It's another Premier League weekend! We have an utterly excellent slate of games for you all to feast your merry eyes on for round two of the new season. Arsenal play Liverpool! Swansea may win against Wigan! Sunderland host Newcastle! What unmatched fun is this? (Only thirty seven games to go. Only thirty seven games to go. Only thirty seven games to go.)
Saturday August 20th
12:00 PM GMT (7:00 AM EST); Stadium of Light
Ah, the infamous Wear-Tyne derby, where people from two lovely cities have a bit of a tiff about which of their places of abode is superior. Hint, guys: Nobody else cares.
Pick: 1-1 Draw.
12:45 PM GMT (7:45 AM EST); Emirates Stadium
Has Samir Nasri been sold yet? How about now? Now? Arsenal's hilarious midfield dilemma matches up against its exact opposite in Liverpool's midfield, which I think may result in some sort of matter-antimatter collision whose results will put the London riots to shame. Or it might just give the Emirates Stadium some character. Who knows.
Pick: 2-1 Arsenal.
Aston Villa vs. Blackburn Rovers
3:00 PM GMT (10:00 AM EST); Villa Park
The 12,405th time these teams have met in the past 24 months. Consequently, everything normal that could possibly happen in this fixture has already happened, leaving us with the crazy and wild at Villa Park this Sunday. Prediction: Paul Robinson turns into a crocodile, Stilyan Petrov turns out to be William Shakespeare in disguise, Emile Heskey scores, and Barry Bannan and Marc Albrighton retire to spend the rest of their days watching teletubbies. I guess the last one wouldn't be that surprising.
Pick: 1-0 Villa.
3:00 PM GMT (10:00 AM EST); Goodison Park
Thanks to the Great iPod Riots of 2011, Everton have yet to start their season. QPR, on the other hand, will wish they hadn't, haven't been subjected to an absolute hammering by Bolton in their first match. It's rust vs. mediocrity, which I wish rhymed with rust, because that would sound way cooler.
Pick: 3-1 Everton.
3:00 PM GMT (10:00 AM EST); Liberty Stadium.
Is it a relegation six-pointer if it happens in August?
Pick: 2-2 Draw.
After the dismal failure of only picking up a point and a clean sheet against Stoke, rumour has it that Roman Abramovich has fired Andre Villas-Boas and invested one hundred billion dollars in his new squad. WBA will tremble before the might of a Chelsea attack led by three cyborg clones of Lionel Messi.
Pick: 3-0 Chelsea.
Sunday August 21st
1:30 PM GMT (8:30 AM EST); Carrow Road
Welcome to the Premier League, Norwich. You've had Wigan, but that was a cushy landing - this time you get to face Tony Pulis' Stoke and their Roman siege weapon known as Rory Delap. You'll also have the fun of Stoke players committing more physical assaults on John Ruddy than have occurred in London over the past two weeks. I'd say he won't know what hit him, but he quite obviously will - it'll be Ryan Shawcross. A lot.
Pick: 2-1 Stoke
2:00 PM GMT (9:00 AM EST); Molineux
Easy pick for most boring game of the weekend.
4:00 PM GMT (11:00 AM EST); Reebok Stadium
Manchester City impressed against Swansea on Monday, but that team's Welsh, so I'm pretty sure it doesn't actually count. How will Sergio Aguero do on a cold Sunday evening on Bolton? It's not like he's ever faced good teams before.
Pick: 1-1 Draw.
Monday August 22nd
It's the first match of the season for Spurs, whose debut has been delayed by the rioting that started in their home borough. As a result, they get to kick of 2011/12 with a match against Manchester United at Old Trafford, which would sound much more dangerous if the home defence didn't currently consist of four pieces of tissue paper in front of David de Gea.
Pick: 2-1 United.