We're required to remind you that these strong takes are PARODY. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Wildcard weekend is the best weekend in sports history. Better then the olympics, better then the March Madness, better then the coolest war even. We've got games folks all day Saturday and Sunday, and with all this talk about how unfair it is to make the 49ers leave there Priuses and there healthy restaurants and travel into REAL america- Im actually advocating for a different type of reseeding come playoff time. Teams with the best FANS should be awarded by getting to have home playoff games. Heres how wildcard weekend would actually play out:
1 Seed- Philadelphia Eagles host the
4 Seed- San Francisco 49ers
The Eagles have the best fans in sports handsdown*. Even during the McNabb era there was more vomiting going on in the stands then the field. Alot of people mistake there passion for insantiy but here's a secret: theres no difference on Sundays. Other teams are afraid to come in to Philly because the fans are so creative with their chants. (You'll never believe what word they rhyme with "Romo.") They call it "Lincoln field" because a guy named Jackson is always dropping the ball and it looks like its top is blown off- no offence.
The San Francisco 49ers are known as a bit've a wine and cheese crowd so they should never get to host a playoff game account of theyd spend the whole game showing the out of town guests there energy effecient windows, herb garden inside the redzone, and compost heap where their QB should be. Fitting that fans from San Francisco would spend all day trying to convince someone that a record is actualy better, and wont listen to anything anyone else brings to the table but enough about there music collections. The 9ers would travel to Philly and instead of wine and cheese theyd get treated to Wild Irish Rose and velveeta- in other words theyd get served.
*-handsdown their throats puking onto 12 year olds
2 Seed- New Orleans Saints host the
3 Seed- Green Bay Packers
The Saints franshise has demonstrated exceptional padlevel in cleaning up there act over the past 7 years IMO. Ever since Green Day played that concert in the Super Dome and made all the old Saints fans pack up for Houston, it seems that theyve really gotten there act together. Theyve gone from a franchise who was to busy pinning there dogs ears back to worry about their own IMO. But now their fans are amongst the colorfulest in the league now: Theres the Saints pope, the saints guy with the big hands and yes Ive personally been to a Saints game before. Its a great place to watch a game allthough there were more then one time where I found myself in almost a stand you'r ground situation against the lady taking my concession order but all in all a enjoyable experience.
Packers fans are like your basic Co-op. All the women have hairy legs, you pay a bunch of money to get a part ownership but dont get anything back, and there leader might be a gay guy no offense. I personally dont think Arron Rodger is a homosexual because hes very good at athletics and especially football so he cant be gay in my opinion, thats why. They call Packers fans cheese heads because there hair smells like mold 300 days out of the year and the state motto is "the stinkier the better" is included in all Wisconsin wedding vows and condom instruction booklets. I only put them above the 49ers because if you go to a Packers home game your going to see some REAL fans- stone cold shirtless in -10 degree weather the way God intended us to watch football which at MY living room i crank AC up fullblast and everyone has to take there shirts off during a Lambeau playoff game. Dont like it? theres the door.
1 Seed- Kansas City Chiefs host the
4 Seed- San Diego Chargers
The Chiefs fans get a bad wrap just because there all overweight, they wear Zubaz to weddings, and they try so hard to be Seahawks fans that people are starting to call them B-eattle. Well I'll tell you one thing about the Chiefs fans- they have this guy:
We only know a couple thing's about this fella; his name is certainly Doug and he is either a magician or a genius (Its Kansas City hes definitely just a magician) on account of he managed to sneak in a tallboy of budlight despite his tiny jorts and a belly shirt. That is a crotchbeer and we all know that the onlything better then a lukewarm budlight on gameday is wiping a couple curly hairs off the can before you take that first sip.
If you live in San Diego odds are you dont know that your city even has a football team because you spend all your time going to the zoo to steal animals to bring with you to a BYOD-show in Tijuana. I under stand that. I really do. However if you want to host a playoff game Im sorry but you have two options- option 1 is to move your team to Pittsburgh so that there fans can take over your franchise- you can even bring your culture with you and have terrible towels that are beach-sized instead of using the hand towels they use in Pittsburgh for there one recreational activity that involves the exact same amount of sun tan lotion. Option number two is comitt to using Danny Woodhead and grow your fanbase organically instead of chemistry experiment Ryan Meth-ews breaking bad towards the sidelines instead of downhill.
2 Seed- Indiana Colts play the
3 Seed- Cincinatti Bengals on a neutral field. Like really neutral. Like in Swisserland somewhere and the game isnt televised
I dont think there are two worst fanbases in the entire NFL no offense to the Arizona Cardinals. Supporting the Benglas is literally like paying taxes to Kim Jong Un except instead of having a team of wild dogs to kill his relatives he hires them to play Cornerback for his football team. Bengals fans could all honestly be convicted of money laundring given the fact that they financially support Pacman Jones and Vonteze Burfict. Look it up, by definition it is illeagal.
Do you know what you call a Bengals fan with a warrent? A Colts fan. Indianpolos is a refugee city of all of Ohios criminals where they get together to vote ridiculously and put leftover Golden Corral sirloin in tupperware with impunity. While the Bengals fans are over a barrel handing money to fund their back 7's drive-by hobbys, the Colts are funding the worlds largest illeagal perscription drug operation in their owners box. The only thing positive I can say about the citys of Cincinatti or Indiana is that they're not at least literally located 100 feet deep in the middle of the water in lake Huron like their citizens dreams are, no offense.