.
26. Green Bay Packers: Matt Elam, S, Florida University + Marcus "Latteral"more in 2nd Round
You almost have to concede getting burnt deep 3 or 4 times a game when your going up against Jay Cutler and Christian Ponder, but that won't stop the Pack from shoring up there secondary. Charles Woodson's more likely to be on the cover of AARP than SI at this point in his career and the Packers know when its time to move on from aging troublemakers (Farve, Reggie White).
Aaron Rogers is locked and loaded at WR/TE with Jordy Nelson and Crabtree so Teddy T is going to try to outsmart himself by picking Marcus "Latteral"more out of the University of South Carolina Health Science Center. (Injuries)
Am I the insane one for thinking that Latteralmore's passion for running east/west doesn't jive with the old-school Packer mentality of getting downhill?
Plus with the Frozen Tundra the way it is, forget about "Finishing Runs", Marcus will be lucky to finish just one without injury folks.
27. Houston Texas: Marquise Goodwin, Sprinter, Texas
Schaub desperately needs someone who can catch up with his deep ball, and Andre Johnson just lacks vertical footspeed,, after all the playoff runs have taken their toll on him. Goodwin is a go-and-get it Mike Wallace type guy, if you blink you'll miss him cross the stage at Radio City.
Only problem is Goodwin might run himself out of a job if he keeps walking back to the line of scrimmage dogging his QB for not getting the ball to him. Between Andre (Mumbles) Johnson, and Owen Daniels, Goodwin needs to realize he's the 3rd option just like UT is for in-state recruits.
Texas also needs to beef up there defense if Brian Cushing is going to miss year after year with ACL/Cancer diagnosis etc.Otherwise, Players Defensive Coordinator Wade Phillips will just take Goodell up on his offer and never set foot in a NFL locker room again in exchange for coaching the Pro Bowl every year.
28. Denver Broncos: Ezekiel Ansah (DE) BYU
Denver already improved leaps and bounds this offseason but they're missing a spot at DE since Elvis left the building.
The Broncs will bring Ezekiel in since he sounds like a guy whose not allowed to use a fax machine much less screw one up and cost the team big bucks in jersey sales. Although Peyton Manning was more than just a nice consolation prize for losing Tebow this is a team in need of a spark. They'll draft I'm sure a safety in the 7th round just to make their ignorant fanbase think that they made up for the blown coverage against the Ravens. No offense.
29. New England Patriots: Trade back and pick up Zach Ertz, TE, Stanford
Belichick is going to trademark stockpile draft picks again and cash in somewhere in the 3rd round right when everyteam forgot to draft Zach Ertz.
The rich get richer at TE and I fully expect Belichick to package some of these picks to bring in another QB and trade Mallet for three 4th round picks and then make some more cool moves next year.
The reality is Belichick is the best coach in the NFL and he could get production out of Algae Crumpler at the TE position and its a matter of time until Hernandezes TD celebration gets so elaborate that Ja Rule has a cameo in it and at that point Hernandez might get shipped to Seattle if he likes making it rain so much.
30. Atlanta Falcons: Le'Veon Bell, RB, Michigan St.
Now that Michael the Earner Turner is free to rack up the eater points at every I-95 Huddle House in Georgia, the Falcons need a RB who is able to stumble into a end zone on 1st and goal from the 1.
The Falcons mortgaged their future on Julio Jones who has led the league in sideline collisions with cheerleaders/cameramen since he entered the league 2 years ago. And while I'm sure Matty Ice has made the last cup on a few Atlanta area beer pong tables, he needs to learn that theres no bouncing (shortcuts) on the road to the Superbowl.
31. San Francisco 49ers: Every other eligible player
9ers have alot of needs mostly at the Passing QB and WR positions but they have like 20 draft picks so you just know that Mel Kipers going to be crawling into there butthole even if they use 3 picks on that girl Homecoming Queen kicker Rick Reilly wrote 3 columns about.
Not to get all political but you just know there fans are so intolerant that they'll campaign to replace Culliver who is being persecuted for his belief that gays make him feel weird when he showers next to them almost like he has to try real hard to not look at them or something.
In my opinion the scouting report is out on Culliver and refs will be listening for him to call "no homo" past the 5 yard contact zone which is bound to make pass interference calls no brainers for the back judge.
32. Baltimore Ravens: Keenan Allen, WR, California
Although some would argue that since the Ravens won the Superbowl they're the best team in the NFL I think its hard to root for a team that has turned their city pretty much back in to Hamsterdam recently. Cody Glenn is like Prop Joe stopped excercising for a year.
They have a elite QB (maybe) but its still unclear how they'll fill the cement filled shoes of Anquan Boldin or where Torrey Smith will manufacture motivation (tradgedy last year) so Ozzie Newsom will reach for Keenan Allen who is a Wide Receiver and thats all anyone knows about him.
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