SB Nation User Blog: 0157H7

The Adventures of Statman: Attack of the Scioscier

0157H7 — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 15:50:58 -0000

Because Baseball Traditionalists are a cowardly and superstitious lot, I will become an icon of fear. I take up the mantle of the Stat. For I... am Learning. I... am the Math. I... am STATMAN!

See the continuing adventures of Statman and Divisor, his trusted companion, as the Formulaic Duo! Tonight they face their greatest foe yet, the Scioscier!!

Divisor: Leaping limits, Statman! Someone's crashed World of Warcraft! WoW's an integral part of my life - I don't know what else I'd do on Friday nights after working hard at school. I might have to take that hot chick Betty to a movie like she keeps asking me to!
Statman: Worry not, chum. We'll save WoW, protect you from a social life, and get you back to leveling your undead mage by Midnight! To the Statmobile!

[Statman and Divisor drive to the scene of the crime.]

Commissioner Selig: As you can see, Statman, someone turned off the servers, and then arranged them into this pattern...

[Statman looks at the toppled servers, his superior sabermetric skills at work.]

Statman: Radii... circumference... Great Scott! It looks like a circle... But wait... there's nothing inside it. It looks more like... [gasp] a Halo!... But who could have committed this nefarious deed?

[With a high-pitched laugh, a caped conspirator appears on a ledge above them. A flash of lightning illuminates his fearsome figure!]

Scioscier: It is I, Statman, your newest, greatest foe - the Scioscier!
Divisor: Querulous Quotient, Statman! He looks just like John McCain!
Scioscier: Hahahaha! You stand no chance against me! I will rule the night, and you will rue the day! My speedy minions will destroy you! Attack Aybar, Scone and Abreu!

[Three lithe delinquents dart onto the scene, menacing Statman.]

Statman: You forgot to factor something into your equation - Statarangs! They'll cross multiply your problems!

[He tosses Plus Sign Shurikens at the malcontents, knocking them out.]

Divisor: Divide and conquer! Ha!
Scioscier: You may have bested my speedsters, but you'll never defeat, The LACKEY!

[The ground thunders as Statman and Divisor turn to see a massive, bloated form emerge from the shadows.]

Divisor: Suffering sequential sets, Statman! That monster is growing exponentially!
Statman: Then we'll just have to get to the Square Root of the problem! Statman to Statmobile - fire the Log Gun!

KABLAMO!!!!

[The LACKEY shrinks to a height of two feet.]

Divisor: Nice work, Statman. Now, he's just a fraction of himself!
Scioscier: Rats! You may have foiled me today, but I'll best you next offseason! ... All I need is more speedy centerfielders!!!

[The Scioscier shrinks away, as the Formulaic Duo turn on the servers again. Meanwhile, Commissioner Selig comes out from hiding.]

Selig: You've saved us, Statman! How can I ever thank you?
Statman: It was nothing, Commissioner. Although... you could contribute some money to Bruce NotStatman's Excel Spreadsheets for Tots Foundation - I hear they do good work. But in the meantime, as long as there is someone menacing the sport of baseball, or the world of MMORPGs, I'll be at the ready!
Divisor: That reminds me, I should cancel that date with Betty tonight. I really want to do that new Isle of the Burning Pelicans quest!
Statman: [patting his enormous, engorged chest] Hahaha! That's the way, lad. To the stat-mobile! I bet my Paladin can PK you any day!

THE END.

Or is it? Tune in next week to find out!

RED SOX VS. YANKEES (TEAM OF TEH TWO CENTURIES = 1900 TO 2100) - JUST THE FACTS

0157H7 — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 17:05:08 -0000

[Stop. Please read this before proceeding... NANANANANA, STATMAN!... Done? Now read on.]

"Ladies and Gentlemen, the story you are about to read is true. Only the words have been changed to protect the innocent."

[Cue Dragnet intro music.]

Hi Fans,

I decided to create this post simply so that I could understand it, as opposed to complicatedly, which is hard to understand... I mean so that there is no more whining from either side of the so-called Red Sox Yankees rivalry. The numbers listed below are facts and not opinions:

YANKEEZ Numberz of teh RINGZ: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, (yo bra, what's after 21?!)... 22... 23... 24... 25... 26... 27... 27 RINGZ!!!! SPOONED!

