(Not sure what the Spike Factor measures? Read the full explanation.)
Last week, we began to worry that the NFL sky was falling due to an alarming jump in offensive plays that went nowhere. The good news is things leveled out again in Week 7, with a league-wide Spike Factor of 33.77 percent. The bad news is the Bucs had a bye, which probably explains everything.
Our updated statistics through Week 7 are in this handy spreadsheet, but they don't include Thursday night's Broncos-Chargers game. Patience, people.
CARLOS SANTANA SMOOTH TEAM OF THE WEEK
It's fitting that Denver (again, in their Sunday night game against San Francisco) would win this award by having the lowest Spike Factor of Week 7, a paltry 17.31 percent. The career passing touchdowns record is pretty much the opposite of what the Spike Factor measures, even if Peyton Manning doesn't have anywhere near the groovy rhythm that Carlos Santana does. Close behind the Broncos were Miami (21.21 percent on the Spike Factor) and St. Louis (21.74 percent).
THE ALMOST WORST
Struggle is the word that best describes the NFC South right now; if you had to pick one franchise from the division to win the Super Bowl, the correct answer would be to circle D) not enough information. New Orleans and Carolina had two of the worst offensive days in Week 7, failing to gain yardage on 41.54 percent and 40.91 percent of their offensive snaps, respectively. San Francisco was even worse, however, with a Spike Factor of 44.29. And before you go blaming that on Blaine Gabbert ...
I'm just saying, if you gave Gabbert as many dropbacks as Kaepernick got, based on this he'd throw for 8 touchdowns without throwing a pick or getting sacked a single time.
But, of course, you don't make it in the Almost Worst category unless there's someone who had a crappier day than you.
THE TETANUS SPIKE
For the first time this season, we have a tie for highest Spike Factor of the week. Both Ohio teams had what might be their worst games of the year in Week 7; Cincinnati got shut out in Indianapolis, and the Browns looked terrible losing to Jacksonville. You can debate which team is better overall, but in the eyes of the Spike Factor, they are equals. 55.56 percent of the plays the Browns ran did not move the line of scrimmage forward. 55.56 percent of the plays the Bengals ran were similarly unsuccessful. Enjoy the tie, Ohio fans. Your teams have set new standards for ineptness.
RACE FOR THE S.S. TETANUS
Jacksonville's offense keeps getting better - they can run the ball now, for instance - but they're still leading this unholy chase with a Spike Factor of 38.84 percent thanks to their awful first few weeks. I don't think it's long before someone catches them; Arizona, Oakland, Tampa Bay, and Philadelphia are all within two percentage points of taking the lead.
But, for now, I don't have to make a new rusted boat picture.
So I have that going for me.