Ever since I started making these meals, I have been asked one question consistently: When will I do a meal for Tim Tebow? It seems you all have strong feelings about this man, and his new place with the Patriots. As a Broncos fan who sat through 2011 blankly staring at the television when illogical things kept happening week after week, I feel I'm capable of introducing Boston fans on what to expect from everyone's favorite dartboard and/or devotional subject. Sure, you might have a "Tom Brady" guy. He's pretty okay. But just wait. In 3 weeks he'll be out for the year, Ryan Mallett will suffer from a mysterious flesh-eating plague and the only thing left will be Teebz. Today, I've broken the meal down into four parts to simulate what it's like watching Tebow guide your team for an entire game. Now, let's use Boston baked beans to welcome Tebow to his new home.
First off, we're going to start with a sauce for the beans. A good baked bean recipe is a perfect barbecue compliment, so we'll be using barbecue sauce and, of course, bacon.
Not real bacon though. We'll just toss in some imitation bacon into a blender. Maybe toss isn't the best word. As this is a Tebow meal, you will likely throw it into the sink instead, or the stove top, or the living room couch. It's better to carry the bacon and place it directly into the blender. Do this about fifteen to twenty times in a row.
Now, to sweeten the sauce, grab some brown sugar from the cupboard. Pour a glass of water to mix in the sauce once the sugar is in place. So far so good, eh? Maybe this isn't going to turn out as bad as everyone says! Sure it's..kinda boring and predictable but we're holding our own!
END OF FIRST QUARTER - VERDICT: Plain, but serviceable so far.
In goes the sugar! Now pour in that glass of water!
Next up for our bean sauce is an ingredient proposed to me by an ANONYMOUS BENEFACTOR during the fundraiser. So, Anonymous, here's what you wanted:
Fun Dip was my favorite candy growing up, because those of us who always wanted to see what the chalk stick at school tasted like could finally realize our dreams without judgement from our peers. Now, place every packet and stick directly into the sludge you have in the blender.
Now we have a fruity bacongruel with bonus sugar sticks. Now it's starting to look like what we were expecting. Much like watching a Tebow game, this is the part of the Spillymeal where you start to realize everything is going south, fast.
END OF THE SECOND QUARTER - VERDICT: Oh no. Oh no this is awful.
We're not done with the sauce quite yet -- because next up is:
Baked vegetables! That's probably accidentally healthy! Relax though, because it's going right in with the rest of the sauce. If you were worried that it wasn't pasty enough for beans, we're going to thicken it with a traditional method: random Japanese snack food.
Finally, let's turn the blender to "Enauseate" and see what happens. For a Tebow comparison, this is the part of the game where CBS digs into the stat book and finds out what the lowest completion percentage in history is and starts updating you after every pass attempt. Also, somehow the game is tied at 14 because the other team's shoes keep falling off or a wind blows a punt backwards. Anyway, back to ‘food'.
Look everyone, slop! When making this, Spillygirl was next to me washing dishes, looked over and loudly exclaimed "AAAAUGHH". But she didn't leave the room or file a restraining order and that is why we are together.
Now that we have our sauce, it's time to move on to the beans themselves!
END OF THE THIRD QUARTER - VERDICT: life is meaningless please let it end
The biggest problem with baked beans is the color. It's all brown. Boring. Who gets excited eating plain brown beans? Let's use something else. Green! Green beans! Dig out a year-old freezer burnt package. Chip the ice away from the bag and let it thaw until it opens or the plastic bag shatters from age and extreme cold. Deploy beans into casserole dish.
After you have the beans in place, we'll add some more color by using another one of my all-time favorite foods:
Now, we don't want to overdo anything here. I am known for my culinary restraint, and putting an entire bag in here would be counterproductive. It would overpower the bean and slop flavors! So, only use two fish in the recipe. That way you can pour the rest into your face unadulterated or melt them in Malört for an after-dinner drink!
It's getting late in the meal -- we're nearly done. Take your slop from earlier and pour it onto the beans. Hopefully the blender will have chopped up those fun dip sticks into shards, ready to surprise your guests by breaking their teeth. You may need to replace the blender blades after this.
Okay, almost done! At this point in a Tebow game, you're just waiting for it to be over. You're trying to figure out which wide receiver is the emergency quarterback, and just how long your running backs can handle eighty-three runs per game. Hey look, another draw play!
Back to the food: This still looks a bit unappetizing. What it needs is a bit of flourish on top. Someone else might use strips of bacon on top. We've already used bacon, though! What else can simulate that?
SIX FEET OF BUBBLE GUM. FIVE MINUTES OF TASTE.
Make a fun lattice pattern with the Bubble Tape. When baked, the sugary goodness will seep into the beans before dying out quickly into a bland, tasteless glob of cud.
Only one step left! We bake it! This is the two-minute warning of the game, and by this point you're resigned to the fact that the forward pass is a relic never to be touched again, and this new game is one ruled by placekickers and defensive touchdowns. You've accepted it. Put the baked beans into the oven. This game is over.
But how did
I didn't even have
IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO WORK THIS WAY.
END OF THE FOURTH QUARTER - VERDICT: HOW. HOOOOWWWW