An extremely important scientific venture has established, once and for all, which of the many thousands of football chants is officially the funniest. Taking the coveted No. 1 spot was this, from 2003:
His name is Rio and he watches from the stand
... as sung by West Ham fans to the Duran Duran tune, after Rio Ferdinand was banned for missing a drug test.
Which is okay: topical at the time, a decent tune, quite funny. Though it's a mystery how it finished higher than the sixth-placed chant: "Deep fry your pizzas, we're gonna deep fry your pizzas," as sung in 2007 by Scotland fans to their Italian counterparts. As for the fifth place chant — Manchester United fans: "His teeth are offside. His teeth are offisde. Luis Suarez, his teeth are offside." — it should have been disqualified immediately on the basis that Sloop John B is a pox on football.
Some, though, are missing. Disappointingly, there's no room for Sunderland's "He's a keeper/ A Belgian keeper/ Simon Mignolet ... a-Mignolet, a-Mignolet, a-Mignolet, a-Mignolet." Also notable by its absence is the very cruel, very funny "Your Dad's ashamed of you," which various fans up and down the country address to Peterborough manager Darren Ferguson, the less successful son of the more famous Alex. No place for Liverpool's "Blame It On Traore", or Dulwich Hamlet's "Edgar Kail in my heart," or the Stoke City Bread Song: "Bread! Bread! Who will buy my bread? Long ones, short ones, some as big as my head."
Or this, from Notts County. "I had a wheelbarrow ... the wheel fell off. I had a wheelbarrow ... the wheel fell off."
Possible explanation here.