SB Nation User Blog: 0157H7

Top Moments '09: No 2. - Rumble in the Fens

0157H7 — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 14:36:04 -0000

More photos » by Charles Krupa - AP

7 months ago: Cleveland Indians left fielder David Dellucci looks down at his glove during the sixth inning, in which the Boston Red Sox scored 12 runs during a baseball game at Fenway Park in Boston, Thursday, May 7, 2009. The Red Sox tied a modern major league record by scoring 12 runs in an inning before making an out. (AP Photo/Charles Krupa)

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When Tim Wakefield is pitching, you never know what's going to happen. He can be cruising, mowing down batters with a dancing knuckleball, and then lose everything - giving up multiple runs in seconds. But on May 7, Tim Wakefield, Man of Mystery,* did not supply the surprises against the Cleveland Indians.

The game started innocently enough. The Red Sox put a quick run on the board when Julio Lugo** led off against lefty Jeremy Sowers with an uncharacteristic triple and scored on Dustin Pedroia's single. Meanwhile, Wake pitched well through the first three innings, but ran into trouble in the fourth and fifth frames. He loaded the bases in the 4th, but squirmed out without allowing a run; unfortunately, his luck didn't last in the 5th, where Cleveland got 2 hits, a passed ball, a hit-by-pitch, a sac fly and a wild pitch. If not for a clutch double play, Wake could have easily been touched for much more than 2 runs.

After the 1st, Sox bats were largely silenced by Sowers, and the bottom of the 5th inning was no different. Wake recovered in the 6th, to preserve the 1-run differential, and the Sox came on to bat. Who better to lead off than our trusty #1 hitter, Julio Lugo? Well, in this case, Lugo was the right man for the job, lining a single through the infield, and Pedroia kept the pressure up by drawing a walk. That put two on for Jason Bay, who promptly doubled to deep left-center, plating Lugo. Tie game. [Click Continue Reading for more]

With Pedroia at 3rd, Bay at 2nd, and no outs, Indians Manager Eric Wedge decided to make a bold move. He instructed the shaken Jeremy Sowers to intentionally walk Mike Lowell, who hits well against lefties. That brought up Rocco Baldelli who ~~hits well against~~ only hits lefties. With the bases loaded, Rocco lined a single to deep center-left, driving in Pedroia and Bay. 4-2 Sox. Sowers couldn't retire JD Drew, and walked him, and Wedge went to the pen.

On came Kobayashi. (No, not the competitive eater. Not the Star Trek simulation. Both of those probably would have been better options for Cleveland.) Masahide Kobayashi turned a poor inning into one of legend, allowing five straight hits and six runs without recording a single out. And this was against the bottom of the Sox lineup; Jeff Bailey, Nick Green, George Kottaras, the 7, 8 and 9 men, all recorded hits against the righty from Japan. Predictably, the top of the order, Lugo and Pedroia pounded out two more hits. With the Indians down 10-2, men on 1st and 2nd, and Jason Bay on deck, Wedge turned to another reliever, Matt Herges.

Bay greeted the new guy with a hearty 3-run home run to deep right center. Sure, Herges settled down to record the next three outs, but Boston had already put up 12 runs without incurring a single out. Wake went on to win the game, pitching 6 innings of 2-run ball, and the pen pitched well enough to hold the score at 13-3, but it scarcely mattered. The psychological blow of 12 unanswered, unstoppable runs, was too much.

While 2009 may have ended in playoff disaster, it was one heck of a ride to get there. In a disappointing season, gems like the May 7 bash, and Moment #1, shine through the October muck. They remind us of the excitement of baseball, of the promise and potential that rests within each player, from the most talented (Bay, Pedroia) to the least (Lugo and his three hits). Every moment is full of possibility, every player can help hang a crooked number on the scoreboard, and every fan can witness a miracle.

Happy holidays.

