Canada vs. Martinique: Final score 0-1, Little Martinique stun hapless Canada

USA TODAY Sports

A stoppage time stunner earned Martinique a deserved win over an impossibly bad Canada team.

Canada tried to run. They couldn't.

Canada tried to pass the ball. They couldn't.

Canada tried to defend. They couldn't.

Canada tried to look like a real team made up of professional soccer players. Lol.

And since Canada could not do anything that resembled real adults trying to kick the ball to each other and into the opposing net, Martinique decided that they would take over the role of competent soccer team. They passed the ball to players in similarly colored shirts, impeding the other team's advances with the ball and kicked the ball in the general direction of the goal. It was downright revolutionary.

In stoppage time, Fabrice Reuperné did something Canada must have thought illegal -- he kicked the ball in the goal. It wasn't just any goal either. Reuperné hit an absolute rocket on his first top from 25 yards, scorching the net and earning Martinique -- a team that is not even recognized as an official member of FIFA -- a deserved 1-0.

And that is how the Gold Cup began. Martinique are deserved, if unexpected winners, and Canada are getting clarification on what sport they are playing.

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