MLS 2013, Week 14 preview and fixtures: It's a mean MLS world

USA TODAY Sports

Sometimes MLS can be quite mean.

It's like I have ESPN or something. My breasts can always tell when it's going to rain. Well... they can tell when it's raining.

Toronto FC vs. Philadelphia Union

Saturday, 6 p.m. ET - MLS Live

Do you wish you had help, Jack McInerney? It could be worse. You could play for Toronto.

Pick: Philadelphia, 2-0.

New York Red Bulls vs. Vancouver Whitecaps

Saturday, 7 p.m. ET - MLS Live

The Whitecaps doomed themselves by blowing things up last summer. At least the Red Bulls make it interesting and find new, creative ways to implode every year.

Pick: New York, 3-1.

Columbus Crew vs. Houston Dynamo

Saturday, 7:30 p.m. - MLS Live

The Crew just exist, but in a bad way. The Dynamo also kind of just exist, but in a good way because come November, they'll continue to be there when few else are.

Pick: Draw, 1-1.

Sporting Kansas City vs. Montreal Impact

Saturday, 8:30 p.m. ET - MLS Live

If Sporting Park gets to be called Blue Hell then the Impact should be able to call themselves some sort of menacing blue something or other because their team is a hell of a lot more intimidating than the lovable drunks in the Cauldron.

Pick: Draw, 2-2.

Colorado Rapids vs. FC Dallas

Saturday, 9 p.m. ET - MLS Live

The "Is Dallas Legit?" roadshow continues in Colorado. Hint: They are.

Pick: Dallas, 2-1.

Real Salt Lake vs. San Jose Earthquakes

Saturday, 9:30 p.m. ET - MLS Live

Are the Quakes for Real? (You see what I did there?!)

Pick: Draw, 1-1.

Chivas USA vs. Seattle Sounders

Saturday, 10:30 p.m. ET - MLS Live

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Pick: Seattle, begrudingly.

New England Revolution vs. LA Galaxy

Saturday, 4:30 p.m. ET - NBC Sports Network

Bob Kraft will sit in his suite and stare at the picture of David Beckham playing at a Gillette Stadium with more than a dozen fans in the stands. He may shed a tear.

Pick: LA, 2-1.

Chicago Fire vs. D.C. United

Saturday, 5 p.m. ET - UniMas

Can Chicago light United on fire?

Pick: Chicago, 2-0.

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