SB Nation User Blog: 54b

54b's Commentary - CU Later/OU Preview

54b — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 02:03:47 -0000

No question about it, Boulder, Colorado is beautiful. As for the people who go to school there, well, that may still be up for debate. And I’m not talking about beauty in the superficial sense as in, "the local female population's proclivity for superfluous body hair is disarming." No ma'am, I'm talking about a lack of inner-beauty here, and more specifically, the local population's penchant for walking up to visiting fans and telling them to go fornicate with themselves for no apparent reason other than they’re wearing orange and didn’t get the memo about the “Gold-Out” that was affixed, ever-so-responsibly, to a tree with environmentally friendly string.

Admittedly, Texas fans don’t always “Make Us Proud,” and as a visitor to the CU campus and member of the opposing fan base it would be extremely naïve not to expect at least a modicum of eye-rolling ridicule and unfriendly banter from the Buffalo faithful. It certainly didn’t help that our travel party (four ex-frat boys) chose to pre-game in two of the most popular student hangouts: The Sink and some 3-story bar called “K’s China.”

Even still, it’s pretty ridiculous how far out of the way CU fans go to roll out the unfriendly welcome mat on the doorstep of such a bastion of peace and tranquility like the Rockies. Then again, their lack of hospitality only made the 38-14 butt- whipping the Horns put on their beloved Buffs last Saturday night all the more sweet. Before I morph into a walking contradiction, I will admit that after the first few preemptive F-bombs were launched our way, we didn’t exactly turn the other cheek, much to the chagrin of my single friends who were more than willing to overlook the laissez-faire grooming efforts on the part of the local feminine persuasion.

No sooner would my eligible bachelor buddies strike up a conversation with some CU coed than one of us married guys would swoop in with some smart, cock-blocking retort that pretty much ensured they’d be playing Stands with a Boner back at the (cabin) alone and Longhorns fans would always be unwelcome in Tatonka temptress territory. Fortunately for you, the intrigued and probably befuddled reader, their loss is your gain as I recount the...

Top 10 CU Coed Conversation Enders

(Sadly, many of these lines are actual quotes from last weekend...apparently you get drunker faster the higher up in elevation you are. Who knew?)

10) “If I said your body reminded me of a Flatiron, would you hold it against me."

9) “You must be from Texas cuz you’re the only girl here wearing make-up.”

8) “Much like your plus-size pom squad, I’m glad to see you’ve beaten bulimia.”

7) “If you keep drinking that microbrew you're going to be emitting all kinds of greenhouse gasses.”

6) “Did you choose CU because you can wear a sweater year-round here?”

5) “How ironic that you choose not to wear an over the shoulder Boulder holder."

4) “Don't let my Dances With Cougars nickname fool you, I do not age discriminate.”

3) “You know what they say about guys with big carbon footprints...”

2) “So, how long have you been hiding Ralphie in your armpit?”

And the #1 CU Coed Conversation ender is...

1) “If we do it in your stadium, can we qualify for the Mile High Club?”

The Game

After hearing all the pre-game hype and all the pundits making UT their shock value upset special of the week, I will admit that I was a little nervous about the game. That is until the guy next to me at the bar mentioned that CU lost six of their offensive linemen for the season and they were starting a converted tight-end at tackle. Translation: Paging, Mr. Orakpo, can you pick up a courtesy can of whoop ass?

Poor Cody Hawkins was running for his life all night long and about the only person who got in UT’s way was the genius who put a yellow t-shirt in every seat in the student section. Their little “gold-out” turned into a flag parade as t-shirts rained down on the field after just about every play in the first half. And did the Public Address announcer ever say, “Hey, Hanes tossers, keep doing it and the refs will throw a real penalty flag on the Buffaloes? Of course not. That would be too much to handle for their half-baked brains. Then again, who cares. The Horns won the Alternative Burger Bowl handily, and despite never completing a pass over 10 yards and finding new ways to avoid converting short yardage situations with our futile running game, I’m even more optimistic than ever about the...

Red River Rivalry
(Note: I posted this experiential look at the rivalry earlier this week on the BON, but just in case you're still having trouble getting your head right with ball, go ahead and click on it.)

So how do we beat OU anyway?

I’ll spare you any further paralysis from analysis except to say that I haven’t heard too many pundits mention OU’s kicking game. The Sooners aren’t exactly featuring Uwe von Schamann at place kicker these days, and if the Horns' defense can prevent Bradford and the OU offense from scoring from 50+ yards out and force them to trade touchdowns for field goal attempts, UT may be able to keep it close long enough for McCoy and the Longhorns’ offense to put some significant points on the board. And as always, the nice thing about the Red River Rivalry is that the higher ranked team doesn’t always win and anything can happen. Thankfully, we don’t have to wait until tomorrow to find out who’s going to win, we have the...

Unpredictable Prediction

For those of you in need of sign inspiration for ESPN GameDay, which will be broadcast from the State Fair Saturday morning...

Rule #76 – No Excuses, Play like a Muschampion

Bob Stoops plays on the LPGA

Bradford chose Palin as his Hesiman running mate

Ask not what Brown can do for you

Oklahoma's state tree is the telephone pole

You can't spell C_CKS_CKER without OU

Texas 31, OUch 28

Tailgate Update (State Fair Edition)

For the fourth time in seven years (57% of time it works every time), Texas and OU enter the Red River Rivalry (Ass-Hatfields vs. McCoy’s) ranked in the top five ("it was honor just to be nominated"). Apparently somebody finally told the Cotton Bowl (Dallas City Council's Not-So-Extreme Makeover) it could use a little more capacity and now it seats 90,000 (Urinals sold separately). For those of you (Burnt Orange Dough-Nation) who were fortunate enough to have procured a golden ticket (to Willy Muschamp’s Knock the Chocolate Out Of Those Mother F*ckers Factory), here are six simple edicts to help you enjoy your time there (Tenets to win it):

1. Kick-off's at 11am (For a Top 5 match-up?), so try to get to the fairgrounds before 9am (TiVo the Smurfs)
2. Find a parking lot (pave the way), don't park in some questionable dude’s front yard (your car won't be the only thing on "grass")
3. Put your wallet in your front pocket ("Carnies got little hands")
4. Upon entering the fair (rub your ass with salt and head to the petting zoo), buy coupon tickets immediately so you can get a beer (obey your thirst) and a corndog ("I can smell you getting fatter")
5. Get to your seats early (Squatters rights), the stadium corridors are narrow (like your urethra) and get extremely crowded ("Show me on the doll where the bad Sooner touched you")
6. If a flask is a must (I'll drink to that), then replace the cleaning solution (It’s so hard to find good help) in your contact lens bottle with a clear liquor (Oh Captain, my Morgan).

Add in a little sunscreen (SPF-OU), drink some water every now and then (He who hydrates, urinates), and try to remember, it's still just a game ("It's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get").

Quoteworthy (Overheard in Boulder)

“Why does Bevo just stand there? At least Ralphie runs with the team.”
“Because it would take a hell of a lot more than eight frat hippies to get Bevo from one end of the field to the other.”

“I wish we were more like McCoy and Shipley...I need more Bromance in my life.”

“Congratulations on your ‘gold-out.’ We pretty much have an orange-out every week, we just don’t have a dorky name for it.”

“Boulder is so tree-hugger. I mean just look over there, is that a peace rally?”
“No, dumb ass, that’s a bus stop.”

“Dar-rel Scott...Dar-rel Scott...Dar-rel Scott...”

“Beat OU, Beat OU, Beat OU...”
“Man, I’d give anything to beat OU this year.”
“Yeah, I’m not saying I’d give my left nut, but I might encourage my right one to push it out of the nest.”

OU Sucks,
54b

Getting mentally prepared for Saturday

54b — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 14:47:26 -0000

A writer-friend of PB’s recently asked me some questions about the Red River Rivalry experience and I thought I’d share my answer to her question about a “proper October Saturday in Dallas.”

On a fateful Saturday every October in Dallas, after only a few restless hours of sleep, I rise before the crack of dawn completely wired to find my game-day clothes already laid out as if I were a player approaching my locker to get suited up for the game. Everything about attending the annual Red River Rivalry has been thought out in meticulous detail down to the driving route I’ll take to a previously scouted parking area. As I and fellow Longhorns fans drive through the darkened streets of South Dallas, the anticipation begins to build to the point we can hardly find the words to speak. The silence is only broken when we hear the ice crack in our cooler full of beer, vodka, and Bloody Mary mix as we pass over the first parking lot speed-bump and through the early morning haze, see the lights of the Cotton Bowl gleaming forebodingly off in the distance.

