Given how well ESPN covers Tim Tebow not doing anything more than standing in place, grinning uncertainly and looking faintly thumblike, it was no surprise that the network absolutely aced the story of Tebow actually doing something. The meticulous masochists at Deadspin counted 137 mentions of Tebow's name on ESPN between 5 and 7 p.m. on Monday night, and pulled them all together in one 58-second video.
That's a great many instances of Tebow's name, if (as Deadspin's Tim Burke points out) also not nearly as many as there might have been had the first hour of those two hours not been pre-programmed. While ESPN is not nearly done saying the guy's name, Deadspin's video does enable us to pull together a preliminary list of the most effective ways to say this particular name.
Obviously no list of proper Tebow pronunciations is complete until Lou Holtz unveils his take, which will almost certainly be, phonetically: "/CRUMPLES UP PAPER BAG FULL OF STYROFOAM AND WET OATS." But for the moment, we've prepared this quick list of the best ways to say Tebow, as demonstrated by ESPN over the course of two hours yesterday:
49 Seconds In: With the exaggerated enunciation and palpable loathing -- of self and circumstance and a great many other things -- usually heard only at moments when the voiceover guy from the TMZ television show is called upon to set-up an upskirt photograph of Teri Hatcher. So: utter, soul-sick defeat that is not-quite-concealed by leering scorn.
Like Ed Werder: Like a doctor delivering a difficult diagnosis to a very ill patient. That is: gravely, while maintaining eye contact and with a downcast, concerned expression.
34 Seconds In: As if delivering the punchline to an embarrassing story about oneself. John Anderson does this in his last appearance in the video, uttering "Tebow" with the note of chagrin usually reserved for stories ending with the words, "... as it turned out they were right, and I had actually peed myself."
The Way That Herm Edwards Says It: It's impossible to explain exactly how this sounds. Like a police siren that is somehow also a preacher delivering a passionate sermon about hygiene to a room full of hearing-impaired people? Also, they're all in a submarine that's under attack, possibly by a sea monster.
No Good Example: As quietly as possible.