SB Nation User Blog: 54b

54b's Commentary - On The Road To Pasadena

54b — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:29:04 -0000

Dear 54b,

It has come to our attention that you're a few hours short and not on track to complete all of your required commentaries this season. And we may have to suspend you. Also, have you per chance been at Deion Sanders' "crib" researching means for foregoing your amateur writing status. We deposed Mr. Sanders and he said he was teaching you how to play "Must Be The Money" on your electric kazoo?

Just tell us the truth. And remember, you don't lie to us, you lie to girls.

Every breath you take,
The NCAA

To the NCAA and the three of you who noticed, my deepest appreciation and sincerest apologies for the lack of ignorance spreading commentaries over the past month, also known as Colt's "Blue Flu Renaissance" period. If only I could blame my lack of "offensive" prose production on depleted electrolytes or a thumbnail that prevented me from typing the letter "b" on the keyborad. Unfortunately, my only excuse is life happening to me while I was busy making other plans to go to Pasadena on January 7.

Though, one helpful commenter did post this very plausible explanation: "Something suddenly came up after 54b found out Cat Osterman did ‘Kitty Porn' for ESPN The Magazine's Body Issue. (scroll down on the page)" I can neither confirm nor deny, but anything is better than asking Dez Bryant to explain where I wasn't, so let's just go with a non-denial denial like everybody else.

Not that you needed me to explain my unexcused absence or that an explanation is ever necessary when famous softball player decides to nude it up in a dugout (how apropos) with three of her teammates. But just in case demand accountability like I apparently don't and somehow missed it in the "Behind the Sticky Curtain" potpourri section of Bevo's Daily Roundup, Osterman had this to say about the risqué photo on her blog:

"Well, the ESPN The Magazine Body Issue came out. I know it shocked some people, but I am very happy with how it turned out. I believe it's ok to show off the body I have worked hard for. It was a tasteful piece..." (Oh yeah, that's what she said!)

Translation: "If I have to saddle up on a rolling cooler Godiva-style to get men to stop oppressing professional women's sports and start objectifying them, then so be it...and hey, it's not like I was photographed spread eagle choking up on a Easton or anything."

(Darkness...awkward silence...phone ringing off in the distance..."hello Peter, this is the FCC")

Okay, where was I again, oh yeah, being tasteful.

On to the commentary...

When last we conversed, the Longhorns were headed into the bye week fresh off a 64-7 crushing of the UTEP Miners from El Paso. So que paso since then?

Let me ‘splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up...Buttercup is marry Humperdink in little less than half an hour...whoops, wrong summation. But you are going to need the Albino's wheelbarrow to carry the amount of bull I'm about to shovel your way. Here we go (deep breath):

Texas got a scare from the Buffaloes coached by the beleaguered Dan Hawkins who succumbed to pressure and "denepotized" his son telling young Cody to "go play intramurals" and despite the 38-14 come-from-behind win and some extra special mustard on special teams and outstanding Muschampion Era Defense, the media and the masses pronounced the Longhorns' unfit for physical fitness, especially the O-Line who has spent the first five weeks of the season experimenting with an unorthodox matador-style blocking scheme. "Ole!"

(Exhale...Inhale)

Personally, I just thought the Texas Offense was bored. But that theory didn't even last as long as global warming. Six days later the UT only scored one TD and barely squeaked by, 16-13, against a Bradford-less OU team coached by the now irrelevant Big Shame Bob who recently published a children's book called "Everybody Poops On Stoops." And even though any kind of win over OU should warrant an endless West Coast celebration replete with copious amounts of alcohol and UT coeds gone wild at Jamarcus McFarland's mom's house, many Longhorns fans spent the better part of the week after the Red River Rivalry mired in a funk over UT's offensive ineptitude. I too sobbed inconsolably because, "this is my senior year, I paid for these pom-poms with my own money and you guys don't even care."

Something had to give before the trip to Mizzou and fortunately it was the gift that keeps on giving (no, not herpes)...

(Cue classic 80's music montage...should we go with Vision Quest - Louden vs. Shute pre-match masturbatory weigh in? No, Modine never could hold his mud though I think his prematurity had more to Linda Fiorintino. Regardless, let's go with the always reliable Rocky IV - Siberian Exile Anthem)

Colt's Burning Heart (Performed by Blind Tiger, a Survivor cover band, and with lyrics explained by me)

Two worlds collide (Greg Davis vs. inertia?)
Rival nations (Texas and Missouri rivals? Close enough)
It's a primitive clash (the beatings will continue our SOS improves)
Venting last year's frustrations (2008 blew a .018 on the suckalyzer)

Bravely we hope against all hope (Can we do that? Yes we can)
There is so much at stake (like non-refundable plane tickets to LA)
Seems our undefeated season's up against the ropes (I picked the wrong season to quit sniffing glue)

Does the crowd understand (nope, sorry, we're up to our ears in beers)
Is it East versus West (actually Big XII North vs. South)
Or man against man (Muschamp knocks out Drago in 3 rounds, no doubt)
Can Burnt Orange Nation stand alone (a table for one can be fun)

In Colt's burning heart (Mack said he had a fever)
Just about to burst (and the prescription actually was more cowbell)
There was a quest for answers (and some pass protection)
An unquenchable thirst (for a Pedialyte I.V.)

In the darkest night (ABC Primetime Winter Solstice Spectacular)
Rising like a spire (actually a tower lit orange),
In Colt's burning heart (camera 2 stay on Colt's girlfriend at all times)
An unmistakable fire (Musburger says, "folks, Colt's back and he's hotter than a $2 pistol").

And victory was UT's alone as the much maligned Longhorns offense got salty at the Pinkel Petting Zou and walked out of Columbia with a statement making 41-7 victory. Exactly what statement did they make? I don't know, we'll just have to wait until the media gets done giving the SEC a courtesy reach-around. "Oh my name's Houston Nutt and I look at other conferences and wish we could play them instead because that's where I go shopping for quarterbacks." Here's a news flash: maybe playing great defense is not necessarily a sign of toughness, rather a clue that your offenses suck. Agree to disagree, we'll settle this in January.

Okay, one thing Texas fans do know right now is that Greg Davis somehow fixed the hyperdrive on the offense just in time for the...

De Facto Big XII Championship in Stillwater

Not that we haven't known that every game was a must-win this season, but if the unimaginable happened and Texas actually lost to OSU, most likely the Cowboys would have gone to the Big XII Championship, the Horns would have gone to the Toilet Bowl, and Colt's tenure at UT would have been deemed an unequivocal failure. Yeah, read that again and think about it.

With that kind of pressure and those kind of stakes, was there any way I wasn't headed north of the Red River to make waves Stillwater last Saturday?

Road Trip Diary - Halloween, 2009

5:59am - Hugging my still sleeping 5-year old son goodbye and feeling the dampness of his pillow from tears cried for an absent father who would not be there to take him trick or treating...I imagined the not too distant future when my son calls me to say, "Sorry, dad, can't be at your surgery, got tickets to see the Longhorns," as I smile with a tear in my eye just as the catheter is being inserted with karmic precision by a clumsy orderly with poor depth perception while I let out a very audible, "that's...my boyyyy."

