SB Nation User Blog: 54b

You can just hear the wheels turning at ESPN...

54b — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 13:31:21 -0000

Overheard at the ESPN College World Series pre-production meeting this morning...

Neil (ESPN Producer #1): "Hey Bob, any ideas for a storyline for the CWS Championship series?"

Bob (ESPN Producer #2): "Sure Neil, how about we just go with two really talented, well-coached, storied programs go at it for all the marbles? You know, simple, honest, straight-forward."

Neil: "Bob, you’re so basic cable it hurts me to be on the same bandwidth with you...keep this up you’ll be shaving dog butts on Bravo."

Bob: "No, don’t say that Neil, I want to win a CableACE Award so bad it burns when I pee. Tell me what to do. Mold me."

Neil: "Okay, Bob, stay with me here, LSU has barely broken a sweat, right? And they are winning every game by huge margins. Plus, they wear purple, the color of Kings. I'm pretty sure that means they’re the greatest team since the '27 Yankees, probably the BEST COLLEGE BASEBALL TEAM EVER."

Bob: ".I’m with ya, liking it, believing it, feelin’ it, you’re knockin’ I’m openin’. Yeah, baby, let’s do this (awkward chest bump followed by fist bump followed by uncomfortable man hug followed by awkward silence and staring down at the floor)...but what about Texas?"

Neil: "Who? The Longhorns? Whatever, pay them no never mind. They're a bunch of never-will-be's coached by a two-bit drunk. Seriously, it took them 25 innings to beat Boston College. My mom could beat Boston College. Mark my words, Texas is not the story, they're just lucky to be here."

Bob: "We can say that?"

Neil: "Duh, we’re the World Wide Leader. We can say anything we want."

Bob: "I'm so not worthy. Now I know why corporate calls you the Stone Fox. Oh Neil, when you’re right, you’re so right."

Neil: "Of course I’m right, Bob...now let’s go find Erin Andrews and convince her she looks fat in those pants."

Regardless of whatever story ESPN cooks up tonight or even the outcome of this series, there's no doubt this Longhorns team will always have a reservation in our hearts for the ride they've taken on this year.

Best of luck to Augie and the "never-say-die" Texas Longhorns.

Beat LSU,
Burnt Orange Nation

E-S-P-ythagorea-N Theorem

54b — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 14:41:52 -0000

Anybody else starting to enjoy this formula as much as I am...

(ESPN Hype for the latest "greatest player or team" ever) squared x (Formidable but not sexy Longhorns Team) squared = (Bevo Smack Down) squared

(Example)

Overheard during last night’s telecast of the Texas/ASU game from Omaha:

Orel Hershiser: "Of course he’s got a great arm Buttermaker, he’s the best athlete in all of college baseball...but you don’t understand, that’s Mike Leake."

Sean McDonough: "Talk about a loan shark, I borrowed a nickel from him last week and he said if I didn’t give him a dime by Friday, he’d break my arm."

Erin Andrews: "Es un bandido"

Multiplied by...

Orel Hershiser: "Oh no, Texas is down 6-0 to ASU."

Sean McDonough: "Yeah, that’s like 22-0 in Mike Leake dog years."

Erin Andrews: "I’m going to go talk to Augie Burrito."

Equals...

Augie Garrido: "Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?"

Chance Ruffin: "Forget it, he’s rolling."

Augie Garrido: "Hell no, it wasn’t over and when the going gets tough...the tough go out and put 6 on the board against Mike Leake, the greatest thing since the invention of the automatic tampon remover."

Erin Andrews: "Es un Garrido."

Longhorns 10
Sun Devils 6

Enjoy your Texas-sized shite burger, ESPN. If you'd also like the Baked Ass-laska, please start hyping Tebow now so Colt and the Longhorns will have it ready for you by the Rose Bowl.

Sincerely,
Burnt Orange Nation

PS. Cameron Rupp...um...we love you...sorry, panic...we mean, welcome to the Chance Wheeless Mutual of Omaha Appreciation Club.

Curtain Call for Austin "Morning" Wood

54b — Sun, 31 May 2009 12:40:10 -0000

If ever there was a baseball player deserving of a curtain call, it would be Longhorns' reliever Austin Wood for his "Herculean" pitching performance in UT's 3-2 epic victory over Boston College in 25 innings - the longest game in NCAA baseball history.

