Kellen Winslow Jr. allegedly gets lost looking for Boston Market, masturbates

Rich Barnes-USA TODAY Sports

We know Kellen Winslow Jr. was arrested for synthetic marijuana in November, but court documents tell us a story about how the arrest came to be. It all adds up suddenly.

Kellen Winslow was arrested for possession of synthetic marijuana in November, but that's not the story here. As they typically do, court documents released on Friday detail quite a bit more about the incident -- pieces of the puzzle that all make sense when assembled.

1. Winslow allegedly told police who arrived on the scene he smoked "Mr. Happy" and "Funky Monkey" before embarking on his trip.

2. Winslow told police who arrived to find him slouched in his car in a Target parking lot that he got lost looking for Boston Market.

3. Police were only on the scene because a woman called 911 after allegedly seeing him jerkin' it. You know, visiting his personal Boston Market.

When you add these up, it's easy to surmise that the synthetic marijuana -- that's Mr. Happy and Funky Monkey -- left Mr. Winslow Jr. disoriented and unable to find Boston Market. So he gave up and allegedly jerked it.

We did some further research to understand how Mr. Winslow Jr. got lost and, well … it makes sense. Observe:


That's quite the confusing route. It's no wonder Winslow allegedly called it a day, broke open two containers of Vaseline and … y'know.

Next time call OnStar or something, man.

This spawned the Tweet of the Century:

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