6:07am - Walking out into the morning chill to find an even colder co-pilot not amused by my 7 minute delay. Clay-o, who keeps spitting in the face of fate by joining me on these crusades, had rented a very spiffy silver Pontiac Vibe, but apparently wasn't feeling it despite the 12-inch faux mahogany gear shifter that was practically mounted on the dashboard...I tried to explain my need to console my disconsolate son, but it was hard to talk over the mighty roar of the Vibe's 2-cylinder engine. So I just smiled and did my best 1970's disco lawn mower move much to his chagrin as he rolled the car backwards to get enough torque in the coils on the back axel to get us all the way to Stillwater. Zoom-zoom.

7:22am - Behold the majestic Red River with poetic steam rising from its tranquil waters as the jealous sun rises in the East shedding magnificent, pure light on all the perverts departing the DW Adult Border Book Store like vampires that went hoggin, bit off more than they could suck, and forgot to change their watches to daylight savings time. Nothing says the recession is over and the terrorists lose like a brown bag full of porn in the morning.

7:47am - Running down the hill behind the abandoned weigh station near Paul's Valley yelling, "I told you not to order me the Venti." Upon returning to the car after making a new tributary in the Red River, Clay simply frowned and said, "you know, when it comes to bladders, you got the short end of the dick."

8:13am - Standing at the counter at McDonalds having this conversation...

"I'll have a sausage-egg biscuit and a water."
"Do you want the value meal?"
"Is it cheaper that way?"
"Yes, and it comes with a hash brown."
"Nice, but I don't dig on spuds, can I substitute for the apples?"
"Yes, do you want the caramel dipping sauce?"
"Tempting, but no unless Clay wants to dunk McBurito in it."
(Into the microphone) "I need one #4...it's for a Longhorn."
"What...are they going to spit Swine Flu in it?"
"If you're lucky."

8:42am - Passing through the belly of the beast also known as Norman, Oklahoma. Clay tries to temper my desire to stop and deface the "Welcome to Bradford Country" billboard by pointing out how beautiful the Waffle House looks this time of year. "Freakin' Sooners, I'd like to give them a piece of my..."Mmmm, waffles...but can't we just stop and yell OU sucks...maple syrup...and tell Bob Stoops to kiss my...grits and hot links." Before I know it, we're in OKC and my Boomer outburst has subsided.

9:01am - Time to wake up Clark, Clay's brother, who drove to OKC the night before and stayed at the very affordable Knights Inn...

"Clark W, wake the *$*# up?"
"Noooooo, you guys go on, I'm staying in bed."
"Why, are you stuck to the sheets?"
"I actually brought my own sheets and pillow, thank you."
"Seriously? Did you bring your own toilet paper too?"
"No, forgot that...have to settle for the one-ply."
"Wow, might as well just use your hand."
"Yeah, okay...I'll meet y'all at Joe's."
"Wait...does your bed have Magic Fingers?"
"What?"
"You know, Magic Fingers, that vibrate the bed for a quarter."
"No, but I think the guy at the front desk gives massages."
"To complete?"
"I don't know, bye..."
"Wait, don't forget to put an extra $20 on the nightstand and tell him your safety word..."

10:11am - Turning onto Hwy 51 towards Stillwater, I think it only appropriate to sing OSU's new fight song, "Cowboys Forever," and translate it for Clay...

The prairie wind touches our skin (OSU built their new stadium using T. Boone's Wind Energy junk bonds)
Another maverick morning begins (He's now a greeter at Wal-Mart like his friend, John McCain)
Wild west eyes rise before the sun (You can often find him shooting dice at the Winstar Casino until dawn)
We are the young guns on the run (The bank is threatening to foreclose on Pickens Stadium)
Hang'em high, pistols to the sky (Pistol Pete reminds you to get regular prostate exams)
We ride, we ride, ‘cross the line (T. Boone will be in Mexico hiding out until further notice)

10:46pm - Sittin' fat and happy upstairs at Eskimo Joe's under the Joe Dome (retractable glass roof) once again staring at the cornucopia of glutinous options that make up Joe's "everything comes with cheese fries" Gameday Menu and lamenting the fact that my pants are sans elastic waistband. "Chancho, get me some sweats."

11:52am - Making my inaugural contribution at the Eskimo Joe's urinal trough when I hear the words that are forbotten even in German men's rooms, "hey, man, can you give me a hand?" Um, yeah, pee time's over boys. I think you want the guy in stall with the wide stance. I quickly zipped up and wheeled around to find what I thought were two hefty OSU Cowboys speed skaters wearing bright orange leotards and donning pumpkin helmets. Can't picture it? Just imagine two oranges with toothpicks for legs. Anyway, apparently, when squeezing into their costumes, these two space cadets failed to account for biology and required assistance from one another to jettison their garbage before making the jump to nerd speed.

1:33pm - Carefully constructing my Eskimo Joe's plastic cup Beeramid when what to my wandering eyes should appear, but a plump OSU coed who underestimated her jeans' ability to conceal her derriere. Polite society says that cleavage is like the sun and you're not supposed to stare at it. But I think Emily Post needs to add a chapter on butt cleavage, because it too is like staring at the sun...well actually a sun that has exploded and created a black hole that might suck you in if you stare at it too long.

3:02pm - Clay reminds me about my promise to Mack that I'd always be willing to blow .018 (margin on last year's BCS snub) more on the breathalyzer to win a National Championship, and he promptly marches us across the Rubicon by ordering a round of Jack & Diets. Why Diet Coke instead of regular you ask? I don't know. I guess it's sort of conscience appeasing...technically I'm putting poison into my liver, but at least I'm watching my figure. I think it's the paradox that drives us to drink. It's a battle of wills and in the heat of the Joe Dome, it's the passion that swills. Even on Halloween candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.

(If you're playing at home, that's two Rocky IV references for the price of one...I'm so making up for lost wasted time.)

4ish - Jack & Diets are no longer doing it for me so in my infinite inebriation, I decided to order a Jack & Diet, hold the Diet with a mashed up cherry in it - also known as an Old Fashion. Apparently this did not go over well with the waiter who looked at me like I just called him Timmy and propositioned him a Worther's Original so he'd come sit on my lap. But to his credit, he did return with an Old Fashion in an actual glass. And they say professional courtesy is dead.

5ish - So a Ghostbuster, the Karate Kid, and Cousin Eddie walk into a bar...no, that's not a joke. It's just your average Halloween in the Joe Dome. The 80's Dream Team was sitting next to us and everything was going swimmingly until the two orange spandex blobs reappeared to harass the Ghostbuster in a duel to the nerdiest, a guy dressed in a Cobra Kai outfit tried to sweep Daniel-son's leg, and Cousin Eddie announced that the Eskimo Joe shitter was full. Yep, time to leave.

The Game

Described using actual quotes with increasing levels of sobriety and decreasing levels of anxiety:

1st Quarter - "Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom"

Too busy inhaling a roasted turkey leg at a feverish pace to notice O-Sisyphus-U rolling the football down the field only to watch it implode every time they got near the end zone...Texas 17-0, about what I expected...shyeaah, right.

2nd Quarter - (Addressing the stadium Public Address announcer) "We're not visitors, we're Texas, you asshole."

My language was uncalled for, especially if you ask the elderly lady in front of me who nearly swallowed her Polydent after my outburst, but I felt justified in taking the Okie State PA announcer to task for calling us "visitors" and crapping himself every time the Cowboys got a first down...Texas up 24-7, starting to unclench sphincter.

3rd Quarter - "Hey Okie State, I love your orange uniforms. Maybe we can go pick up trash tomorrow on Highway 51. Meet me at the Days Inn. You can share my free continental breakfast. I don't know what that comes with but I'm pretty sure it comes with a piece of cantaloupe, which also looks like your uniforms."

