Drunk German Soccer Fans Present Strong Case For 'Parallel Parking' As Olympic Event

My favorite video of this young week comes from Deadspin. Here we have a woman attempting to parallel-park her too-large car into a too-small spot. Although she does roll over the curb, which violates International Competitive Parallel-Parking Authority standards, she eventually executes a near-perfect parking job. And she couldn't have done it without a gaggle of drunk German soccer fans cheering her on:

Here's a thought: in 1912, the ancient pentathlon was overhauled. Among other things, the discus throw was ditched in favor of shooting, and the "modern pentathlon" event was born. That was 100 years ago. We need a "super modern for real this time pentathlon" to reflect the physical rigors of contemporary living, and these are the five events I propose:

  1. Parallel parking.
  2. Long-distance bascart return. The goal is to shove a grocery cart into a cart corral from the furthest possible distance. In the cart sits the coxswain, who yells instructions but frankly doesn't accomplish much of anything.
  3. Effectively holding a conversation in an overcrowded kitschy Irish bar in which the music is turned up way too loud, and as a result, everyone has to scream into each other's ears to talk to one another. The winner is the first person to realize that this is a shitty horrible time, and make his/her way to a cash-only dive bar that sells cans of Stroh's for $1.25.
  4. Audio/video connection. Competitors must wire an entire home-theater system without moving the TV or re-arranging any furniture. The winner will be the one to demonstrate most convincingly his/her ability to, "just kinda... gotta get in there... weird angle... eh, I don't give a shit about S-Video, I'll just leave that one hanging off... ah dammit, i guarantee there's some big-ass spider back here. "
  5. Endurance phoning. Competitors begin with their phones fully-charged, and must keep them from going dead by periodically charging them with a hand-crank dynamo. Said hand-crank sits atop an Aggro-Crag-esque structure, and competitors fight to wrest control over it. This event has an additional dimension: the athlete is eliminated if his/her cell phone is disconnected due to non-payment. Athletes must spend their battery life to call up the cell phone company, make delayed payment arrangements, and generally just lie their asses off.
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