RED SUX RINGZ: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 7 RINGZ! awfulolzomgesundheit!

NUMBRE OF YEARZ AS LARGEST PAYROLL IN MLB: ALL OF THEM!

AMOUNT COMMITTED TO 3 FREE AGENTS IN 2008-09 OFFSEASON TO WIN THE WORLD SERIES: $423.5 million ($161 mil C C Sandwichia, $180 mil Teixeira, $82.5 mil Burnett).

NUMBER OF SHINY TEETH IN DEREK JETER'S FACE: 33!

NUMBER OF SHINY STARS ON DEREK JETER'S REPORT CARD: 200!

NUMBER OF TIMES I FANTASISE ABOUT DEREK JETER IN TEH SHOWER: [redacted - the Mgt.]

NUMBER OF TIMES WE YANKEE FANS IGNORED THE GREATEST CHOKE IN PLAYOFF HISTORY: Every.

NUMBER OF TIMES WE YANKEE FANS IGNORED THE TEAM DURING THE FIRST HALF OF TEH SEASON, WHEN THEY SUCKED: A lot.

NUMBER OF CURSES AND INSULTS UTTERED TO A RED SOX CLOSER AND HIS WIFE ON THE STREETS OF NEW YORK: 1,362 (Hat tip - Rasmussen polling.)

NUMBER OF NEW YORK'S FINEST RIOT POLICE MASSING ON THE FIELD TO PROTECT PLAYERS FROM AN ANGRY MOB IN THE 2004 ALCS: Several hundred.

How is this a rivalry?

In addition ungrammaticalcomma to the numbers listed above where'sacommawhenyouneedone the 2009 Yankees had the best record of any World Series winner this decade!! Which is much more awesome than sweeping two World Series, or coming back from being down 3-1 in one series, and 3-0 in another! Or competing with $70 million less in payroll!

Hats off to the WORLD CHAMPEEN New York Yankees, so that we can collect change from passersby and maybe one day afford a ticket to see them!

Poll

Should E.Coli plug his books here?

Trade Analysis: Huh?mida

0157H7 — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 02:18:21 -0000

More photos » by Lynne Sladky - ASSOCIATED PRESS

What role will Jeremy Hermida have with the Sox? (AP Photo/Lynne Sladky)

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After Tuesday's trade with the fabulous floundering fish, the Florida Marlins, the Red Sox have a new outfielder, Jeremy Hermida. This unexpected deal raises the question of what role he'll have on the team.

Hermida was a forner top prospect who has largely disappointed in the bigs. His best year was without doubt 2007: .296 / .369 / .501 (.870 OPS), 18 HR, 32 doubles in 123 games. Unfortunately, Hermida's star has fallen significantly since then, along with his OPS, which was .729 in '08 and .740 this year. Defensively, Hermida is not impressive, with a career -26.7 UZR, mostly in right field. In left, his numbers aren't very impressive, and he's spent almost no time in center.

My initial thought was that the Sox wanted Hermida as a bench player / 4th outfielder or as a piece for a trade. But Theo's remarks yesterday suggest they see something more:

"Hermida is a player who hasn’t fulfilled his potential yet. We acquired him today for a reasonable cost to see if he might be able to fulfill that potential with us. He’s somebody who has positive indicators that future performance might be better than his past performance. His minor-league track record, his age, his draft pedigree, our scouting reports over the year indicate there’s a chance that he can turn into the player he was once thought to be." Source

Maybe the Front Office thinks they can bottle lightning with Hermida. Theo has gambled on high ceiling position players before - think Wily Mo Pena or David Ortiz. Assuming Theo is high on Hermida, hopefully he's still looking at outfielders, because otherwise Hermida is going to be under a lot of pressure to replace Jason Bay's production. Holliday or Bay,or leaving a horse head in Andrew Friedman's bed and grabbing Crawford, should be the Red Sox plan for LF this year.

Poll

Where do you see Jeremy Hermida ending up?

Where the Sox Things Are: Offseason Priorities

0157H7 — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 03:09:40 -0000

More photos » by Elise Amendola - AP

This guy has a lot of work to do. (AP Photo/Elise Amendola; caption by E.coli)

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Whew, I just got back from an abortive effort climbing Mt. Everest?* So... how are the Sox doing? ...

