This is a PARODY. It is offered for your entertainment only. Spelling errors are intentional in an effort to be as real as possible. Again, PARODY. -ed.
Holy smokes folks its great to be here at tonite’s roast of Andrew Siciliano and the Red Zone channel. It use to be a time where if you put a Italian on TV on Sunday he was getting the business from Mike Wallace for running a pyramid scheme not narrating him running a slant route. But we’re all excited for the return of the Red Zone channel after a 6 month absents, and its truly a honor that you could all make it out.
We’ve got a bunch of folks here from NFL network celebrating there colleague Andrew. Mike Mayock from the broadcast booth’s here everyone. Mike great to see you. Mikes like Lou Holtz figured out that the thermometer goes up his butt and not his pee-hole and now he’s a walking encyclopedia of NFL moneyball, way to fill in the smug old man with a speach impediment role Mike. Most NFL analsyts use a windscreen on there microphone, Mayock has a sneeze-guard folks.
You have to admit Mikes a nice break from the on-camera DMT hallucinations and methadone withdrawls of Michael Irvin that we get in the pregame show,, but so would having a two-shot of George Zimmermen and Ariel Castro taking turns looking at each others crotches with a blacklight if we’re being honest.
Wow is that the Commish himself, Big Red back there stopping in? The man of the hour, the week, the league year, folks. Love him or shove him Goodells a testament to what a little gumption, hard work and being a Senators only child will get you these days.
Heres a fun fact Goodells Dad was way underqualifyed and only got in office because the guy ahead of him died proving to a young Juan Castillo that anythings possible. No offence.
Rogers only stopping in on his way to pick De Smith up at AA. De Smith, The Cat in the Hat yessir. De’s known for his cheap attire and stupid clothes so it makes sense that he accepted Goodells lowball offer on the concussion Suit.
Honestly De Smiths a worthy adversary if your playing Go-fish with the table of kindergardiners from the AT&T commercials. De’s classless action lawsuit had more holes in it then any of the former players he pretends to be representing no offence.
And now the guy were all hear to celebrate, Andrew Siciliano. Andrew is the ears and ears of every NFL fan on Sunday, navigating us through the Redzone like a dental dam with paint by numbers and we appreicate it Andrew. Its going to be great to welcome you back into our living rooms again. Andrew gives NFL fans a great alternative to being cussed at by mongoloids, hit with bags of urine and pricegouged watching the game on Sundays but enough about Jonathan Vilmas BBQ restaurant.
Frankly Im amazed Andrew got a job on TV on not and not as the blind guy from Contact who listens for radio signals. He’s actually a very heads-up guy which speaks to his tremendous neck-strength, Its impossible to put anything past Andrew unless you’re carrying it anywhere below jaw level folks. You can’t sneak up on the guy.
Andrews from the hardscrabble streets of suburban Virginia where an Italians even less likely to be offered admission to a magnet High School then a silent auction, so its no wonder his job is basicaly Sally Strutherses technical class on TV/VCR repair. Seriously the only guy who has to change back and forth between so many screens filled with drug addicts is Stat Boy.
But seriously Andrew we love you and we apreciate the job that you do so we dont have to watch the 8 times a year the Raiders play the Chefs at 4 PM. Your a scholar and a gentleman but I know you hear that all the time even if your on the other side of 4 feet of soundproofed reinforced concrete. Godbless and we’ll be watching.