Well, hey Qatar, official host of the 2022 World Cup. You're looking pretty sexy there. I mean, you're looking beautiful. I can say that, right?
WHERE YOU AT QATAR? It's kind of like the appendix to Saudi Arabia, or its stubby tail, or if you're viewing frontally its modest erect member sticking out of its belly. This simile would get you jailed in Qatar, but I'm typing this in America where we love two things: football* and penis jokes.
It also looks like Michigan. Unlike Michigan, Qatar has resources like money and money and more money. The money wells of Qatar are its only resource, but it's a pretty nice one to have, even though they and their swift deposits directly into Sepp Blatter's bank account have nothing to do with them getting the World Cup. They also have oil, but whatever, bottomless oil wells spouting mineral wealth into the air.
Qatar's neighbors also include Bahrain. Unlike Qatar, Bahrain is only slightly horrendously wealthy. Sometimes they can't even afford money to use as kindling for their nightly money bonfires. Suck it, poor people of Bahrain!
The population was 1.3 million in 2009, or roughly a populace the size of Memphis in area the size of Connecticut. It will be the smallest country to ever host a World Cup. This opens the door for Sealand's 2026 bid now, and for that Roy of Sealand thanks you.
ISN'T IT HOT THERE? Yes, with average temperatures in July rising to 115 degrees on average and sometimes climbing into the 120s. In response to concerns about the heat, the Qataris have promised to air-condition every stadium. Your grandmother, if she is not already dead, just passed out thinking about the 'lectric bill and died. Thanks a lot, Qatar.You'll have to buy everyone a new grandma now. (Qatar: "No problem. Do you mind if she is Pakistani or Filipino? They make up 25 percent of our population, and cannot leave the country without our permission." "Sold!")
THEIR SOCCER HERITAGE IS IMPRESSIVE. It is, if we're counting Youtube.
Qatar has never qualified for a World Cup.
HOW'S THAT GOVERNMENT? Qatar is comparatively liberal compared to its neighbors. Its neighbors include Saudi Arabia, so this means their laws make Alabama's legal code look like Denmark's in comparison. Women can drive and educational equality is strongly emphasized, but let's not get crazy and assume everyone gets to vote on this. Qatar is an emirate, and is ruled by Emir Hamad bin Khalifa Al Thani, who stole the job from his dad while Pops was vacationing in Switzerland in 1995. If only we'd invented the concept of a staycation earlier, this could have all been so different.
The woman you saw pleading Qatar's case is Sheikha Mozah, the second of Sheikh Hamad's wives. (Sheikhs are, in case you missed it, ballin' hardcore 24/7.) She spends her spare time looking fabulous and appearing in ONTD Photoshops:
The laws of the country regarding alcohol are less strict than their neighbors, but again, that ain't exactly liberal. Alcohol is sold with a permit, and then only really consumed in certain high-end hotels and bars. FIFA has promised drinking zones. I'd like to type this for emphasis here:
FIFA HAS SUGGESTED PENNING UP SOCCER DRUNKS IN FENCED-OFF AREAS AND MAKING THEM DRINK UNDER THE BLAZING SUN IN QATAR WHILE BRAZILIANS COMPLAIN ABOUT WEARING TOO MUCH CLOTHING IN A MUSLIM COUNTRY AND STRIP DOWN TO THEIR BIKINIS AND GERMANS AND BRITS ALTERNATE HEATSTROKE AND RIOTING.
This will all work splendidly.They are the home of Al-Jazeera, as well, so at least the television coverage will be excellent on a third network behind Univision and ESPN. There's a veiled background dancer joke to make here, but I'm too gutted by the decision to award the 2022 World Cup to anyone but the United States to make it.
*Not soccer, but the smashy kind, duh.