...

They WHAT?????!!!!!!!

To be serious for just a moment, yes I saw the ALDS, and the ignominious end to the Red Sox season. I imagine my reaction to that series mirrored that of many Red Sox fans: shock, horror, disgust, anger, revulsion, anger, humiliation, anger, horror, anger and anger. After watching, it was difficult to write about the Sox again, to express anything about a team that had snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. It was a return to the bad old days, where the team teases you all season only to rip out your heart at the end.

Sadly, there's not too much that can be done about a sudden offensive drought, which was the deciding factor in the series. And as much fun as it might be to trade Papelbon to team suiting his competitive spirit (Pittsburgh, Florida, Kansas City), he should not be traded under vindictive, disadvantageous terms. I'd rather see Paps moved for real value in a trade like the one that netted Matt Holliday for the Oakland Athletics (reliever Huston Street was the centerpiece of that deal). If that happens to be for Hanley Ramirez, then so be it.

But Papelbon doesn't need to be dealt any time soon. And Boston's offense, while unimpressive in October, was still good for 3rd best in the league. Accordingly, this offseason Theo should make the following items priorities:

1) Improve Defense.

Boston ended the year with the 28th worst Defensive Efficiency in all of baseball (second worst in the league). By UZR they were ahead of 13 teams, but still bad overall (-17 runs). The left side of the field was largely a disaster, a putrescent cesspool anchored by Mike Lowell and Jason Bay, with a generous slopping of Julio Lugo on the side. No more. Efforts should be made to improve defense on the left: put Matt Holliday out there in Bay's spot, move Youk to 3rd. Some of the bad D was due to Ellsbury's crappy year, and Lugo's gone, but Lowell is still a worry and there's a hole in left field where Matt Holliday should be. [CLICK CONTINUE READING FOR 2 - 7]

2) Scout and make great draft picks.

Saito and Wagner should net some nice ones. Hopefully the farm gurus can grow us something better than a Jason Place or a Will Middlebrooks, because at the moment the farm system doesn't have too many players ready to help in the majors. I only hope that Mr. Anderson can overcome whatever is holding him back and become the All-Star we need. We need more excuses for Matrix quotes here...

3) Don't sign Johnny Damon.

This is less about pissing off the entire fanbase (and taking Judas away from his beloved Big Apple) and more about playing style. In Boston, Damon might knock mothers off stepladders or bring about the Apocalypse, but he won't hit +20 cheap, wind-tunnel-aided home runs to the right field stands. Further, if Johnny is signed to play left, that means the team missed out on both Jason Bay and Matt Holliday, both of whom would be better choices.

4) Don't count on Jed Lowrie.

Either Gonzo or Nick Green (or Hanley Ramirez) should be retained to back him up, for the 90% of games he misses with a strained cranial flexor.

5) Do something big.

This isn't strictly necessary from a strategicy standpoint, but it's much more fun to write about signing Matt Holliday or a trade for Adrian Gonzalez, than about more low-risk, moderate reward signings. In addition, if you get a great player, the likelihood of him imploding on you is reduced than if you get someone coming off a down year / injury-plagued season. We saw what players like that can do in 2009, and it wasn't inspiring. Brad Penny gave us some good starts before he started sucking, but John Smoltz was monumentally bad from the getgo. Theo doesn't have a great record rehabbing pitchers (Wade Miller comes to mind), so he should either avoid free agency altogether this season, or go for something resembling a known quantity. I am willing to make an exception for Rich Harden, because he is very good when healthy.

6) Fix Daisuke.

On the subject of injured players, we need Daisuke to pitch well, if only to avoid a third appearance by Paul Byrd. I still think he can put it together and become a #2 or #1 starter, although I'd settle for a luck-aided season like 2008.

7) Get a catcher who can throw out runners.

VMart only gets runners when they're following his throws into centerfield. Varitek is dead, long live the corpse. Get someone who can actually play the position to backup the starter.

_________________

Anyway, enough of my thoughts. What do you guys think should be the Red Sox offseason priorities? And how much improvement, if any, do they need?

* I canceled the trip after learning that I would not be the first or coolest Sox fan to do so. I just hope nobody complains about how much of OTM's bailout money was used to fund the junket.