Links:
OTM Gamethread
Game Stats on Baseball-Reference.com

* Or, if your name is NG, "Man of Misery."
** BTW, I love Nuthinaboutnuthin's reaction to Lugo's presence in the Sox lineup.

Report: Red Sox Acquire Bay, Holliday, Marlins

0157H7 — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 16:26:18 -0000

More photos » by Elise Amendola - AP

Boston Red Sox general manager Theo Epstein, right, discussing his dastardly schemes of world domination. (AP Photo/Elise Amendola; Caption by E.Coli)

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Boston, MA (OTM) - In a shocking move, earlier today Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein announced the signings of Jason Bay, Matt Holliday and the Florida Marlins.

In a press conference beamed from his secret volcano lair, Epstein spoke to reporters.

"With these acquisitions, the Red Sox are in an excellent position to compete for the 2010 World Series," Epstein declared, gently stroking his white Persian cat. "I am confident that we have improved our team over both the short-term and long-term, and that these deals will continue to pay dividends."

"Mwhahahahahahahaha!" Epstein added.

Holliday and Bay were the top free agent left fielders, joining new Red Sox Marco Scutaro and John Lackey. The Florida Marlins are the lowest-payroll team in baseball, featuring such stars as Hanley Ramirez, Josh Johnson and Dan Uggla.

"Together with Theo and his compatriots in SOXTER (Special Office for Xtreme Takeovers and Evil Reorganizations), we saw the Marlins as a vulnerable and underutilized asset," said Red Sox President Larry Lucchino. "It made too much sense to buy them out. We're just waiting for the Commissioner's signature to authorize the deal."

The videoconference turned to another room, where MLB Commissioner Bud Selig was strapped to a table.

"I suppose you expect me to talk," said Selig, as Epstein's high-powered laser bore down on him.

"No, Mr. Selig, I expect you to sign," said newly appointed Sox executive, Shaughnessyfinger.

The acquisition of the Marlins included the entire team administration, roster, farm system, stadium, and all six of the team's season ticket holders. Residents of Florida were surprised by the deal.

"We had a baseball team?" said Rob Jones, a passionate Florida sports fan. "Is that kind of like a cross between football and basketball?"

The massive deal was financed creatively.

"Now pay attention, 0157!" Red Sox principal owner John Henry announced to this reporter. "You see this $500 million contract for a new stadium, between the City of New York and the New York Yankees? Simply by pulling this lever, the words 'New York Yankees' are replaced by 'Boston Red Sox,' and the words 'new stadium' are replaced by 'Global Domination.' "

"Don't touch that!" Henry added, pointing at his corn-stalk shaped car, made entirely out of agricultural products. "That's my investment vehicle..."

Player reaction in the newly merged Sox-Marlins clubhouses was decidedly mixed.

Asked about the prospect of joining the Red Sox, Marlins shortstop Hanley Ramirez responded seriously, "When I left them I was but the Learner - now I am the Master."

Beckett - Josh Beckett - a former Marlin himself, summed up the discomfiting effect of the deal on his teammates: they were "shaken, not stirred."

Poll

Are the Red Sox the New Evil Empire?

Lust for the Lackeyluster (or: How I Learned to Start Worrying, and Hate the Deal)

0157H7 — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 14:20:27 -0000

More photos » by Mark J. Terrill - AP

10 days ago: FILE- In this Oct. 22, 2009 photo, Los Angeles Angels' John Lackey throws during the first inning of Game 5 of the American League Championship baseball series against the New York Yankees in Anaheim, Calif. Lackey and the Boston Red Sox have reached a tentative agreement on a five-year contract, according to media reports. Lackey, the top pitcher on the free-agent market after eight seasons with the Angels, was in Boston for a physical on Monday, Dec. 14, 2009, according to reports. His addition would give the Red Sox a strong rotation that includes Josh Beckett and Jon Lester. (AP Photo/Mark J. Terrill)

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If you're a Red Sox fan, it's hard not to like Theo Epstein. Sure, maybe not all his deals pan out, but how critical can you be of the man who led the Sox to two World Series titles. For Theophiles, there's a tendency to look at every deal as a brilliant coup. Which is why I'm looking at the Lackey deal, and the proposed trades that might result from it, very closely.

