NFL releases 2014 schedule of storylines

Rob Foldy-USA TODAY Sports

The NFL keeps pushing back the release of the 2014 game schedule, but they've gone ahead and let us know what we will be discussing during each week.

Week 1: Tom Brady tears his ACL on a QB sneak. NFL responds by banning defense.

Week 2: The Oakland Raiders are mathematically eliminated from playoff contention.

Week 3: Chad Johnson, Terrell Owens, and Randy Moss all insist they "could still play in the NFL," during various "Take your daddy to school" days.

Week 4: The Browns fire Mike Pettine.

Week 5: Phillip Rivers' wife gives birth to twins Josidiah and Jobibedah.

Week 6: Colin Kaepernick wears a baseball hat or some bullshit.

Week 7: Drunk fan runs onto field in Chicago, Jared Allen grabs him, drinks his beer, is fined $50,000 by Goodell. Allen requests fine to be raised to $69,000 which he pays in venison.

Week 8: Reggie Bush and Calvin Johnson defect from Detroit during the Lions' road trip to London.

Week 9: Phillip Rivers' wife is pregnant again.

Week 10: Major questions about Jadeveon Clowney's work ethic surface when he fails to notch a single sack-fumble during the bye week.

Week 11: Merril Hoge says that Johnny Manziel should be benched, then Ed Werder asks Manziel about Hoge's comments during a press conference, then ESPN brings Hoge back to address Manziel's response, then Chris Mortensen reports that Manziel will no longer take questions from Werder, then Werder and Hoge go on on the SEC Network's version of "First Take" and they're asked about Manziel by Tim Tebow. Tebow's comments are broadcast into outer space and lead directly to intergalactic war and annihilation.

Week 12: The Ryan twins appear on "Wife Swap," get divorces after the second day, and marry their brothers' former spouses. Both seem happy.

Week 13: Thursday Night Football still sucks.

Week 14: Something crazy happened in your fantasy league because your friend started one player who didn't have a very good game, and he benched another player who played very well or "shat the bed" as you remind him several dozen times at work. Your friend doesn't know anything about football!

Week 15: Aldon Smith reinstated to 49ers after Jim Harbaugh realizes that the past two years of his life were all being filmed for MTV's "Boiling Points."

Week 16: In major replay snafu, NFL VP of Officiating Dean Blandino drastically misinterprets the Calvin Johnson rule and overturns Marbury vs. Madison.

Week 17: The Browns fire their coach.

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