Saturday December 17th
15:00 GMT (10:00 AM ET); Ewood Park
Well, the more things change the more they stay the same and etc and so forth. Blackburn is just off the bottom. Somehow. West Brom is barely clinging to mid-table. Somehow. No one is interested in this game. Wisdom of the crowds.
Pick: Draw, 1-1
Everton vs. Norwich City
15:00 GMT (10:00 AM ET); Goodison Park
The arrival of Captain America is sure to lift the hairlines of the entirety of the blue half of Merseyside.
Pick: Everton, 2-1
15:00 GMT (10:00 AM ET); Craven Cottage
Goodness, Bolton is a nightmare. There's a fair bit of talent but so many gaping holes and it's somehow equally tough ti see them being relegated and escaping relegation. Fulham is trying to shake off a crushing loss in Europa competition, and though their mid-week Odense will be tough to shake off losing to Bolton would somehow be more humiliating. Ouch, Bolton.
Pick: Draw, 2-2
Newcastle United vs. Swansea City
15:00 GMT (10:00 AM ET); I've Already Run Out Of Jokes Because Oh God Who Cares Any More Arena
Swansea keeps the ball, but doesn't do a whole lot with it. Newcastle can wreak havoc in front of goal, but they're so bad at getting the ball up front from the back that it's largely irrelevant. Maybe if there's a 50/50 that all 20 outfield players go for at once they'll collide with such force they'll meld into one. They'll be the most silky passing, deadly finishing side in the world and Barca will kneel at their feet. Or, more realistically, they'll lose their ability to pass forward, their ability to read the game and the point-blank finishing that could separate them from the crowd. Collisions like that can really mess you up. you know.
Pick: Newcastle, 2-1
Wolverhampton Wanderers vs. Stoke City
15:00 GMT (10:00 AM ET); Molineaux Stadiumt
"I'm a football!" said the Little Catalan Football. "I love to fly through the air, to feel a sturdy boot upon my backside, to come face-to-face with the giants on my journey into my home, the back of the net! "Ho ho ho!" said the curly-haired man with the band around his arm. "This little football thinks he'll be flying through the air!" The curly-haired man winked at the bad, pea-coated man and smiled. Little did they know, the Little Catalan Football had idea above his station.
And so, the Little Catalan Football devised a plan. One day, when no one was the wiser, he stowed away in the luggage of a visiting team and made passage towards the magical place of which he'd once heard. The journey across the seas was the only the beginning; he worked his way from the south, skidding across the grass at the behest of earnest but less-than-skillful players, in places with silly names such as Crawley and Swindon and Exeter. But then, just as he'd all but given up hope, that Little Catalan Footballcast a weary eye out of his dark, lonely bag. And he glimpsed the words "Molineaux Stadium." And he began to get just a wee bit excited. And then, as he lay on the grass, he saw the pile of towels; his heart bursting, he waited patiently for the last sign. And then he saw it. Those glorious red-and-white stripes.
And that was the moment the Little Catalan Football knew he had made it. He knew he was home. And with that first swipe of the towel, followed by a sweet, sweet kiss from the face of giant, the Little Catalan Football knew he wasn't a Little Catalan Football any more.
Pick: Stoke, 3-1
17:30 GMT (12:30 PM ET); DW Stadium
Does this game really need to happen? I mean, really? We're all pretty much in agreement about what's going to happen, right? Okay, cool. Just checking.
Pick: Chelsea, 3-0
Sunday December 18th
Queens Park Rangers vs. Manchester United
12:00 GMT (7:00 AM ET); Loftus Road
Haha, QPR has a player United could really, really, really use that didn't cost very much money at all.
Haha, United are probably still the second-best team in England despite looking longingly towards the midfield of the (at best) 10th best team in England.
Haha, England is probably still going to have a Champions League Final app-oh. Oh god.
Pick: United, 1-0
Aston Villa vs. Liverpool
14:55 GMT (9:05 AM ET); Villa Park
Oh sweet sassy christ this game. People: Liverpool is boring. Stop watching them. Especially stop watching them when they're playing Aston Villa. Go back to bed.
Pick: Liverpool, 1-0
15:00 GMT (10:00 AM ET); White Hart Lane
Oh hey Spurs are through to Europa yay yay everyone is so stoked hooraaaayyy.
Pick: Spurs, 3-0
16:10 GMT (11:10 AM ET); Etihad Stadium
MIDDLE EAST AIRFARE IN CRISIS
Pick: City, 2-1