Forget it, I don't even know what that means...Texas up 41-7, I'm now violating personal spaces of everyone around me with uncomfortably long hugs and head rubs (not that head).

4th Quarter - "I went trick or treating at Deion's house and all I got was a one year suspension."

You all wondered where to draw the line, yeah, well I passed it about 30 miles back. Not exactly making us proud with that one...Texas up 41-14, and I'm now openly calling travel agents to make arrangements to fly to LA for the title game and eat breakfast with the Chipmunks at Disney Land. Seriously, you got to book that early. It fills up. Just a tip. Thank me never.

Of course, UT's dominating win over OSU would be all for not if the Horns don't win the...

Next Game

So let's see here...11am kick off against a team some of our own players don't even know the name of only a few days after an extremely emotional three-week gauntlet. Um, yeah, here's betting Royal Memorial feels more like a waiting room at a doctor's office on Saturday than it does a cauldron of barely contained chaos.

But hear me yesterday and listen to me tomorrow, for those of you who aren't taking Coach George O'Leary and the Golden Knights seriously, let us not forget that this is a man who was willing to lie on his resume to get a job at Notre Dame. That means he lied to God even though he knew God knew that he was lying. That's pretty desperate even for an Irishman. There's no telling what ends he's willing to penetrate to derail UT's season. So put that in your chicken and choke it...wait, is that how the line goes? Never mind.

As for whether the Horns will keep the dream alive, you don't need a Magic 8 Ball or a Deion deposition to tell you that, you just need the...

Unpredictable Prediction

I predict that at least one perturbed newb writes the following Fan Post next week...

Dear BON,

I never thought this would happen to me, but I walked in on two exotic dancers and a midget holding a car battery with alligator clamps attached to...sorry, I mean my sister who goes to UT-Austin won two tickets to the Texas vs. Central Florida game at the Kinsolving Dorm Halloween Movie Marathon Slumber Party Pot Luck Jamboree. They didn't want the girls without dates to feel left out. Nobody should be alone on Halloween.

Anyway, she chose to take me (lucky) to the UCF game and I will tell you up front that I'm from north of the Mason Dixon line (ha-ha, LMAO, you can keep your jokes). But I've always been a Longhorns fan my whole life ever since I saw Ricky Williams in a wedding dress. And Saturday was my first time ever to see Texas play in person you know. We sat in the upper deck and even arrived 45 minutes early.

Well, pardon my Canadian, but I've just got to say, Longhorns fans suck. I mean half the stadium was empty the whole game and the fans that were there showed up late, drunk, and sat on their hands the whole time. My sister and I of course cheered our patooties off and did the best version of Spirit Fingers we've ever done, honest. Don't believe me here's my Flickr account...I told you. Okay, if that link doesn't work, here's my Facebook, but don't try to friend me, it's too late...unless you really want to be my friend...serious BFFs need only apply.

So that's it. I just wanted you all to know that I was very disappointed in our school spirit. I also had to call my uncle and tell him he was right, Northern Illinois fans are much awesomer. So thanks for that.

Sincerely,
Thad-182 (and sister)

PS. Game was awesome, Texas 52, Knights in Gold Tights 9...love your site.

Quote Of The Week

(Cue theme music from the movie Glory)

"Our theme now will be to cheer to the standard of the best fan base in the country. Longhorns fans shouldn't want to be the best in the country, they should need to be. And we can improve in so many areas. I know I for one could get off the barstool and get to the game a little earlier. I could raise my Horns a little higher during kick-offs also watching my spacing with other fans. And I could wear a shirt that's even more burnt and even more oranger. Sure we Texas fans are good right now, but we can get better.

"The other thing that I challenge all UT fans with is if you are going to be a great fan base that cheers for a team that goes undefeated, you have to be excited to play every week, and that's hard to do. A lot of fans can't do that because they don't get enough fiber, but that's part of the magic of being great fans. You have to be able to get rid of Oklahoma State yesterday, and you have to be able to get ready for Central Florida like now. If you can't do that then you are not one of the best fan bases in the country."

Hook'em,
54b

Road Trip Travel Tips - Stillwater, OK

54b — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 17:57:15 -0000

Texas vs. Oklahoma State • Boone Pickens Stadium • Stillwater, OK • October 31, 2009

(Repost from the Travel Tips article in The Eyes of Texas Preview Guide along with some UPDATES)

Overview: With a generous donation from super booster T. Boone Pickens, Oklahoma State recently renovated their stadium making OSU a lot more attractive to potential big name recruits. That coupled with a new do-whatever-it-takes-to-win attitude instilled in the team by fiery Head Coach Mike Gundy has made Stillwater a much more imposing place to play. And with several key players returning for OSU this season, Cowboys players and fans alike will be chomping at the bit to avenge several heartbreaking losses to the Longhorns in recent years.

UPDATE: Most UT fans had this game circled well before the season started. A lot has happened since then to make this one of the most unpredictable seasons in Big XII history, but the TX/OSU game still looms large and at this point, looks to be the de facto Big XII Championship.

Travel tips after the jump...

Transportation: Stillwater is located 65 miles northeast of Oklahoma City and 71 miles due west of Tulsa. It takes just over an hour to drive there from the airports in either city. Driving conditions in Oklahoma are pretty leisurely, so even fans coming in from places as far away as Dallas shouldn't hesitate to make the drive.

Lodging: Hotel options in Stillwater are extremely limited and with the majority of fans attending the game from both schools requiring accommodations, making reservations far in advance isn't just recommended, it's required. If there are no vacancies, staying in Guthrie or Edmond (just north of OKC) is a good alternative.

UPDATE: Hotels in Stillwater have been booked solid for this Saturday night for quite a while now. However, I do have a friend who recently booked a room in Guthrie about two weeks ago. If you're still looking, there may be some vacancies in some hotels on the north side of OKC (about an hour and half from Stillwater depending on traffic).

Restaurants/Bars: Even people who have never been to Stillwater know of Eskimo Joe's because of the iconic T-shirts sold there featuring a smiling Eskimo and his smiling husky. The "Jumpin' Little Juke Joint" is a sports bar of the highest order and easily the most popular place to be in Stillwater on Saturdays in the fall. It fills up fast, so get there early and order Joe's famous cheese fries. The pizza at Hideaway around the corner is quite good too.

As for post-game bars, there are a slew of them over on Washington Street, also known as "the strip," located just south of campus.

54b's Picks:

Eskimo Joe's, 501 W. Elm Avenue, 405-372-8896

Hideaway (Pizza), 230 S. Knoblock Street, 405-372-477

Shortcakes (All-Night Diner), 219 N. Main Street, 405-624-1057

Dirty Dog Tavern, 421 S. Washington Street, 405-385-0244

Murphy's Bar, 306 S. Washington Street, 405-743-2983

Tailgating: Parking near the stadium is limited, especially for the general public, so most fans park in the adjacent neighborhoods and congregate in the makeshift beer gardens located in the parking areas of local establishments located near Eskimo Joe's on Elm Street prior to kick-off. The best tailgating can be found in the "OSU Posse Lot," located just south of the stadium.

Tickets: Securing tickets before arrival through online auction sites or even a 3rd party ticket source like Stubhub is recommended due to the high demand for this game.