As the parking lot fills to capacity, we trade degrading remarks with the fans from the north as a thinly veiled attempt to convince them that we haven’t any doubt whose team will win the day. But with conference and national title implications hanging in the balance almost every year, you can see the anxiety in every fans’ eyes, regardless of their demeanor, because we know all too well from years of monumental victories and crushing defeats, that winning the Red River Rivalry means everything and losing...well, losing just isn’t fathomable because the pain is so intense your mind goes into shock and blocks it out.

About an hour before kick-off, we start making our way to the stadium. Approaching the gates to the State Fair grounds offers a brief respite from the feud as Texas and Oklahoma fans alike stand nervously next to each other in line like they're awaiting entry into a prison recreation yard. A coy laugh or joke from an inebriated fan usually breaks the tension until the ticket taker tears off the fair admittance end of your game ticket and then it’s right back to the business at hand, throwing more fuel on an already fiery rivalry.

After inhaling a Fletcher’s Corndog and a warm beer out of a waxy cup while appearing to be lost inside a maze of carnival booths, we look high in the sky to find the familiar concrete facade of the Cotton Bowl to recalculate our way to the ramps leading up to the gates. Every step up feels like you’re on the initial assent of a roller coaster – click, click, click – and as we pass through the entrance at the top of the hill and negotiate our way through the huddled masses of the Cotton Bowl’s cattle-herding corridors, we come upon the entrance to our seating section only to have an expanse of seemingly endless rows of orange and red clad-filled bleachers leading down to a bright green field release a wave of emotion over us that nearly causes us to fall flat on our faces as we make our way down the stairs to our seats in a semiconscious state.

Like a slow motion action sequence in a war movie, your body temporarily shuts down because of sensory overload. You get tunnel vision and the sounds around you become muted until the bang of a drum or explosion of a cannon brings you back into the now. Then your mind hits the fast-forward button and it’s a thrill-a-minute ride as momentum swings back and forth with both teams making plays at an impossibly fast rate of speed. You’re left mentally exhausted, your brain gasping for air. And that’s just the first quarter.

To the victor go the spoils indeed, as the winning fans float out of the stadium on a new level of euphoria not previously thought possible without the aid of hallucinogenic drugs. Conversely, the fans of the losing team file out of the stadium with their heads down hoping to make it back to their cars coming in contact with as few, gloating opposing fans as possible. Sure, a few fans from the losing side remain defiant to the end and continue to lash out at their rivals, but its futile as anyone who's ever been on the losing end of the Red River Rivalry can recognize instantly the reflection of the scoreboard in their hopeless eyes.

For the second Saturday this October is judgment day for all Texas and OU fans. And the Cotton Bowl is the closest we’ll come to purgatory on Earth and the heaven or hell that awaits us on the other side.

54b's Commentary - Arkansas Redux/CU Preview

54b — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 06:25:21 -0000

Were those really the same Arkansas Razorbacks that ruined the new millennium for me and turned DKR upside down in 2003? Was that really the same Ozarkian fan base that lives to remind Texas fans that it's possible to hate another state so unconditionally that one can persist on spite alone?

Seriously, after the Horns went up by a couple of touchdowns last Saturday on their way to a thorough 52-10 trouncing, I had to keep reminding myself that McCoy and the Longhorns were taking one of our fiercest rivals to school rather than taking advantage of a defenseless and offensively challenged team mired in a free-fall to obscurity.

Harsh words to be sure and no "sooner" do I write them than I cringe at the thought that we may be awaiting the same fate in the coming weeks against some very potent opponents. But for now I sit in wonder of the most lopsided win in the storied rivalry since 1916 and I'm reminded of the kind of sportsmanship the Razorbacks displayed the last time they delt the Longhorns a heartbreaking loss. So instead of taking the high road, I figure I'll just fight fire with gasoline and rekindle the Razorbacks fans hatred for us with...

The Top 10 Ways To Heckle A Hog When It's Down

10) Hey Arkansas, how does it feel to actually get your "Dick" knocked in the dirt?

9) Will your team be good again when pigs fly or when pigs complete a forward pass?

8) Wow, your offense is so bad, Will Muschamp didn't even make it on YouTube this time.

7) If pork is the other white meat, does that make Razorback the other white trash?

6) Do you find it ironic that the "SEC" won't bail you out of this mess?

5) Let's honor Beck's appearance at the ACL Music Fest by singing, "Soyyyy, un Patrino-Boar, I'm a loser-piggy, so why don't you grill me."

4) You've tried snapping the ball directly to your running back, have you tried snapping it directly to the Back Judge?

3) Is "Woo Pig Suey" really just Pig Latin for "Makin' Bacon?"

2) What's it like knowing you busted your Nutt for a coach who's perfected the art of speed dating?

And the #1 way to heckle a hog when its down...

1) Sorry Razorbacks, you're just not quite up to par with The Arkansas State University.

The Game

Not much more I can say about the Longhorns third straight blow-out at DKR other than before UT's next home game, I'd like to get T-shirts printed up that read...

Texas 52
(Your team name here) 10

Despite a lack of formidable opposition, I've got to admit this Texas team has been impressive and exceeded most Longhorns fans' preseason expectations. And I must admit that I found it somewhat comforting when two of our previous foes, Rice and UTEP, completely demolished North Texas and UCF last weekend even if those teams aren't much better. Still, I'm left wondering if the Horns are really that good, or if our non-con schedule was really just that bad? No doubt we'll start to find out the answer to that question at the...

Next Game

Ah yes, bring on the Big XII and right out of the gate, the Longhorns get a blind date with the Buffaloes in Boulder. CU was undefeated going into last weekend (including a win over a ranked West Virginia team) before dropping a sloppy one to a so-so Florida State team down in Jacksonville. So it's hard to tell just how much muscle Ralphie's packing these days. But despite the Seminole setback, a rash of injuries to the Buffs O-Line, and Coach Hawkins taking that whole "take your son to work day" thing a little too seriously, I've no doubt Folsom Field will be rocking this Saturday night. Hopefully the Horns can quiet the crowd by getting to Cody Hawkins early and exploiting a CU defense that has only been so-so against the run. But will it be enough to get a much needed win heading into back-to-back games with two Top 5 teams? Well, since we can't leave it up to the House of Representative to vote on this one, let's turn it over to the...

Unpredictable Prediction

Never fear, Longhorns fans, one of my friends used to be a handler for Bevo and he's always helped me out with all of my Longhorn prognostication and hooven-quadruped tranquilizer needs. Provided FedEx doesn't mind transporting some metabolic-grade Buffalo-nip to Boulder this weekend and I can borrow some organic peanut butter from the CU hippie faithful, it'll be night-night for Ralphie.

Texas 38
Rocky Mountain Oysters 27

Quoteworthy

I think Coach Hawkins did a pretty good job summing up how we all feel about the opening weekend of conference play when he said:

"It's Division 1 Football. It's the Big XII. It ain't intramurals."

Hook’em,
54b

Road Trip: Boulder, CO

54b — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 16:26:59 -0000

Excerpt pulled from The Eyes of Texas 2008 article, Road Trips & Travel Tips...

Texas vs. Colorado • Folsom Field • Boulder, CO • October 4, 2008 • 5pm, MST

Overview: Located on the doorstep of the Rocky Mountains, the scenery alone is enough to make most people want to pack their bags for Boulder, especially Texans looking to escape the September heat. Colorado is one of the best road trip venues in all of college football.

Tips on lodging, restaurants/bars, tickets, etc. after the jump...

Lodging: Hotel options located on Broadway Street or near the Pearl Street Mall are ideal for their proximity to the campus and the restaurants/bars.

54b’s picks:

Boulder University Inn
1632 Broadway, 80302
303-417-1700
boulderuniversityinn.com

Boulder Marriott
2660 Canyon Blvd, 80302
303-440-8877
marriott.com

Millennium Harvest House
1345 28th Street, 80302
303-443-3850
millenniumhotels.com/millenniumboulder

Transportation: The Denver International Airport is located about 40 miles east-southeast of Boulder and while there is a Super Shuttle departing hourly from DIA to Boulder, a rental car is highly recommended as you’ll definitely want the freedom to explore the Front Range or maybe even Rocky Mountain National Park.

