Of course, this is a PARODY, because takes this strong would violate laws in at least 44 states. All spelling errors are intentional (we think). Now go enjoy PFT Commenter's celebration of Week 2 heroes.
Lunch Pail Fella Of The Week: Tie!
Pete Prisco, CBS Sports
I am part of the movement. Not pic.twitter.com/h5zn5rKJO4— Pete Prisco (@PriscoCBS) September 16, 2013
Edelman had this hands down til Pete Prisco, the columnist for CBS Sports, and perpetual right-be-er stopped by the Tim Tebow rally at EverBank Stadium yesterday. Prisco hates Tebow as a QB and hates talking about him so much that it's all he talk about. Pete gets the lunchpail award for his gritty wardrobe, the elusive Jean & Cargo shorts combo. Its a style that says 'I pack my lunch for work, but once I get there I take my shirt off and climb on a roof.'
Julian Edelman, New England Patriots
This one also goes to Julian Edelman for stepping into the big hole left by Danny Amendolas slivered groin. Edelmans Mom must of packed extra Grits in his Lunchpail the way he delivered in a messy win over the previously undefeated New York Jets.
Julian had the perfect lunchpail statline: a workman like 13 catches for 70 yards and NO SCORES meaning he drained a bunch of time off the clock so that five o'clock whistle would hurry on up and get here, which is the only way to win a close game like this one. But its a good thing he brought his hard-hat the way the rest of his recieving core is imploding on themselfs.
New England fans are holding there breath hoping that Amendolas groin has a shorter refractory period than Anthony Cromartie's, but if he's out for a while they better hope Christian Faurias got his phone nearby folks.
Fan Of The Week: The Seattle Sea-Hulk
The Seattle Seahulk- this guy's making some noise,, you know how they would mic up pRay Lewis and pretend to understand what he was saying, well they need to do that with a fan IMO and the Seattle Seahulk would be a great place to start.
I told SI's Richard Deitch that there need's to be an fan's voice on the pregame shows and this guys obviously first priority.
Showoff Of The Week: Spindny Rice
You make one flashy catch without dislocating your hip like my dog and all of the sudden you think your above the law? Its sooooo funny how these guys didnt ever once spin the ball until Commissioner Goodell made it illegal and now its like the latest thing.
Road Grader Of The Week: Nostradamus
No folks, the master of false flags isnt activist NFL Referees, its Nostradamus and he predicted the major league Beat Down Peyton would throw on his little bro this weekend like a thousand years ago:
In the city of York, there will be a great collapse
Two brothers torn a part by chaos
While the fortress falls; the great leader will succumb
The big war will begin while the city is burning (freezing)
Pretty obviously refering to Eli's meltdown there,, and the last lines a blatant nod to the Superbowl being a snowjob whiteout. Nostradamus is a great resource for either figuring out why you got your hours cutback at work or what those dang tattoos on Kaepernicks arms are trying to tell us, so I might look to make him a bigger part of my NFL gambling research.
Announcer Of The Week: Cris Collingsworth
Another award winner from the Sunday Night Game. Cris had a very smart and strong take on violents and gang culture in America telling us a story about how Richard Sherman tried to be in the Crips but he was too bad a kid for them to be hanging out with and also they wanted to sleep with his Mom or whatever it was he said.
The point is Cris is 3 steps ahead of all of us. Al Michaels even asked him if he was on a 10 second delay when he predicted a sack from Aldon Smith, but thats just the amount of time it takes for a spoken phrase to battle its way past the zing-zang and tuaca in Al's bloodstream before it hits his brain.