As the NFL machine churns away at eliminating humanity from its gradual destruction of human combatants, Celebrity Hot Tub and I glimpsed into our crystal ball to see what draconian changes await the NFL's future touchdown celebrations.
2015: NFL officials rule that spiking the ball qualifies as using it as a prop. 15-yard penalty.
2016: High-fiving, hugging, or otherwise touching teammates after a score is ruled a "group celebration," and thus merits a 15-yard penalty.
2018: No more than two hip pumps.
2020: Touchdowns by players with visible tattoos worth only five points.
2021: Teams scoring touchdowns will not be credited with points unless the scoring player correctly fills out Form 1170-TD(b) and submits it through the correct channels for review by the NFL Scoring Office.*
*Fans can watch a live feed of the Scoring Office on NFL Net 2. Talk to your cable provider about getting NFL Net 2 today!
2022: Player scoring a touchdown may not give the ball to a fan unless player brought one for everyone in the stadium. Player shall be docked pay to replace any balls given away.
2025: Touchdowns must be previously declared at Customs.
2028: Eye contact with officials forbidden.
2031: No screaming after touchdowns in domed stadiums. Inside voices, people.
2036: After a Tacodown (brought to you by Taco Bell), player must eat the ball, which is now made of ground beef covered in a thick Frito carapace, and look happy doing it. Saying "Yo quiero Taco Bell" in a sufficiently Mexican accent replaces the extra point.
2042: 15-yard penalty for any Tacodown celebration that does not include a loyalty oath to the Commissioner's Office.
2051: Each player scoring a Tacodown must donate one million platelets toward the continued survival of Chancellor Goodell, as newly required in Article VII of the Charter of the Confederated States of American Football, a subsidiary nation of NFL-Prime.
2058: Imagination strictly forbidden. Independent thought and/or disobeying one's Reichcoach merits indefinite imprisonment.
2167: Tacodowns outlawed; "This is why we can't have nice things," declares God-King Goodell II.