Restaurants/Bars: If you ask someone from Colorado what kind of food they’re known for, they’d probably say, "beer." With the Coors Brewery just down the road in Golden and hundreds of Colorado-based microbrews available, don’t fight it…imbibe it.

54b’s picks:

Walnut Brewery, 1123 Walnut Street, 303-447-1345

Flagstaff House, 1138 Flagstaff Drive, 303-442-4640 ($$$, reservations required)

The Buff Restaurant, 1725 28th Street, 303-442-9150

The Catacombs, 2115 13th Street, 303-443-0486

Sundown Saloon, 1136 Pearl Street, 303-449-4987

Connor O’Neils, 1922 13th Street, 303-449-1922

Tailgating: Most fans choose to pre-game just west of campus at the bars and restaurants located on what is known as "The Hill" (13th Street and College Ave.). By far the most popular establishment is the 80+ year-old restaurant and bar called The Sink (1165 13th Street) that features the famous Sink Burger and an outstanding selection of beers on tap.

NOTE: For any BON readers looking to meet up before the game, my friends and I will most likely be at The Sink by around 10 or 11am Saturday...yeah, that early.Something tells me you won't have a lot of trouble figuring out which group is us. Just look for the crew that DOES believe fat, drunk, and stupid IS the way to go through life.

More good tailgating info over in the diaries from RMHorn and the Rocky Mountain Texas Exes.

Tickets: If possible, acquire your tickets through the CU Ticket Office (303-49-BUFFS, cubuffs.com) or via Internet sights prior to arrival. Be advised that scalping is against the law in Colorado, but locals claim it’s rarely enforced.

Gameday Traditions: You’ll definitely want to get to your seats before kick-off to witness one of the best traditions in intercollegiate athletics, the running of Colorado’s live buffalo mascot, Ralphie. Tethered to a group of handlers, this massive and majestic animal leads the Buffaloes football team onto the field thundering out of its holding pen and sprinting from one end zone to the other and back again.

Local Attractions: Just west of campus is Chautauqua Park (bouldercolorado.gov) where you’ll find several trailheads leading to the top of the Flatirons and other geographic wonders like the Royal Arch, a 20-foot sandstone arch that frames Boulder Valley.

And if your travels allow for an extra day or two, I can’t recommend enough continuing north on Hwy 36 to Estes Park and then taking a drive up and over the Continental Divide in Rocky Mountain National Park (rockymountainnationalpark.com).

Special thanks to Marc Chipouras (buffs.tv) and Wells Person, CU Alumnus

54b's Commentary - Rice Recap/Arkansas Preview

54b — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 02:25:36 -0000

Since 1994, I’ve missed a total of four Texas football home games: Stanford ‘99 and Houston ‘00 due to family wedding obligations, Baylor ‘04 for the birth of my son, and the Rice game last Saturday. (Technically, I was not present for the Sam Houston State game in 2006, but since we all know that game never happened, I don’t count it.) Anyway, I share my 95.2% attendance rate with you not because I desire nor deserve your adulation (Lord knows the number of Longhorns fans who haven’t missed even one home game in that same time probably number in the thousands), but because I want to drive home the point that it takes something rather significant for me to voluntarily miss one of the things I love most in this world, attending games at DKR.

So what Earth shattering event kept me away from Austin last weekend and found me smack dab in the middle of Tulsa, OK of all places...no, not the bail out, it was International Recording Artists, Hanson, of course. Yes, that Hanson of MmmBop fame!!!

Actually, the real VH1 Behind the Music story is some very good people I know, respect, and work with closely were celebrating their 50th Anniversary in business by hosting a free concert with several bands with Tulsa ties (Hanson headlined) to thank Tulsans for 50 great years. And though I dearly missed seeing the Horns thump the 31-point under-Owls, 52-10, don’t think for a second that I wasn’t completely aware of everything going on back in Austin through the miracle of the instant text messenger. And to prove my privy-ness, I’ve included some excerpts from my text exchange with many user friendly friends who were at the game in a little segment I like to call...

TEXting On Tulsa Time

Texas vs. Rice, Saturday Night, September 20, 2008

First Quarter

Dude, score?
Hasn't started yet, but Rice won the pre-game spelling bee
What was the winning word?
“Pervous”
Country of origin?
I think it’s Nerdwegian
Use it in a sentence
The Rice Owl's pervous behavior made it difficult for him to talk to women.

3-0 Rice, thanks bend but don’t break defense
Is Muschamp pissed?
Oh yeah, he grabbed a player by the face mask
So what, lots of coaches do that
Yeah, but he grabbed it via his butthole

7-3 TX, Colt keeper, ran over like 3 Owls
Pride of Tuscola Jim Ned HS
Who was Jim Ned again
Inventor of the DQ Peanut Buster Parfait

End of the first quarter, Hanson on yet?
Nope, still combing their hair
Who’s playing
No one, but I’ve got funnel cake
MmmBop, funnel cake

Second Quarter

14-3 TX, 30 yard TD pass to Shipley
The Albino Squirrel lives
He just flying chest bumped Ulatoksi
Did he break his sternum?
No, but he looked like a Cesna kissing a 777

21-3 TX, 60 yard flee flicker to Shipley, wide open
Good thing we didn’t save that for OU
We’re taking Rice seriously

Owls had 10 plays inside the 5, still couldn’t score
Is Muschamp going nuts
Like an ADHD kid after a Red Bull whippit

24-3 TX Halftime, how’s Hanson
MmmBopping good
How’s the talent?
I feel like Wooderson in Dazed
All right, all right, all right

Third Quarter

Oh dear God...Irby’s knee...it’s real bad
Torn ACL?
If he’s lucky, it got bent the “other” way
Yirp...the funnel cake came back

31-3 TX, Colt’s all-time TD pass leader now
Is Major eyeing Mack
No, but I bet he’s thinking, “Really? Simms. Really?”
Maybe Simms and VY can be co-starters at Tenn
Now that would be suicidal

Chiles in at QB
Hopefully Mack let’s him throw it
One completion, but then he fumbled, Rice ball
Get me Sherrod Harris
He's now our 3rd string tight-end

TD Rice, 31-10 now
Damn it, there went my Pi prediction
Secondary was MIA
Is Muschamp’s collar popped
Don’t know but I think the cleaners shrunk his black polo
Anger has to come from somewhere

TD pass, Ogby wheel route, 38-10
I love that play
I liked it with J-Charles better
What is Fozzy doing
Making Shipley look indestructible

Fourth Quarter

45-10, Chiles rushing TD from 25 out
His nickname should be “Cover”
As in duck and cover?
No, as in cover the spread

52-10, it’s the Cody Johnson show
It that our new fullback?
Ahmard Hall starter kit
Better than Henry Melton starter kit

Game over, time for the Eyes
Should I sing it here in OU country
Do it, do it
Girl standing next to me is mad
Is she a Sooner?
Don’t know, but she loves her some Hanson
Tell her the drummer is a girl
I think she’s going to MmmSlap me

Arkansas score?
49-14 Bama
Is Petrino doing Monster.com ads yet?
Might as well
Call in the Hogs
See ya at the...

Next Game

With Arkansas breaking in a new offensive scheme that relies heavily on the pass and featuring a QB who was such an offensive threat last year that the Hogs opted to directly snap it to their running back most of the time, I think we can safely refer to the the game this weekend as the “calm” between the storms.

Hurricane Ike came before and what looks to be the October from hell, in regards to UT’s next five games against teams who may all be ranked in the Top 25, will follow. Yes, this is a rivalry game and I’ve no doubt Petrino will channel the deep-seeded hatred Razorback fans have for all things Tejas into getting his players pumped up to play our beloved Longhorns...but will it be enough? Is it ever enough? (Don't answer that USC.) When will you people understand that it's out of my control and put your faith, trust, and negotiable bearer bonds in the...

Unpredictable Prediction

What’s the difference between a Razorback and a Hockey Mom?

The Hockey Mom’s team actually has a chance of winning this weekend.

Texas 38
When pigs fly 17

Tailgate Update

Texas vs. Arkansas (SouthWorst Conf. Rematch) kicks off at 2:30pm (You picked a swine time to leave me Lucile) this Saturday. ABC will inexplicably be televising the match-up (Ain't no shame in Musburger's game), but that's a poor excuse to stay home (I have to fix the economy). So get your butts down to the tailgate early (U-Haul Ass down there) and crack one open for America (Freedom's just another word for nothing left but to booze).

