SB Nation User Blog: AlamedaAphid

Curse of the JSFH House lifted!

AlamedaAphid — Mon, 09 Oct 2006 18:11:00 -0000

In 10+ years of parking in the northwest corner of the BART lot when attending A's games, one landmark has always been the backdrop for my pregame burrito consumption and games of catch: The Jesus Saves From Hell House (below is the view from Snell Street, and here is the satellite view).

In its heyday of the late-80s/early 90s, the Jesus Saves From Hell House stood proud with its message of redemption, its inhabitants no doubt fighting Satan tooth and nail, etc. However, later in the decade, things went awry for the JSFHH; it was abandoned, and (along with the small apartment building next door) became a crack house. The cleansing flames on the JSFH sign faded.

Meanwhile, the A's... well, we know what happened in the mid-to-late 90s and- even worse- what happened in '00-'03. So as long as the JSFHH has been a crack house, the A's have not won a playoff series. Coincidence?

I think not. For, as you can see from the photograph below, the JSFHH was demolished during the last week of the regular season. Pretty clear cause and effect, eh?

Poll

Anything to the JSFHH Curse?

What do you have against crack houses?

40 votes

Yes, that must have been the problem!

18 votes

No, curses are for Red Sox and Cubs fans.

25 votes

83 votes | Poll has closed

There's wireless internet in the Coliseum!

AlamedaAphid — Thu, 04 May 2006 02:39:39 -0000

I'm here at the game (with FreeSeatUpgrade) with my work laptop, and I'm here to say that they have free wireless internet access here in the Coliseum! Why hasn't this been publicized? The signal strength ain't so high, but so what?

Aaargh! Swisher almost made a sweet catch! Haren searches for confidence!

Getcha FREE 3rd Deck Cheapskate T-Shirt!

AlamedaAphid — Wed, 29 Mar 2006 07:09:53 -0000

Yes, you spent years up there enjoying the great view from Section 318... letting your kids kick the backs of uninhabited seats in Section 325 rather than drive other fans crazy in the more densely populated areas... basking in the warm glow that comes from knowing that there are still good deals to be found in life. The Third Deck was a wonderful place... but now it's gone! Not only that, you've been characterized as a bad fan by those well-heeled folks who think the team would have been better off had you stayed at home (no doubt a hot-sheet flophouse located between an electroplating factory and a slaughterhouse) and watched the game on your 13" black-and-white TV with the tinfoil antenna instead of showing up to root, root, root for the home team while they played the (Devil Rays/Royals/NL Team You Never Heard Of).

Now here's your chance to show your true 3rd Deck Cheapskate colors! Let 'em know how you feel about the reconfigured ballpark on Opening Night, as you sport your groovy new 3DC T-shirt, featuring the image of the Bad Fan, the balding, red-jacket-wearing star of such in-stadium scoreboard classics as "Use Foul Language, Go To Jail!" and "Don't Eat Ten of Them Dollar Dogs, Ya Pig!" Just follow the simple instructions below:

1. Print this PDF file on any printer. NOTE: Do not print this on your employer's laser printer using expensive card stock, so you can skip the whole glue-to-cardboard sequence. That would be wrong!

2. Find some heavy paper or thin (noncorrugated) cardboard. File folders, cracker boxes, posterboard, etc. work well.

3. Apply white glue to back of stencil printout. Smear it around so that a thin layer of glue covers the printed areas.

4. Press the printout onto the cardboard. Let glue dry.

5. Cut off the excess cardboard around the image. Leave enough of a border to prevent overspray around the edges.

6. Cut out black areas with X-Acto knife. Yes, this will take a while and requires that you cut out all kinds of weird little holes for the letters... but you're a cheapskate, aintcha? You want a free shirt? Get cutting!

7. Get a shirt (preferably yellow) and some spray paint (preferably green), lay the stencil on the shirt, and get spraying. Bonus cheapskate points if you already have the shirt and paint on hand. Hint: You'll get a clearer image if you press the stencil firmly onto the T-shirt while spraying; this can be done by placing some rocks around the stencil. Spray paint survives multiple washings pretty well.

