Donald Trump is not buying the Buffalo Bills

Mike Stobe

America's favorite ham-headed fake billionaire is not any more likely to buy the Buffalo Bills than he is to run for president. But he's "considering" both.

Donald Trump lives in an endless April Fools' Day, to the point where it's difficult to say that some Trump-related story is more or less believable because it happens to arrive on the first day of April.

Everything Trump says -- it invariably arrives wrapped in reassurances that This Tweet Is A Fantastic Tweet, Very Popular or that Everyone Loves This Line Of Premium Neckties Available Exclusively At 7-Eleven -- scans as a prank. No one does a better Donald Trump imitation than Donald Trump, and his is ruthless.

Another way to say this: the ambient ridiculousness that trails Donald Trump like a cloud of steak-fart and pine cone air freshener scent serves to obscure and overwhelm his every action and utterance. So when Donald Trump talks about buying the Buffalo Bills on April 1, the correct response is to laugh first and assess the idea's relative seriousness later.

Donald Trump is almost never joking. Donald Trump is always serious. He is also always the joke.

But Trump is indeed "looking at" investing in the Bills, according to an interview with a Buffalo radio station. "I know so many people in Buffalo," Trump told WBEN-FM, "and they have asked me about looking at that, and I certainly would look at it." Of course, Trump is also "looking at" running for governor of New York or president of the United States. He is looking at whether vaccines cause autism, and looking at whether Barack Obama was born in this country. He is looking outside, seeing snow on the ground, and then looking at the dubious science behind climate change.

Donald Trump looks at a lot of things, his tiny eyes squinting out of his great freezer-burned Creamsicle of a head, his puckered mouth like the knotted end of a Nathan's hot dog. Loosen it, and all kinds of nitrite-plumped filler and noxious meat-bits are going to come spilling out.

Of course Donald Trump isn't going to buy the Buffalo Bills. The Bills are, for all the many people Trump knows in Buffalo -- all big fans, very successful people, who love the show and have told him he'd do a great job as governor -- off-brand for Trump, who is more of a Heavily Leveraged Golf Empire type than a Struggling NFL Franchise In Western New York type. Trump is much better at pretending to be a bold billionaire on television than he is at being one here on Earth.

End of era in Buffalo

Trump will not run for governor or president, because he would lose and look laughable doing it, and also because doing things like that is hard. He will not buy all or part of the Bills because he already tried owning a football team, and wound up bankrupting an entire goddamn league.

It's not just that it's easier for Trump to drop anti-knowledge about vaccinations on Twitter than it is for him to do things like buy NFL teams. It's more that he's much, much better at the former.

This is the special secret competence at the heart of the whole Trump thing. He is a noxious presence in the culture, a clown carved from premium-quality mortadella and one of the most relentlessly ill-informed and ruthlessly self-caricaturing people in American public life. But even if Trump doesn't really know that many people in Buffalo, damned if the guy doesn't know his limitations.

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