PFT Commenter's strong takes are presented as PARODY. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional ... we think. -Ed.
First of all, I want to say thanks to all the REAL fans out there, and remind everyone that theres no offseason for strongtakes. What does the off-season have in store for me? Well Im doing some exiting stuff like on-scene reporting from some of the league's hottest events, and thinking about doing a E-book for you guys to get everyone prepared for White History month and 2014 NFL season which is one day closer then it was yesterday. But enough with the ME talk lets make this about WE. Here are your Superbowl awards:
Road Grader of the week: Pepsi
Coke blew it. Honestly selling a product name "Coke" to football players should be as easy as selling a brand of oversize tshirts named "Bail Bonds". But they screwed up and they scerwed up BIG time in their bigoted Superbowl ad that bullied White, english talking American soda drinkers.
Its pretty simple if you want to make an hit commercial. I'll make one right now for coke of the top of my head:
Theres a monkey like a chimpazee and hes wearing a detectives outfit hes literaly got a magnifying glass and hes walking around looking for clues. He opens up a cabinet and finds pictures of a female monkey wearing lingere- A CLUE!
He takes the pictures into the bathroom and pulls down his pants but then we zoom in on the picture,, the girl chimps holding a coke. The detective looks at the coke than at the jars of vaseline hes got sitting out on the counter (close up says "best regards, Kellen Winslow" on the vaseline) he looks back at the coke, the at the vaseline again and he throws the picture away and busrts out of the bathroom literally knocking the door of its hinges.The vaseline explodes it was a bomb desinged to trick him into pounding off with a bomb.
He breaks another door down to get in2 a convenience store (still using the magnafying glass) and he breaks the glass door on the drink cooler and drinks like 9 cokes. You show the little coke logo then cuts back to the commerical and the lingere chimp is the cashier and she winks at him and the chimp does AMERICAN sign language for "1 box of magnums please" and he winks at the camra.
There thats your commercial it literaly took me less then 2 minutes to write. But no you had to go and get a bunch of soda-drinkers mad at you because you wanted to make an statement that not only English talking Americans can drink your drink well great job,, Im buying stock in Pepsi folks.
Fan of the Week: Matt Mills, independent journalist for Youtube and Infowars
Malcom Smh won the MVP award for his pick 6 but the best interseption of the day goes to Matt Mills for showing Smith what a real Mic Linebacker looks like and strutting his stuff on national TV. Smith won the MVP which honestly should of gone to Peyton Manning for throwing such a darn catchable ball. Not in a racist way but you allmost have to feel bad for the folks doing the airbrush tshirt stands at Disney world if this guys going there but hey nice to earn some overtime before Valentime's day.
Matter fact, Matthew Mills might be fan of the year on account of his spreading awareness to the masses. Honestly his point he makes right here is literally more logicaly sound then most youll see on First Take. Would love to get him on there to go toe-to-toe with Skip and Steve about our fiat currensy or whether or not WW2 happened.
Showoff of the week: Percy Harvin
(pic from Seattle Times/John Lok)
You know for a guy whose always complaining about MY-graines Percy really seems to seek out the spotlight for himself. Ironic he gives his coaches the biggest headaches of them all folks. Hey Percy you have a 22-0 lead and with that Kick Return for a touchdown you've gone and esentially turned the ball over with nothing to show for it except 6 points.
If Peyton gets the ball back right there and they score a TD they have ALL the momentum at that point and 29-7 is alot better then 22-0. He would of made Leon Lett look like Adam Vinateri with that one. Hey Seattle hope throwing all that money a way was worth it for a guy with a case of touchdown fever. He even let the ball bounce on the kickoff (your not suppose to do that). Apparently Harvin was inspired by the little Bruno Mars wiggle as he tiptoed to the end zone but at least he wasnt caught singing "Give it away now" like Manning folks.
Danny "Newsboy" Woodhead lunchpail fella of the week: Commissioner Roger Goodell
De Smith tries so hard to be a lunch pail guy but turns out his coolers only filled with crow. You talk about your dream foursome I mean its gotta be Me, Danny Woodhead Roger Goodell and just pick a Gronkowski out of a hat folks. Im talking about golf btw.
Goodell is truly a man of the people and he proved it again by sitting outside at the Superbowl. If theres video of him doing the Wave or punching the lights out of another fan for not being loud enough please send it to me.
The commish once again presided over a masterful season in the NFL. If your going to give Obama credit for the stock market then technically you have to give Goodell all the credit for there being so many winning teams this year. IMO the NFL should sell a Roger Goodell jersey.