Signing Lackey is an exciting move - he's the best free agent starter on the market, and getting him makes our rotation more intimidating for 2010. And yet, I HATE this deal.

Let's be clear about this: Lackey is good, not great. His career FIP is 3.83; by comparison, Beckett's is 3.61, Sabathia's is 3.59, and Halladay's is 3.47. A more comparable player is A. J. Burnett, whose FIP is also 3.83, although Burnett is a better strikeout pitcher (career 8.37 K / 9, vs. Lackey's 7.2 K / 9). For this, we would commit over $16 million a year to Lackey, for five years, making him the highest-paid player on the team (until Beckett gets extended).

Furthermore, there are strong indications that Lackey won't provide much value over the course of his contract. Matthew Carruth at Fangraphs lists two big reasons to be concerned about Lackey: health (Lackey only averaged 170 innings the past two years) and declining stats (higher walk rates, fewer K's). I'm not terribly distressed by his health, but more walks and fewer Ks are very worrisome, especially when Lackey wasn't the best strikeout pitcher to begin with. Lackey may be worth his $16 million in years 1 and 2 of the deal, but years 3, 4 and 5 could be quite ugly.

I think this move is more about hurting the Yankees and Angels. Lackey made great sense for the Yanks, who need another starter to join Pettitte. The Angels suffer even more, especially now that Halladay and Lee are both off the market. However, beyond 2010 both teams can recover, especially by dipping into the next free agent pool (which has Webb). So for one year of pain for the LAA of A and NYY, the Sox are taking on an expensive, declining free agent. [Click Continue Reading for why this deal doesn't fit Theo's M.O., and possible trade implications.]

Generally, Theo stays away from inking the best free agent on the market (exception: shortstops). If the Red Sox do sign a top-flight free agent, he's either a shortstop or an underrated player (see Drew, J.D.). But a player like Lackey is not underrated or undervalued, and he doesn't come at any discount. Over Theo's tenure, the Sox have been building their rotations around players they traded for (Beckett, Schilling) or developed (Lester, Buchholz). This strategy has been both cost-effective and successful, and the few times we've departed from it (see Matt Clement) haven't produced results.

Because Lackey's signing was elective (like plastic surgery, which he needs, btw), there's rampant speculation that a Buchholz trade may be in the works. Signing Lackey fills the #3 starter role, and allows Clay to be moved with others for a player like Adrian Gonzalez or Miguel Cabrera. Both of those players are great hitters, and a blockbuster trade is probably the only way to get either of them.

And then what? The Sox have to extend AGon (think $18 million + per year) to keep him past 2011, or pay Cabrera's gargantuan salary. Between Lackey and Cabrera / AGon you've got nearly $40 million in two players. By contrast, Buchholz + Adrian Beltre is unlikely to cost more than $20 million, even assuming big arb raises for Buchholz. That means more money to keep players like Josh Beckett, Victor Martinez, Ellsbury, Papelbon, Bard, etc. The Sox could also have passed on Lackey and saved money to sign upcoming free agents like Webb, Mauer, Pujols, etc. Without a major expansion of Red Sox payroll, the Lackey signing and a big trade could severely restrict the team's options in the future.

Buchholz may never be as good as Lackey, but he will be cheaper. I would argue that Buchholz has a small chance of being much better than Lackey, of becoming an elite pitcher like Halladay or Schilling. With all the trades we turned down to keep him (especially the Johan Santana deal), it seems crazy to send him packing now.

The Lackey signing is unnecessary, wasteful and could conceivably hurt the team down the road. Much like the Scutaro deal, it seems directly at odds with Theo's long-term, farm-centered strategy. I don't like it, and neither should you.