Poll

How much improvement do the Sox need to compete next year?

A lot. Theo needs to significantly improve the team and sign / trade for one or more marquis players.

160 votes

A little. Getting backups for SS / C, a few relievers, and resigning Jason Bay should be enough.

112 votes

None. Boston has the players it needs to win next year.

1 votes

We can't compete next year. Trade off veterans and shoot for 2011.

9 votes

TEHY SHOUD SIGN EVREY FREE ANGENT AND WIN THE WS!!! O WAIT TAHT'S TEH YANKEEZ, NEVERMIND!!!!

27 votes

309 votes | Poll has closed

Ron Gardenhire Clarifies Comments About Yankees

0157H7 — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 13:55:34 -0000

More photos » by LM Otero - AP

Minnesota Twins manager Ron Gardenhire reflects on the professionalism, majesty and mystique of the Yankees. (AP Photo/LM Otero; caption by E.Coli.)

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Bronx, NY - Minnesota Twins manager Ron Gardenhire gave an exclusive interview with Over the Monster on Wednesday, to expand on his comments earlier that day about his team's division rival, the New York Yankees.

Before first game of the Twins-Yankees ALDS series, Mr. Gardenhire surprised fans and the media with his effusive praise of the Yankees:

You know what, the Yankees are the most professional team you'll ever see. They do their work. They play the game the right way. They don't get enough credit for that. They get always talked about high payroll and everything. But that's professional baseball players over there. Those guys are really good. And they take pride in everything they do. So we know that we've got a big battle here. Because these guys are a great baseball team. They've proved it all year long. [SOURCE]

After the game, Gardenhire sat down with this reporter, who had just logged off World of Warcraft and wrestled his corpulent frame onto his floating dais.

Over the Monster (OTM): Jabba no badda... ahem... Thanks for agreeing to speak with me.

Ron Gardenhire (RG): It's my pleasure.

OTM: So let's get right down to it? Do your comments earlier today reflect how you really feel about the Yankees?

RG: Yes, absolutely.

[CLICK CONTINUE READING FOR MORE]

OTM: So you really believe that Joe Girardi's team is the most professional team in baseball?

RG: Of course. And let me explain what I mean by 'professional.' When someone asks me how to describe my team, I say they're a team of baseball players. They know how to play the game, and they do it. But the Yankees... now they are professional baseball players. What I mean by that is, not only do they know how to play baseball, but they are also very good at the game. They don't collapse just because the opposing pitcher is a southpaw, or because they got to the hotel at 4 a.m. that morning after playing into extra innings the night before.

OTM: Out of curiosity, how many copies of my books did you buy?

RG: Well, I really liked How to Be a Yankee Fan and I have the complete series [Editor's Note: Volumes 1 and 2, available at fine booksellers and flea markets everywhere]. But I didn't read How to Be a HaloFan, because that wasn't canon, and because I prefer playoff success. And I'm big fan of the H2BYF fanfiction - who knew that an ARod-Teixeira-Jeter vampire love triangle would be so interesting?

OTM: Right... How do you feel about Derek Jeter?

RG: Love him. He's the total package - a baseball player, a professional baseball player, great hair, and did I mention the perfume?

OTM: Yeah, love that stuff. Makes the bantha stench bearable on good days... Anyway, does it bother you that Derek Jeter and other Yankees get so much attention when Joe Mauer is the best player in the game?

RG: No. Why would it?

OTM: Well, it just seems that if your team has the best player in baseball, you'd spend more time talking about him. That's all.

RG: If our billionaire owner Carl Pohlad is only going to half-ass his support of the team, why shouldn't I? [Editor's Note: Twins Payroll opening the season was 7th lowest in MLB, at approximately $65.3 million.]

OTM: Forgive me for asking this, but are your pro-Yankees remarks today a subtle move to grab Joe Girardi's job? [Shoves screaming reptile snack into mouth, licks lips with giant tongue.]

RG: All I'd like to say about that is, New York is a great city, Jeter is a demigod, the Steinbrenners are God's Gift to baseball, and the Yankees are the most professional organization in baseball. That said, the Bombers could be more professional, especially in the managing department. Beyond that, I won't say anything. If they ever need anything, say a new manager, all they have to do is ask, and I'll help out as best as I can. Just say the word. I'm there.