Quoteworthy

"Dear Lord, please redeem Ricky and vindicate Vince...oh, and if you've got some spare time, free Cedric."

Hook’em,
54b

PS. As I was putting the finishing touches on this week's commentary, Oregon State was putting the final nail in USC's coffin. And just like it always seems to take some random act of kindness or demonstration of selflessness to truly get me in the Christmas spirit, this upset served as my catalyst for feeling good again about college football.

As the final seconds ticked off the clock and the prison-orange masses of Beaver fans stormed the field to celebrate the upset, I smiled and thought to myself, thank God, it finally feels like college football season.

I don’t know if it was the lack of intriguing non-con match-ups, dearth of close games, or just the general malaise surrounding many of the perennial college football powers, but the season thus far just seemed to be going according to plan, or according to “the narrative” as our resident BON conspiracy theorists are so fond of exposing. It seemed like a forgone conclusion that the winner of the SEC would face either OU, Mizzou, or USC for the title and the regular season had been reduced to a mere formality and every other team, a supporting role. But not anymore, I’m happy to report that crappy antiseptic feel has passed and the future looks wide open again.

Thank you, Beavers, for reminding me once again why I love the game and why this truly is...the most...wonderful time...of the year.

54b’s Commentary - UTEP Recap/Rice Preview

54b — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 15:51:44 -0000

"54b, you said that if I would read your commentaries you'd stay with me all season, but I noticed that during Hurricane Ike, there was only one set of footprints on the beach. I don't understand why, at a time when I needed you most, you would leave me with no commentary."

"My precious, precious reader, I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering last weekend when you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I took a sabbatical from my playing gig at Chuck E. Cheese to cheer you up on the Galveston seawall."

On a serious note, as we're all well aware and many of you may have even experienced first hand, Hurricane Ike ripped the Texas Gulf Coast a new one and Galveston now looks a lot like my coffee table after a night of drunken Jenga. It may be a little late coming, but my thoughts and prayers go out to the people devastated by the latest tropical nightmare and the many BON readers from the Houston-area still without power.

Considering my training in the Cub Scouts left me capable of little more than field dressing a S’more, I can only imagine the survival mode many of you find yourselves in. Here’s hoping for a speedy return to some semblance of life before the storm and maybe a few laughs from this commentary in the meantime.

When last we corresponded, I was on my way to...

UTEPIA

UTEP ain’t exactly a utopia, but I can think of a lot worse places to spend a September Saturday. And that pretty much sums up why my fellow former walk-on buddy and I ventured out in the west Texas town of El Paso where we fell in love with the Mexican food. By the end of the weekend, Clay and I were both back up to our playing weights and were forced to say three Novinas to Our Lady of The Expandable Waistband just to make it back through the airport metal detector on our way home.

Though we could neither pronounce nor spell the majority of the comida we were consuming, I’m pretty sure there’s a hamlet in Juarez missing their sacrificial goat and I'm now convinced you can eat anything as long as it’s smothered in Queso. But alas, we did more than pass gas on our way to the Sun Bowl for UT vs UTEP, aka The Baracho Bowl. After what seemed like the Bataan Death March of tailgating, we actually made it to the stadium to witness the Longhorns take care of business against a feisty Miners team. For those of you who weren’t there because you weren’t taking Mike Price and his Pickaxe of Freedom seriously, allow me to share what it was like leading up to the “biggest game ever” in El Paso history (like anybody could know that). Because let’s face it, the story of El Paso is the story of none of us.

Irregardless, scoot over Pancho and Lefty, it’s time for...

THE ADVENTURES OF CLAY-O AND HEFTY (54b)

To honor all my new compadres in El Paso, who apparently have no concept of punctuality or sense of urgency whatsoever (must be nice), I’ve decided to mark the nefarious events of the weekend using ambiguous places and moments instead of actual times (and because there is a good chance the authorities are still gathering evidence against me including the shot of scotch I left under my seat in the Sun Bowl that didn’t agree with my constitution)...

Friday Noche, September 5, 2008

Aeropuerto – On the flight from Dallas to El Paso, wouldn’t you just know I had the great pleasure of sitting next to an 18-year hotty pants freshman from where else, Texas Tech, on her way home to see her boyfriend (read: marathon chorizo slam) for the first time since she left for college. Yeah, I know, she made it a whole two weeks. Anyway, rather than explain to her that her boyfriend probably spent the fortnight delivering pizzas to horny cougars a la Patrick Dempsey in Loverboy, I decided to bury my nose in the latest issue of SI.

Of course that didn't stop (let’s just call her) Bliss from blathering on and I, and everyone else seated in a 5-row radius of us were made the wiser with some really interesting tidbits like: Bliss’ entire high school class was either on drugs, pregnant or both and she never would have dreamed of staying home to go to UTEP because the guys there are so Emo. Either UTEP guys laugh a lot when they’re tickled or I have no idea what Emo means. Finally, I think she got the hint that I needed her tutelage like I needed another hole in my ass because then she dropped this 4th grade smack down: “You wanna know what, UTEP students call themselves “UT” and call you guys, “UT-Austin.” So I smiled politely and told her I didn’t see any reason why we should quibble over geography when we’re all “UT-Americans.” Well she looked at me like my dog does after I fart on his head to wake him up, but like it mattered, I’m pretty sure she had no maps at home nor any lights on upstairs anyway.

The Vato-Mobile – Another fun fact/caveat according to my blissfully ignorant seatmate was that the majority of El Paso motorists lacked car insurance and driving from one end of town to the other was tantamount to an endless game of Pollo con Gringo. So I called Clay immediately upon landing and we had this conversation....

“Clay-o, does the optional coverage on the rental car include life insurance?”
“No, but get this, I got us a Ford Explorer and it smells like Tacos.”
“Beef or chicken?”
“Combination.”
“Mmmm, combination.”

Avilla’s Mexican Restaurant – Well with that kind of Pavlovian trigger wafting throughout the car, we were easily able to overcome our vehicular phobia and it was only a matter of minutes before our first foray into the world of authentic Mexican food. And when I say authentic Mexican food, I mean the kind where you pay for your dinner on your way out at a cash register area resembling a confectionery replete with everything from Chicklets to pralines made with sugar so fine it was probably cut with a razor blade. Truthfully, Avila’s was pretty good and I had something called “tampiquena” which is basically a skirt steak covered with so much melted cheese that you’ll need a piece a leather to bite down on the next time you attempt to move your bowels.

The Camino Real Hotel/Dome Bar - If you're familiar with the Driscoll Hotel in Austin, that's sort of what the Camino is like only they replaced the old world charm with a nuevo Mexicano theme made popular by Taco Bueno. Needless to say, I wasn’t that impressed and it certainly didn’t help that the AC unit blew hot ass smell, the bathroom hadn't been updated since Cortez stopped in, and the elevators required the patience of a coma patient. I’d really like to say something nice about this hotel, but even their famous Dome Bar with the stain glass ceiling was a let down. It looked like a pretty sweet place, but the speed of service was rivaled only by the elevators and the vibe in the bar felt a lot like a an Enzyte commercial.

Cincinnati Street – With the Dome Bar well on its way to AARP Bucket List status, we figured we’d mosey on over to El Paso's version of 6th Street that much to our chagrin, turned out to be just a handful of bars competing in the Bouncer Bel Grande contest. Here’s a tip: if checking an ID with your left hand mimics the early signs of a heart attack, it might be time to mix in a salad. Every bouncer on the street was at least four bills and broke every law of physics when sitting upon their stool of impunity. No doubt the Longhorns paraphernalia we were sporting didn’t help, but the border-style interrogation we got just to enter the bar was rarely worth the warm piss coming out of their taps. But like the bumper sticker reads, "When in Rome, ay caramba." So we settled on Kern’s Place Tavern which was sort of like a Caribbean Oasis in a desert.

Saturday, September 6 (Gameday)

Jogging North Mesa Street – After a night of light boozing and an extra hour of sleep, I had no excuse not to put the kicks on and get a little exercise. But that would prove to be harder than you’d think and not because I had a year’s supply of Mexican dairy in my lower intestine...Actual conversation between me and the front desk lady:

"So where can I go running around here?"
"Why, who are ju running from?"
"What, no, I want to go jogging, you know, like for exercise?"
"But sir, this is the city."
"Gracias."