So just in case he didn't get a curtain call last night (or in the wee hours this morning), BON will certainly give him one now.

Check out this line:

13 innings pitched
41 batters faced (minimum was 39)
2 hits, 4 walks, and 12.1 innings of no-hit ball (yeah, read that again)
14 Strike-Outs (hat tip Caradoc)
169 pitches
And most importantly, NO RUNS

It's also impressive to note that even though the game was played in Austin, UT was not the home team...from the 9th inning on, every time Wood (and Dicharry too) went to the mound, he did so knowing that if he gave up of a run, it was game over.

Hats off to Austin Wood as well as Austin Dicharry - 5 innings of scoreless ball in relief as well to get the win - and the rest of the Longhorns.

You made Burnt Orange Nation very proud.

For fun, help me put this performance into context by likening it to past Longhorn efforts...the only thing I could think of so far was VY's effort in the Rose Bowl against Michigan...just an all-out gutty, refuse-to-lose performance in a non-championship game.

Thoughts? Let's hear'em.

Hook'em.

[UPDATE]: According to "loganck," Austin Wood did get his much deserved curtain call from the very loyal UT crowd...several times from the sound of it.

Travel tips for Columbia

54b — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 21:52:32 -0000

Hi there,

I'm a fellow SB-Nation contributer over at Burnt Orange Nation and I’m working on an article about UT’s 2009 Road Trips as Im sure many Longhorns fans are planning on making the trip to Columbia next October (much to your chagrin I'm sure).

Anyway, I’d really appreciate it if you all review my write-up on Columbia and let me know where I've missed the boat or where you might have some suggestions...particularly in the hotel and restaurant/bar sections.

I've based most of this on what I could find online and the one time I attended a game there. I'm sure helping out a Longhorn isn't tops on your list, but I'd greatly appreciate the help and look forward to next October.

Thanks in advance,

54b

Texas vs. Missouri • Faurot Field • Columbia, MO • October 24, 2009

Overview: Galvanized by the success Mizzou has experienced the last couple of seasons, Tigers fans have rekindled their passion for football, and chances are good that both game tickets and hotel vacancies will be equally scarce on Saturdays in Columbia this fall, especially when the Longhorns come to town.

Transportation: Columbia, Missouri is located on I-70, about a two-hour drive from Lambert-St. Louis International Airport, and around 2-1/2 hours from Kansas City’s MCI airport.

Lodging: Faurot Field is located about a mile south of I-70 at the intersection of Stadium Blvd. and Providence Road there are several hotels and motels located nearby to choose from.

Hampton Inn & Suites, 1225 Fellow’s Place, 573-214-2222

Courtyard by Marriott, 3301 Lemone Industrial Blvd., 573-443-8000

Drury Inn, 1000 Knipp Street, 573-445-1800

Restaurants/Bars: Just north of campus is an expansive shopping and dining area called The District featuring several locally owned and operated restaurants, brew pubs, and bistros.

Harpo’s Bar, 29 S. 10th Street, 573-443-5418

McNally’s Irish Pub & Grill, 7 N. 6th Street, 573-441-1284

Tailgating: Mizzou fans love to pre-game party and are pretty friendly to everyone but Jayhawks fans. Nearly all the parking lots and garages on campus permit open containers on game days and the most popular tailgating spots are in the lots just south and east of the stadium near the Hearnes Center.

Tickets: Memorial Stadium/Faurot Field can accommodate up to 70,000 and the grassy hill beyond the north end zone features open seating. If tickets can’t be secured through Missouri’s ticket office (800-228-7297, mutigers.cstv.com, tickets@missouri.edu), try acquiring tickets online via sites such as eBay or Craig’s list. Scalping is legal near the stadium.

Gameday Traditions: The Big “M” comprised of whitewashed rocks on the hill beyond the north end zone was originally erected before the 1927 homecoming game as a stunt. The school’s nickname was inspired by a group of vigilantes, also called the Missouri Tigers, who banded together to protect the town of Columbia from plundering guerilla bands during the Civil War era. And Mizzou’s mascot, Truman the Tiger, was named after President Harry S. Truman who grew up in Missouri.