OTM: Thanks again, Mr. Gardenhire. Good luck with the rest of the ALDS.

RG: Forget this series. I want to get paid!

Poll

Who will win the Twins-Yankees ALDS?

New York. These Yankees are my kind of scum - reckless and inventive.

115 votes

Minnesota. Ron's using an old Jedi mind trick!

57 votes

Your mind powers will not work on me, boy! The Angels will win!

27 votes

199 votes | Poll has closed

Eleven Things I Like About LAAAAAAAAA*

0157H7 — Thu, 21 May 2009 03:45:04 -0000

More photos » by Gus Ruelas - AP

Really, who DOESN'T like the Angels? (AP Photo/Gus Ruelas. Caption by E.Coli.)

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It is a well-known fact that there is a strong bond between the people of California and the Boston area. From politics to economics to race relations, both regions are at the forefront of liberalism. In the realm of baseball, California is a place where many Red Sox stars finish their careers, from Mo Vaughn to Manny Ramirez. Look at the Dodgers - Manny, Doug Mientkiewicz, Mark Loretta - and our perennial trade partners the San Diego Padres, where Theo Epstein started his baseball career.

But for some reason, all these natural similarities and East Coast - West Coast connections have not improved relations between the fanbases of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and the Boston Red Sox.

Accordingly, in the spirit of cultural exchange, I'm listing the ten things I like about the Angels.

1. Steroids.

As a devoted Sox fan, I'm a big fan of steroids. A huge, ripped fan. So when I heard that 16 current and former Angels, from HGHary Matthews Jr. to Brendan "Drug Donkey" Donnelly (briefly a Sox player) to Troy "World Series MVP" Glaus, who had used steroids, my respect for the team grows immensely. I can't even think of that many confirmed Sox users. You've got Manny Ramirez, Ortiz (although what he tested positive for remain unclear) and um... Eric Gagne. The Halos deserve massive, bloated, engorged props for out-steroiding us.

2. Humility.

When I read Halos Heaven, my favorite Angels fansite, one word can sum up the overall feeling there: humility. Not only are Angels fans not proclaiming how their team is the best ever and will run roughshod over the Sox, Yankees and Cardinals to win its second World Series; they are modestly declaring why this will not happen. [My personal favorite reason is because of Umperialism, the clear East Coast bias evinced by the ironically named Joe West, crew chief of the ALDS.]

This is also true on a corporate level. While other teams are named for their region (Yankees), their footwear (Sox), their fishiness (Marlins), their connections to the occult (Devil Rays), or their plunderous and rapacious treatment of fans (Pirates), the Angels are named for their service and devotion to God. As the Puritan settlers of Boston would readily tell you, few things are more humble than annointing yourselves the Chosen agents of Divine Will.

[FOR 3-11, CLICK CONTINUE READING]

3. Regional Fealty.

When the Angels added 'Los Angeles' to their name, some claimed that the move had all the grace and subtlety of the Mexican-American War. Not me. The unfurling of the Angel flag over the conquered denizens of LA was a true sign of progress. Sure, the insurgent Dodger fans and the millions upon millions of SoCal Sox fans might reject the benevolent divinely-chosen authority that rules them, but those dead-enders will eventually knuckle under. I've got a "Mission Accomplished" banner for just that occasion.

4. Salt-of-the-Earthiness.

Some people who make huge amounts of money in a brief period of time behave in a way unbecoming of their acquired station. Boston Blueblood Brahmin derisively refer to such individuals as the 'Nouveau Riche,' when they talk at all to commoners.^ While the Angels and their $100+ million payroll might have changed the organization and its fanbase, they remain committed to their proper station. Rather than behaving like a major market team chasing marquis free agents, they content themselves with hiring 2nd-tier outfielders. They show true respect for the Yankees and Red Sox, the Barons of Baseball, by not having the indignity of competing with them for the Mark Teixeiras of the world.

Meanwhile, their fans continue to emphasize the scrappy, underdog nature of their team, and never demand more from it. For this they are to be commended. I mean, imagine the controversy if the Angels were a legitimate playoff threat!

