Wait, there are actual games this weekend? I thought the season was over once the transfer window closed. So we've got how many more months of this? Wow.
West Ham vs. Fulham
Upton Park; Saturday, 12:45 GMT/7:45 AM ET
So Andy Carroll has been reunited with Sam Allardyce. This is a match made, if not in heaven, certainly on OK Cupid or something like that. Now I find myself genuinely curious what Sam Allardyce's OK Cupid profile looks like.
And now I have no interest in eating ever again.
Pick: Draw, 1-1
Liberty Stadium; Saturday, 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET
Welsh juggernauts Swansea look to take back their rightful place at the top of the Premier League table from those young upstarts from London against a Sunderland side that will likely be in the 8-1-1 formation they tend to play away from home. Martin O'Neill refers to this formation as "the berm." Well, he probably doesn't. But imagine him saying "berm" in that accent and tell me you aren't going to pretend that he does from now on.
Pick: Swansea, 2-1
White Hart Lane; Saturday, 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET
Pretty much every move that Spurs attempted to make over the last few days of the transfer window blew up completely. That's only funny until you remember that Andre Villas-Boas is a crazy person. He's started blaming the golden cocekrel on top of the stadium. It was funny at first because everyone thought he was joking but now it's just getting awkward and sad.
Pick: Spurs, 3-0
The Hawthorns; Saturday, 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET
Marouane Fellaininho and Everton take their tour of death and destruction to the Hawthorns this week. West Brom is another club that's looked surprisingly good through the first two games, but Everton has been on a completely different level. Could this be the year they break into the top four? No, probably not. But they'll sure make a bunch of money on the transfer market next summer!
Pick: Everton, 2-0
DW Stadium; Saturday, 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET
So you could watch this game or you could watch the even better version that's happening at exactly the same time over in Swansea. Unless you've got a big thing for US National Team players, I think you're choice is pretty clear.
Pick: Draw, 2-2
Manchester City vs. QPR
Etihad Stadium; Saturday, 17:30 GMT/12:30 PM ET
For my own amusement, I'm going to assume Sheikh Mansour has invited Tony Fernandes and Lakshmi Mittal into his private box for this game, and he's going to spend the entire day being a totally patronizing jerk. "My, you've certainly flashed the cash this month! And such big players! Well, they were a few years ago, but good for you!" And they're just gonna' have to sit there and take it because that's how it works with rich dudes.
Pick: City, 4-1
Anfield; 13:30 GMT/8:30 AM ET
This is the big game of the weekend. For some reason. "Will Arsenal manage to score a goal this time? Can Liverpool avoid looking like complete idiots for once? Get up early on your day off to find out!"
Pick: Draw, 1-1
Newcastle vs. Aston Villa
SportsDirect Arena; 16:00 GMT/11:00 AM ET
This is a big day for Paul Lambert's new look Villa side; a trip to Newcastle is always exciting, and Uncle Randy told everyone he's taking them to buy their first razors after the game. They grow up so fast, don't they?
Pick: Newcastle, 3-0
St. Mary's Arena; 16:00 GMT/11:00 AM ET
Sometimes, a club is promoted and from the first day of the season you just get the sense that they'll be sticking around for awhile. And sometimes, Southampton gets promoted. But hey, at least you've got the home field advantage in this one guys.
Pick: United, 4-0