Ligue 1 2012, Week 31 Preview And Fixtures: PSG Hosts Marseille In A Nominally Important Headliner

DUBAI, UNITED ARAB EMIRATES - JANUARY 04: Javier Pastore of Paris Saint-Germain FC during the Dubai Challenge Cup match between Paris Saint-Germain FC and AC Milan at Al-Rashid Stadium on January 4, 2012 in Dubai, United Arab Emirates. (Photo by Claudio Villa/Getty Images)

In terms of games that actually matter, St. Etienne continues their push for 3rd while Ajaccio clings to safety and Montpellier hope to extend their lead after hosting a woefully disappointing Sochaux.

Ajaccio vs. St. Etienne

Saturday 4/6; 19:00 CET; 1:00 PM ET

This game is a black hole that will eat goals, but the event horizon is going to look just a little bit like Camp Nou.

Pick: St. Etiene, 1-0

Brest vs. Lille

Saturday 4/6; 19:00 CET; 1:00 PM ET

If this match were a game show it would be called Draw, Draw or Draw. And then it would be cancelled, because it would be a really bad game show.

Pick: Draw, 2-2

Dijon vs. Nancy

Saturday 4/6; 19:00 CET; 1:00 PM ET

Goals?

*looks skyward, shakes head*

No goals.

This is a reference to the movie 30 Days of Night, which no one saw, at least while they were sober.

Pick: Draw, 0-0

Evian vs. Rennes

Saturday 4/6; 19:00 CET; 1:00 PM ET

Evian is so much fun. I wish they could make it to Europe, because they'd probably shock the hell out of some really good teams. Not enough to beat anyone eye-opening, but they'd give a scare and maybe catch a big-three side with their pants down in Europa. Rennes is better though, and in a total killjoy sort of way.

Pick: Rennes, 3-2

Montpellier vs. Sochaux

Saturday 4/6; 19:00 CET; 1:00 PM ET

Oh my god oh my god oh my god don't mess up oh my god oh my god oh my god.

Pick: Montpellier, 3-1

Valenciennes vs. Toulouse

Saturday 4/6; 19:00 CET; 1:00 PM ET

Midfield battle blah blah blah a goal prevented is as good as a goal scored blah blah blah draw a bath and get me a toaster blah blah blah.

Pick: Toulouse, 1-0

Lyon vs. Auxerre

Saturday 4/6; 21:00 CET; 3:00 PM ET

Dear Auxerre,

You are going to be relegated. It is going to be totally humiliating. You should probably hire a really famous but barely relevant manager that also happens to be an unappreciated genius, like, tomorrow.

Sincerely,

The Snickering Hordes

Caen vs. Bordeaux

Sunday 4/7; 17:00 CET; 11:00 AM ET

Caen finally managed to slip into the relegation zone. If you don't find that sad, you're either pragmatic to a fault or you're a total doucheballoon.

Pick: Bordeaux, 2-1

Nice vs. Lorient

Saturday 4/7; 17:00 CET; 11:00 AM ET

These are the games that people watch where they hear the commentators talking about "tactics" with a sneer in their voice and never want to see anything but 4-2-4 ever agin because they've been so woefully misled.

Pick: Draw, 1-1

PSG vs. Marseille

Saturday 4/6; 21:00 CET; 3:00 PM ET

This game would have been so promising two months ago. Now, unless you're a massive French football fan with an unhealthy appreciation for tradition, it looks like a big steaming pile of garbage. Have fun.

Pick: PSG, 1-0

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