Has there ever been a weekend in English football as bereft of narrative as this Beyond 'El Sackico', it seems not. Newcastle-Swansea I'm not saying that Fulham-Sunderland was a bad game, but ... I mean, what's the angle here? Fortunately, there's no need for narrative when you have Dimitar Berbatov. He was in action on Sunday, so here's a reminder of his five greatest moments.
5. That Blackburn performance
United's demolition of Blackburn was effectively the Dimitar Berbatov show as he scored five goals, but it's the third that makes it - if ever a goal summed up it's scorer, that is it. First picking up the ball in his own half, he delivers a raking, outside-of-the-boot pass to the wing, putting Nani in a good position for a cross. As his teammates burst their lungs to get into the box, Dimitar doesn't. He ambles. He strolls. He walks. A half-hearted wave of the arms to attract Nani's attention, and he sweeps the cut-back home into the top corner without breaking his casual stride. Perfection.
4. That Leverkusen goal
Berbatov will go down for his work in the Premier League, but this is still his best goal, scored against Roma while at Leverkusen. I'm going to take the same casual attitude to my job that Berbatov does to his here, because words cannot do it justice.
3. That Spurs-Reading game
None of Berbatov's goals in this game were particularly great by his standards, but this showed just how effective he could be as well as the tricks, flicks, and insouciance. In a muck-and-bullets affair that turned out to be a bonkers, end-to-end encounter against Reading, where possession was a forgotten concept, Berbatov bagged himself a hat-trick and ought to have set up a goal for Robbie Keane but for a terrible miss. To complete the exhibition, when Spurs' winning goal courtesy of Jermain Defoe turned out to be shamefully illegitimate, the striker bursting into the area well before Keane had kicked the ball, Dimi stepped up once again to make it 6-4, giving the win some added legitimacy in the process.
2. That assist
Yes, it was against West Ham. Yes, United were winning at the time. Yes, bamboozling James Collins is about as difficult as getting Harry Redknapp to talk about himself. But if you don't think this is a thing of divine beauty - if moments like this are not the exact and precise reason that you go to football games for, the opportunity to see something like this - then there really is no hope for you.
1. That overhead kick
It's a sad state of affairs how long it took me to find an even vaguely presentable video of this on Youtube. You've probably already seen this one, but we end on a slightly sad note here. No other player could score a hat-trick in a 3-2 win against Liverpool, including an overhead kick, and have it so undersung, and be so cruelly unloved by the fans. Clued-up reds will still lament his departure, but if this didn't get his name bellowed long after he left, then United never deserved him.