Premier League 2012, Week 38 Preview And Fixtures: Manchester [Redacted] Wins The League!

MANCHESTER ENGLAND - FEBRUARY 12: Wayne Rooney of Manchester United is tackled by Vincent Kompany of Manchester City during the Barclays Premier League match between Manchester United and Manchester City at Old Trafford on February 12 2011 in Manchester England. (Photo by Alex Livesey/Getty Images)

It's the final week of the Premier League season, and there's still everything to be decided; the title could go either way, three teams are in the mix for Europe and the Championship's schedule-makers are waiting with baited breath.

OH MY GOD, SURVIVAL SUNDAY THIS WILL BE AMAZING YOU GU-oh. It's just the two teams, then. Bad move by FOX to go all in on the one battle that's the least intriguing. But honestly, who could have seen FOX making the wrong move?

Chelsea vs. Blackburn Rovers

Sunday, 5/13; 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET

I'm half expecting the away half to be full of chickens wearing capes. Ok, not expecting. Hoping. YOU GUYS. CHICKENS WEARING CAPES. THOUSANDS.

Also, nothing Chelsea does matters until next weekend.

Pick: Chelsea, 3-0

Everton vs. Newcastle United

Sunday, 5/13; 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET

It's going to be tough for Newcastle to slip into the Champions League no matter what, but it's never going to happen without a win here. Everton's only incentive is to finish above Liverpool. And now that I've gone a written things out like that, I'm not sure who has more to play for.

Pick: Draw, 2-2

Manchester City vs. Queens Park Rangers

Sunday, 5/13; 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET

This is the most important game of the day. I just traveled back in time 15 years and told a guy that and he drank an entire bottle of Drano. It was pretty gruesome. Then I went back five minutes earlier and stopped myself. Now Exeter City are in the Champions League final. I think I messed up pretty bad you guys

Pick: City, 4-1

Norwich City vs. Aston Villa

Sunday, 5/13; 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET

Congratulations Aston Villa, you've secured another year in the Premier League! Your reward is another year of Alex McLeish.

No, you cannot lose games in retrospect.

Pick: Norwich, 2-0

Stoke City vs. Bolton Wanderers

Sunday, 5/13; 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET

It just really doesn't feel like Bolton could go down, does it? Every story we remember that in any way mirrors theirs ends up with the protagonist coming out on top. But that's because we only remember stories that don't totally suck and make us sad.

Pick: Bolton, 1-0

Sunderland vs. Manchester United

Sunday, 5/13; 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET

If this game is decided by the play of six Manchester United wingers, it will have all been worth it. (Assuming they score ten goals or so.)

Pick: United, 2-0

Swansea City vs. Liverpool

Sunday, 5/13; 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET

Liverpool is already going to be playing in the Europa League, but it would totally justify the hundreds of millions of pounds they've spent if they can manage to qualify through league position. Great job, King Kenny.

Pick: Draw, 1-1

Tottenham Hotspur vs. Fulham

Sunday, 5/13; 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET

If Spurs win and/or draw and/or otherwise end up in 4th but Chelsea manages to win the Champions League it will be the greatest troll in the history of English football. Or at the very least football in London.

West Bromwich Albion vs. Arsenal

Sunday, 5/13; 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET

Arsenal could still end up in the Europa League. Neat! They won't though, but still; neat!

Pick: Arsenal, 3-1

Wigan Athletic vs. Wolverhampton Wanderers

Sunday, 5/13; 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET

The betting lines on this game are used by intervention counselors to estimate the "Problem Gambler" portion of their business over the course of the upcoming fiscal year.

Pick: Oh who cares

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