Prop comedy: NFL betting with PFT Commenter

Thinking of making some wagers this week? The NFL everyman fan is here to help you help your bottom line.

Dear readers, this is a PARODY. As for the betting, it's your money; do what you want. Again: PARODY. All typos are intentional. (We think.)

If you've been living under a rock, I'm PFT Commenter and I'm here to help you get rich through prop betting and also share a couple of NFL rib-ticklers just to kind of have a little fun with it. Remember all it takes is for 1 of these to hit over the course of a whole season and you'll get more dollars than you can ever imagine.

Plus longshot prop bets are a great way to get through the afternoon Jaguars Raiders game, two teams who arent in the same division but they seem to play each other like 3 times every year. Lets get to the bets folks

Prop Bet #1: San Diego at Philadelphia

Odds: 695-1 Mike Vick gets hurt in the first half and secretly dresses Marcus up in his jersey for the second half so he doesn't lose his starting spot (Vegas actually doesnt think this is to much of a longshot)

We allready know that Vicks going to be up late on Saturday watching a real life episode of Barnyard Commandos and now that the Filmgods have Coach Kellys no-huddle on tape the only person who will be saying "no offense" more than Riley Cooper is the Eagles announcers folks.

Everyones waking up with a hurry-up hangover watching the Eagles string together plays like there robbing a liquor store. And all that time they left on the clock in the first quarter allmost came back to bite them in the butt when it showed up in the fourth quarter. If you let a QB like Rivers stick around like that he'll pick you a part like the deydrated deer jerkey he keeps in his jockstrap and makes his teammates smell as a fun prank to keep things loose.

So here's the deal: You've got teams faking injurys to try and slow down the Wishbonethug and harmony offense but its being run by China Doll Mike Vick and Goodell sent out a memo saying your not allowed to fake being injured but people forget you arent allowed to fake not being injured either. Vick knows he's one medium-soft hit from a CB away from losing his starting job to Nick Foles, So this week's prop bet is that Mike and Marcus pull a parent trap on Chip Kelly when Mike gets his brain nicked in the first half and Marcus puts on his spare for the second half and completes the game so he doesnt lose his meal ticket. It could happen.

Prop Bet #2: New Orleans at Tampa Bay

Odds: 1,000-1 Greg Schiano coaches the game with a helmet on. It would be so awesome and maybe a spark for his team (they need a spark).

Me and some other fans bring our helmets to games and wear them only on defense to establish a bit of a tone and it usually works,, I think Coach would gladly pay whatever slap on the wrist Goodell handed him with almost a little wink and a understanding firm handshake.

Coach Schianos one of those guys I would of run through a brick wall for back when I was playing, but hes playing with Raheem Morrises players. Hes got more misfit toys to deal with then Traci Lords' nightstand folks. Schiano needs to set a edge for these guys so they can play in their coaches image. In my opinion Darrell Revis needs to hold out less from training camp and more from the roast beef station at Golden Corral if he wants to ever succeed for a defense thats more about footWORK then footJOBS.

Prop Bet #3: Lions at Cardinals

Odds: 25,000-1 Ndamukong SMH gets led off the field by his ear by Roger Goodell after trying to castrate Carson Palmer with a live Pacu fish he put in his sock

This is the battle of which team has had the most pointless one good season over the past 60 years in a head to head matchup. Ndamkong Smh is fresh off a recent allegation that he pointed a weapon at a Comcast repair person. Youd think Suh would of had a little more sympathy for a guy whose job is basically to show up whenever is convenient for him between the hours of 1 and 6. Suhs already demonstrated a knack for letting drives get out of control on and off the field and Elite commissioner Roger Goodell has his ears pinned back just waiting for Suh to slip up again. Kind of funny that he'll be at University of Phoenix stadium since his socks will be red from peeing blood all over himself after a few toughlove kidney shots from the Ginger Hammer folks.

In the actual game the Money Badger and Patrick Peterson aka Cheech and Chong shut the Rams receivers down last week by jamming them at the line of scrimmage with a contact high, but its going to be a little diffrent going up against a legit number 1 WR like Megatron with a pretty high pot tolerence of his own probably. In keeping with a tradition started with AC Greens girlfriends theres going to be a out of control Bush running wild through Phoenix on Sunday you heard it here first folks.

Prop Bet #4: San Francisco at the ParmaSeahawks

Odds: 899-1 We find out before kickoff that Wilson and Kaepernick are actualy brothers from another mothers, but there Dads are the same no offense

The "Read-Option Bowl" on account of everyone in America would rather choose to pick up a book then tune in to see these two punks doing the NFL equivilant of twerking their way through a gimmick offense.

Pete Carrolls a 9/11 truther but he should of been a 5-11 truther the way Wilson pulled the wool over his eyes as to how short he really was. Seahawks smell like a inside job themselves this year since they brought Tarvaris back to implode on himself at the speed of a 5-step drop if he ever gets in.

The real gambling story about this game is "Eyebrow-ghazi." In a desperate ploy to get people to care more about their faces then their brains, Wilson and Rapperneck agreed to a bet where the looser of this game would shave off a eyebrow like some tough guy. I got news for you boys if your talking about gambling your eyebrows, Joe Flacco could put you both all-in.

Prop Bet #5: Broncos at Giants

Odds: 3,750-1 Archie and Olivia Manning don't even attend the game and instead there taking Cooper to any theme park he wants

Its the Family Matters bowl these two Win-slows are running the game the way its meant to be played and being gentlemen letting refs and fans catch there breath between plays. David Wilson will be playing the part of Urkel yelling "Did I do that?" after every Offensive possession.

Speaking of the older brother this marks the return of Peyton and Eli for the first time since there smash hit "Football on Your Phone" which was actualy a subpar follow-up to Peyton and Coopers hilarious cover of "My Neck, My Back."

Thats it for this weeks Prop advice and Strong Takes if any of these hit no need to thank me just name your cat after me of something. Godbless and hope to see you in the winners circle.

More from SB Nation NFL:

Week 2 matchups under the microscope

Josh Freeman's wild ride

Advanced NFL Power Rankings: Eagles on the move

Week 2 picks after wild opening week

Disarming the NFL's newest weapon: How to stop the read-option

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join SBNation.com

You must be a member of SBNation.com to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at SBNation.com. You should read them.

Join SBNation.com

You must be a member of SBNation.com to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at SBNation.com. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.