Poll

If you were GM of the Red Sox, which of the following would you have done?

Mike Lowell Traded To Rangers, Pending Medicals

0157H7 — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 02:17:21 -0000

More photos » by Charles Krupa - AP

14 days ago: FILE - In this April 25, 2009, file photo, Boston Red Sox Mike Lowell pumps his fist as he runs down the first-base line after hitting a three-run home against the New York Yankees in a baseball game at Fenway Park in Boston. The Boston Red Sox are discussing a trade that would send 2007 World Series MVP Mike Lowell to the Texas Rangers. (AP Photo/Charles Krupa, File)

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UPDATE, 12/13 @ 12:53 pm: Peter Abraham of the Boston Globe writes that the deal is being held up by Mike Lowell's right thumb, which the Rangers are still examining; they feel his right hip is healthy. Abraham confirms the money going to Texas would be $9 million.

UPDATE, 12/11 @ 9:18 am: Rob Bradford writes that it could be 2-3 days before the deal is consummated. The money going to Texas appears to be $9 million (of Lowell's $12 million salary).

According to Tony Massarotti of the Boston Globe, the Boston Red Sox have agreed to trade Mike Lowell to the Texas Rangers for the catching prospect Max Ramirez. Money issues have been resolved, but the deal could still go south if Lowell doesn't clear the Rangers' medical evaluation. No word on the amount Texas is getting.

Feel free to freak out in the comments.

Poll

Will this deal get done?

Marco Scutaro: Another Take

0157H7 — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 14:27:56 -0000

More photos » by Frank Gunn - AP

Was Marco Scutaro signed because he was the best option, or because Theo was impressed by his ability to levitate? (AP photo/The Canadian Press,Frank Gunn; caption by E.coli)

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Ah ! well a-day ! what evil looks
Had I from old and young !
Instead of the cross, the Albatross
About my neck was hung.
- Samuel Taylor Coleridge,
"The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" (1798)

These days, Theo Epstein might feel like he's carrying an albatross around his neck - a carcass composed of his abortive efforts to fill the shortstop position. The Scutaro signing, which Randy has optimistically analyzed over here, is an attempt to chuck the bird off his chest, but it seems likely to backfire, just as the Lugo and Renteria acquisitions did.

I've already detailed why I think Marco Scutaro is a bad signing. How his career numbers, on both offense and defense, were worse than Julio Lugo's when Theo signed him. But worst of all, it doesn't seem to fit the modern Red Sox strategy. [CLICK CONTINUE READING FOR MORE.]

Normally, Theo's moves seem to adhere to an overarching plan. If I had to give a name to that plan, it would be the "$100 million player development machine," which are Theo's words. The farm system feeds the team, providing inexpensive, talented players like Youkilis, Lester, Pedroia, and Ellsbury; some prospects are traded to bring additional talent in (see Victor Martinez, Josh Beckett deals). The Red Sox use their superior financial resources to sign their draft picks, to pursue international talent (Matsuzaka, Tazawa, maybe Chapman?), to resign their home-grown players (extensions for Youk, Pedey, Lester), and to fill occasional needs with good free agents (Drew). Additional money is spent on short-term, low-risk, high-reward moves, in the model of the Smoltz, Penny and Saito signings last year. Unlike the Yankees, who these days build around free agents, the Sox build around their farm.

Where does Scutaro fit in this model? Considering that the Front Office is signing him off a career year, as a Type A free agent, he's definitely not a value acquisition. He's not an underrated player like J D Drew that deserves a long-term commitment. Furthermore, by signing Scutaro, the Sox are giving up a first round draft pick, which could conceivably have produced the next Clay Buchholz or Casey Kelly (or the next unimpressive player like Jason Place).

