Jan 17, 2011 - Good morning, ugly Americans, and welcome to the Australian Open, a sporty yearly event that will occupy the wee hours of the next fortnight and serve as a welcome distraction from the bizarro sideshow of the NFL playoffs. The following is an occasionally irresponsibly hyperbolic preview of 20-odd players whose names you'll hear a lot over the next couple weeks, arranged from most to least likable to the uninitiated fan based on a complicated metric of actual win probability, recent Grand Slam play and ease of pithy talking points to drop to make you sound fancier at parties.
1. Lleyton Hewitt (Australia)
Seed: N/A
The case for: An Aussie! Adelaide native Hewitt is a crowd favorite, thanks to bringing his own band of hollering hooligans to cheer him on wherever he goes. Should receive raucous support from the home audience here. The discerning forehead-beer-can-crusher's choice.
The case against: Could lose to David Nalbandian in his first-round match and no one would really bat an eye. Again, has only made it to the finals once here on his native turf. Turns 30 next month, which is the worst thing that can happen to a tennis player, like, ever.
2. Andy Roddick (USA)
Seed: 8
The case for: U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! Has a strong history here, with four appearances in the semis. Already sailed through his first-round match with a straight-sets defeat of Jan Hajek. Social media savvy.
The case against: Highly prone to spectacular meltdowns, like most tennis bros, though his are usually good television.
3. Kim Clijsters (Belgium)
Seed: 3
The case for: Relatively fresh off a U.S. Open win. Married to a former Villanova basketball player, which makes her, like, half American. All-around classy dame.
The case against: Hasn't made the finals here since '04.
4. Novak Djokovic (Serbia)
Seed: 3
The case for: Explosive of arm, of leg, and of mouth. Pioneer of underwater tennis. The more matches he wins, the more wacky postgame interviews we get to see, the appeal of which cannot be overstated.
The case against: Hasn't played a tourney match in 2011.
5. Roger Federer (Switzerland)
Seed: 2
The case for: Amazing hair. Defending champ. Cute wife and adorable twin daughters. Four Aussie Open wins in his hip pocket. Won the ATP World Tour title to close out 2010. Is handy with, how you say, the trick shots.
The case against: Also turning 30 this year; quel horreur!
6. Caroline Wozniacki (Denmark)
Seed: 1
The case for: World No. 1. Has gorgeous new Stella McCartney getup for the tourney, if you're into that sort of thing.
The case against: Has never won a major; has faltered in early 2011 play.
7. John Isner (USA)
Seed: 20
The case for: A homegrown North Carolina boy and UGA alum (SEC! SEC!), Isner rocketed to fame with 2010's summer smash hit, Wimbledon-and-on-and-on.
The case against: Has never made it to the quarterfinals of any major in singles play.
8. Robin Söderling (Sweden)
Seed: 4
The case for: His name has an umlaut, and he may be an actual crazy person. Before the U.S. Open, we told viewers, "If you enjoy the yeehaw craziness of an oil man but find Jerry Jones too effete for your tastes, look no further. Has a marked habit of showing up to major tournaments looking like a homeless, Viking Grizzly Adams." None of this has changed.
The case against: Is really not good at playing tennis in Australia, having never made it past the second round. Demeanor may attract bears.
9. Gael Monfils (France)
Seed: 12
The case for: Wildly entertaining player to watch, surpassed in flingy, fluttery style perhaps only by Djokovic.
The case against: Has never made it even to the quarters Down Under.
10. Andy Murray (United Kingdom)
Seed: 5
The case for: Has never won a major, but came closest here just last year, where he lost in the finals to Roger Federer. Has the hope of a beleaguered nation pinned on him every year at Wimbledon, so you have to feel for him.
The case against: Do Michael Cera/Jesse Eisenberg movies with a put-upon, soft-spoken lead make you cringe? This is that guy, only he's a professional athlete who makes more money than you'll ever see in a lifetime.
11. Justine Henin (Belgium)
Seed: 13
The case for: Killer backhand. A safe choice for those wanting a quality rooting interest but think Wozniacki is too newfangled. Won here in 2004; has been runner-up twice since, most recently last year, in her second tournament of the season following a brief retirement. Good pick if you like your comebacks to be class acts.
The case against: The women's equivalent of cheering for Nadal, though she's immeasurably more likable. If you're new to the sport, perhaps better to pick a dark horse candidate.
12. Venus Williams (USA)
Seed: 5
The case for: American. Is Venus Williams. Surpassing gorgeousness in all things. Seven singles Grand Slam victories; twelve doubles. Would think nothing of showing up for a match dressed as the Sydney Opera House.
The case against: Has only cracked the finals here once, in 2003. Not prone to threatening the lives of tournament officials on international television, which may make her less of a draw for ultraviolent American audiences than her notorious sister.
13. Mardy Fish (USA)
Seed: 17
The case for: Amurikan! Lasted longer than any of his countrymen at the U.S. Open, which nobody saw coming.
The case against: Pinned in Federer's quarter, there's not a very great chance of him advancing to a crucial round.
14. Nicolas Mahut (France)
Seed: N/A
The case for: Looks amazing in a dress. Celebrating a birthday this Friday!
The case against: Has never cracked the third round of the Aussie Open. Is already through to the second round, but will have to face Djokovic in the third if he makes it past No. 29 Viktor Troicki.
15. Melanie Oudin (USA)
Seed: N/A
The case for: The shoes! Squee! Another Georgia product for Ess-Eee-Cee audiences to absorb as their own.
The case against: Name will never be pronounced correctly by American audiences. Has sortakinda run out of all that hype she built up with deep '09 runs at Wimbledon and the U.S. Open. Highly primed for a fast flameout.
16. Samantha Stosur (Australia)
Seed: 6
The case for: Want to be that guy/girl with the feigned hometown rooting interest in all major tourneys? Here's your girl. Brisbane native Stosur will be the highest-ranked Aussie competing in 2011.
The case against: Has never made it past the fourth round in this competition.
17. Fernando Verdasco (Spain)
Seed: 9
The case for: Do you enjoy saying, of your favorite beers and bands, "It's pretty obscure; you've probably never heard of it," in a lofty tone? Here's your guy. Bring up his fantastic tiebreaker shot at Flushing Meadows last summer and you'll look like a fancy person!
The case against: Dwells eternally in the shadow of his countryman Nadal.
18. Jo-Wilfried Tsonga (France)
Seed: 13
The case for: Has our favorite name in tennis. Built like he ought to be playing tight end on our side of the pond. Finalist in '08. Hanging out in the Soderling quarter.
The case against: Recently hampered by injury.
19. Maria Sharapova (Russia)
Seed: 16
The case for: Knows how to win Down Under; took home the title in '08. Is pretty, blonde, and Russian, which people seem to enjoy.
The case against: Do you hate Peyton Manning? You probably hate Maria Sharapova thanks to her media saturation, and probably don't even know it. Also, grunty.
20. Rafael Nadal (Spain)
Seed: 1
The case for: Do you like winning? Are you a Yankees fan? Enjoy bandwagons? Rafa's the guy for you. His last appearance in a major saw him win the U.S. Open and secure his career Grand Slam. Won the 2009 tournament, and has a cruise of a quarter draw in 2011.
The case against: Where's the fun in a sure thing? Also, it is a matter of editorial policy in this space to criticize his choice of hair and pants. Deal with it.
Stay tuned to SB Nation Tennis and The Daily Forehand for more Australian Open coverage and analysis.
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