Alex Livesey - Getty Images
Let's be honest; most of the games look just awful. But at least one or two of them will turn out to be pretty fun, and the weekend's closing act ought to be a whole lot of fun.
Manchester City vs. Sunderland
Etihad Stadium; Saturday, 12:45 GMT/7:45 ET
How has Sunderland not lost a game yet? Oh, right, Martin O'Neill. Well, all good (or in this case mildly impressive but largely pretty boring) things must come to an end. And frankly, Manchester City's 83-man midfield trying to break down Sunderland away from home sounds pretty awful. They probably will, eventually, but at what cost? (The answer is a lot.)
Pick: City, 1-0
Chelsea vs. Norwich City
Stamford Bridge; Saturday, 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET
It's been a rough six months for Norwich. After a very pleasant first season back in the Premier League, the architect of their recent success left for Aston Villa under acrimonious circumstances. The Canaries are winless through six games with a league-worst -9 goal difference under Chris Hughton, and they've looked truly dire all season. And now Paul Lambert is suing them for £2 million claiming "wrongful termination" which is apparently something football managers do with some regularity because he world of football is completely insane and nonsensical. This weekend they'll travel to take on the current league leaders and reigning Champions of Europe. But there's nowhere but up to go from here, right?
Pick: Chelsea, 3-0
Swansea City vs. Reading
Liberty Stadium; Saturday, 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET
Swansea is that comfortable mid-table side that can't quite to seem to get over the hump but that absolutely destroys sides that are in over their heads. For whatever reason, pundits seem to tune into the games in which they look amazing. So, prepare for a horrible game!
Pick: Swansea, 3-1
The Hawthorns; Saturday, 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET
Oh hey West Brom is pretty good oh whoops they almost lost to Villa well nevermind, QPR is still terrible though, so it's probably ok.
Pick: West Brom, 2-1
DW Stadium; Saturday, 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET
It makes absolutely zero sense, and I have nothing in the way of numbers to back it up, but it seems like Wigan is the awful, relegation-threatened team that stands between teams of destiny and the also-rans. So with that in mind, Wigan wins!
Pick: Wigan, 2-1
Upton Park; Saturday, 17:30 GMT/12:30 PM ET
Oh look another London Derby that will suck.
Pick: Arsenal, 2-0
Southampton vs. Fulham
St. Mary's Stadium; Sunday, 13:30 GMT/8:30 AM ET
Well I've been pushing Southampton for weeks now, and because I am an idiot I see no reason to stop now. You guys, Gaston Ramirez is really great! And Adam Llallana is the next Lampard! (Or some English player. I don't know. I'm bored now.)
Pick: Southampton, 3-2
Liverpool vs. Stoke City
Anfield; Sunday, 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET
Look Liverpool, we all get it. You're important, because you're Liverpool. And it's not like you have a decades-long trophy drought or anything; you've won stuff recently. But right now, you're a gosh-darned disaster. So either S or get off the P. Because you're just not interesting at all, and given the average attention span of the Premier League's target demographic, no one is going to care in six months.
Pick: Liverpool, 2-1
Tottenham Hotspur vs. Aston Villa
White Hart Lane; Sunday, 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET
Good news for Villa: Darren Bent came off the bench to earn them an unexpected point against West Brom at Villa Park. Bad news for Villa: Darren Bent is really mad about coming off the bench, and coming from behind against West Brom at Villa Park counts as good news.
Pick: Spurs, 3-0
Newcastle United vs. Manchester United
Sports Direct Arena; Sunday, 16:00 GMT/11:00 AM ET
Well, this is the game of the week; a whole bunch of amazing players playing an incredibly outdated style against a whole bunch of slightly less amazing players playing a slightly less outdated style. And yeah, it's still going to be one of the best games you've seen in months.
Pick: Newcastle, 2-1