The next wave of sports-themed businesses

Why are there so many business in America that don't have anything to do with sports?

I think it was Homer Simpson who said, "sports sports sports sports sports sports sports sports." American guys are crazy about sports, that's for sure!

That's why the "just for men" barbershop SportClips has been so wildly successful. What's there not to love about tuning into Sportscenter during the one hour of your month that you're not nearby a computer or television? And just between us guys, there's nothin' wrong with a little eye candy while we get our haircuts, am I right fellas?

/nudges you so hard I break your rib

Just take a look at all the benefits to getting your haircut at a place where there's sports:

Sportclips_medium

It's no wonder that SportClips has the American man by the short and curlies, but what about all the other businesses that are failing to capitalize on the hard-earned dollar of the average joe six-pack? There are literally dozens of minutes everyday where I'm forced to do things without incorporating sports and no one can give me a good reason why. Fortunately, I've submitted patent applications for all the following business models, places where guys can be guys and contribute to our nation's sports economy.

SportPayday Loans- Katy, Texas

Sportpayday_medium

What guy hasn't lost the mortgage betting on the hounds down at the track with the crew? Fortunately, the wifey won't have to know about your bad day at the races thanks to SportPayday Loans! Sure, other places might offer slightly better interest rates, but we know what guys are REALLY interested in — sports! That's why you can pick either a two-week loan or a 15-day loan at 50% APR to commemorate the Houston Texans' longest winning streaks and Matt Schaub's completion percentage.

Is that a wad of hundreds in your pocket or are you just happy to see our world-famous Money Honeys?

Woah there Donovan, you don't have to bounce any more checks. SportPayday Loans has everything you need to have your bill payments clear your account like a hurdler does in sports! We'll get you in and out with cash in your pocket in no-time with our two-minute drill into your credit history.

SportFuneral Home- Eau Claire, Wisconsin

Sportfuneral_medium

Aren't you sick of dying without being able to catch the Not Top Ten? Well, maybe don't die on a Friday then, nerd. But if you have to die, might as well choose us to help with your "passing game." Make sure to wear your Sunday best, because our world-famous ashes-to-ashes, bust-to-bust Dream-ation girls are sure to set your heart on fire.

Tell all of your friends, "in lieu of flowers, send a remote control. The game's on!"

SportArmy

Hey teens, selfie much? All our helmets come equipped with GoPros and we've got all sorts of other cool cameras too! Help defend America's "Home Court" from its opponents.

Q: What does LeBron James have in common with a soldier?

A: They both get to travel a lot!

Do you enjoy teamwork, having a strict dress code, and extreme physical exertion in a contractual employee role? Sounds like you'd like our new Army for a new generation — the Sports generation! You're all five-star recruits in our eyes.

The SportPort — New York, New York

Spotport_medium

You think you're a fan of the Jets? Prove it by buying our services from us.

Purchase a ticket to the SportPort and make all of your wildest dreams come true. All of our aircraft land through goalposts and giant basketball hoops so you can really score while you soar! As if that weren't enough, our planes have bleacher style seating facing the center of the plane with a bowling alley going down the middle. Now that's what I call an air-strike!

Who needs a TSA agent when you've got one of our world-famous hot hot hot T&A agents ready to guide you to the landing strip? Please remove your belt, shoes, and all explosives from your pants! Seriously though, don't pull your wang out in the security line anymore we're going to lose our license.

Go Team!

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