Gameday Traditions: Oklahoma State has a couple of mascots, one being "Pistol Pete," whose name and likeness are modeled after Deputy US Marshal Frank Eaton, a late 1800's gunslinger who became famous for tracking down and shooting the perpetrators who murdered his father. The other mascot is Bullet, a black horse that sprints onto the field before the game and after every OSU touchdown. Lastly, after the OSU offense makes a first down, visitors to Pickens Stadium will be hard-pressed not to notice the very audible Public Address announcer exclaiming, "And that's another Cowboy," and prompting the crowd to scream, "First Down!"

Local Attractions: For the avid golfer, there are several public and private golf courses of note in the area including 5-Star Karsten Creek, home of the 10-tiime National Champion OSU Golf Team.

Sunday Supper - Week 6

54b — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 00:01:10 -0000

"When Chekhov saw the long fall, he saw a football season bleak and dark and bereft of hope. Yet we know that winning ugly is just another step towards winning a National Championship. But being here among the over reactionary members of Burnt Orange Nation and basking in the warmth of their hearths, hearts, and collective anxiety, I couldn't imagine a better fate than a long and insane football season."

My heartfelt condolences to all Longhorns fans for our loss. Dropping a whole spot in the latest poll, from #2 to #3, has cast a pall over my fragile psyche and made me feel not good...I'm so cold. Please, hold me, but don't judge me.

Come on, you know you want it. You know you need it. How 'bout a big BON family group hug before we sit down to break bread and each other's balls at the never stable Sunday Supper table...

Usually I spend most of this weekly post touching upon the national scene, but it was actually a pretty pedestrian weekend in the world of college football, and since we're having a crisis here in Longhorn land, we'll hang here for a while...

"Game over, man. GAME OVER. The #$*& are we gonna do now?" - Last week I wrote that Texas' toughest regular season opponent may very well be apathy. And I don't think anyone would disagree - including the players - that UT came out flat Saturday night. You can blame them all you want, but it's understandable considering the entire week leading up to the game all everyone was talking about was how bad the Buffaloes stunk and how coach Dan Hawkins should tell his QB son to go play intramurals because this is DIVISION I FOOTBALL!!! Hell, the main article on the front page of the Statesman's sports page Saturday was, "What's Wrong With Colorado?" (I know because I was using it to pick up my dog's morning steamer.)

Now the only thing anyone wants to talk about is, "What's Wrong with the Texas offense?" Well let me be the last one to say that there probably isn't anything wrong with "it." At this point, I'm just not willing to claim that this is a personnel issue or that Texas is lacking in talent in any key area (though I don't think we've come close to replacing Quan Cosby yet). In my hubristic opinion, it's simply a lack of focus. Running the ball, finding the open receiver, not playing tip drills with Colt's passes, etc...that's all execution at this point for an experienced offense like the Longhorns role out. That was evident at the end of the 2nd quarter when Colt & Co. finally sniffed what Greg was shovelin', and marched down the field in 8 plays, scoring with ease.

My hunch is that when push comes to shove, UT will answer the bell. If the silver lining to Saturday's frustrating offensive output, it's probably that the Horns will be all the more focused going into the Red River Shootout where you know apathy is never an issue and claiming ignorance (about what to expect from the other team) is never an excuse. I think the bigger concern isn't the Sooners, how the Horns maintain their focus over the following weeks in Columbia and Stillwater.

"He's on a boat (he's on a boat). He's on a boat (he's on a boat). Everybody look at Colt throw a ball to Shipley on a boat (Shipley on a boat)." - If you're still demanding an explanation for the Longhorns lethargic offense in the first halves of games and inconvenient truths like influenza, the news that Pedialyte quit making Colt's favorite flavor - Diarrhea Grape, and unnamed sources confirming the crusts weren't cut off McCoy's pre-game PB&J, won't appease you, then I offer this explanation up instead: "they're BORED."

Seriously, I think if we put the entire UT receiving corps on roller skates and Colt on a Vespa, his completion percentage would be like 80% again. The Texas offense is like the smart kid in elementary school that all the teachers wrongly diagnosed with A.D.D. The Texas O is not fidgety or unable to do their work without being sent to the isolated desk facing the wall, they're bored. If you want to get their attention, scare them.

"You Longhorns...you lollygag the ball down the field. You lollygag your way around the Red Zone. You lollygag on and off the field. You know what that makes you? Lollygaggers!"

As for the rest of college football, which we have no time to give two sh*ts about so screw them...

"You know - TCB - Taking Care Of Business." - The main storyline of week 6 was there was no storyline. For the first time all season, we didn't witness any major upset. Only four teams in the Top 25 lost and three of them were losses to higher ranked opponents.

Unranked Arkansas did spank #17 Auburn and I'm sure a few people were surprised that Tiger OC (and former Razorback OC) Gus Malzahn didn't have a few more tricks up his sleeve for his return to the house that Nutt cut, but I don't think it can be construed as a big upset considering Petrino's had the Hog offense rolling and Auburn's undefeated start had a lot a do with playing weaker competition.

No doubt some national pundits are starting to circulate similar sentiments about the Longhorns and will undoubtedly predict that Texas will be the next Top 10 team to get exposed as overrated once they play some decent competition. Well the only response to say to that is, "opinions are like assholes, everybody's got one." Including me. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to track down some black market Diarrhea Grape Pedialyte.

By the way, this just in, OU Sucks. No really, they do.

54b

Sunday Supper

54b — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 20:49:32 -0000

More photos » by Victor Calzada - AP

The post-game posture of many highly-ranked teams this season. (AP Photo/Victor Calzada)

Browse more photos »

Gather round the table BONer fam and let's talk college football...don't know if Sunday Supper will become a weekly staple, but there seems to be three or four big storylines that develop every fall Saturday and yesterday was no exception despite the dearth of what most would deem "big games."

Most of the topics I'll touch upon below have been mentioned to some extent in the comments on the various threads, but I figured it would be good to consolidate them for further discussion. So here we go...

"I thought you said you were packin' XII inches" - Attention Big XII conference apologists, get ready to be roasted by the punditry and the masses this week and probably for the rest of the season. Despite being depleted by injuries, OU was still technically ranked in the Top 10 going into this weekend, and their game last night against the Canes was probably the Big XII's last opportunity to earn some national respect between now and the post season.

Other than OSU's win over Georgia, the Big XII as a whole really hasn't had a signficant non-conference win. Folks might even start calling us the "Pac XII," as the conference will undoubtedly be chastised for the same reason the Pac 10 has been ridiculed in previous seasons - having one dominant team and a bunch of also-rans. Making matters worse, Texas, as the dominant team, hasn't had the opportunity to prove its prowess on the field after four wins over less than spectacular competition.

And now that we're entering conference play, any win over a fellow Big XII opponent will be met with additional skepticism voiced with the always irritating: "Yeah, but who have they beaten?"

All the Longhorns can do now is put their heads down and go about the business of winning every game. The toughest opponent now may be apathy considering Texas should be a heavy favorite going into just about every game for the remainder of the regular season. And given the inconsistent play that has marked the first month of the season, that's a huge concern considering the fact that every team is capable of playing much better than they have the previous week or weeks (hello UTEP).

More after the jump...

"Holiday...celebrate...everybody spread the word...I live in my coach's doghouse" - Methinks the officials doth protest too much. I'm not a fan of conspiracy ref theories, but I don't think there's any doubt the officials negatively effected the outcome of the Geogria-LSU game by calling multiple questionable excessive celebration penalties. With a minute remaining, LSU still may have been able to march down the field for a score to win the game from deep in their own territory, but their effort sure was made that much easier after Georgia was forced to kick off from their own 20. Heck, the Tigers barely had to go more than 10 yards in that minute to be in FG range.

