The NFL can provide gruesome sights: helmet-to-helmet hits, Andy Reid at a buffet, Packers-themed weddings. Nightmare Lounge will catalogue Things That Should Never Be Seen, and you will look at them for the same reason you watch replays of knee injuries: you are a moth to the flame of the macabre.
Jerry Jones already displays the rubbery, plastic visage of a man with all the nips and tucks an aging billionaire could want. Which is to say: I do not need or want the imagery of his face being an elastic mask, and I CERTAINLY don't want the mask, when removed, to reveal ultrabro grease magnate Papa John Schnatter. Watching this Vine is akin to suffering low-level radiation poisoning.
Mike Shanahan hates dentists as much as he hates running backs pic.twitter.com/T1ouwgXJgj— Mike Tunison (@xmasape) September 15, 2013
Mike Shanahan is 61 years old. Is it really fair to point out the lack of orthodontic care of someone born in 1952? Maybe his parents felt braces were prohibitively expensive. Maybe he didn't like wearing his retainer. All I'm saying is that, as a human with imperfect teeth, I won't make fun of Mike Shanahan's.
But will I Photoshop extra rows of teeth into his mouth to haunt your dreams? Hell yes I will.
"As a Redskin you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as your career is slowly mismanaged over a thousand different ways."
UPDATE: Terrible person Adam Rice gave Shanahan the mouth-eyes treatment.
Also, speaking of teeth:
This a picture of dolls made by a parent for their kids to keep their baby teeth in. What. The. Fuck! pic.twitter.com/6LPk8u4toq— Blair McLaughlan (@mr_omnibus) September 16, 2013
Share that with your friends or you'll die within the week.
My dude @Edelman11 is having a hell of a game. Keep it going bud!— Wes Welker (@WesWelker) September 13, 2013
"Julian! My man! How's it going? You taking good care of Tom? ... Good, good. And how's Bill? ... Ha ha! I bet he is.
"Listen, I saw what happened to Danny. Shame. Just a damn shame. I mean, that hasn't happened to him since most of his career. Just out of left field.
"Here? Kinda sucks. Peyton's a real slave driver, and I gotta work my ass off to be seen with all his other options, you know? People say my name correctly. Mountains block the views. Definitely miss y'all.
"But you! Killer game against the Jets, man! I mean, thirteen for 78! It was almost like you were the only guy who could catch a pass out there. I mean this sincerely: I really LOVED watching it.
"Oh, gotta go! Mayor's giving me a key to the city or something. Stupid thing doesn't even unlock anything."
Schianofreude (n) - the feeling of enjoyment that comes from seeing or hearing about the troubles of Greg Schiano.— Matt Ufford (@mattufford) September 16, 2013
From last week's Fumblr:
Greg Schiano: not an asshole who gets results, but an asshole who gets off on treating other human beings like crap. I hope he loses on a last-second field goal EVERY week.
BOOM! Two down, 14 to to go. Let's make the Fumblr Hex a real thing.
(screencap via mocksession)
Otto Greule Jr/Getty Images
I appreciate that Bengals Thing and Seahulk live in the same Marvel universe (let's ignore the Bengals Superman for the sake of argument and lameness). Other proposed Marvel superfans:
- Patriots Captain America. An obvious choice.
- Vikings Thor
- Raiders Venom -- no, Raiders Punisher! Color scheme + love of guns = of course they already did it.
- Niner Iron Man ("Nine-Iron"). The color scheme works, and the move to Santa Clara to get more tech industry dollars fits thematically.
- Colts Kingpin. Could be tough, as you'd need an average-sized Colts fan to wear a suit.
- Washington Red Skull. A Nazi guy with red skin. Go ahead and explain your support of THIS guy, Dan Snyder.
- Professor X in a Matt Hasselbeck jersey. Bald, lots of back problems.
- Jaguars Aqua Man. Some things just feel right, you know?
Shut up maybe YOU'RE a dork for READING about comics.
There are so many good Griffins in the NFL today. Robert Griffin III electrified the NFL and the Redskins fan base last year. Dez Griffin had a huge day against the Chiefs. LeSean Griffin leads the NFL in rushing through two weeks. Peyton Griffin. Demaryius Griffin. D'Brickashaw Griffin. You guys ever see that movie Being John Griffin? It's about a portal that goes directly into John Griffin's brain. Catherine Griffin is great in it.
(Screencaps by @bubbaprog. Many, many more ticker foul-ups at Deadspin)
I fear that the close of Fumblr every week will focus on the poor, poor Jaguars, who traveled to Oakland and scored only nine points in a loss to the Raiders. They have now scored 11 points through two games, and in Week 3 travel again to the West Coast to face the Seahawks, who have given up 10 points in two games.
I'm sorry, Jacksonville. Here is a picture of Jadeveon Clowney to make it better:
Streeter Lecka/Getty Images
Just think how scary he'll look in a two-tone helmet! (I still think Teddy Bridgewater suits the Jags' needs better.)