There are two conclusions we can draw from this signing. First, the Front Office doesn't have much confidence in Lowrie. Even if he's only making $6 million (I think it'll be higher, at $7 or $8 million) Scutaro will block Lowrie. Considering that Lowrie, in limited play, seems better defensively (9.7 UZR in 549.2 innings at SS, good for a 27.0 UZR / 150 games) than Scutaro, this is probably a bad thing. Second, Theo must be feeling some pressure to make a move at SS; otherwise he would not sign a player coming off a career year who costs a 1st round draft pick. This pressure might be from people within the organization (Henry, Luchhino), or without (fans anxious for a big move). It might be so that Theo feels he'll have some stability at the position, even if he's paying through the nose for it.

In closing, I hate this move. It reeks of panic and desperation, and is completely out of keeping with both the Red Sox organizational philosophy, and the wisdom of economics and baseball. That said, good luck, Mr. Scutaro, and feel free to prove me wrong. Go (get Holliday) Sox.

Poll

Is the Scutaro signing a good move?

Yes. He'll make the team better.

270 votes

No. It is the wrong man, for the wrong price, at the wrong time, for the wrong reasons.

138 votes

Vote Undecided / Unsure in 2010!

82 votes

490 votes | Poll has closed

Marco Scutaro: Shortstop of the Future?

0157H7 — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 00:45:01 -0000

More photos » by Brian Blanco - AP

Is this the man you want jumping onboard? (AP Photo/Brian Blanco; caption by E.coli.)

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If Theo Epstein has a failing, it would be the shortstop position. Ever since the Nomar trade, the Sox have struggled to balance offense and defense at the position. 2005 saw Edgar Renteria and his 32 errors, 2006 saw Alex Gonzalez, who batted poorly and missed a fourth of the season to injury, and 2007 inaugurated the Julio Lugo era, which ended with his mid-season trade last year. Turning to the farm system, Theo tried Jed Lowrie out in 2008, and he impressed in his debut season, driving in runs and playing solid defense, all while playing through a wrist injury. Unfortunately, Lowrie was not healthy this season, only appearing in 32 games.

Throughout the past season, shortstop was anchored by the fill-ins Nick Green and Alex Gonzalez, who both played impressive defense. But Gonzalez is gone, and Green's status is uncertain.

All of which brings us, and seemingly every baseball commentator, to Marco Scutaro, the top free agent shortstop on the market. This past season was his best ever offensively, with an impressive .379 on-base percentage, and he played league average defense (0.9 UZR); if anything, he seems like the natural choice to fill Boston's SS gap. He even wants to play in Boston.

So why isn't he the right man for the job? Read on for the reasons why Scutaro is not the answer to Theo's shortstop dilemma.

1. What goes up must come down.

Scutaro's 2009 was so much better than his career numbers that there is absolutely no reason to think he won't come crashing down. From 2002 to 2008, he produced a .261 / .325 / .377 line. His highest OBP was .350, and his OPS+ never topped 100, which above-average hitters top routinely.

2. Scutaro's defense at SS is not good enough.

A look at his Fangraphs page shows a wild fielding career, with many different positions. Scutaro doesn't have a very long career at SS, but the seasons he does have aren't terribly promising. Starting from '05, the first year he spent substantial time at the position:

Year          UZR/150           Games
2005             -4.6              81
2006             -28.1             69
2007              2.6                43
2008              20.3              56
2009              1.0                143

3. Scutaro is 34 years old.

If he were a defensive whiz like Omar Vizquel, this might not matter, but given Scutaro's inconsistent fielding, serious regression seems quite possible, even likely. In addition, age is another reason for why he's likely to crash offensively; offensive renaissances are unlikely at age 34, and even more likely to continue at age 35.

4. Scutaro will want, and should get, a decent contract from someone.

Even in a down market, Scutaro is a hot-ticket item. And after the best season of his career, acquiring him would be exhibit A in the Buying High category. After hitting as well as he did, I think enough GMs will be starstruck for one to offer him $8-9 million a year, for 2-3 years.