In the same way people like to say that holding can be called on any play, it seems the excessive celebration penalty can be called after every score and/or any big defensive stop. Players almost never contain their enthusiasm. Even worse, the interpretation of the rule is hardly precise and its enforcement rarely consistent.

Personally, I think anything short of spiking the ball or taunting the opposing players should not warrant throwing a flag. This is football, damn it. It's an emotional sport. And while the players can no longer claim ignorance as they know full well the refs will be looking for any display that calls attention to one's self, it's only human nature to want to celebrate. End of the day, this game is still a form of entertainment and entertainers entertain.

"How do you stop a not so unique QB sneak, unique up on him and punch him in the face " - This week's Mike Leach Coaching Genius Award goes to U-Dub's Steve Sarkisian. After Washington took down USC, the pundits were all a flutter about how much of an offensive coaching guru Sarkisian is for the adjustments he made to move the ball on the vaunted Trojan defense. Well, after watching the Huskies thwarted time and again on Notre Dame's 1-yard line with one quarterback sneak after another, I guess I'm not seeing it.

Obviously the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, particularly when you only need to go a few inches. However, if say there is a thousand pounds of pissed-off humanity between you and the end zone, you might consider going around it or throwing over it.

I don't fault Sarkisian for calling the QB sneak the first time or maybe even the second time during the 4th quarter against Notre Dame, but the third and fourth times were asinine. A TD on either trip inside the Irish 1-yard line would have forced ND to score twice to tie or win the game. You owe it to your team to get more creative than that on the goal line.

And lastly, a few parting shots from the Saturday of our discontent...

The famous smiling Miner fan sitting with his digitally prospecting girlfriend on the mountain overlooking the Sun Bowl finally got the happy ending he was hoping for...UTEP beating #12 Houston 58-41 only a week after getting blasted 64-7 by #2 Texas has to be one of the most remarkable turnarounds in college football history.
Did the Aggies choose to wear all-white uniforms in their blow-out loss to Arkansas because they were celebrating throwback night or did the engineers at A&M mistake the fabric softener for the Clorox again...somewhere Joe Kines, who is always hungry for an eatable metaphor, is renaming the Wrecking Crew the Marshmallow D. Sidenote: I'm now convinced that no team looks better than Texas wearing the all-white unis. Yeah, you heard me right Penn State.
Raise your hand if you think Taylor Potts' concussion symptoms might be due to, I don't know, a hit he sustained a few weeks ago...if you saw the HBO Real Sports episode about concussions, you'll be apt to agree that these injuries are very, very serious. A speedy recovery to Potts and Tim Tebow, hopefully the doctors don't let them anywhere near a football field until they're 100%.
Dear Landry Jones, your mustache does not make you look intimidating, it makes people concerned that you've been taking bong hits off a car's tailpipe again. If you want to look older so badly, try smoking something else.
And finally, dear Longhorns, please stay humble and vigilant. It's all there for the taking provided you take care of business and remember that the next game is always the biggest game. We're Texas indeed and we'll always be proud of that and you.

See you at CU,

54b

DirecTV vs. Comcast vs. AT&T U-Verse

54b — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 13:29:11 -0000

So a couple of days ago I'm flipping channels and I noticed that my ESPN Classic channel on my DirecTV set-up wasn't working. It had gone off just like the Versus channel back in early September. When I clicked on it for more info, DirecTV prompted me to do a series of actions including resetting the system as if this was just a temporary glitch. So I complied and followed their instructions but still no ESPN Classic.

Finally I called them and went through the whole process again only to finally be transferred to a live person who told me that they'd simply stopped offering ESPN Classic on my package, but that I could have it back if I was willing to pay $11 more a month for their "Sports Package."

WTF? On the Versus channel, they have a nice explanation about Comcast being greedy as the reason that channel is no longer offered. But on ESPN Classic, their only explanation is it might be a glitch.

Well I've had it. I'm DONE with DirecTV...or maybe I'm not. My problem is I don't know where to go from here. Nobody in the pay TV game seems to be legit.

So I'd like to hear from various members of this forum on what the best provider and package is for someone like me who's just looking to watch a bunch of college football. I'd love to hear the pros and cons on all three providers so I can make an honest, intelligent, fiscally sound decision on who to subscribe to and hopefully help other members on this forum as well.

May not be the best place to have this conversation, but it's a bye-week so I figure we've got some time.

Thank you in advance.

54b

Sunday Supper

54b — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 02:23:22 -0000

Hope everyone enjoyed what turned out to be a very intoxicating college football weekend. Lot of bad juju going around last week on and off the field and I for one needed Saturday to arrive like I need another liver. In fact, I spent much of yesterday trying to stupor-size myself in an attempt to forget the hellacious work week that prevented me from posting a commentary.

So please excuse my absense and accept in its place a collection of ramblings about Week 4 of the college football season, a week in which four teams (could have easily been five) in the Top 10 lost big games in rather extraordinary fashion.

More after the jump...

"Keep your daughter and your overrated team off the Poll" - #4 Ole Miss, #5 Penn State, #6 Cal, and #9 Miami all lost and #7 LSU would have joined them if not for a nail-biting goal line stand against Mississippi State, who, down by 6, had the ball first & goal at the 2-yard line with just over a minute remaining. I'd love to dub it "Upset Saturday," but I'm not sure you can really call them upsets. The four losing teams simply looked awful and lost very unceremoniously, giving proponents of doing away with preseason polls more than enough evidence to make a case for waiting until October to publish weekly polls.

"The Pac 10 WTF-Up Game Of The Week" - #6 Cal lost to an unranked Oregon team, 42-3. Autzen's a tough place to play, but that's ridiculous. One of you stats jockeys please tell us when the last time a Top 10 team lost by 39 points to an unranked opponent. I can just see Jeff Tedford asking the team doc for some flu shots that actually give you the full-blown flu. In the beauty contest that is the BCS, they'll need an excuse and some spin control. And judging by the way they played, the flu might actually improve their chances.

"Unhappy Valley" - I'm sure fans of Cal, Ole Miss, and Miami are really hurting right now, but nobody's picking up the pieces today quite like Nittany Lions fans. Don't believe me, then just imagine what we'd be feeling like if Tech had come into Austin a week ago and not only beaten Texas, but exposed us as a pretender to the crown. The lesson as always, you can't un-lose a game from last season. Forget about revenge and just play football. If you really want revenge, turn up the thermostat and leave an upper-decker in their commode while they're out of town.

"College LameDay - We're Comin' To Your Shitty (Game)" - Seriously, where is GameDay headed this week? Miami vs. OU probably, but who's excited about that game after the Canes pissed themselves in Blacksberg. I want to hear Jacory Harris tell us that nobody in college football is going to work harder at sporting Michael Irvin's late 80's haircut than he is for the rest of this season. I'll be surprised if "the U Suck" is still in the Top 20 this week. As for USC at Cal, I'm not even sure Versus wants to air the "Oops, I Crapped My Season" Bowl.