8. The results. Oh, yeah! Note handy pocket for carrying your $14 Can't See Nothing Section ticket.

9. Here's FreeSeatUpgrade Jr. modeling his snazzy new 3rd Deck Cheapskate shirt. All the other kids will be in awe of his coolness. Note worldly, leading-edge-of-fashion facial expression.

10. Here's FreeSeatUpgrade Jr. upon learning that, in spite of having a shirt proclaiming his 3rd Deck Cheapskateness, he won't be sitting in his beloved third deck this season. So instead of having room to run around and burn off energy in the wide-open, quick-access-to-Stomper-Fun-Zone spaces of Section 321 during a game, he'll be sitting right behind you, cotton candy in one sticky hand and half-melted Frosty Malt in the other, squealing "MARCO! SCUTARO!" inches from your ear and dripping sugary goodness down the back of your neck! Hey, it's for the good of the team! The A's will float to a World Series victory on a river made from the bitter tears of cute little boys like FSU Jr! Boys who might have grown up to be loyal lifelong A's fans, but instead will become hulking, heavily-armed nihilists who will make your retirement years a time of fear and misery.

For those of you who can't manage to scrape up the materials and time to make your own... well, I have serious doubts about whether you really deserve to fly the 3DC flag. But I'll have the stencil and some spray paint with me in the parking lot before the game on Monday (hell yes, I'm taking the day off from work and spending the afternoon tailgating), so bring your blank shirts and look for me. I'll be the guy next to the gold Crown Victoria wearing... well, you know what I'll be wearing.

Poll

Are 3DC members Bad Fans?

What the hell kind of biased poll is this?

30 votes

Yes, and I'm the Spammer King

0 votes

Yes, a real baseball city has only rich fans

9 votes

No, Cyndi says 3DCs, like, totally hella rock!

8 votes

No, they stand for all that is good and right about America.

24 votes

Yes, and I have Bud Selig's image tattooed on my chest

6 votes

Yes, and I never use my turn signal while driving.

3 votes

No, for they are nothing like Angels fans, and this is good

28 votes

No, any sane team would clamor for more 3DCs

16 votes

124 votes | Poll has closed

1991 415/510 area code split and Giants Haters

AlamedaAphid — Wed, 03 Aug 2005 20:56:39 -0000

Since I've been reading AN, I've been startled by the amount of anti-Giants venom displayed here. Not horrified or pleased- I have vaguely positive feelings for the Giants and don't believe "they steal potential A's fans" conspiracy theories, nor do I subscribe to class-war theories focused on stereotypes of the respective teams' fans- but still a little surprised by the passion. What I've noticed in my nowhere-near-scientific observations is that the A's fans who hate the Giants/Giants fans/city of San Francisco/wine-and-cheese-consumption seem to be younger than A's fans who like the Giants or don't care much about them either way, with the under-25 group tending to have the most virulently anti-Giants members.

Which brings me to my latest crackpot theory on the subject: This all stems from the 1991 split between the 415 and 510 area codes (can't recall when the 925 and 650 codes split off, but it was around that time). Yes, in the days before cellphones and fax machines gobbled up every possible phone number, you had one area code for a huge chunk of the Bay Area. Oakland was 415. Lafayette was 415. Marin was 415. And so on. Residents of San Francisco and Oakland could join hands and dance around the One True Area Code, singing "Kumbaya" and celebrating their bond, etc. So, when the 510 split off from the 415, a whole generation of Bay Area residents grew up thinking Bad Thoughts about those auslanders with the other numbers... (why, I hear those 415s sacrifice their own children to Wotan!). Those born too early to have a clear recollection of the pre-510 era- let's say early 80s- grew up with a more intense awareness of the otherness of those bastids on the other side of the water.