5. Mike Scioscia.

This man is one of the true cavaliers of baseball. Not only does he guide his team to October, year after year, but in the finest spirit of medieval nobility, he gives the opposing team every opportunity to win. Sac bunts, squeeze bunts, suicide squeeze bunts, bunting with two outs, telling the pitcher to bunt instead of throw the ball, Scioscia is a true gem.

6. Great farm system.

Here in New England, we're great at growing rocks. So farming talent is something we appreciate. And the Angels' farm system is one of Baseball's most productive. Kudos.

7. Monkey in Diaper.

This needs no explanation.

8. Allowing Boston to get Casey Kotchman.

He's a standup guy, and hopefully a walk-off guy too.

9. Memorable late-inning home runs.

Only an Angel closer could set up a Boston left fielder for a towering home run. Brian Fuentes has big shoes to fill here - will his blown save, walk-off losses be as memorable as K-Rod's? Only time will tell.

10. Chone Figgins.

Just when I think I've learned all the multifarious ways to spell this name (Shawn, Sean, Shaun), LAA of A throws a curve. This guy has tremendous command of the strike zone, and his high OBP and great speed make him one of the few legit lead-off hitters in baseball.

11. Obedience.

"Stand!" "Shake!" "Sit!" "Speak!" "Roll over!" "Play Dead!"

"Good boy! See you same time next October."
____________________________________________________________

* Insider sources at MLB tell me that the Angels are planning on renaming their team to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Austin, Acapulco, Athens, Augusta, and America.

^There's a great epigram for this: "And this is good old Boston / The home of the bean and the cod / Where the Cabots talk only to Lowells / And the Lowells talk only to God."

The Ballad of Jed Lowrie

0157H7 — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 02:16:25 -0000

More photos » by Rob Carr - AP

The brittle Jed Lowrie, about to find out what is so kickass about Markickass' slide-tackles. (AP Photo/Rob Carr)

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Hurt 'n Cold
(with heartfelt apologies to Katy Perry)

Terry Francona is speaking to Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein and Jed Lowrie in front of the entire team and a full Fenway Park.

Francona: Theo, do you take Jed Lowrie as your starting shortstop for the 2010 season?

[Theo looks earnestly at Lowrie.]

Theo: I do. [Theo smiles.]

Francona: Now, Jed, do you accept the starting shortstop job for the 2010 Boston Red Sox?

[All eyes in Fenway are on Jed Lowrie, and he stares back at Theo, embarassed.]

Lowrie: "Ow, my spleen..."

[Lowrie loses consciousness.]

{CLICK CONTINUE READING FOR THE BALLAD.}

[Theo bursts into song, pointing at the twitching body of Jed Lowrie as paramedics run to it. As he sings, he chases the EMTs as they cart Lowrie through Fenway Park and down the streets of Boston to the hospital district in Longwood. ]

You hurt yourself
Like Ortiz crushes balls.
You overplay
Like each game, is your last!

And you, always break
Like you've got leprosy
I should know
That you're no good for me.

'Cause you're hurt and you're cold
You're frail like you're old
You're weak when you're hot
You're here, then you're not.

You're gone when it's late
It's karma, it's fate
You heal, you come up
You play, you break up.

You!
You don't really want to play, no!
You!
You don't really want to go - oh!

You're hurt and you're cold
You're frail like you're old
You're weak when you're hot
You're here, then you're not.

We... used to be
Just like Sox, wicked tight.
The same energy
Now's a hip injury.

Used to laugh 'bout your health,
Then we needed Nick Green
I should know, that you're not gonna to change.

'Cause you're hurt and you're cold
You're frail like you're old
You're weak when you're hot
You're here, then you're not.

You're gone when it's late
It's karma, it's fate
You heal, you come up
You play, you break up.

You!
You don't really want to play, no!
You!
You don't really want to go - oh!

Someone check the waivers,
Go get me healthy players!
Shortstop's a disaster -
Where's my boy Gonzalez?

You hurt yourself
Like Ortiz, crushes balls

'Cause you're hurt and you're cold
You're frail like you're old
You're weak when you're hot
You're here, then you're not.

You're gone when it's late
It's karma, it's fate
You heal, you come up
You play, you break up.

You!
You don't really want to play, no!
You!
You don't really want to go - oh!