"UTEPIA" - You asked for style points, how about 64? I know UTEP's struggling this year, but they stunk more than my sweaty balls did after I had to peel them off the bleachers in order to get out of the heat at Saturday's game. Except for Colt's charity pick-six to help fund the "Chris Simms' Center For Kids Who Don't Read Defenses Good" and a few red zone offensive play calling head-scratchers, it just doesn't get any more dominant than that. The Longhorns had over 600 yards of offense to the Miners' 63. Yeah, sixty-three #*#&$ yards and the Miners even had the ball for 25 minutes. I don't think UT's defense let them get passed midfield all day.

Kirk Bohls was looking for a catchy name for UT's defense in his column on Friday...well how about the "Bovine Flu" cuz let me tell you something, you don't want any part of that nastiness, and if you do have them, you're in for a world of hurt.

"Fast Times At Cougar High" - Admittedly, I'm more into talkin' Ex's and Ho's than X's and O's, but I'm calling out Texas Monthly's "Best Coach in College Football," Mike Leach, for that debacle in Houston Saturday night...okay, let's just set scene: On the road up by five with just over five minutes to go; your defense is absolutely gassed because they've just spent four hours in a sauna playing against a pass happy offense modeled after your own; you've already blown one golden opportunity to put the game away after getting stuffed on the goal line despite the other team featuring D-Linemen that don't even weigh as much as the make-up Brandon Carter cakes on his face; and you just watched your exhausted defense force an improbable turnover at midfield...so on first down you get six yards on a quick pass, but the receiver runs out of bounds and stops the clock. Now it's 2nd and 4 with right at five minutes to go and what does Leach opt to do? Run the ball against a Houston defense that's also cramping and hanging on for dear life like the belt around Ruffin McNeal's sweat-soaked pants? No, of course not. He's Mike Leach and he'll show everyone how cool he is by passing on an obvious running down. Even if the run hadn't netted a first down, it would have taken nearly a minute off the clock. Instead, Potts threw incomplete and it was now 3rd and 4 with five minutes left. Potts threw incomplete again on 3rd down and then punted giving Houston the ball back with nearly five minutes to play, plenty of time to mount a game winning drive. Far be it from me to tell Mike Leach how to call plays, but that was really dumb, even for a pirate.

"Buster Heisman" - First Bradford and his shoulder and now Tebow and his head. It's open season on Heisman winning quarterbacks. We don't know the severity of Tebow's concussion, but it's safe to say his aggressive "Bam-Bam" approach to running head first into the opposition on QB keepers may not be such a good idea for as long as he can't pass a microwave oven without forgetting his name and pissing his pants. Wow, that was vicious.

"As I jump, do I give him the ass or the crotch?" - Lastly, I love this whole "flying chest bump" thing to celebrate a big play. I also think the "flying back bump" where two players jump towards each other, both do a 180 in mid-air, and touch backs is pretty cool too. But what do you call it when both players jump up and one goes in for the chest bump while the other rotates Boitano-style to do the back bump? The Flying Spoon? If you have access to the Texas-UTEP replay, check out Shipley celebrating with Buckner after one of the TD catches...it's very Blades of Glory-esque.

Enjoy the bye-week and feel free to add your own random ramblings from Week 4.

54b

54b's Commentary - Wyoming Recap/Tech Preview

54b — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 14:03:43 -0000

Was it a lack of inspiration or preparation for the change in elevation that led to the Longhorns "breath-taking" first-half performance in an otherwise routine 41-10 thumping of the heavy underdog Cowboys last Saturday in Laramie? Nahhhhhhh. How could any team not be excited or prepared to play in what Cowboys' coach Dave Christensen hailed as "probably the biggest game that's ever been played in the state of Wyoming?"

Like anybody could know that.

Despite the Horns 31-point road win against the band formally known as the Brown-Eyed Susans, many UT fans were quite concerned that the margin of victory was not nearly enough to impress the bevy of BCS influencers, especially the Harris poll voters who are known for their irregularity and hold fast to their fickleness like a bottle of street grade Geritol.

Of course it also doesn't help ease concerns about UT's championship chances much when the media, who have long since turned the news cycle into a 24/7 fire drill, pretty much adhere to a scorched earth policy at all times even if it means besmirching the very conference being featured in primetime and on Gameday less than a week later. "Oh, hey, college football fans, forget all that stuff we said and wrote about the Big XII being vastly overrated and tune into our "Epic Revenge Game of the Century" down in Austin this Saturday. Hyperbole Lives Here!"

God love the "World Wide Leader," they never exaggerate anything.

Well like Mad Man Don Draper likes to say, "if you don't like what they're saying about you, change the conversation." If you don't want to talk about knocking up a waitress for only wearing the requisite 15 pieces of Louisville Cardinals flare, chastise the media for coming to your press conference when they could be circling Ted Kennedy's Compound like a bunch of vultures.

Though if you really want to knock some Talking Heads, nothing diverts the media's attention quite like a conspiracy theory. And do I have a dozy for you. This one is hotter than a mike'd up California Congressman waxing explicit about riding bareback in the "Lobby." So stop tapping out an SOS about our SOS and languish in anguish no more my paranoid pals, your patsy pacifiers have arrived. You see, I secretly mike'd up the head referee before the Texas-Wyoming game to find out what's really going on here.

Here's a recording from the Officials dressing room right before kick-off in a little tabloid expose I like to call...

Hidden Audio In Hi-Ref

Head Ref: (Whispering) "Did you guys get the memo from Senator Orin Hatch?"

Umpire: "You mean the one titled, ‘Operation BCS Buster'?"

Ref:                    "No, Johnny Appleseed, the one titled, 'Healthcare Reform Only Covers Your First 3 Sister-Wives.' Of course I mean the BCS memo.

Line Judge:       "I knew Hatch wasn't going to back down after calling the BCS a monopoly. But I can't believe 'Phase 1 - Cougars Dig The Shocker' worked so well. OU and OSU never saw it coming."

Ref:                     "I know and now it's time for 'Phase 2 - Rolling Brown Out.' The Mid-Majors need us. God willing, one day College Football will have a play-off."

Back Judge:       "Yeah, but do you really think we can help the Cowboys win? They almost lost to Weber State. My mom can beat Weber State."

Umpire:        "I thought the doctor told your mom to stay off her feet on account of her trench foot."

Ref:                       "Will you two shut up? Look, we just have to keep the game close so the Big XII looks overrated to the voters."

Field Judge:          "How are we gonna do that? Throw a flag on Mack Brown for excessive clapping?"

Ref:                         "Listen up, wise asses, you guys better keep the Horns under 50 or you'll be back reffing Powder Puff so fast, you're heads will spin."

Side Judge:           "Well, they always say you can call holding on every play and do I love to throw my flag."

Ref:                          "Yeah, it brings out the copper flecks in your eyes...I don't care what you call, make it happen."

Field Judge:            "But what if we end up hurting McCoy's Heisman chances? He such a nice boy."

Ref:                   "Oh for Christ sakes, buy him a milkshake. He'll get over it. Any other questions?"

Umpire:                    (Raising his hand slowly) "Do you think the naked Cowboy fan in the barrel has underwear on?"

So there you have it. Shocking on many levels. It ought to keep the Talking Heads' mouths full long enough for us to keep our #2 ranking as long as we win the...

Next Game

If heavily favored UT should prevail Saturday night, I'm still not sure how beating a "Crab-less, Harrell-less, unranked Texas Tech team is going to satisfy Longhorn Nations' desire for revenge for last year, but I certainly wouldn't mind a thorough throttling of the Red Raiders on National TV.

