Roger Goodell's secret relocation plans

Robert Deutsch-USA TODAY Sports

We cannot tell you how we got a hold of this, and even if we did you wouldn't believe us.

You probably suspect that the NFL has private files describing several possible relocation scenarios -- teams in London, Los Angeles, Toronto and so on. That's just the tip of a very dark, detailed iceberg, as we've recently discovered. Below, for the first time anywhere, is Roger Goodell's working plan to relocate every single team away from North America.

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FOR OWNERSHIP EYES ONLY

Gentlemen,

As previously discussed at the opening party for Mr. Irsay's ill-advised kosher barbecue restaurant, "Bris-Ket," my office has begun to assemble provisional dispersion protocols for each franchise in the event of widespread natural disaster, foreign invasion or a prolonged labor holdout. Assigned locations are subject to change with the state of world affairs at any time. Naturally, I must stress the utmost need for this document to remain secret.

Respectfully,

R.S. Goodell, Commissioner

AFRICA

Cincinnati Bengals -> Kenya. Continued economic expansion and the national soccer team's tendency to run afoul of FIFA augur great opportunities for the NFL. Hard Knocks has already mentioned an entire episode centering around a thirsty Andrew Whitworth drinking 1/3 of Lake Victoria.

Jacksonville Jaguars -> East London, South Africa. Finance desk estimates the team would save $2-3 million on repurposed London Jaguars paraphernalia already printed and in storage.

New York Giants -> Madagascar. Research desk showed other markets would be a more natural fit, but this is Eli Manning's favorite movie.

Oakland Raiders -> Somalia. "Bloodthirsty, lawless and remorseless." These were the terms the Somali pirates used to describe Oakland's fan base, but we have assured them this behavior can be toned down.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers -> Egypt. At the request of the Department of State, we have slotted the Bucs here in the hopes that ongoing political strife is replaced by a collective displeasure with Josh Freeman's play.

ASIA

Baltimore Ravens -> India. Coach Harbaugh the Elder assured our office that control of rival nuclear powers was the inevitable endgame to his sibling rivalry. We see no reason to interfere with destiny.

Chicago Bears -> Russia. Occam's razor, gentlemen.

Cleveland Browns -> North Korea. The regime's history of media fabrications means we are the closest we will ever be to a "BROWNS WIN SUPER BOWL" headline.

Denver Broncos -> Kazakhstan. Region where some of the first horses were domesticated by man; also have no existing Papa John's franchises in-country.

Green Bay Packers -> Israel. That first Lambeau Leap over the Wailing Wall will be part of the Sunday Night Football montage for years to come.

Pittsburgh Steelers -> South Korea. Markets desk predicts continued growth in this, the world's sixth-largest producer of steel. Also preserves rivalry with North Korea Browns.

San Francisco 49ers -> Pakistan. Coach Harbaugh the Younger concurred with his brother.

St. Louis Rams -> Japan. Legal desk has assured me that we are unlikely to be held liable for the mistaken belief on the part of the Japanese that Jeff Fisher is actually "Silver Tom Selleck."

AUSTRALIA

Seattle Seahawks -> Australia. An unusual clause in Pete Carroll's contract requires any relocation of the team to be to a "shirt-optional" region. Contingent on ensuring that "Beast Mode" does not refer to some bizarre Australian coital configuration.

EUROPE

Arizona Cardinals -> Spain. High unemployment rate means team will be able to try a different running back every week. It was also determined that Larry Fitzgerald deserved to have something good happen to him, for once.

Detroit Lions -> Greece. Bankruptcy jibes aside, media desk shows astoundingly positive test audience reaction to an untitled reality show centered around what happens when Matthew Stafford is the richest person in an entire country.

Houston Texans -> Poland. In every military simulation NATO ran, J.J. Watt was the only countermeasure that consistently prevented the occupation of Warsaw.

Indianapolis Colts -> Belgium. The world's only other mayonnaise-based economy.

New England Patriots -> Romania. Special request by Bill Belichick, who wants to spend more time with his 800-year-old family avoiding the sunlight and feeding on townsfolk.

New Orleans Saints -> France. If Pierre Thomas' parents had named him Pyotr, this could have been a different result. Thirty-five-hour work week also ensures there is no time to organize illegal bounties.

New York Jets -> Italy. The Italians love leaders who are brash, stout and sexually deviant, so Prime Minister Rex Ryan is a real possibility. Economics desk also determined that Mark Sanchez's skill set fits country's traditional industry, Men Standing Around In Suits With Nice Hair, perfectly.

Washington Redskins -> Great Britain. Marketing has assembled a separate planning document laying out a six-month campaign focused on Robert Griffin III, the Royal QB. Historical desk is looking into possible background sources of peerage for Mr. Griffin.

CENTRAL/SOUTH AMERICA

Atlanta Falcons -> Peru. Correcting public misconception that Colombia, and not her southerly neighbor, is still the world's largest cocaine producer will be priority one in our "Modern World of Coke" launch.

Dallas Cowboys -> Brazil. Office of the U.S. Ambassador to Brazil notified us that the country was in serious need of a leader with experience in constructing expensive venues that provide little or no benefit to surrounding communities, and Mr. Jones graciously conceded.

Miami Dolphins -> Argentina. A natural transition, as the team will still find itself enjoying good weather, vibrant culture, and a fan base dotted with unextradited criminals.

Minnesota Vikings -> Nicaragua. Legal desk has learned that a clause of every contract signed by musical artist Prince is that the Vikings only be allowed to relocate to a country flying a flag that contains the color purple. While some owners have suggested this condition could be ignored in the event of Prince's death, we are unwilling to risk death at the hands of Undead Prince, sensual though it would be.

San Diego Chargers -> Easter Island, Chile. Chargers are in desperate need for help along the offensive line, so this move is made in the interest of parity.

YET TO BE PLACED

Carolina Panthers -> ?. We have yet to find a country willing to take in Jimmy Clausen.

Buffalo Bills -> ?. Ownership continues to reject several appealing options; we suspect they may be attempting to keep the team where it is in the event of a North American catastrophe in order to collect an insurance payout.

Kansas City Chiefs -> ?. Logistics desk cannot guarantee Andy Reid will bring the team to the airport in time to make their flight, especially if they're checking bags.

Tennessee Titans -> ?. Just keep forgetting to do this one. Commissioners are imperfect, at times.

RELOCATION NOT APPLICABLE

This office has compiled 1,733 doomsday scenarios which would require implementation of the above geographic redistribution. In all of them, the doomsday event was caused by the Philadelphia Eagles and/or their supporters.

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