Local Attractions: In October, the weather in Columbia is still very nice and there are several great outdoor recreation options to choose from including bike riding on the Katy Trail, golfing at one of the nearby public courses, and taking a guided canoe or kayak tour on the Missouri River.

[UPDATE] - My sincere appreciation to RockM for all the good feedback below and a promise that I will not be bringing a sleeveless Wooderson to patrol the sidelines looking to plant his fun baby's placenta somewhere in Faurot Field.

One thing you guys did fail to mention though, that I've now been made abundantly aware of, is the fact that the Texas game happens to coincide with your Homecoming Weekend, which apparently is a big deal because you all invented homecoming of something like that. Not that the Longhorns want to enter a float in the parade or anything, but if say we crash the House Dec that Neidermeyer and his band of Alphas put together, don't hold it against us.

Loooking forward to the clash next October.

Best regards.

54b

Ever been to Laramie, WY?

54b — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 17:45:54 -0000

Hi there, I'm a fellow SBNation blogger over at Burnt Orange Nation and could really use some help with an article I'm writing about the Texas' 2009 road trips and I know next to nothing about Laramie, Wyoming. I’ve reached out to the local sports editor and a couple of bloggers, but they’ve been about as useful as one sock.

No doubt talking about the home of one of your conference foes isn't high on your list of to dos, but I figured readers of Block U have probably been there a time or two..

If you have and wouldn't mind helping out a Longhorn, I would greatly appreciate any and all suggestions you have on the following topics:

1) Overview: Just your initial thoughts about the town and what a visiting fan should expect...is it a decent football atmosphere, are the fans friendly, is it worth making the trek, etc.

2) Lodging: Hotel/motel recommendations, especially if things are going to book up quick. What alternatives do we have if we can’t stay in Laramie? Where’s the next best thing?

3) Transportation: I’m assuming a rental car is a must for a trip like this, but what about flying in for the game. Where do you recommend flying into and what kind of drive times are fans looking at from places like Denver, Salt Lack City, or Fort Collins. Any other travel transportation tips would be much appreciated.

4) Restaurants/Bars: Just your recs for best places to eat and drink or put a better way, “you can’t leave Laramie without going to (blank)? Also, where are football fans likely to congregate the night before the game.

5) Tailgating: Please set the scene for me...do a lot of people do it, where’s the best place to do it, are there any laws or things fans should know about so they don’t get in trouble.

6) Tickets: What’s the scalping situation...if a fan can’t get a ticket through the school, should they come anyway and scalp. Also, what’s the stadium like. Are there places in the stadium with really bad site lines or sections/rows fans should avoid buying tickets in.

7) Gameday Traditions: Just anything fun about Gameday in Laramie. Does the team or Wyoming fans doing anything visitors should watch out for.

8) Local Attractions: Are there any local attractions or anything on campus worth checking out...also, any tips on side trips? I thought about putting something in here about Yellowstone, Jackson Hole, and the Grand Tetons, but those places look really far away. Still, fans may make a whole a week out of this road trip.

And of course anything else I might have missed.

Feel free to comment below or email me at 54bblog@gmail.com

Thanks in advance,
54b

PS. Still bummed our home and home with Utah was cancelled. I've hiked and gone skiing in the Wassatch (sp) Mountains a few times and absolutely love the area.

#&&$&$&$$$$$$$$&&$$CK!!!!

54b — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 03:00:30 -0000

I'm piss drunk, swaring a blue streak, and my wife is presently clutching the family pet because she's affraid I'm going to go for a record hang time in cat-punting.

I hate blaming the refs for a loss, but I can't help it, the zebras gave Duke the benefit normally reserved for Notre Dame.

I do applaud the effort from the boys in Burnt Orange, but I can't help but feel like Clark Griswold after he opened his Jelly of the Month Christmas Bonus.

If any of you are looking for any last minute gifts for me, I want Coach K brought from his Tobacco Road grato with a Burnt Orange Bow wrapped around his rat face so I can tell him what a low down, scum sucking, ass licking, four flushing, brainless, hopeless, dickless sack of monkey shit he is.

Holy shit, pass the Tylenol.

If you need to bitch, go ahead and get it out here. We'll let the rational people have the main page. And we can delete this thread later (when we're sober.)

F me in the goat's ass.

Gameday Signs for Texas/Duke

54b — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 21:01:04 -0000

You know how Duke fans love their gameday signs...here's a few I'm guessing they won't appreciate all that much...