This is surely a made-for-TV invitation to Colt to cement his status as the front-runner in the Heisman race and a good excuse to remind the pundits why they predicted the Horns to reach Pasadena even before the season started. As for whether the Longhorns will avenge last year's heart breaker in Lubbock, we'll just have to consult the always unknowing...

Unpredictable Prediction

For those of you planning to stand amongst the masses assembled behind the set of Gameday, here are a few last minute sign ideas to help you break through the clutter...

Me fail out of Texas Tech? That's unpossible.

3.0 at Tech gets you into The University of Phoenix

Healthcare reform doesn't cover Raider Rash

49ers - Proof that only Tech likes having Crabs

Leach is a smelly pirate hooker

Leach hornswoggled my other sign

Leach has verbal diarrhea

Taylor Potts shaves with a Flowbee

Brandon Carter's dad didn't love him enough

Herbstreit freestyles like Vanilla Ice

McCoy and Shipley are friends with fishing permits

#12 in your program, #1 on your Heisman ballot

Muchamp pisses excellence

Quien es mas Acho?

Texas 52
Rivalry Refugees 27

And if those don't get you on TV, there's always...

Kanye took my other sign

Tailgate Update (Gameday Edition)

Kickoff against the Red Raiders (Red and Black is no friend of Jack) is scheduled for 7pm ("Welcome to primetime, bitches") as the Longhorns look to keep their title chances alive (Don't abandon champion-ship). Fowler, Corso, and Herbstriet (The All Hairdo Crew) are coming back to Austin (That'll keep it weird). The GameDay set built by The Home Depot (Black & Decker set erecter) will again be located on the south side of the UT Tower (bring a six-pack to the Six-Pack) and the area designated for the fans opens at 7am (Sea of Bovinity).

Quote Of The Week

"Do you think Billy Sims is the Kanye of the Heisman Award Show?"

Hook'em,
54b

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twitter.com/Longhorn54b

Saturday Spotlight

54b — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 15:29:45 -0000

Though today's slate doesn't exactly make you feel like the rope in gym class, I thought I'd share a few comments about the games of somewhat greater interest to Longhorns fans kicking off later today.

Line-up after the jump...

Texas "Versus" Wyoming - Sad state of affairs when the main storyline centers around the channel broadcasting the game more so than the game itself. No word on the latest contractual dispute between DirecTV and Comcast, but there seems to be no end in site - which may affect Longhorns fans later in the season too as Versus has the 4th or 5th pick in the Big XII broadcasting hierarchy (UT vs. UCF probably being another game destined for this channel). To give you some perspective, DirecTV's penetration in the Dallas market is just under 20%...good for the sports bars and other subscription TV providers to take advantage of (and they are, check out the pull no punches ads in the paper), but still an inconvenience all the same and one that probably could have been avoided.

Idaho State at OU - How bad must Idaho State be perceived when Vegas makes them a 55-point dog to a team starting an unproven, back-up QB? No doubt gamblers will have to think twice before laying down money on this one. Seems like a suckers bet, but I'm sure Sooners/Bengals will see a lot of action at the sports books.

Houston at OSU - Definitely has all the makings of a track meet unless the Cowboy's purportedly revamped defense puts the breaks on the well-advertised Cougars' full throttle offense. Regardless, should be a fun one to watch and give us another data point in determining just how treacherous T. Boone's Farm will be in late October.

USC at tOSU - No doubt Longhorns fans would probably like to see USC get beat tonight. If UT, Florida and USC were to all finish the year undefeated, it'd be hard to make a case for the Longhorns filling one of the top two spots given what looks (on paper anyway) to be one of UT's weakest SOS's in years. Here's hoping Terrell Pryor turns it on for the Bucks, but let's save the VY comparison for another day.

Notre Dame at Michigan - This one can probably be best described as, "if a tree falls in Ann Arbor, does anybody but those people sitting under the tree care?" Regardless of the outcome, I'm not sure anybody outside of Ann Arbor or South Bend (or Lou Holtz) will buy the "we're back" claims that will undoubtedly spew forth from the winning fan base.

S. Carolina at Georgia - May be another barometer for Okie State's prowess if Georgia wipes the floor with S. Carolina even though the Gamecocks looked downright pedestrian in week one against NC State.

BYU at Tulane and Miami (Ohio at Boise State) - Probably not worth watching, but worth keeping an eye on as the Cougars and Broncos seem to be the front runners to crash the BCS party. And if BYU goes undefeated, they could have a legit claim to appearing in the title game. At least on paper today's smorgasbord of games don't appear to be very appetizing, but you never know when another upset- Saturday is brewing....and truth be told, nothing is ever all that wrong when college football's on. Please feel free to add comments of your own as well as other games of import to you.

Enjoy your Saturday,
54b

PS. Hate to jump on the pile, but what's up with Colorado? I thought this was Division 1 Football Dan Hawkins, no intramurals.

TX vs. ULM Replay

54b — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 18:00:20 -0000

TX vs. ULM Replay

TX vs. ULM Replay on Fox Sports SW @1pm, CST Today, Sept. 11

54b's Commentary - Warhawk Review/Cowpoke Preview

54b — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 14:20:41 -0000

Firstly, I would like you all to know that even though my Atari 2600 never did become Y2K compatible, I have overcome my inherent fear of technology (and narcissism), and joined the fast-paced world of court reporting, I mean Twitter.

For masterful bon tweets that make you scratch your ass, click on Twitter.com and search me out at "Longhorn54b"...you know if you're into that sort of thing.

I figure when Longhorn news breaks, I'll just add my spin to it and make sure it's really broken.

And to mark my foray into the world of tweeting, I decided to shrink this week’s commentary down to Twitter's 140 character limit...

54b's Tweet (Week 1) - Win over ULM rewarding as popping Viagra in drunk tank...Wyoming up next unless you have Comcastrated DirecTV.

Slightly longer version of the commentary after the jump...

In the final weeks leading up to the Longhorns’ eagerly anticipated opener against the Sun Belt’s latest sacrificial lamb - the slightly more politically correct Warhawks of Louisiana-Monroe - my mood could best be described as "can’t hardly wait" for football. Like most Texas fans, I was intensely excited over the prospect of what could be UT’s second title run in the last five years. At the same time, my memory of getting screwed out of deserved title shot last season made me supremely tentative to embrace all the hype and extreme expectations being heaped upon a Texas team who still won't have complete control of their championship destiny even if they are to go undefeated.

Where as the 2008 season was magical due in large part to the relatively modest expectations Longhorns fans had to begin the year, we already had all or nothing expectations before the 2009 campaign even kicked off. And when you look at UT’s schedule, unlike the previous season where it seemed like every game was a stepping stone to the next, this season’s slate appears (on paper anyway) to come down to two big games - and maybe just one now thanks to OU’s stumble against BYU and Bradford’s uncertain future.

So while the old adage about "taking it one game at a time" and respecting each opponent equally week in and week out may be the company line for the players in regards to addressing the hype, as far as the fans are concerned, we’re ready to prove to the world that we’re championship certified right now. In other words, games against seemingly inferior competition don’t seem like steps on a journey as much as they feel like hanging out in a hospital room awaiting the birth of your child. When the little miracle finally does join the ranks of the breathing, it’s the best thing ever. But every hour, minute, and second leading up to that point can be an anxiety-ridden yet monotonous exercise in futility.

