Qatar's World Cup Stadiums Reviewed

Qatar's making a bid for the 2022 World Cup, and there are serious problems with it. There are no flying cars, and by the year 2022 we better have flying cars, since I've been waiting on those since I saw them in a "Homes of the Future" book in 1980.  There is also the issue of alcohol and the very Muslim territory that simultaneously allows it in expensive hotels and bars but might arrest you for drinking it on the street. People like to drink in the street during the World Cup. These two things might be at odds, most especially if Scotland qualifies. 

The stadiums are another problem. Qatar's pitch is insane: full-on, barking-dog-flying-a-blimp-inflated-with-unicorn gas crazy from start to end. Video is below: boggle at it, and join me after the jump for a tour of the stadiums. 

Awesome. That 38 hour commute to Khartoum was killing me. Mostly due to the malaria I would contract daily from driving through Sudan, but also due to the traffic. This is my favorite not because it looks like a boat, but because it looks like one big mustache (which, given Arab facial hair trends in the Gulf States, would be appropriate.) 

This is supposed to resemble a sea shell, but we know the plan, Qatari sheikhs. OR SHOULD WE JUST CALL YOU BY YOUR REAL NAME, SAURON? 

Qatar wove you a basket. It's the lack of giant pita chips filling it that shows their lack of seriousness in their bid for a World Cup, not to mention the lack of a matching gigantic hummus bowl next to it. if that ribbon is flammable, English fans will set it on fire. You have to think about these things, Qatar/Sauron. The ribbon, btw, has a name: 

This beats the "garland of indifference," I suppose, though the "itchy twine of disregard" would be a stark but gripping wrapping for the third place game. If the architects of this stadium are asked to build a future stadium for the Jacksonville Jaguars, they should skip the Ribbon of Friendship entirely and go to the only material that will do, "The Balsa Wood of Transferable Mediocrity." (It's light for easy transport to Los Angeles.) 

Qatar 2022: where soccer may finally may fulfill its dream of an underwater World Cup Final. For some reason when people want to make things look futuristic, they always throw in some woven polycarbonate crap, as if to say "Don't worry, in the future we'll have Pike's Nurseries for your grandparents to lurk around all day, too." 

Okay, that's actually completely cool. It looks a bit like the MCP from Tron, and the cooling units better work overtime or you'll cook the upper deck by halftime, but the full wraparound is properly ludicrous. The others make some kind of attempt at harmonizing with the environment, which seems disingenuous when you're talking about a place that would not exist without enough oil money to support the massive infrastructure needed to survive on the edge of the desert. Turning the entire stadium into a gigantic video donut? That's the kind of middle finger in the face of mother nature we expect from you, Qatar. Do more of this and 2022 is a real possibility.