Ligue 1 2012, Week 34 Preview And Fixtures: If Nostradamus Wasn't A Fraud He'd Have Given Us Some Tips

PARIS, FRANCE - DECEMBER 18: Franck Berria (L) of Lille and Javier Pastore (R) of Paris Saint-Germain battle for the ball during the Ligue 1 match between Paris Saint-Germain FC and LOSC Lille Metropole on December 18, 2011 in Paris, France. (Photo by Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images)

The ridiculous flaming meteor of what-in-gods-name-is-happening-ness that is Ligue 1 goes on, and if you think anything will get less confusing this week then you haven't learned anything in the past eight months. You should probably consult a professional.

This schedule is dumb and I hate it. Yeah, yeah, Coupe de France Final. I get it. I understand this schedule. But it is still dumb, and I still hate it.

Toulouse vs. Montpellier

Friday 4/27; 1:00 PM ET/19:00 CET

If Montpellier wants to be the champion, they have to win this game. Or if not this game, then win other games. You could probably throw some draws in there too. Basically, they have to finish the season with more points than PSG. And all of the other teams, but PSG seems the most viable threat.

Anyways, this is an important game. Toulouse is good at home, Montpellier is not very good away from home and Toulouse does that thing where no one can play or score goals. So if Montpellier wins that's very good news. For them. Not for PSG, and certainly not for Toulouse.

Pick: Draw, 1-1

Lorient vs. Marseille

Friday 4/27; 3:00 PM ET/21:00 CET

Hey, it's the lowest team in the table that almost certainly won't get relegated against the highest team in the table that could still quite easily be relegated! One of them made it to the Champions League quarterfinals! What a silly league.

Pick: Marseille, 2-1

Auxerre vs. Brest

Sunday 4/29; 11:00 AM ET/17:00 CET

If Auxerre manages to lose this one, they're all but relegated. Brest desperately needs a win to pull their heads above water. Drama! Also, this game will be terrible.

Pick: Auxerre, 2-1

Sochaux vs. Bordeaux

Sunday 4/29; 11:00 AM ET/17:00 CET

The month of March was kind to Sochaux. April didn't even begin too badly, and a win over Dijon made it appear as though someone on the staff had actually decided to look at the table. And then they went to Paris and they were absolutely destroyed by a PSG team playing a 4-6-0. They've still got time to claw their way out of the bottom three, but a mushroom-stamping of that magnitude is likely to linger a bit. As for Bordeaux: nothing interesting is going to happen to Bordeaux this season.

Pick: Draw, 2-2

Rennes vs. Ajaccio

Sunday 4/29; 11:00 AM ET/17:00 CET

Rennes is hoping to keep their grasp on a Europa League place with St. Etienne and Toulouse hot on their tail; Ajaccio is looking to avoid falling further into the relegation muck. If it seems as though the Europa League and the relegation battle are being mentioned a lot these days, it's because this league is ridiculous.

Pick: Rennes, 3-2

St. Etienne vs. Dijon

Sunday 4/29; 11:00 AM ET/17:00 CET

See above, flipping "Rennes" and "St. Etienne," "Ajaccio" and "Dijon," and "keep their grasp" and "take hold of."

Pick: St. Etienne, 3-2

Nancy vs. Caen

Sunday 4/29; 11:00 AM ET/17:00 CET

Nancy is all but safe, and Caen could well join them with a win. Both of those facts seem crazy, because each side has spent large portions of the season looking so bad and were close to the top of the list of relegation favorites coming into the year. And the fact that they'll each enter next season (assuming they survive this one) with that same status is kind of depressing when you think about it.

Pick: Draw, 2-2

Valenciennes vs. Nice

Sunday 4/29; 11:00 AM ET/17:00 CET

This is the least important game of the weekend. That's handy, because it will also probably be the worst to watch.

Pick: Draw, 1-1

Lille vs. PSG

Sunday 4/29; 3:00 PM ET/21:00 CET

If Lille wins this game and Montpellier loses theirs, this league will go from being silly and ridiculous to being the final scene of "Carrie."

Pick: Lille, 3-2

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