Have you been concerned about the worrying levels of debt taken on by top flight clubs? Do you find leveraged buy-outs and spending hundred of millions on players alarming? Are you not entirely comfortable with £35, £40, and £50M transfer fees? Well then you've totally missed the point. The real evil in modern football? Boots. Boots with colours.
Neon green. Purple. Red. White. Pink. This scourge of football, perpetrated by flashy players, has ruined matches, relationships, and quite possibly lives. Several observers were reported to have been driven to drink by the Nike Mercurial Vapor (TM) series, whose hideous blend of iridescents appears to be in violation of the Geneva convention.
But fear not, friends! At long last, teams are beginning to take a stand! Everton, Manchester United and others are taking steps to stamp out the ruinous culture of coloured-booting at the source: The villainous youths themselves. No longer will they be allowed to peddle their filth at either club's academy. Proper attire will be instead provided.
It seems that our long international nightmare may finally be coming to a close.
Ed. Note: It has been discovered that author wears white football boots with red trim. The tart.