So, to satisfy my curiosity I'm going to put out this little poll. The first six choices are really for the use of (current and former) Bay Area residents; I've included choices for those of you who live outside the 415/510 Conflict Zone (sorry, no age groups for you, but I'd need more poll fields for that).

Poll

Age/Residence and Anti-Giantism?

(BA Resident) 25+, don't really care about the Giants.

24 votes

ROY STEELE FOR PRESIDENT!

7 votes

(BA Resident) Under 25, bursting at the seams with loathing for the Giants.

17 votes

(BA Resident) 25+, root for the Giants (when not playing the A's).

21 votes

(BA Resident) Under 25, don't really care about the Giants.

22 votes

(non-BA) Burn, Giants, Burn!

15 votes

(BA Resident) Under 25, root for the Giants (when not playing the A's).

9 votes

(non-BA) Who are the Giants?

5 votes

(BA Resident) 25+, wish only ill upon the odious Giants.

34 votes

(non-BA) Go, Giants, Go!

1 votes

155 votes | Poll has closed

Most Irritating A's Broadcast Ads of 2005?

AlamedaAphid — Fri, 22 Jul 2005 18:09:24 -0000

Now that we're more than halfway through the '05 season, those of us who listen to the A's radio broadcasts have had a chance to hear every one of the current crop of commercials many hundreds of times, which means the really irritating ones have had sufficient repetition to scrape big festering sores into our consciousness. What was mildly annoying in April is absolutely maddening in July; by October I'll be reaching for a freakin' monkey wrench with which to crush my radio to dust when the dreaded voices of those shadow-government enforcers from Round Table, Matt and Marcus, foul the air for the 55 bjillionth time (a couple of weekends ago, while working beneath my car, I tore most of the skin off my back struggling desperately to reach the volume control on the radio- which I'd foolishly placed out of reach- because I knew I'd start punching my fist to bloody tatters against the transmission in a psychotic rage if I had to hear the punchline of the Baron's Jewelers ad just... one... more... time).

Now I'll admit that we've got it relatively soft in 2005; nothing we're hearing this season can rival the dentist-drill torture of Billy Sardell (Pizza Expert) or the Beer Poets (please, dear God, make it stop!) of seasons past, but that doesn't mean we can relax every time we hear "a pitching change and a break in the action." I'm sure that, working together, we can determine the Most Irritating Radio Ad of the 2005 Oakland Athletics.

I'm going to give my vote to Farmer's Insurance, because of that fiendish audio detail thrown in to punish us: the Muzak in the background as the two cubicle-dwelling clods chat about improbable car demise (I picture them in one of those hellish-office/soul-destroying Break Rooms, with the smell of burned microwave popcorn, angry "Remove your old food from the fridge" notes from the receptionist, etc) which subtly morphs into the background Muzak of the ad itself in a bit of brandin-arn-on-the-ol-cerebellum meta-advertising. I feel like organizing a massive billion-dollar insurance-fraud scam targeting Farmers every (expletive) time I hear that (expletive, expletive, expletive) ad. Though the Miller Prevent Taste Loss ads come in a close second for me, mostly because of the indecipherable line barked out by the Jim Jones-esque Miller Lite Compound Dear Leader as his subjects earn themselves shaved heads and bread-and-water diets for their failures: "Come on people! This isn't rocket science or ggzzzfdlksdfaoiw!" and the sinister "This message is totally choice" tagline at the end.

Poll

Most Irritating '05 A's Radio Ad?

Bay Alarm: "Not necessary. Just listen for the fans screaming!"

12 votes

Farmers Insurance: "'A bear trashed your car?' 'A grizzly bear!'"

28 votes

Yahoo Music: Inept corporate rappers on all-treble AM radio, anyone?

4 votes

Round Table Pizza: Matt and Marcus, "Once, twice, three times a smokey!"

29 votes

Nation's Giant Burgers: "They throw you a curve!"

6 votes

Miller Lite: "I WANT to TASTE my BEER!"