5. Julio Lugo was a better player, in every way, than Scutaro, when we signed him.

Past isn't necessarily prologue, but Lugo was a better hitter (higher career OBP, OPS), a better fielder (no negative years at SS by UZR), and a younger player when we signed him than Scutaro is now. People forget that at times Lugo provided us with good fielding (4.3 UZR / 150 in '07) and good hitting (.355 OBP in '08). Scutaro could easily be worse.

6. Scutaro will cost a first-round draft choice.

This should be the dealbreaker for Theo, who loves draft picks. Toronto will offer arbitration, and some unlucky team will bite at Scutaro. [Aside: How did he become a Type A? Seriously?]

___

Signing Scutaro wouldn't be the end of the world, but it would almost certainly be a poor use of the money. I'd rather see a combination of ~~Mr. Walking Wounded~~ Jed Lowrie, Nick Green and/or Adam Everett than Scutaro. If all we need is a placeholder until Iglesias arrives, then why spend so much and give up a draft pick to get one?

Poll

Should the Red Sox sign free agent shortstop Marco Scutaro?

Yes. He's better than other options.

95 votes

No. He's too old / worse than Lugo was / too inconsistent defensively / too expensive.

417 votes

I don't know.

62 votes

Somebody call 9-1-1! Scutaro fire burning on the dance floor...

31 votes

605 votes | Poll has closed

A Very Gonzo Thanksgiving

0157H7 — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 15:52:49 -0000

More photos » by Paul J. Bereswill - AP

3 months ago: Boston Red Sox Alex Gonzalez reacts to striking out against the New York Yankees in the fifth inning of a baseball game at Yankee Stadium in New York, Friday, Sept. 25, 2009. (AP Photo/Paul J. Bereswill)

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According to Ken Rosenthal (citing a major league source), Alex Gonzalez has signed with the Toronto Blue Jays. Gonzalez, best known for being a shortstop who can hit over .111, play great defense (18.3 UZR/150 for Boston last year), and avoid crippling injury, signed for one year, $2.75 million (according to MLB's Jordan Bastian).

Assuming the report is true, and Hanley Ramirez isn't around the corner, this leaves the weight of the Red Sox infield resting on Jed Lowrie's sclerotic shoulders. Will the hemophilic hypochondriac be able to stand the pressure? Only time will tell. Thankfully, there are a lot of great hospitals in Boston.

Update: According to Tony Massarotti at the Boston Globe, Boston was prepared to offer $3 million for Gonzalez's services, but wanted to explore deals with other free agents (Scutaro?) first. Obviously, Gonzo wasn't willing to wait.

Poll

How does Alex Gonzalez's departure make you feel?

Depressed. He solidified our defense and hit well for us.

123 votes

Angry. Theo should have made a better effort to sign him.

138 votes

Happy. Now nothing will stop Jed Lowrie from being the starting shortstop.

57 votes

Wait, Jed, look out! Get off the tracks! It's a train! Can't you hear me! [HONKHONK] NOOO! JED!!! NOOOOO!!

122 votes

440 votes | Poll has closed

Mauer = MVP

0157H7 — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 23:28:39 -0000

More photos » by Hannah Foslien - AP

about 1 month ago: FILE - This is an Aug. 13, 2009, file photo showing Minnesota Twins' Joe Mauer hitting a three-run homer against the Kansas City Royals in the fifth inning of a baseball game in Minneapolis. Mauer has become only the second catcher in 33 years to win the American League Most Valuable Player Award, Monday, Nov. 23, 2009.(AP Photo/Hannah Foslien, File)

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Ladies and gentlemen, your BWAA Most Valuable Player is Joe Mauer. With all the wealth and recognition from this award, he should be able to finally buy some consonants for his last name (or at least donate the surplus vowels to Eastern Europe). The BWAA deserves props for making the right choice, as Mauer is clearly the best player in the American league, and, by extension, in the game. His .365 / .444 / .587 line led the league in AVG, OBP, and SLG, and he suddenly became a huge power hitter, clobbering 28 homers (previous high was 13 in '06).

