Premier League 2012, Week 5 Preview And Fixtures: Liverpool Plays United, Let's Take The Week Off

LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND - MARCH 06: Luis Suarez and Martin Skrtel (L) of Liverpool challenge Chris Smalling of Manchester United during the Barclays Premier League match between Liverpool and Manchester United at Anfield on March 6, 2011 in Liverpool, England. (Photo by Alex Livesey/Getty Images)

England's greatest rivalries are wonderful and worth celebrating. Until they're not. Hopefully, Liverpool and Manchester United will side towards the former this weekend.

The fact that many of the questions surrounding the Hillsborough Disaster have been put to rest is an undeniably positive thing, but attention-obsessed pundits will somehow try to craft narratives out of this weekend's biggest match and a small minority of people will likely fall right into their trap and ugh, you guys, I just wanna watch some guys kick a ball towards a net and stuff.

Swansea City vs. Everton

Liberty Stadium; Saturday, 12:45 GMT/7:45 AM ET

Well, these sides both play some lovely football, but they'll need to do more than that if they wish to prevail over their opponents, who play lovely football. Or something or other. I promise that makes sense?

Pick: Draw, 2-2

Chelsea vs. Stoke City

Stamford Bridge; Saturday, 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET

I genuinely want to see Chelsea play the same kind of game against Stoke that they played against Barcelona and Bayern Munich. The recursive loops of indignation would be so amazing,

Pick: Chelsea, 3-1

Southampton vs. Aston Villa

St. Mary's Stadium; Saturday, 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET

Hey, Aston Villa has played one game of non-terrible football! They should win all of the medals. And all of the trophies.

Pick: Villa, 2-1

West Bromwich Albion vs. Reading

The Hawthorns; Saturday, 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET

West Brom has been pretty great so far this season, while Reading has earned only a point. There's no reason the expect that the Baggies will do anything to harm this narrative, which is going to be annoying for a week or two.

Pick: West Brom, 4-2

West Ham United vs. Sunderland

The Boleyn Ground; Saturday, 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET

Sam Allardyce. Martin O'Neill. Oh god. This is just going to be the worst kind of awful. Please, watch any other game. Not one single thing will be worth any segment of your attention.

Pick: Draw, 0-0

Wigan Athletic vs. Fulham

The DW Stadium; Saturday, 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET

Hey guys, let's pay a bunch of attention to small sample sizes and how they relate to this game. Okay! Conclusion: this game will probably be both terrible (objectively!) and wonderful (subjectively!) so let's watch it. It will be great!

Fulham, 4-3

Liverpool vs. Manchester United

Anfield; Sunday, 13:30 GMT/ 8:30 AM ET

Great clubs, awful circumstances. Hope for the best, please be reasonable about the worst.

Pick: United, 2-1

Newcastle vs. Norwich City

St. James's Park; Sunday, 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET

So is Newcastle still good? I dunno, man. They have some guys with French sounding names, which seems legit. And a couple of strikers with big feet for a good man, or whatever. And they almost made it to the Champions League last season. But they've been less than amazing through four games, so let's assume they are bad, Seems reasonable.

Pick: Newcastle, 4-1

Manchester City vs. Arsenal

Etihad Stadium; Sunday, 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET

I've played this game like 20 times on the FIFA 13 demo and based on my findings Andrei Arshavin will score a brace for Arsenal. Video games are so great.

Pick: City, 3-2

Tottenham Hotspur vs. Queens Park Rangers

White Hart Lane; Sunday, 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET

Well hello there, London Derby. This seems like it will be a competitive match because even though Spurs are way better, QPR beat Spurs a few times in like the 60s or something. So hey man, this stuff will be crazy!

No, but seriously, Spurs will win and probably by a lot.

Pick: Spurs, 3-1

While you're here, we preview the Northwest Derby in video form!

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