Colorado Rapids vs. Portland Timbers: Final score 2-2, They called that soccer?

Isaiah J. Downing-USA TODAY Sports

The Rapids and Timbers both got a point, but each being deducted a point would have been fairer.

The Colorado Rapids and Portland Timbers set out to prove on Saturday that just because a match has goals doesn't make it good. MIssion accomplished.

For 90 minutes the Rapids and Timbers kicked each other, fell over a lot, flailed around and did pretty much everything that you're not supposed to do in soccer. It was abysmal and neither team deserved to win, so a 2-2 draw proved fair enough. Unfortunately, the teams couldn't be deducted a point instead of earning a point apiece.

The lone actual soccer moment of the match was a brilliant one, and it came from Dillon Powers. The 22-year-old hit an absolute screamer from 20 yards, finding the far post and putting the Rapids in front after 18 minutes. It was an incredible shot, and gave hope to the half-full Dicks Sporting Goods Park that the match may pick up — but it never did.

Colorado followed that up by having four players fall down on one attack, a sequence that concluded with Edson Buddle crawling on his knees and hitting the ball with his hands. Tony Cascio took a shot not long after, but it missed the frame by about 20 yards, and Buddle followed that up by completely whiffing on an attempted shot. All the while, Rapids manager Oscar Pareja wore jeans and a track jacket on the touchline. It was an abomination for the home side.

And as incompetent as the Rapids were, they were in control of the match. The Timbers somehow managed to be worse.

Hendry Thomas added to the Colorado lead in the 48th minute from the penalty spot. Diego Chara was judged to have taken down Tony Cascio (which he may have, because the replays were unclear, but it was such an awkward fall the ugly theme continued) and Thomas calmly slotted home the penalty.

Will Johnson single-handedly brought the Timbers back, rising to head home a cross then adding a penalty kick of his own as Portland came from behind to snatch a point away. But while Johnson was doing that, players were nutmegging themselves, crosses were being sent into the fifth row and 22 players tried to ruin the sport.

May we never speak of this match again.

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