Unfortunately, the BWAA's choices for the rest of the slots, 1-10, were less defensibly. Mark Teixeira and Derek Handbag as 2nd and 3rd? Miguel Cabrera (4th) with a 1st place vote?! Kevin "The Beard" Youkilis and Jason "I'm Too Good for $15 mil a year" Bay as low as 6th and 7th? The Yankees committed over $420 million in payroll to just three players this past offseason - the only MVP votes should be going to the Steinbrenner's checkbook. Detroit didn't even make the playoffs (although they were close to making them). Morales was a good choice, but not ahead of Youkilis.

But enough of my thoughts? How would you have voted if you were one of the brilliant, chosen people who compose the BWAA? Have at it in the comments!

Poll

What would you trade / give up for Joe Mauer?

Casey Kelly, Clay Buchholz, Lars Anderson, and Josh Beckett.

72 votes

Sex for three years.

44 votes

My dignity.

40 votes

All of my World of Warcraft characters.

54 votes

Nothing. Don't want him. Jason Varitek is catcher enough for me.

31 votes

241 votes | Poll has closed

The Adventures of Statman: Attack of the Scioscier

0157H7 — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 15:50:58 -0000

Because Baseball Traditionalists are a cowardly and superstitious lot, I will become an icon of fear. I take up the mantle of the Stat. For I... am Learning. I... am the Math. I... am STATMAN!

See the continuing adventures of Statman and Divisor, his trusted companion, as the Formulaic Duo! Tonight they face their greatest foe yet, the Scioscier!!

Divisor: Leaping limits, Statman! Someone's crashed World of Warcraft! WoW's an integral part of my life - I don't know what else I'd do on Friday nights after working hard at school. I might have to take that hot chick Betty to a movie like she keeps asking me to!
Statman: Worry not, chum. We'll save WoW, protect you from a social life, and get you back to leveling your undead mage by Midnight! To the Statmobile!

[Statman and Divisor drive to the scene of the crime.]

Commissioner Selig: As you can see, Statman, someone turned off the servers, and then arranged them into this pattern...

[Statman looks at the toppled servers, his superior sabermetric skills at work.]

Statman: Radii... circumference... Great Scott! It looks like a circle... But wait... there's nothing inside it. It looks more like... [gasp] a Halo!... But who could have committed this nefarious deed?

[With a high-pitched laugh, a caped conspirator appears on a ledge above them. A flash of lightning illuminates his fearsome figure!]

Scioscier: It is I, Statman, your newest, greatest foe - the Scioscier!
Divisor: Querulous Quotient, Statman! He looks just like John McCain!
Scioscier: Hahahaha! You stand no chance against me! I will rule the night, and you will rue the day! My speedy minions will destroy you! Attack Aybar, Scone and Abreu!

[Three lithe delinquents dart onto the scene, menacing Statman.]

Statman: You forgot to factor something into your equation - Statarangs! They'll cross multiply your problems!

[He tosses Plus Sign Shurikens at the malcontents, knocking them out.]

Divisor: Divide and conquer! Ha!
Scioscier: You may have bested my speedsters, but you'll never defeat, The LACKEY!

[The ground thunders as Statman and Divisor turn to see a massive, bloated form emerge from the shadows.]

Divisor: Suffering sequential sets, Statman! That monster is growing exponentially!
Statman: Then we'll just have to get to the Square Root of the problem! Statman to Statmobile - fire the Log Gun!

KABLAMO!!!!

[The LACKEY shrinks to a height of two feet.]

Divisor: Nice work, Statman. Now, he's just a fraction of himself!
Scioscier: Rats! You may have foiled me today, but I'll best you next offseason! ... All I need is more speedy centerfielders!!!