Lucy’s/King’s X Bar - After dry heaving a lung running in the dry, mountainess desert air, we decided the only way to feel whole again was of course, more Mexican food. And we had it on good authority that Lucy's on Mesa was where it's at. No sooner had we ordered Lucy's famous Machaca (again, no idea what it is, but it blended well with the meat and cheese theme) then we noticed that it was connected to a sports bar called King's X.

If you remember that biker bar from Pee Wee's Big Adventure, then you get the picture. And with Bloody Maria's on especial for a buck-twenty-five, it wasn't long before Clay and I were starting our own rendition of Texas-Fight that apparently didn’t go over well with the gang of Satan's Helpers sitting next to us. I asked one particularly leather-clad patron if he knew the spread on the game and he said, "twenty to life." But I didn't feel truly welcome until the owner looked right at me and announced to the bar, "I say we tattoo him, then we stab'em, then we hang'em, and then we kill'em." Fortunately for them, Clay drug me out of there before I could jump up on the bar and yell, Tequila!

Tailgate Crashing - Rule #76, never show up to tailgate empty handed. So Clay and I stopped by the Fiesta Mart on the way to the campus and bought a break-away cooler and an 18 of silver bullets which was appropriate considering I was feeling invincible by this point. With the cooler in hand we proceeded to various tailgates fraternizing with the locals until we ran up on two rather vocal Hispanic UTEP fans who were less than impressed with our Longhorn-ness.

So with what appeared to be the cast of Stand and Deliver quickly gathering around us to watch the two trespassing baracho blanco diablos get el muerto, I did the only thing I knew to do at a precarious time like this and offered them two cans of Coors Light in exchange for their two Tecates. Diplomat is not a cover I typically use when talking to angry mobs (or Texas Tech freshman girls), but I doubt a more lasting peace had ever been witnessed this side of Camp David. Not only were Clay and I granted safe passage to the gates of the Sun Bowl, but I was bestowed the highest honor, a pull from the community bottle of spirit juice (I think it was scotch) that would soon have me convinced I was on a mission to find a giant chicken. instead I just found a bunch of UTEP federales who weren't amused.

As for...

THE GAME

Not much to say...partly because I was in the spirit world for most of the first half and partly because it was kind of like watching the air slowly expelled from a bright orange and blue balloon. UTEP was definitely ready to play, but after a couple of quick field goals, Texas did what they usually do on the road and deflated the home team along with their fans. I will say this though, watching UT’s running game this year is kinda like waking up in the middle of the night only to find out the power's gone out.

Do you go with the candle (Ogbonnaya), the flashlight (Vondrell), or the chemically reactive glow stick (Fozzy)? All could technically get you to the breaker box without stubbing your toe, but figuring out which one works best could take all night.

Fortunately for us UT-Austin fans, the power came back on in the 4th quarter and the Horns cruised to an easy 42-13 win. At 2-0 and ranked #7 in the country I'm not sure we could ask for more heading into the...

NEXT GAME
Normally I don’t sweat the nerd herd, but this isn’t your father’s Rice, or your father’s father’s Rice for that matter. Gone are the days of the Owls’ predictable triple option that had the uncanny ability to average exactly Pi on every down. With all those Mensa Mathletes on campus, it’s a wonder why it took Rice so long to figure out that 3.14 yards/down x 3 still doesn’t get you to 10 no matter how many places past the decimal point your calculator goes.

The Owls now feature a much more crowd pleasing passing attack led by senior signal caller Chase Clement who’s managed to put a few points on the board this year and may get Rice back to the post season for the second time in 3 years.

Unfortunately for them, the Owls’ defense is still getting their underpants vertically enhanced on a weekly basis. Plus, nobody, and I mean nobody comes into Greg Davis’ house and pushes his offense around. With two weeks to cram and the Owls dealing with that bastard of Neptune that ravaged Houston last weekend, I’m thinking GD will have Colt the boys so confident they may even attempt putting the Q package in the game more than 3 times. But that’s just crazy talk for now. Will it happen, that’s not for me or you to decide. During uncertain times like these when you can't take anything to the bank, it's good to know we can always count on the ever clairvoyant yet never salient...

UNPREDICTABLE PREDICTION
Texas 49
Neutered Hooters 3.141592653589793...

TAILGATE UPDATE
Saturday's game agains the Rice Owls (It'll be a hoot) is set to kick-off this at 6pm (Oh, must be Night Owls). And though Fox Sports Net (ESPNot) is inexplicably televising this game (instead of Greco-Roman Bocce Ball), head on down to the tailgate anyway (Come on, give in to Beer Pressure) a few hours before the game and get yourself some Barbecue (There's a party in my tummy, so yummy, so yummy) and chug a few beers (It'll cure what "ales" ya). And last but certainly not least (#54 on the bench, #1 in your hearts), don't forget to show your appreciation (Don't sweat the technique) by throwing in a couple of bucks (Flash the cash) to the people putting on this awesome tailgate (Props to my Veeps).

QUOTEWORTHY
“When the UTEP running back carries the ball, would you call that a Miner In Possession?”

Hook’em,
54b

54b's Commentary - FAU Recap/UTEP Preview

54b — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 05:17:50 -0000

How ironic that media prima donna Hurricane Gustav and blow hard Howard Schnellenberger turned out to be mostly all talk in the same week. Much like the ominous tropical depression that recently threatened the Gulf Coast, the Schnellenberger led Florida Atlantic Owls also got downgraded to a "Category Who" when making land fall, dropping an uneventful opener to the Longhorns, 52-10.

But don't you know old Schnelly had an alibi up his plaid polyester sleeve and merely claimed, "well I was misquoted." Of course the press never reports Schnelly-schtick, or anyone else's schtick for that matter, very well, so let me take a crack at it by reading between the behinds to translate the bullsh*t in a little segment I like to call...

What so-and-so "really" meant when they said:

(Before) "(Texas) has great talent, but they aren’t tough, they aren’t a physically tough team." - Howard Schnellenberger

TRANSLATION: "Hey, bartender, Schnelly-boo needs another refill."

(After) "I know one thing, they're (Texas) a lot tougher than we (FAU) are, I don't know if my remarks helped their team, if they did, then I apologize to my team." - Howard S.

TRANSLATION: "Apparently I wasn't wearing enough sunscreen on my head when we won the Sun Belt Championship."

"I've said this before, but I think (FAU) is the best team we've played in an opening game, including N.C. State." - Mack Brown

TRANSLATION: "Arkansas State never happened, I repeat, never happened...unless of course your name is Texas A&M."

"I thought we (Texas) played a near perfect opener for us." - Mack Brown

TRANSLATION: "Any game we don't have to rely on the hands team to recover an onsides kick at the end to win is all good."

"Well, we (Texas Defense) were obviously going to make some mistakes and we knew that coming into the game. We told them the effort is on them and the execution is on us." - Will Muschamp

TRANSLATION: "Nobody makes me bleed my own blood - nobody."

"At first I needed somebody to pinch me or something. It was just overall a good feeling just to get my feet wet and get ready for upcoming games." - Safety, Earl Thomas

TRANSLATION: "If you don't like the smell that occurs after you leave the popcorn in the microwave too long, don't check my drawers right now."

"That's the thing about this team; we're a blue collar team." - DT Roy Miller

TRANSLATION: "If the NCAA didn't restrict it, we'd all still be wearing a piece of tape attached to our helmets with our names Sharpied on it."

"I compete really hard, so when I'm running out-of-bounds, I don't really know what is going on. I just want to get back on the field and keep going. I guess if Vince [Young] was right there, he probably had my back." - QB Colt McCoy

TRANSLATION: "Will UT ever retire the #12 because of me like they did the #10 for VY, who's to say...at this point, I just don't want them to name the infirmary after me."

"There was Malcolm (Williams) out there, James (Kirkendoll), Montre (Webber), all those guys made huge catches. Our young guys looked really good. That's really promising." - WR Quan Cosby

TRANSLATON: "God help us on 3rd and long situations."

"We're (Texas) trying to get John (Chiles) to become more of a weapon and we'll continue to build with him." - Greg Davis

TRANSLATION: "The Q-Package has been renamed the WTF-package."