59 votes

Pave Fine Jewelers: "Want to hit a home run with your sweetheart?"

10 votes

Baron's Jewelers: "Aaaa LEGacy of ELegance!"

42 votes

Prostate Cancer

3 votes

Benchmark Lending: "...and guess what? We're nice people, too!"

17 votes

210 votes | Poll has closed

BART Lot Cheapskates, Unite!

AlamedaAphid — Mon, 18 Jul 2005 21:00:21 -0000

I've been noticing a marked decline in the quantity and quality of the crowd that hangs out in the BART lot before weeknight games. Last season we set several all-time BART Lot Cheapskates attendance records, with as many as several dozen BLCs sipping Pabst, eating pizza, and listening to the pregame show while leaning against various primered-out BLC-approved heaps. Sadly, it looks like many ex-BLCs have sold out to The Man this year, joining the Daddy Warbucks crowd in the $14 lot while the true BART Lot faithful pine away from loneliness, our only companions the BART commuters heading home and the occasional semi-cheap A's fan heading straight from car to ballpark.
Therefore, what we need is a quasi-organized BART Lot Cheapskates Pregame Party. So here's the deal: The August 10th game features $2 tickets, good weather (probably), and a hated division rival. Any prospective Cheapskates should show up at 5:00 PM in the northwest corner of the BART lot (the area closest to the intersection of 69th and Snell). A few simple rules:

You must arrive via BART or in a car worth less than $2000. Check here if you're not sure your car meets this standard. Bonus points if your car has more than one color of primer.
You must bring inexpensive food and drink. Safeway generic cola or Milwaukee's Best beer combined with a San Jose Taqueria burrito = thumbs up. If you cook a can of pork-n-beans over a sterno stove, Grapes Of Wrath style, you get bonus points.
You must not whine if Something Bad happens to your car while you're in the game. Well, you can whine, but not to me.
You must be cool with the BART cops if they come around to check us out, which means showing respect and making their job easy. They will be very reasonable provided nobody is being rowdy, making a mess, or flaunting alcohol consumption (i.e., no transmission-funnel beerbongs or smashing empties against parked cars).

This is the extent to which I am willing to "organize" this thing. I'll be the guy with the bronze ex-cop Crown Victoria. See you there!

Poll

How do you rate on the Cheapskate-O-Meter?

Bud Selig's Dream: Helicopter taxi to ballpark, Diamond Level seats (including empty seats on either side, to prevent elbow-rubbing with riffraff), private caterer, $100 bill given to umpire for each "truly objective" pro-A's call (just kidding,

1 votes

The Human Seagull: Hitchhike to the game, climb the fence into the ballpark, and eat food I find under seats. Bruises from missed foul balls my only souvenirs.

2 votes

Pretty Damn Cheap: Ride BART or park in BART lot, discount View Level tickets, chug numerous low-end beers in parking lot, bring my own food into ballpark. Buy a shirt or cap on extremely rare occasions.

51 votes

Vaguely Frugal But Not Sacrificing Anything: Park in pay lot, halfway-decent second-deck seats, concession hot dogs and beer, souvenirs within reason.

19 votes

No Corners Cut: Pay lot, great seats, unlimited food/drink budget, the whole gamut of souvenirs (including weird stuff like the Rivercats Drinking Game Shotglass Set).

8 votes

81 votes | Poll has closed

Poll: Favorite Former Athletics?

AlamedaAphid — Wed, 02 Mar 2005 18:44:30 -0000

So, we're all accustomed to seeing players depart- sometimes it's a relief to see them go, usually not. Either way, we're used to seeing former A's wearing other uniforms. I've made a list of some former A's who had significant fan affection at one time or another and are now gone, and I think it would be interesting to see which ones A's fans still (or will) root for the most. Every player on the list had to have been with the A's for more than one season (so no Johnny Damon). I know I'm probably forgetting someone important- no, not Ben Grieve- but what the hell. Maybe I should have put Spiezio instead of Lidle- he was much loved by many fans back during the grim late-90s period- but Lidle's great run during the Streak won a place in my heart.