[The Scioscier shrinks away, as the Formulaic Duo turn on the servers again. Meanwhile, Commissioner Selig comes out from hiding.]

Selig: You've saved us, Statman! How can I ever thank you?
Statman: It was nothing, Commissioner. Although... you could contribute some money to Bruce NotStatman's Excel Spreadsheets for Tots Foundation - I hear they do good work. But in the meantime, as long as there is someone menacing the sport of baseball, or the world of MMORPGs, I'll be at the ready!
Divisor: That reminds me, I should cancel that date with Betty tonight. I really want to do that new Isle of the Burning Pelicans quest!
Statman: [patting his enormous, engorged chest] Hahaha! That's the way, lad. To the stat-mobile! I bet my Paladin can PK you any day!

THE END.

Or is it? Tune in next week to find out!

RED SOX VS. YANKEES (TEAM OF TEH TWO CENTURIES = 1900 TO 2100) - JUST THE FACTS

0157H7 — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 17:05:08 -0000

[Stop. Please read this before proceeding... NANANANANA, STATMAN!... Done? Now read on.]

"Ladies and Gentlemen, the story you are about to read is true. Only the words have been changed to protect the innocent."

[Cue Dragnet intro music.]

Hi Fans,

I decided to create this post simply so that I could understand it, as opposed to complicatedly, which is hard to understand... I mean so that there is no more whining from either side of the so-called Red Sox Yankees rivalry. The numbers listed below are facts and not opinions:

YANKEEZ Numberz of teh RINGZ: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, (yo bra, what's after 21?!)... 22... 23... 24... 25... 26... 27... 27 RINGZ!!!! SPOONED!

RED SUX RINGZ: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 7 RINGZ! awfulolzomgesundheit!

NUMBRE OF YEARZ AS LARGEST PAYROLL IN MLB: ALL OF THEM!

AMOUNT COMMITTED TO 3 FREE AGENTS IN 2008-09 OFFSEASON TO WIN THE WORLD SERIES: $423.5 million ($161 mil C C Sandwichia, $180 mil Teixeira, $82.5 mil Burnett).

NUMBER OF SHINY TEETH IN DEREK JETER'S FACE: 33!

NUMBER OF SHINY STARS ON DEREK JETER'S REPORT CARD: 200!

NUMBER OF TIMES I FANTASISE ABOUT DEREK JETER IN TEH SHOWER: [redacted - the Mgt.]

NUMBER OF TIMES WE YANKEE FANS IGNORED THE GREATEST CHOKE IN PLAYOFF HISTORY: Every.

NUMBER OF TIMES WE YANKEE FANS IGNORED THE TEAM DURING THE FIRST HALF OF TEH SEASON, WHEN THEY SUCKED: A lot.

NUMBER OF CURSES AND INSULTS UTTERED TO A RED SOX CLOSER AND HIS WIFE ON THE STREETS OF NEW YORK: 1,362 (Hat tip - Rasmussen polling.)

NUMBER OF NEW YORK'S FINEST RIOT POLICE MASSING ON THE FIELD TO PROTECT PLAYERS FROM AN ANGRY MOB IN THE 2004 ALCS: Several hundred.

How is this a rivalry?

In addition ungrammaticalcomma to the numbers listed above where'sacommawhenyouneedone the 2009 Yankees had the best record of any World Series winner this decade!! Which is much more awesome than sweeping two World Series, or coming back from being down 3-1 in one series, and 3-0 in another! Or competing with $70 million less in payroll!

Hats off to the WORLD CHAMPEEN New York Yankees, so that we can collect change from passersby and maybe one day afford a ticket to see them!

Poll

Should E.Coli plug his books here?

Yes. The public has a right to know.

21 votes

No. Let the readers come to you. You know they want it. And you know how to give it to them. Hard. Strong. All night long. And in audiobooks.

14 votes

What are these delightful books of which you speak? And can you send fifty to my house posthaste?

9 votes

44 votes | Poll has closed