"The crowd was loud. We kept them hyped." - Vondrell McGee

TRANSLATION: "With the new addition to the north end zone, DKR now sits 98,000+ screaming orange bloods...but for some reason, UT put the the Showband of the Southwest in the south end zone so they could cancel each other out."

And what do you say we give Howie the last word...

"We were beaten badly and soundly by a very good Texas football team...a very good team that defeated a team (FAU) that was not very good on this night."

TRANSLATION: "I guess they weren't kidding when they said, 'Don't mess with Texas ya jackass.'"

But of course, just when you thought the Longhorns' season opening win couldn't get any better, defensive tackle Lamar Houston gets arrested for DWI and suspended for the next game which begs the question, if Sergio Kindle and Henry Melton, who were both arrested for DWI before the 2007 season, were suspended for three games and Mr. Houston only got one game thus far, how does Mack determine what type of suspension to hand out? Does he have a...

Blood Alcohol Content (BAC) to Suspension Scale

If said player blows a...

.07 (or less) - The player is ridiculed for being more sober than half the fans in DKR on any given Saturday night

.08 - It's a one game suspension provided the next game is against a school that only recently began allowing boys to matriculate there and prides itself on the number of Mathletic Scholarships it gives out each year

.2 - It's a two game suspension and an in-home intervention led by an unencumbered Matthew Mcconaughey covering Amy Winehouse's Rehab on the bongos

.3 - Now we're getting serioius because it's a 3-game suspension and not because we're concerned for the player's well being, but because that's how long it's going to take the hangover to wear off

.3+ - No suspension, but the player does get his name permanently painted on the floor of the basketball court a la Eddie Sutton

On Lamar Houston's behalf, I say let he who lives in a glass bottle throw the first stone and I've no doubt this young man knows he let the fans down, the team down, and most of all, himself down. At this point, I only hope the lesson learned sticks and the situation gets resolved in a manner commensurate to the offense. To that end, life goes on and the Horns have to get ready for the...

Next Game

If Texas A&M is our little brother with an inferiority complex and Texas Tech is our nymphomaniac step-sister who's addicted to Meth and Velveeta, I guess that makes UTEP something akin to Cousin Eddie, the blacksheep of the UT family that means well but rolled into D-1 Football on fumes and gave all their gas money to a head coach with an expensive exotic dancer habit.

Despite being unceremoniously sent packing by the Crimson Tide for conduct unbecoming, after only a few months on the job, Mike Price enthusiastically took the job at UTEP and has tried valiantly to make the best of it by bringing a big time college football feel to El Paso.

Unfortunately, it looks as though his efforts have gone in vain as UTEP is riding a 7-game losing streak and began this year with an eyebrow raising 42-17 loss to Buffalo, a team most college football fans think is a figment of their inebriation.

So who knows quite what to expect when the Horns travel to El Paso this weekend, but that's why we've got the...

Unpredictable Prediction

Texas 47
Donkey Show 13

Tailgate Update (Road Trip Edition)

El Paso (Spanish for "The Paso") may not seem like the coolest place to attend a game at the end of a long, hot summer ("I fell into a burning ring of fire"), but considering this game is already being hailed as UTEP’s biggest home game ever (It's a "Miner" blip on the radar), you might just want to make a run for the border (My wife says I'm qualified to be a Minuteman, doh).

Kick-off at the Sun Bowl (Don't look directly at it) has been set for 8:15pm local time (Wouldn't that make it the Moon Bowl) which means we’re all in for a long night (Hello dark beer my old friend...) and an even longer day tailgating (...I've come to drink with you again). For those of you braving the trip out west with me (Call me Cinco-Quatro), here are a couple of pre-game options (Beer or Cerveza, I can’t decide):

1) Check out El Paso’s version of 6th Street (Ay, Sexto Street) located on Cincinnati Avenue right off North Mesa (Come to the Table). It’s about a 10 minute walk (5 if you ordered the beans) from the stadium and this will undoubtedly be the place many Longhorns fans will congregate (Follow the herd) before the game. Recommended bars include the Cincinnati Bar (Got Natti Light) and Hemingway’s Kern Place Tavern (Didn’t he write, "The Old Man Has To Pee").

2) As for actual tailgating (La puerta esta abierta), options for the general public are limited near the stadium (No Vato-mobiles) but there are some lots off of Schuster Avenue on the south side of campus (On the Glory Road) that open at 8 a.m. and permits aren’t required ("Badges? We don’t need no stinking badges").

For those of you watching the game on TV (It’s not TV, H-Bevo) , the game will be televised on ESPN2 (Don't drop the Deuce) starting at 9:15pm CST (The night time is the right time).

Quoteworthy

(Yelling from 10 rows behind FAU’s bench) "Hey Schnelly, Highland Mall called...they said you’re not tough enough to be their Santa Claus
anymore."

"I guess if you play for Texas and have your number retired, they name a sausage after you." "Move over Earl, now there's something meatier."

Hook’em,
54b

54b's Road Trip Travel Tips - El Paso

54b — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 19:00:31 -0000

In case you didn't know...El Paso is Spanish for, The Paso. That's tip #1 and there's a lot more where that came from in the Travel Guide I wrote for The Eyes of Texas 2008...

For those BONers who live in El Paso or for those of you who are heading out to the game this weekend, please feel free to add your own travel tips in the comments section below.

Let's ride,

54b

CLICK THROUGH THE JUMP FOR 54B'S EL PASO TRAVEL TIPS

Click any page image to enlarge, or read the chapter's text at the bottom of this page.

Texas vs. Texas-El Paso • Sun Bowl • El Paso, TX • September 6, 2008

Overview: El Paso may not seem like the coolest place to attend a game at the end of a long, hot summer, but considering this game is already being trumpeted as UTEP’s biggest home game ever, you might just want to make a run for the border next September.

Lodging: Options are limited near the campus and unless you prefer luxury accommodations, your best bet is to reserve a room out near the airport on Airway Blvd., where several mid-priced hotel chains have locations.

54b’s picks:

            Hilton Garden Inn El Paso

            111 W. University Ave., 79902

            915-351-2121

            hiltongardeninn.com

            Camino Real El Paso

            101 South El Paso Street, 79901

            800-769-4300

            caminoreal.com/elpaso

            Marriott Courtyard Airport

            6610 International Road, 79925

            915-772-5000

            marriott.com



Transportation: Unless you’re planning to stay longer than just the weekend, chances are good you’ll want to fly to El Paso. As for ground transportation, there are several taxi companies in town, but reserving a rental car is optimal.

Restaurants/Bars: When it comes to dining in El Paso, you can’t go wrong with Mexican food. And you certainly won’t have a shortage of options. Afterwards, check out the bars located on Cincinnati Avenue (Cross street: N. Mesa) near campus in the historic Kern Place neighborhood.

54b’s picks:

Lucy’s, 4119 N. Mesa St., 915-5443922

Kiki’s, 2719 North Piedras, 915-565-6713

Los Bandidos de Carlos and Mickey’s, 1310 Magruder St, 915-778-3323

Hemingway’s Kern Place Tavern, 214 Cincinnati St., 915-532-7333

Cincinnati Bar, 207 Cincinnati Ave., 915-532-5592

Tailgating: Plan on arriving early as parking options for the general public are limited near the stadium and traffic in and out of the campus area can get pretty hectic on game days. The public lots off of Schuster Avenue on the south side of campus open at 8 a.m. for tailgating and alcoholic beverages in cans as well as charcoal grills are allowed.

Tickets: If you can’t secure tickets through the UTEP Ticket Office (915-747-4234, utepathletics.com), try searching for tickets online at sites such as eBay or Craig’s List. Scalping is legal near the stadium.

Gameday Traditions: You’ll recognize the tunes of the UTEP fight songs, as they’re similar to UT’s, only with different words. On kick-offs, Miners fans raise their right hands extending only the thumb and pinky finger to depict a pickaxe. Before the game, UTEP head coach Mike Price marches out of the locker room with an actual pickaxe on his shoulder, gathers his players around him, and then leads them onto the field as the fans chant, “UTEP, UTEP…”

Local Attractions: If you have extra time, take a ride on the Wyler Aerial Tramway at Franklin Mountains State Park (915-566-6622). From Ranger peak, you can enjoy a breathtaking view of 7,000 square miles encompassing parts of Texas, New Mexico, and Mexico.