You're hurt and you're cold
You're frail like you're old
You're weak when you're hot
You're here, then you're not.

[Several hours later, Theo is sitting over Lowrie's hospital bed. Lowrie looks up at him.]

Lowrie: Theo, I think if you just give me the chance, I can contribute. My arms and legs are feeling better. Honest.

Theo opens his mouth, points down to Lowrie's frame, and then bursts into tears, wailing. Lowrie looks down and sees that all of his limbs have been amputated...

FIN

(For other Red Sox-related ballads, see: Alex Gonzalez, Jason Varitek, and Johan Santana.)

Poll

Who should be the next victim... er, subject, of E.Coli's song parodies?

Jason Bay. Nobody's funnier than Canadians. Except maybe everyone else.

14 votes

Daisuke Matsuzaka. Michael Jackson. Make it happen.

18 votes

Grandmaster Ortiz, the Biggest Papi.

9 votes

Jason Varitek (again). There's more depth to plumb here.

15 votes

Someone else, whom I will name in the comments section, and provide a song suggestion as well.

2 votes

58 votes | Poll has closed

Cooperstown Hall Debates: MVP, Preliminaries

0157H7 — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 02:15:31 -0000

via sportsradio1210.com

Bud Selig (thinking to himself): Please let this go well...

[Selig takes a deep breath, looks over the crowd and turns on microphone]

Selig: Go afternoon ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the first town hall debate on Most Valuable Player Reform. If there's one thing I've learned in my career as absolute dictator of the sport, it's that these meetings are extremely valuable in my decision making process.

via forum.sportsmogul.com

Selig: Many of you have complained about the arbitrary and arcane practice of selecting each league's MVP. So I'd like to discuss that a little. But first we're going to open the floor to our other speakers... [CLICK CONTINUE READING FOR MORE]

via www.orbitcast.com

Derek Jeter: How's it going? I just flew back from my hiking trip... I mean A-Rodgentina - I mean The PENNANT Race, that's what I meant... So, what did I miss?

Bud Selig: Hiya Jeets. Lookin' good, lookin' good. [Stares into Jeter's eyes, loses himself briefly, recovers] And let's give a big special welcome to another guest, Jason Bay!

via www.post-gazette.com

Angel and Yankee Fans: BOOOOOO!!!!!

Jason Bay: Well gosh, folks, it's nice to be here in such distinguished company. I can only hope...

Anonymous Yankee Fan: UR NOT ONE OF US!!!! U DON'T BELONG HERE!!! U WEREN'T EVEN BORN HERE!!!! GO BACK TO CANADIA!!!!

Bud Selig: People, please, show some respect, we're not done introducing the candidates yet. Next up we have - Joe Mauer!

via mentoringworks.files.wordpress.com

Joe Mauer: Hi everybody, I'm...

Anonymous Angel Fan: Like, OMG, that is IT! Not a single Angel player!!! I refuse to be a part of, like, this whole East Coast bias thing! You ESPN lapdogs make me sick, and not like when I stuff my finger down my throat! A bad kind of sick! HMPFH! [Stuffs tinfoil hat back on head, struts out of hall.]

Selig: ...sigh... Next up, Kendry Morales!

via socalsportshub.com

Morales: Shut up, old man! [screams] I want Bay-boyia! You tell Bay-boyia to come here!!! You tell him what I said!!! I'll KILL him...

[Ominous silence.]

Selig: Mr. Morales, what's your prediction for this debate?

[Morales stares into camera.]

Morales: ...PAIN.

[Selig pauses.]

Selig: ... Ahem... The next candidate is another local favorite, Mark Teixeira!!

via www.beacardgeek.com

Mark Teixeira: Oh wow, thanks. I'm real honored, even though I had to drag my wife kicking and screaming from the Big Apple. You know how she...

[Guy in shades runs up, grabs microphone]

Kanye West: Hey Tex, I'm real proud of you, and Imma let you finish, but DEREK JETER has the most hits by a YANKEE of ALL TIME... OF ALL TIME!!!

Bud Selig: People, can we please get back on track. Now that I've introduced the candidates, can we please discuss meaningful MVP reform without any further interrup...

