Sepp Blatter: Racist Abuse Should Be Settled Via Handshake

Sepp Blatter is at it again. The famously (and allegedly) corrupt head of FIFA has decided to weigh in on a topic near and dear to his heart - racist abuse. Specifically, the fact it's totally cool as long as the victim shakes the abuser's hand afterwards:

There is no racism, there is maybe one of the players towards another, he has a word or a gesture which is not the correct one, but also the one who is affected by that. He should say that this is a game. We are in a game, and at the end of the game, we shake hands, and this can happen, because we have worked so hard against racism and discrimination.

Our imaginary elfin sources in the FIFA offices have turned up official looking memos that describe what else Mr. Blatter thinks could and should have been settled with a handshake:

  • The Thirty Years War.
  • All murder everywhere.
  • Poverty*.
  • Occupy Wall Street.
  • Corruption allegations.
  • The timeless feud between the Olympian Gods and Azrael, Lord of the Void for the ultimate fate of the universe.

*Just kidding. Sepp doesn't care about poor people!

But worry not, everyone - Mr. Blatter isn't totally inflexible. Rumour has it he'll allow womens' soccer players to settle dispute via a polite curtsey.

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