Special thanks to John Erfort, Sports Editor, El Paso Times and Adrian Macias, a native El Pasoan and dedicated Longhorns fan.

54b’s 2008 Preseason Unspectacular – The Texas Football Anti-Preview Guide

54b — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 22:37:13 -0000

“Knock Those Mother #@(&*^$ Out!” It’s clear, it’s concise, it really pops. Unfortunately, Coach Brown wasn’t quite sold on new defensive coordinator Will Mushchamp’s suggestion for this seasons team motto.

Instead, Mack revealed to the media last Monday that the motto for this season is going to be “Consistently Good To Be Great,” a phrase he apparently pilfered from the Stutterer’s Self-Help Guide To Picking Up S-S-S-Sluts...and though my inner miscreant yearns for it to be KTMFO, I guess my rational, civic minded self can identify with “Consistently Good To Be Great.”

I mean how else would my blog “54b’s Longhorn Commentary” ever have surpassed “54B - Bras for Full Figured Women” on Google if I hadn’t been showing off the literary cleavage week after week with quixotic post-game recaps that always make you laugh, cry, and spit too, if your name is Buzz Bissinger? What the hell? You’re right, don’t answer that. It was a rhetorical question. Let’s move on, quickly....

Anyway, after masterful bon-mottos like “Do What You Can Do” (2006) and “Earn The Right” (2007) earned trips to the Alamo and Holiday Bowls, I can only hope this year's motto made a greater impact upon the...

2008 Texas Longhorns

If Longhorns fans have read the preview guides or gathered around a water cooler at any point in the last few months, they’re probably thinking a better motto for 2008 might be “Tak’em One Loss At A Time” or “2009 Is Looking Fine.” For the conventional idiocracy also known as the Big XII Beat Writers has been so bold as to all but write off the Longhorns this year, ostensibly squashing all hopes of a Big XII Title by predicting an incredulous 3rd place finish in the Big XII South, which, if you’re a member of the Burnt Orange Nation, is akin to canceling Christmas.

Sure, in 2008, the Horns will match an unproven secondary up against several prolific passing offenses and feature a receiving corps of their own led by a 25-year old journeyman and an albino squirrel that all king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put back together again. But hey, we’re Texas, right? We’ll figure it out by the 4th quarter and if we don’t, we got the most experienced hands team in the country.

Seriously, it’s way too premature to be crying over spilt milk of magnesia. True, the schedule is a bitch, but since when have we ever let the schedule or the Surgeon General determine our fate or BAC level?

For me, my biggest concern going into this year is on-field leadership. (And dehydration too, of course, pass me a beer.) I think most of you would agree that Texas hasn’t sported two legitimate field generals on the gridiron since VY and Michael Huff ruled the roost. No doubt the potential is there for guys like Colt McCoy and Roy Miller, but I think we’re still missing that X-factor, that guy between the stripes the other players immediately look to when all hell breaks loose. You might argue that Colt McCoy already demonstrated his poise under pressure in comeback wins against OSU and Nebraska, but I’m still not sold. And on the defensive side of the ball, we’ve got some senior leadership on the D-Line, but that’s not usually the position group you want your defensive leader to come from. Maybe one of the more talented linebackers will step to the forefront provided he’s not applying for tenure or changing his last name to Akina, Jr. But now we’re getting into X’s and O’s and that ain’t my bag, baby.

As always, this anti-preview guide assumes that you already know the names, playing weights, wind-aided 40 times and favorite Jonas Brother for all 22 starters, the specialists and the water boy. So if you're looking for in-depth depth chart analyses, returning starter ratio theorems, position-by-position breakdowns, or hair highlighting tips, go pick up a copy of Athlon’s, Phil Seele’s, or Tiger Beat. Because if you're reading this commentary in search of answers, I'm afraid all I have to offer you is more questions with the always unpopular...

Un-Scheduled Pop Quiz

1) Did the $900,000 contract Deloss drew up to lure Florida Atlantic to Austin for the opening game include a special bulletin board material clause that required a camera crew to follow a miked-up Howard Schnellenberger around with a bottle of schnapps and a Bevo sock puppet until the plaid-clad Owls’ head coach started talking sh*t? (Please cite Texas Defense vs. Rudy Carpenter in your answer.)

2) If a round of drunken golf in Pensacola, Florida costs $150...lap dances afterward at the Whiskey Tango Lounge cost you $20 a piece...and spending the night with an exotic dancer who has a gold tooth for room service costs you your dream coaching job at Alabama...would being exiled to UTEP, college football’s outhouse, be considered: Mike Priceless?

3) Technically Arkansas is located right next to Texas, but how well do you really know your swine (Fill In The Blank)?

    This little Razorback went to market (Darren McFadden),
    This little Razorback can’t pass (Casey Dick),
    This little Razorback went West Coast (Mitch Mustain),
    This little Razorback got put out on his ass (Houston Nutt);
    And this little Razorback bailed on the Atlanta Falcons and went wee, wee, wee, all the way to Fayetteville (?).

4) How many licks does Mr. Owl think it’ll take to kick Rice’s ass?

5) The last time Texas played Colorado the Longhorns were up 70-3 at the end of the 3rd Quarter. (That’s not really a question, I just felt like writing it.)

6) Come the second weekend in October, will OU suck or will the ‘Horns blow?

7) Texas offensive coordinator Greg Davis waited until it was too late to recruit current Mizzou QB Chase Daniel because he didn’t think the State Champion Southlake signal caller was:

    A) Tall enough to see over the O-Line
    B) Fast enough to run the Zone Read
    C) Accurate enough to throw the Bubble Screen
    D) Going to be quite the team player and role model Ryan Perrilloux turned out to be

8) Billionaire T. Boone Pickens has been widely publicized for throwing millions of dollars behind Wind Power, Oklahoma State Athletics, and 40-Year Old, Man-Coach Mike Gundy’s Virility Vitamins. Which inadvisable investment will most likely pay the biggest dividends, which one will cause him to lose the rest of his hair before November, and which one will give him an erection that lasts longer than four hours?

9) How many uprights must lose their battle with verticality before Texas Tech fans realize that tearing down goalposts causes global warming?

10) Better pick-up line at the Baylor Vacation Bible School lock-in: “Hi, my name’s Matthew, but my friends call me Conan the Seminarian” or “hey, Chastity, can I put a dollar in your collection pants?”

11) Will plus-size wind breaker model and Kansas Head Coach Mark Mangino be patrolling the sidelines this fall in an unmarked Rascal scooter recently reported stolen and doing 7 mph out of a Lawrence-area Kroger parking lot?

12) Pretend you’re the Texas A&M athletic director and write a letter explaining why the Aggies deserve the same shoe contract Nike awarded Texas. Example:

Dear Swoosh,

I know our last coach went 19-21 against the Big XII, but we fired Captain Frantastic just as soon as we figured out his email password. Still, he did lead us to two victories over the same T-Sips you seem to love so much. T-Sips is what we call the Longhorns because we suffer from low-self esteem and have a severe case of penis envy for them. I think that’s why we’re always trying to saw their horns off. It’s kind of sick, but can’t you see that’s why you just gottta give us the same contract as Texas. If you don’t, I’ll be forced to throw away my Nike gameday overalls on which I painted a sheep and underneath it wrote your tagline, “Just Do It.”

That’s not a threat, it’s a cry for help.

Tear drop,
Billy

Extra Credit: Will Mack Brown lead the Longhorns to their eighth 10-win season in a row or should Texas fans locate a circa 1980’s Delorean, some weapon-grade plutonium, and a flux capacitor so they can get to 2009 before our health insurance premiums go up?

Well, for that capricious prognostication, we're going to have to turn it over to the always unbiased, unabated, unabridged, unethical, uneducated, and always uncensored...

Unpredictable Prediction

Reprised from early commentaries...

Was it over when the Confederacy bombed South Ossetia? (Forget it, he's rolling.) Was it over when Mr. T beat up Rocky and made him do uncomfortable man-love scenes on the beach with Action Jackson? Was it over when my Atari 2600 was declared Y2K incompatible? Was it over when the cable company decided not to offer the FAU game on Pay Per View? Was it over when Charlie gave the Everlasting Gobstopper back to Mr. Wonka? And speaking of golden tickets, was it over when the French 4x100 froggy team said they were going to “smash ze Americans” and Monsier Phelps hopes at an unprecedented eight gold medals? Hell no it wasn't over.