[Man in suit turns off mike, whispers in Selig's ear]

TBS Executive: Sorry Bud, your time's up for this show. We've got a 1-hour advertising block to promote Frank TV, and Craig Sager needs this studio to tie-die his suits for the ALDS...

Boston Red Sox at Kansas City Royals, Sep 21, 2009

0157H7 — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 23:00:13 -0000

Sox begin a crucial, critical series against the Kansas City Royals. That is, if they're shooting for the division. If they're shooting for the Wild Card, then this series almost doesn't matter. In any event, there should be a lot of shooting going on. Of fish. In a barrell. Go Sox.

Comment away!

Lineup

Boston Red Sox @ Kansas City Royals

09/21/09 8:10 PM EDT

Boston Red Sox	Kansas City Royals
Jacoby Ellsbury - CF	Willie Bloomquist - RF
Dustin Pedroia - 2B	Mitch Maier - LF
Victor Martinez - C	Billy Butler - 1B
Kevin Youkilis - 1B	Mike Jacobs - DH
Jason Bay - LF	Alberto Callaspo - 2B
David Ortiz - DH	Miguel Olivo - C
Mike Lowell - 3B	Alex Gordon - 3B
Rocco Baldelli - RF	Yuniesky Betancourt - SS
Alex Gonzalez - SS	Josh Anderson - CF

Winning the Division = Statistically Improbable

0157H7 — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 13:26:02 -0000

More photos » by Gail Burton - AP

Boston Red Sox pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka will have to keep pitching well for the Sox to have any shot at the division title. (AP Photo/Gail Burton; caption by E.Coli.)

Browse more photos »

The Red Sox have been playing some great baseball lately. Over the last 10 games, they are 9-1. Some Red Sox fans are starting to believe that the division is within sight.

I hate to be the bringer of bad news, but it is very unlikely that the Sox catch the Yankees and win the AL East.

The Yankees have a 95-55 record at present, with 12 games left in their season. The Red Sox have a 89-59 record and 14 games left. To win the division outright, the Sox have to close a 5 game gap by winning 6 games, and then hold off the Yankees. But let's say the Sox and Yankees finish the season with a tied record. In that case, the division winner is determined by tie-breakers, starting with head-to-head record and then record against the whole division (see here, 10th and 11th paragraphs). The Sox lead in both of those categories right now, so if they can tie the Yankees in record, they ought to win the division.

After the jump, I detail how this plays out practically.

To win the division, it's likely that all the Sox have to do is tie it. Below, I've listed the combination of Sox wins and the maximum Yankee wins in the remaining games that allow a tie of their final records. The numbers in parentheses are the teams' final win totals given those figures.

Sox Wins :: Maximum Yankee Wins

14  (103 wins)       8 (103 wins)
13  (102 wins)       7 (102 wins)
12 (101)                 6 (101 wins)
11 (100)                 5 (100)
10 (99)                   4 (99)
9   (98)                   3 (98)
8   (97)                   2 (97)
7   (96)                   1 (96)
6   (95)                   0 (95)

So, if the Sox win every remaining game (14), the Yankees can still hold them off by going 9-3 the rest of the way. If the Yankees play .500 baseball the rest of the way, they'll win 6 games and Boston will have to win 12 to tie them.

Someone more mathematically gifted than myself can run the numbers on these scenarios and give likelihoods. If you assume that the chance the Yankees lose any game is 50%,* the odds of the Yankees losing each of their last 12 games is 1/2^12, or 1 in 4096, or a 0.02441% chance. Every Yankee win going forward, and every Sox loss, astronomically reduces the chances of the Sox winning the division.

Coolstandings.com currently gives the Sox odds of winning the division as 9.6%. It will take a combination of an utter collape by the Yankees and a miraculous run by the Sox for the latter to win. Dice-K, Wake would have to be superb, the pen would have to hold leads, and our offense would need to be on a tear. It could all happen, but don't bet on it.

*This is pushing it, because the Yankees are a better than average team, so their odds of losing should be below 50%.

Poll

Having read this article, do you think the Sox will win the division?

Definitely. Probability schmobability!

68 votes

Possibly, but the odds are against them.

476 votes

Can a paper cat chase an asbestos mouse through the fires of hell?

176 votes

Math makes my brain hurt.

56 votes

776 votes | Poll has closed