The NFL world was turned on its head this week when a group of enterprising reporters took it upon themselves to move the Jacksonville Jaguars to London. No, the Jaguars are not moving to London, and the team really has no desire to play overseas twice in the same season. But that wasn't enough to stop the speculation. The wackiness culminated Thursday with scenarios of the Jaguars and Rams swapping franchises like a night at Plato's Retreat.
SB Nation asked a panel of Jaguars fans and relocation experts to identify additional scenarios for Jaguars' future.
Via a series of complex and shady banking schemes, the Jaguars take a circuitous route that begins in Jacksonville, makes a stop in the Cayman Islands, crossed the Atlantic to Nigeria, wired to Russia, transferred to Switzerland, and finally is carried via Chunnel to London.
Bobby Big Wheel
The two burly rednecks approached Shahid Khan after the cockfight.
"No way. There is no way that we lost that fair and square. THERE IS NO WAY THAT YOU COULD HAVE BEATEN DIRTY PETE."
"I'll never pay you. You fixed it somehow. I don't know how, but I know you fixed it."
"Pay up or you don't leave Okaloosa County alive."
"But I don't have that much in liquid assets. I don't have nearly that much."
"Your face is about to be a liquid asset unless you sign over the team."
"Sign over the team? I can't do that."
"Yes you can, I drew up the paperwork already."
"Yeah, you only need a concealed carry permit to pass the Florida Bar."
"So if I sign over the team, the entire debt is forgiven."
Khan sighed. "Give me a goddamn pen."
And that's how we got the Destin Jaguars. OKALOOOOOOOOOOOOSA!
Celebrity Hot Tub
Roger Goodell needs to cross from New York City to London with the Chicago Bears, the Buffalo Bills, the Arizona Cardinals, and the Jacksonville Jaguars. His boat, however, can only hold one passenger at a time. If he leaves the Bills with the Cardinals, Carson Palmer will start sobbing so hard and so uncontrollably that he will die of dehydration. If he leaves the Bears with the Bills, Brandon Marshall and Steve Johnson accidentally start a reverse pyramid scheme and end up giving all of their money to retirees in Nevada. If he leaves the Jaguars with the Bears, Lovie Smith becomes the new nominee for U.N. Ambassador. (This is why you don't draft buyout clauses drunk.) If he leaves the Cardinals with the Jaguars, we get six more weeks of baseball.
How can Roger Goodell bring all four teams safely across the Atlantic Ocean?
[ANSWER: He abandons the Jaguars in Portugal. The Cardinals drown at sea no matter what order you attempt.]
2014: The Jaguars are moved to London.
2015: The Browns are moved to Jacksonville as recompense, while Cleveland retains rights to the name "Browns," as if that's a name that some other franchise would want.
2016: The Jacksonville Pythons (né Browns) win the Super Bowl.
2017: Rather than start a new Browns franchise -- because, honestly, what's the point? -- the entire city of Cleveland is uprooted and moved to Duval County.
2018: The Jacksonville-Cleveland Pythons fall to last place in the division, and once again the tarp appears over the EverBank's upper deck.
2019: The Pythons are sold and moved to Los Angeles. To quell the uprising, the government paves over Jac-Cle -- known to locals as "Jackal" -- and turns the area into a massive interchange for Interstates 10 and 95. Residents are forced to walk to their new home of Oklahoma, warmed only by the Terrible Towels provided by the NFL. Many die of starvation, exposure, or Steelers fandom.
2020: The last Jackalites arrive in Oklahoma. The Thunder are promptly returned to Seattle as the SuperSonics.
2014-20: The London Jaguars -- pronounced "Jag-yoo-ers" by the locals -- finish 3-13 every year because their players are constantly too jet-lagged for peak athletic performance. "Holy shit, what a colossally bone-headed idea to move a team eight time zones east of the West Coast," says everyone.
2021: Dwindling oil reserves make intercontinental air travel prohibitively expensive, and concussion-related lawsuits threaten the NFL's prosperity, while fewer and fewer children play football due to the health risks. The owners lock out the players with exorbitant demands, essentially shuttering the league.