(Begin slow clap sequence.) It's not over until we say it's over or Major Applewhite forgives Mack Brown for loving Simms more than him.

Tell the fat lady to quit singing to Mangino. I know Chip Brown quit the Morning News and you feel alone, perhaps abandoned or unloved like UT’s Safeties when Muschamp goes blitz package. But you got to hold on for one more day, things will go your way, and if they don't, there's always the YMCA (or transferring to OSU if you've got some priors). Hey, when the going gets tough, the tough go out and find Howard Schnellenberger and whip his ass just because he said we weren’t tough enough.

Because "We're Texas" damn it, and everything's bigger and more impressive here unless your name is Darrel Scott. So you just wave those Horns in the air and wave them like you just don't care because all we have to fear is reruns of Fear Factor and Colt’s chronic neck pain. But even he will not go gently into that good night because he doesn’t take sh*t from nobody, or wooden nickels either and I don't care if Stoops comes back from outer space with that look upon his face, I will survive. I will survive and so will you damn it. I don't care if it takes all season, I want to see John Chiles make four passes before somebody shoots the albino squirrel and puts him out of his misery. And for the love of good Scotch, don't let me catch you not drinking enough Scotch or watchin' the paint dry. Just win baby. Just win.

Winning isn't every thing, it's the only thing that helps the medicine go down and turn that frown upside down. So swallow your wounded pride and your gum if your chewing some and go out there and give me 110%, at least half of the time. It's go time. It's show time. It's magazines for shin guards, 3/4 inch Spot-built cleats, eye black all over your face, big disgrace, kickin' ass all over the place time.

Play like a pirate every day and show me how to paint the fence, sand the floor, and knock those mother f*ckers out Daniel-son...and when the breaks are hitting the boys, tell them to go out there and win one for the stripper. Mike Price would. Holy shit, pass me the Pepto.

The season starts in 48 hours...go ahead, I dare ya, jump on the Longhorns Fanwagon cuz we're going streaking. 12-0, who's with me?

Quoteworthy
“What does it mean to be a Texas Longhorn?”
“It means I’ll be up at 6AM this Saturday?”
“Why, what time does the (FAU) game start?”
“6PM.”
“You’re getting ready 12 hours early...why?”
“Because I’m a Texas Longhorn.”

Stay frosty and of course, Hook’em,
54b
http://54bblog.blogspot.com/

VY Memories, Like The Corners Of My Heart

54b — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 21:58:36 -0000

Though there’s still no definitive word on when Vince Young’s #10 Texas Jersey will be retired (Our best bet: FAU Game), the BON authors thought it might be fun, and a good way to honor what will most likely be the “Ceremonial Event Of The Millennium,” by sharing some personal favorite memories of VY for that much too short time he donned the Burnt Orange and White.

And while legendary plays like the 4th and 5 touchdown run against USC to win the National Championship, the pump fake and 80-yard scamper against OSU, and the conversion of the 4th and 18 at Kansas are unforgettable and etched into the memories of all Longhorns fans forever, we really want to hear about those moments that are special to you and may not be so top of mind for BON readers as a whole.

Maybe it’s the first time you ever saw him play in person or the first time you couldn’t help yourself and blurted out loud, “holy sh*t, this guy’s good” (which was probably the first time you saw him play in person). It could be a specific play or something he said in an interview or even something as simple as the way he walked. When it comes to those three magical years VY spent on the 40 Acres, it’s all good.

To get the ball rolling, here’s...

54b's PERSONAL FAVORITE VY MEMORY

Even though there’s a good chance I’d consumed enough alcohol to kill a meat producing farm animal, I remember it like it was last Saturday...it was October 4, 2003 at DKR Memorial Stadium during the 4th quarter of the Kansas State game.

The Wildcats arrived in Austin ranked #16 while the Longhorns were sporting a #13 ranking despite getting “Nutted” on by Arkansas a few weeks prior. The build-up for the game received a little more hype than usual (or than it probably deserved) because ESPN Gameday chose it as their game of the week and Fowler, Corso, and Herbstreet conducted their weekly helmet hair battle royal next to the LBJ Fountain earlier that morning. Regardless, most Texas fans weren’t focusing a lot on K-State as most of the tailgate talk turned to the match-up with #1 OU the following week.

Chance Mock started the game and Texas took a commanding 17-3 lead into halftime on a blocked punt recovered in the endzone for a TD and a pretty touchdown pass from Mock to Sloan Thomas with a minute left in the second quarter. VY did get in for one series against K-State at the end of the first quarter, but he mostly just handed the ball off to Cedric Bensen.

Sidebar: To truly appreciate what’s coming, you have to remember that at this very early stage of his Texas career, VY had played sparingly in three games (New Mexico State, Rice, and Tulane) and it was just mop-up duty as the issue was no longer in doubt when he entered those games. And even though he’d completed 7 of 12 passes including a long one in the NMSU Game, he still wasn’t considered a passing threat. Despite the fact that even a blind man could see he was an incredible athlete, most Longhorns fans held him in much the same regard as we do John Chiles right now.

Fast forward to the 4th quarter...it’s now 20-17 K-State. The Wildcats seized momentum and had just recovered a rare muffed punt by Vasher deep in Texas territory. If K-State scores a TD here, it most likely would have been a backbreaker for the ‘Horns. As if on cue, UT’s Phillip Geiger stripped QB Ell Roberson at the 12-yard line two plays later to give Texas the ball back. And back onto the field trotted Vince Young looking just as confident as ever despite suffering what looked like a severely sprained ankle in the 3rd quarter on a nasty tackle by a K-State D-Lineman after VY'd escaped a ton of would-be tacklers to avoid a safety. (Mock was benched earlier in the 3rd quarter for largely ineffective play.) To start the drive, Texas called three straight running plays, two VY keepers and a reverse for Roy Williams, and managed to pick up two first downs moving the ball to the UT 35-yard line. But it was the 4th play from scrimmage that would change Texas fans minds about VY forever and quiet all the "move Vince to receiver" talk.

At DKR, my seats just happen to be located on the 35-yard line (south side) about 10 rows up behind the visitor’s bench. Basically, I was sitting on the line of scrimmage with the ball placed no more than about 30 yards from me. VY took the snap from center and dropped back to pass. Instead of trying to scramble like he'd done many times before, VY uncorked a 52-yard BOMB to Tony Jeffrey on the run, a pass most UT fans including me didn’t even think he was capable of throwing much less completing at that time.

And when I say a "52-yard bomb,” I mean fifty-two yards in the air. There was no run after the catch. It was basically a jump ball that Jeffrey came down with and quite honestly, a low percentage passing attempt, especially when you consider UT was down by four in the 4th quarter. Six plays later VY scored the game winning TD on a sneak on 4th and 1 from the one-yard line, but all anyone could talk about was “the pass.” It completely reversed the momentum and reinvigorated the Texas defense that had been on their heals for most of second half and subsequently came in and completely shut K-State down for the final five minutes.

You'll have to wait until about the 3-minute mark, but here's the play on YouTube.

Epilogue

Even after all that sappy prose and given everything VY accomplished at Texas, I would imagine that it’s still hard for many of you reading this to really appreciate my adulation over a pass play VY would go on to complete many more times in his legendary Longhorn career.

So the only other way I know to really drive home the significance of this play is to do what all bloggers do when they can’t find the words to convince you of anything and that’s liken their subject matter to a cheesy 1980’s pop culture movie phenomenon...

In my case, watching VY complete that pass was like watching Rocky IV when Sly was getting the ever living snot knocked out of him by the CCCPeople’s Champion, Ivan Drago, only to unleash an improbable haymaker to the juiced up Rusky’s right eye and send a shockwave permeating throughout the stunned crowd as the announcer looking on screamed, “He’s cut. He’s cut. The Russian is cut.”

That’s what it was like for me except I was jumping around slapping high fives and screaming, “He can pass. He can pass. Vince can pass.” There were probably some not so family friendly expletives in there too, but you get the point.

All right, considering just about everything VY did at Texas was probably worthy of honorable-instant-classic-mention, I know you all must have a ton of great VY stories to share.

So let’s read it from ya because Burnt Orange People like rehashing past greatness...it reminds us of all that was once good and could be again. Though I don’t think we’ll ever see another one quite like VY again, not in my lifetime anyway.

54b