Br'er Barnes is at home in the Greensboro Patch

The Abrams-ham Lincoln Beard scares Chuck Norris

Dex says Gerald's forearm needs salt

Dex-A-Trim makes Duke The Biggest Loser

Turkish Delight makes Duke puke

Barack's Just Not That Into Duke

Coach K's safety word is "Laettner"

Coach K knows the secret of NIMH

Blue Devils are French - just like their defense

Brainy Smurf was too cool for the Cameron Crazies

Our b-ball team could beat Duke's football team

UT's Law School shits bigger than yours

Hey, even Ralph beat the smart kids once

Signs for Texas vs. Minnesota

54b — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 15:46:13 -0000

You know...just in case you'll be in the Greater Greensboro area later today...

"Au revoir, Gopher."

You live in a hole

(Sign 1) Nice Gopher
(Sign 2) Thanks, I just had it stuffed

Pipe down Gophers or we'll beat you like Chuck-E-Cheese

Ski-U-Mah in Sioux actually means "suck it white devil"

Red & Yellow killed the Jell-O

"Gotta chubby for Tubby?"

Ralph Sampson, III wears Bad Idea Genes

Hoffarbering is an Icelandic mating ritual

First time at a dance this big?

Tim Brewster is rooting for Texas

Got Minnesota's #? You betcha

"Prepare to be Bro-manced"

Dexter heard gophers help lower your cholesterol

Even Ace Ventura - Minnesota Governor can't help you

I-35 bragging rights on the line

We piss bigger than your lakes

Good luck Team Canada

All Can Be Forgiven With One Shining Comment

54b — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 19:30:46 -0000

No doubt the loss to Baylor hurt us all deep down in places we don't like to talk about...unless, of course, we're posting anonymously online. And much to the chagrin of our fearless editor, many of you worked through your frustrations by posting mean-spirited and sometimes ignorant rants on the BON during and after the Baylor game. But please don't retreat to those forums where you can rant unencumbered by common decency or facts. PB didn't really mean it when he said you should migrate over to TexAgs. In fact he confided in me that he's not really mad at you, he's just trying to come to grips with his forbidden love for Sexy Dex and his chocoliciously smooth moves. (But don't tell him I told you that, it's his secret and his alone to bare.)

Anyway, at auspicious times like these, the BON community reluctantly (and unknowingly) reaches out to me to pinpoint the problem and assuage our collective anger. I'm usually too drunk to respond with anything cogent or coherent, so I just prescribe pestalling your little brother's Ritalin and snorting it up your nose.

But I'm not going to do that today. No, I'm going to go all Dr. Phil up on your asses with a little Monday morning armchair quarterback psychoanalysis...

It's no secret that unabashed Longhorn Football fans have had a love-hate-what's-your-name-again relationship with Texas Basketball. If we can expect and demand that the Longhorns win every football game, what makes basketball so immune to unrealistic expectations and obsessive vitriol when they lose? And that's hard to reconcile. When you think about it, in many ways our relatively brief but turbulent affair with UT Basketball has been eerily reminiscent of our first foray into dating.

Hearken back to Jr. High (unless you're still there), when your hormones were raging, when you were "combing your hair" two or three times a day behind a heavily fortified bathroom door, and when girls were just as much of a mystery to you as was the Shepherd's Pie in the cafeteria. Like UT basketball now, you had an unfamiliar and sometimes unhealthy fascination with the opposite sex then. You knew you liked girls and strategically plotted ways to accidentally bump into them in the halls at school, but you were completely at a loss when it came to expressing your feelings about them. And during one of those dreaded occasions when you were forced to put your love on the line, probably at a school dance or letting the smart but lazy hot girl cheat off you in algebra, it felt like your world was going to end if that affection went unrequited. Maybe you even took the yearbook picture of the object of your unattainable desire, ripped it up, and rearranged the pieces ironically in Picaso-style on her locker earning yourself a 3-day vacation from school and a visit to the school psychiatrist. Hey, it wasn't completely your fault. Like A-Rod, you were young, dumb, and hopped up on hormones.