That’s a beer glass half-empty mentality to be sure, but spare me the fortune cookie pep talk - success is a journey, enjoy the ride, blah-blah-blah - that doesn’t change the fact that Longhorns fans are still very, very pissed about 2008, out for retribution, and the lack of high profile competition to begin this season is doing little in the way of filling the void left at the end of the last one.

Anyway, that’s the best way I know to describe what Longhorns fans were thinking and feeling when Colt McCoy and 2009 Longhorns grounded the Warhawks 59-20 last Saturday night at the ever-augmenting 100,000+ seat Royal Memorial Stadium. But if you’re finding yourself lost in gestation and the neonatal simile mentioned above makes about as much sense to you as "fryin’ bacon naked," perhaps you’ll understand my sentiment better if I impart upon you the...

Top 10 Southern Colloquialisms For Texas’ Blowout Victory Over Louisiana-Monroe

10) Like popping a Viagra in the drunk tank

9) About as lucky as finding a penny in a wishing well

8) Like eatin’ a cupcake after it hit the ground upside down

7) Like taking down the 12th bottle of beer on the wall

6) Like watching a one armed man in a clapping contest (whoops, that’s from colloquialisms for OU/BYU)

5) About as much fun as rubbing your balls in salt and going to the petting zoo

4) Like gettin’ all dressed up to go to Arby’s

3) Like sunbathing in the eye of a tornado

2) Just cuz a Warhawk has wings don’t mean it can fly

And the #1 Southern Colloquialism Describing Texas’ Win Over ULM...

1) Well that was about as meaningful as wiping your butt sideways

Cuz it don’t mean nothin’ if the Horns don’t win the...

Next Game

Admittedly, I know about as much about the Wyoming Cowboys as I know about winning an Oscar for Best Short Subject on Brokeback Mountain. Neither one seems all that appealing, but then again, I guess anything is better than having to spend the weekend in Fayetteville facing the hated Hogs who requested a rain check on the business end of their home and home with the Horns to face Agro-lite at Jerryworld later this season.

So rather than sharpen a stick at both ends and put the Razorbacks on a spit, we'll just have to make the best out of our second helping from the non-con cupcake buffet and serve as the biggest thing to invade Laramie since the Oregon Trail introduced cholera to this isolated outpost back in the 1800’s. Good times to be sure, but as for whether the Longhorns will survive the visit, we'll just have to leave it up to the fates and the always uncomfortable...

Unpredictable Prediction

But first, please put the earmuffs on the kids and turn grandma’s hearing aid to "Wheel of Fortune," because I need to rant...

I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It's a recession. Everybody's out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar can't buy a Pound of cure; banks are banking on TARP; shopkeepers can't get health insurance; swine flu is rampant in the streets, and there's nobody anywhere who seems to know why DirecTV no longer carries the channel Versus which is broadcasting the Texas vs. Wyoming game.

We know the air in China is unfit to breathe and high-fructose corn syrup is unfit to eat. And we sit watching Versus (Channel 603) and reading some message that tells us that Comcast is a big, fat bully and doesn’t play nice even though DirecTV has spent the better part of the past two years ripping Comcast a new one via advertisements, as if that's the way it's supposed to be!

We all know things are bad -- worse than bad -- they're crazy.

It's like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we’re fiscally afraid to travel to college football games anymore. We sit in the house and twitter about the fact that we're sitting in the house tweeting, and quickly the world we're living in is getting smaller yet more isolated, and all we say is, "Please, let us watch the Longhorns vs. Cowboys in the comfort of our own living rooms. Let me have my Jack Daniels and my satellite dish and my vanity, or I'll threaten to say bad things about you on the plethora of narcissistic social media platforms at my disposal. Here's a clue, just leave Burnt Orange Nation alone."

Well, I'm not going to leave you alone.

I want you to get mad!

I don't want you to protest. I don't want you to cancel your subscription. I don't want you to hire an airplane to fly a sign over Comcast Headquarters, because I wouldn't know what to tell you to write on the banner (actaully I would). I don't know what to do about the recession and the Swine Flue and the terrorists and the BCS.

All I know is that first, you've got to get mad.

You've gotta say, "I'm a Texas Longhorn, dammit! My viewing privileges have value!"

So, I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up off of your butts. I want you to get up right now and go call DirecTV and Comcast, and tell them to pull their heads out and asses, because...

"We're as mad as hell, and we're not going to take this anymore!!"

Okay, I feel better, on to the...

Unpredicable Prediction - Part II

Nope, sorry, still pissed...

You want my prediction for Saturday, well here it is...thanks to DirecTV no longer airing Versus programming because they wouldn’t bend over and fluff Comcast’s cable, I predict I’ll be watching the Wyoming game at Best Buy. And after doing shots of mouth wash in the employee slacker lounge and threatening to kick in the 1080 DLP on sale Cedric Benson style, I predict Best Buy will scramble Larry Lester, a decorated Geek Squad Commander, to the showroom floor to restrain me until the authorities arrive.

But what that nerd don’t know is he just fell victim to one of the classic blunders...the most famous of which is never accept a blanket laced with Small Pox from a Sooner, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Texan when he's been drinking and an undefeated season is on the line!

And when hairy Larry comes steppin' to give me the Vulcan nerve pinch, I will drag his Nerd of the Month ass over to the Shipping Department and tape his hairy buns together, but only after giving him an atomic wedgie, the likes of which will force him to give-a-give-a-give-a rebate on a Garmin in order to locate his Spiderman Underoos because they will have gone where no man or mutant has gone before.

Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the bail money?

Texas - 62
Wyoming - 3
Comcast and DirecTV – Suck It!

Tailgate Update (Road Trip Edition)

Escaping the insufferable Texas heat (it burns when I flee) may be reason alone to make the trip to Southeast Wyoming ("if I hurry I can still make Cheyenne") this weekend where the high is predicted to be 61 ("it'd be a lot cooler if you did"). Though Cowboys fans (Pokey Joes) are known for getting more than a little riled up when conference rivals Utah and BYU come to town (no Big Love lost here), the locals will undoubtedly roll out the "welcome wagon" ("That thar is an RV, Clark") when the Longhorns arrive in Laramie (Brown Town).

When asked where the best place to eat in town was (come and vet it), a local responded, "Applebees" (Eatin' Good in the Neighborwood). So while there may not be a whole lot to write home about (Hello Mother, Hello Father...) when it comes to dining out in Laramie (Greetings from Camp Cupcake...), but there are a variety of eclectic restaurants (Eatin's good here...) and bars (drinkin's better...) located near the intersection of E. Grand Avenue and S. 3rd Street (I'm so f*cked up I can barely write this letter), particularly at a bar called the Library Sports Grille & Brewery (Read the mead).

As for actual tailgating (fall off the wagon), again, Wyoming fans have a reputation for drinking with the best of them (better Cowboy up), so Longhorns fans shouldn’t have any trouble fitting in (Have Rum Will Travel). Tailgating is encouraged (Prohibition is prohibited) and parking lots open at 8 a.m. on game days (you can't drink all day unless you start in the morning), but only the lots located north of the stadium allow open containers (permission to drink freely) including the ironically named Lot AA (you can't make this sh*t up). Also of note, the Rocky Mountain Texas Exes (they operate on a higher plain) are hosting a tailgate and details can be found at: rmte.blogspot.com (Ex marks the spot).

Quote Of The Week

Overheard in the stands last Saturday night...

"What the hell is a Warhawk?"
"It's a figment of my inebriation."

Hook'em,
54b