The Czech Republic are Ulysses GRANT. Probably don't really deserve to be here, play like a bunch of incompetent drunks most of the time. In their rare moments of collective sobriety they're not so bad.
Greece are William Henry HARRISON. Very dead, very fast.
Poland are Jimmy CARTER. Well regarded, cool, intelligent, have never really done anything and presumably never will.
Russia are Andrew JACKSON. A life of hardship on the frontier has turned them into brutal, badass killing machines. Except for Aleksandr Kerzhakov, for some reason. They should have beaten him more as a child. Remember kids: In Soviet Russia, hickory olds you.
Denmark are James K. POLK. Unfancied at the beginning, it's obvious that Denmark are a much more competent outfit than people realised. Knew what they needed to do, did it, and now the Group of Death is going to give them cholera.
Germany are Thomas JEFFERSON. Nobody agrees quite how good they are, but everyone's pretty sure that they're really, really good. Like Jefferson, they should probably replace an injured Bastian Schweinsteiger.
The Netherlands are Harry TRUMAN. Everyone says they're great, but that's only because they're scared that the Dutch will retaliate with the nuclear option of having Nigel de Jong kick you in the face.
Croatia are John ADAMS. Pretty good, I suppose, but everyone wants to believe that they're great. Problem is, nobody can really remember anything awesome they've done except beat England ages ago. Fathered Luka Modric, who, hopefully, will someday become President.
Ireland are Millard FILLMORE. I forgot they were even here for ages. Sorry, Ireland!
Italy are Richard NIXON. [Redacted]
Spain are William Howard TAFT. They've got far, far too much going on in the middle.
England are James MONROE. Really would prefer it if the rest of the world went away and left them alone. Failing that, will pretend it's true anyway.
France are James MADISON. Generally very good, but perhaps remembered most for earlier glories. They regret not doing more in a low-key, inconclusive war against England.
Sweden are Herbert HOOVER. Good ideas, abysmal timing and execution. Zlatan Ibrahimovic is a big believer in the Efficiency Movement, which should totally be a two-piece band featuring him and Dimitar Berbatov.
Ukraine are John F. KENNEDY. Andriy Shevchenko is a beautiful, beautiful man. JFK was a beautiful, beautiful man. Science!
Belgium are Alexander HAMILTON. Not really supposed to be on this list but too awesome not to mention.