'Twas the night before free agency when all through the league,
Not a creature was signing not even Talib.
Their agents were sending out their feelers with care
In hopes that Dan Snyder soon would be there.
The players were all nestled all snug in their beds;
While visions of paychecks danced in their heads;
Now no longer handcuffed by the salary cap,
Snyder woke up from his league-mandated nap.
When out on the runway there arose such a clatter,
Attendance was down and jersey sales even flatter.
"The Redskins need sizzle! Need excitement! Need flash!
Let's go to their houses with piles of cash!"
They piled into his jet plane- Coach Gruden, Tom Cruise.
The lawyer, the butler, a cubed-acre of booze.
"Let's go get Santonio, hell, let's get John Madden!
Let's sign Toby Gerhart to back up Darren McFadden!"
When Aqib Talib woke up to a sound,
It's a jet- Redskins 1! And a bottle of Crown.
With a little tycoon with a cigar and lighter,
He knew in a moment it must be Dan Snyder.
Much slower than Eagles free agents, they came!
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
"Now Haynesworth, now Sanders, now Carrier, now Carter!
On Archuletta, on Grossman, on Carriker, on Trotter!"
To the top of the Forbes lists, to the piles of cash!
To the league's highest payrolls and still playing like ass!
"I'll pay you whatever your agent says that you're worth-
But I won't spend a red cent on installing field turf!
I'm turning it around, we're going to win 13 games!
I'll pay you enough money to forget about the name.
Just name your price! You seem like a decent guy,"
But DC is the place where careers go to die.
Talib hung up his stocking and pretended to sleep,
While his agent and Snyder had talks on the sneak.
As the clock chimed on over and the league year began,
It was like second Hanukkah for our friend the Dan.
He handed out contracts with seasonal cheer,
And signed Devin Hester for 30 million, 5 years.
But Talib had an Ace, he wasn't playing nice,
He was using Dan Snyder to drive up his price.
Snyder was livid! He shan't be outbid!
So he added 3 more years and he locked up the kid.
Talib smiled like a sneaky Christmas elf,
Once again Snyder outnegotiated himself.
He sprang to his airplane, to his team gave a shout,
And away they all flew, to go ignore some more scouts.
"I'll see you in May for our first mini camp,
Once again it's the Redskins who are offseason champs!"
And then off he sailed with more money to burn,
"Happy Free Agency to all, you know I'll never learn."