2022: Roger Goodell disbands the NFL. Later that year, he wins a seat in the U.S. Senate.
I've got this thing scoped out. You gotta know the angles. I know the angles. Talked to a guy. Things will move quickly. Expect moves to be made in short order. I'm just asking questions. Don't shoot the messenger.
The Jaguars want to move to Wales, not England. Not a lot of people know that. But it won't be so simple. First, the Bucs will move to London, but only after selling themselves to the Seahawks. Can't be done? It was done in '73. Look it up.
So the Seahawks bundle the Bucs and the Rams, whom they've also acquired from the Saints, into a trade for the Giants. To retaliate, and to prevent the NFC West from securing all of New York, the Jets and Bills form a partnership to acquire the Jags.
But first Ted Turner liquidates his massive real estate holding. He brings the Thrashers back to Atlanta, then sells them to the NBA. North Dakota State joins the Big 12. I'm just asking questions. Connect the dots.
So the Jaguars move to Lincoln, Nebraska. Chess pieces. Maybe you don't know how to play chess. Jaguars fans both do not exist and send me billions of death threats every minute on Twitter. The Cowboys, Panthers, Broncos, and Eagles agree to share custody of the Titans, and it actually works out really well.
Nobody wants the Redskins, because that's racist.
Now what's the Dolphins' play? Ball's in the air. I'm just thinking out loud. Obviously the Dolphins want to move to Ireland, but they'll need the 49ers' help. First, they'll have to convince the Texans to murder the Cardinals, like straight-up murder the Cardinals, and not in a football game. Can't explain. Darren Rovell now owns the Bears. Fuck.
Once the Raiders and Chargers and Rams all move back to Los Angeles, the NFL will expand. The 33rd team will go to Los Angeles, and the 34th will go to Jacksonville. That Jacksonville team will go to Wales, because the Jaguars never get anything they want. We all have to go watch The Internship tonight or else Lambeau Field will become Barca's home stadium. I don't care if it's terrible. Think like a businessman. The Jaguars don't have any fans.
Meek Mill buys a NFL team. No further details.
Now every Florida team plays in the United Kingdom, but Scotland doesn't have a NFL franchise. The Jaguars are in Minnesota, because Twin Cities, duh. The Falcons have traded in their entire franchise for a bonkers stadium. Now the NFL has to expand again, sending the Browns to Scotland and moving the Bengals to Cleveland and the Ravens to Pittsburgh and the Steelers to Cleveland. Nobody's in Cincinnati, which is fine. I find Rachel Bilson captivating. The new expansion team goes to Toronto, where it'll eventually merge with the Lions. You idiot.
Initiate West Virginia protocol. Sorry, Jacksonville. Don't shoot the messenger.
The Book of Daniel prophesies that a period of 70 sevens will end with the Patriots moving to Boston. They don't already play there. Think of how much money the Jaguars could make if they played in Boston. But they don't, because they're in São Paulo. I give a shit about Roger Goodell's legacy. It's a thing I actively spend part of my life thinking about, because I am insane.
Anyway, the Colts now own every other team, except the Jags, who end up stuck in Jacksonville. Deal with it, Duval. Maybe you should've gone to more games.
Ryan Van Bibber
These things are about stadiums. It's always about stadiums in the NFL.
Everyday, Roger Goodell wakes up, kisses his American flag and takes a swim in a pool of Yankee dollars before being encased in a brand new suit. Routine is comforting, but it's not enough to take his mind off of a perfectly fine football field in London, ancestral home to WASPs like him, being used for a sport appropriating the name of his beloved sport.
He is soon shuttled to the office in a limo driven by a retired James Harrison (both to pay back his fines AND prove that the league does take care of its retired players). He immediately calls Shad Khan.
