Johnny Manziel runs afoul of Ron Jaworski and Barry Switzer, and therefore America

Two important agents made a very important pitch to Johnny Football. Now he reaps the consequences. This whole story is lies.

Brian Spurlock, USA Today

SCENE: Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis on February 24, 2014. The field and stands are dotted with NFL prospects, coaches and scouts, all going about their business in their own way. One man on the field commands a higher-than-usual amount of attention: quarterback Johnny Manziel. Manziel is not throwing, but he is running. It's a light, conversational day for the former Heisman-winner, whose coach approaches him.

COACH KEVIN SUMLIN: Johnny. Locker room. Got a couple scouts waiting for you in there.

JOHNNY MANZIEL: What? Who?

COACH: Couple big shots. All I know.

MANZIEL: They know I'm not throwing, right?

COACH: I don't know what they know, Football. Just go.

MANZIEL: Whatever.

Manziel saunters into the locker room, and from there the film room. Or however it's set up there. Whatever. Once there, he sees a couple familiar faces in sunglasses.

Switzer_medium

MANZIEL: Mister ... Mister Jaworski?

RON JAWORSKI: Son ... it's Agent Jaworski.

MANZIEL: And -- and...

BARRY SWITZER: And Agent Switzer.

MANZIEL: Like sports agents?

JAWORSKI: I'm afraid not. We're agents for America.

MANZIEL: ... I don't understand.

JAWORSKI: Son, you saw those guys out there. Jumping around. Running 40 yards in one direction, or back and forth, back and forth real quick. That sound like football to you?

MANZIEL: I guess so?

JAWORSKI: You ever gonna do that three-cone drill in a real football game?

MANZIEL: I mean, kinda.

JAWORSKI: You ever see a lineman sprinting 40 yards in the National Football League?

MANZIEL: No. So why are we all doing that here?

JAWORSKI: Because these drills aren't for football at all. They're training for some very classified operations.

MANZIEL: I don't know what you're talking about. I'm a football player. I'm Johnny Football.

SWITZER: Son, what we're proposing is, how about you become Johnny Espionage?

MANZIEL: I -- I should go.

JAWORSKI: Now listen here. We have been running this combine for over three decades and recruiting the finest specimens for the most difficult missions in American interests abroad.

SWITZER: Protecting the freedom.

JAWORSKI: Here's a thing you probably didn't know, Johnny. There isn't a single hallway in the Russian embassy that's more than 36 meters long. That's 120 feet. Or as you might know it...

MANZIEL: ... 40 yards.

JAWORSKI: You're quick on the uptake. We like that at the CIA. And did you know that the quickest route from the central data repository to the nearest blind spot in the Kremlin is across a 10-foot gap you can't get a running start on?

MANZIEL: Broad jump.

SWITZER: Kid's sharper 'n a porcupine's ass, Jaws.

JAWORSKI: And son, I gotta tell you, we need the total package in the Central Intelligence Agency. We need a dual-threat quarterback, a guy who can hurt you with his feet and also with his mind. Espionage is all about making plays, and when we see you create in the backfield and turn around and run a 4.03 short shuttle, we see a guy who's gonna do things in the war on Communism.

MANZIEL: Wait -- Communism? Like the stuff from the '60s?

SWITZER: Russkies!

JAWORSKI: The red scare is real!

MANZIEL: I don't even know what y'all are talking about! I'm out of here.

JAWORSKI: Join the CIA, damn it! You're going to make two powerful enemies if you don't!

MANZIEL: Deuces.

Manziel puts his earbuds in and leaves the room.

JAWORSKI: You haven't heard the last of us!

Screen_shot_2014-02-26_at_9

Star-divide

Screen_shot_2014-02-26_at_9

Star-divide

Manziel is expected to be drafted in the early first round of the 2014 NFL Draft. The United States has denied any involvement between Jaworski and Switzer and the CIA. Wearing sunglasses inside is not recommended.

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