So where was I...ah yes, UT Basketball. Just because you don't know what a moving pick is or understand why Barnes gives Matt Hill quality minutes, don't take your frustrations out on the BON or other community members and then retreat to the unconditional love of your action figure collection. Did that kind of defeatist attitude get you to second base with Becky Culpepper? No, and it won't help you become an effective communicator on BON basketball threads either.

Fortunately for you my spiteful friends, the Longhorns' b-ball season isn't over. It's true. We've got the NCAA Tourney coming up. That's right, The BIG DANCE. And just like the Back-to-School New Faces Jam back in middle school, you're going to have to face your fear, overcome ignorance, and put your heart on the line if you want to stay online. Just think positively and if you can't type something nice about another commenter or intelligent about the latest Longhorn f*ck up, maybe sit that song out. But promise me you'll give faith (and Zoloft) a fighting chance. And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance. I hope you dance during The Big Dance.

You got chills, right...and that last line sounds really familiar for some reason but you don't want to admit that you recognize it even sitting all by yourself at your computer. That's okay, 54b understands. Sometimes love is inappropriate, just like back in Junior High.

Just in case, here's a little more inspiration for the upcoming week...

ONE SHINING COMMENT

The ball is tipped
and there you are
you're posting on the BON
you're rooting from afar
And you have no fear
because no one knows
just who the hell you are
but you can post...
ONE SHINING COMMENT, TYPE "NT" IF IT'S ONLY ONE LINE
ONE SHINING COMMENT, THERE FROZEN IN TIME

But time is short
and the thread is long
in the blinking of an eye
that comment's gone
And when you click Post
win or lose
you always spelled your best
cuz inside you knew...
(that) ONE SHINING COMMENT, YOU REACHED DEEP INSIDE
ONE SHINING COMMENT, YOU KNEW YOU WERE ONLINE

Feel the beat of your heart
feel the smile on your face
it's not really a contest
but it seems like a race...

And when you hit Post
win or lose
you always spelled your best
cuz inside you knew...
(that) ONE SHINING COMMENT, IT DIDN'T HURT YOU TO TRY
ONE SHINING COMMENT, YOU POSTED
ONE SHINING COMMENT, THEN YOU WAITED FOR A REPLY
ONE SHINING COMMENT....

Been to Laramie, WY? Click Here

54b — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 22:43:09 -0000

This is shameless and probably inappropriate for a fan post, but I'm desperate...

Writing an article about UT’s 2009 road trips for PB’s Preview Guide and I know next to nothing about Laramie, Wyoming. I’ve reached out to the local sports editor and a couple of bloggers, but they’ve been about as useful as one purple sock.

So if you’ve ever spent any time in Laramie or know somebody who has, I would greatly appreciate any and all suggestions you have on the following topics:

1) Overview: Just your initial thoughts about the game...is this going to be the biggest thing that ever came to Laramie, or will the locals hardly take notice and be glad when we’ve come and gone.

2) Lodging: Hotel/motel recommendations, especially if things are going to book up quick. What alternatives do we have if we can’t stay in Laramie? Where’s the next best thing?

3) Transportation: I’m assuming a rental car is a must for a trip like this, but what about flying in for the game. Where do you recommend flying into and what kind of drive times are fans looking at from places like Denver, Salt Lack City, or Fort Collins. Any other travel transportation tips would be much appreciated.

4) Restaurants/Bars: Just your recs for best places to eat and drink or put a better way, “you can’t leave Laramie without going to (blank)? Also, where are football fans likely to congregate the night before the game.

5) Tailgating: Just set the scene for me...do a lot of people do it, where’s the best place to do it, are there any laws or things fans should know about so they don’t get in trouble.

6) Tickets: What’s the scalping situation...if a fan can’t get a ticket through the school, should they come anyway and scalp. Also, what’s the stadium like. Are there places in the stadium with really bad site lines or sections/rows fans should avoid buying tickets in.

7) Gameday Traditions: Just anything fun about Gameday in Laramie. Does the team or Wyoming fans doing anything visitors should watch out for.

8) Local Attractions: Are there any local attractions or anything on campus worth checking out...also, any tips on side trips? I thought about putting something in here about Yellowstone, Jackson Hole, and the Grand Tetons, but those places look really far away. Still, fans may make a whole a week out of this road trip.

And of course anything else I might have missed.

Feel free to comment below or email me at 54bblog@gmail.com

Thanks in advance,
54b