Only the NSA can say exactly what was said on that call. All we can deduce is that a year later a lot of moving parts conspired to send the Jaguars to St. Louis, the Rams to London, the Raiders to Los Angeles, the Bills to Toronto, the Chargers to Las Vegas, the Jets to Syracuse, the Dolphins to Orlando, the Buccaneers to Peoria, and the Browns to Highland Park, Mi. For some reason, the Seahawks had to share the Santa Clara stadium with the 49ers, but they were allowed to keep Seattle as an adopted home.
Nobody understood the moves until five years later when a popular website featured a slideshow of Khan's former Flex-N-Gate factories turned Super Fund sights. Somehow Khan and the NFL swindled EPA money to build new stadiums. The turf fields are a natural filter that clean at least 50 percent of the hexavalent chromium out of the local water supply.
The Rams and the Raiders were the big winners, embraced by hungry fans. The travel conspired to keep the Rams hovering around .500. The Jaguars, like any other team in St. Louis, could never compete with the baseball Cardinals. Nobody came to any of the new stadiums, but continuous reincarnations of Styx and REO Speedwagon appealing to the average football fan sold out summer jams and kept stadium owners in the black. In a cruel twist of fate that would ultimately send Goodell over the edge, the NFL lost its status as the country's favorite sport. By then, Americans had embraced soccer.
Who Killed The Jaguars?
That's all anyone can talk about in Jacksonville. After Jaxson de Ville washed up on the rocks with no trace of evidence as to how it happened, Duval is abuzz. Noted investigator Dale Cooper was brought in to try to figure out what happened, but with every clue, as he started to dig deeper, the mystery became more and more surreal.
This wasn't just about Roger Goodell or Shan Khan or the Bold City Brigade. It went much further than that. The seedy underbelly of this sleepy little town was as active as an underground infestation. Cooper wanted to learn the truth in his heart, but it evaded him. Maybe it was the town protecting itself. Maybe it was Cooper refusing to see what he wanted to see. Maybe it was the memory of the Jaguars haunting everything.
Oh wait, that's Twin Peaks.
Yeah the Jaguars are just getting sold on Hardcore Pawn to some guy who collects a bunch of Star Wars figurines. He's going to melt them down to create his Jango Fett masterpiece.
The Jags move to Dubai, ensconced in a floating stadium located several hundred feet above the Persian Gulf. The Jaguars enjoy unprecedented success as the oil barons who own it circumvent the salary cap through a twisted series of offshore accounts, and also feature the Jaguars playing exhibition soccer games against some of the greatest soccer teams of their time. (Teams also owned by the oil barons of Dubai.) After four Super Bowl victories, the Jaguars are divested in the Great Oil Crash of 2022, and left to fend for themselves in the anarchic sands of the UAE. They migrate to India, where they become a successful cricket team and Juice Bar syndicate.
It takes several years for the NFL, which is at this point a shareholder-owned mobile phone conglomerate by trade, to notice.
[NOTE: All misspellings are in character. Or as PFTCommenter calls them, "realtalk speling" (sic). --ed]
Goodell may have stepped in it on this one folks,, a great point was made (as usual) in the PFT Comment section yesterday: Actual PFT Commenter/League source "MichaelWrites" thinks "the biggest problem with getting free agents to join a London team is that a convicted felon can't get a visa to go over there" to say nothing of there current fanbase being able to attend Home games.
This is where Id normally chime in and tell you a team where your not allowed to have Mike Vick, Plax Burress, Tank Johnson, or Jeremy Stevens on the active roster would guarentee you of at Minimum 9 wins, but the Jags all ready have so many criminals on there current team it would be tough to field a team with Maurice "Bones" Jones Drews beating up every security guard at Buckingham palace. The only saving grace here folks is Justin Blackman would have no problem adjusting to driving on the Wrong side of the road at night.
The only way that this can work= if Goodell thinks BIG picture on this one. He needs to quietly schedule the Jags to play there first 2 seasons in England verse EPL soccer teams to artificially get there record up close to 500 and build a fan base,,by that time the Rams will have unintentionally moved there team one by one to Amsterdam and NFL Europe gets a freshstart.