Poll

Which ex-A will you root for the most?

Terrence Long

2 votes

Jason Giambi

3 votes

Frank Menechino

4 votes

Ramon Hernandez

5 votes

Mark Mulder

12 votes

Tim Hudson

110 votes

Matt Stairs

10 votes

Cory Lidle

1 votes

Miguel Tejada

68 votes

Jermaine Dye

3 votes

218 votes | Poll has closed

Did this really happen, or did I imagine it?

AlamedaAphid — Tue, 25 Jan 2005 22:40:20 -0000

The Coliseum, Opening Day, 2002 season. Sometime after Joe Satriani played the national anthem with the stadium PA turned off, but before the F-18 flew by at the wrong moment to scare the crap out of the crowd with its afterburners, a big hawk came flapping over the western lip of the stadium bowl, carrying a dead critter in its claws. The bird was clearly having difficulty with its heavy load, and lost altitude as it flew on a path roughly from the visiting bullpen to the left-field bleachers. When the hawk got close to the left-field wall, it realized it wasn't going to make it over the other side of the bowl, so it dropped the dead critter on the warning track and flew over Mount Davis.

The crowd went silent. Tejada crossed himself and the left fielder (was it Justice?) backed away in horror. A groundskeeper came out with a shovel and scooped up the critter. It seemed like an omen of some kind, but I've never heard of any baseball superstitions having to do with birds of prey dropping their lunch in the ballpark.

But... nobody else seems to remember this incident, even the people who were there with me at the time. Was this all a dream? A hallucination brought on by too many Coliseum Dogs? Does anyone remember this? If so, just what was that critter? I was in section 320, so I didn't have a good view of the critter.

Poll

What was that dead critter?

Fish

1 votes

The coal-black heart of Bud Selig

22 votes

Possum

7 votes

Nothing, take it easy on pregame glue-huffing in the BART lot

27 votes

Very Large Rat

16 votes

Cat

1 votes

74 votes | Poll has closed

Where are the current market inefficiencies?

AlamedaAphid — Wed, 01 Dec 2004 05:36:08 -0000

So we all know by now that OBP is no longer undervalued in the baseball world and Beane can no longer get bargains there. I'm sure the A's stat wizards have assigned dollar values to stuff other organizations are valuing incorrectly. I'm just wondering what these qualities might be, and I'm not enough of a baseball number-cruncher to make any good guesses. Any speculation? Are they rating psychological factors? Performance based on typical East Bay weather at night games? Moon phases? Some Grand Unified Theory of rating defensive ability that's guarded more closely than fission-weapon initiator design?

The Wave: Really invented at the Coliseum?

AlamedaAphid — Thu, 11 Nov 2004 04:40:28 -0000

I'm going to preface this question with an important disclaimer: I hate the goddamn Wave. I hate the Wave the way I hate car alarms and cute cellphone ring tones. I'm the grumpy, bitter old bastard who always barks at the fresh-faced kids to sit their sorry ass down when they try to get a Wave going during The Crucial Moment in a nail-biting 1-0 game (yeah, punk, you'll be punching a clock for The Man in the salt mines and praying for a painless death soon enough- have your fun now while you can, heh heh heh).

Right. So, here's the deal. I remember going to a game during the BillyBall era- 80? 81?- and I was sitting in some really sucky edge-of-the-bowl Upper Reserve seats. Crazy George spent the whole game frantically trying to get us all to do... something. Beating on his drum, screaming, gesturing. We couldn't figure out what he wanted, but it was clearly way more complicated than "Make a lot of noise when Rickey gets on base!" Finally, late in the game, the little light bulbs went on over our heads... he got our section to stand up and then sit down... then the next one... you know the whole stupid drill. But the novelty made it seem less stupid, at least to my not-quite-so-cynical-as-I-am-now teenage self.

The game stopped as the players stared, confused, while the Wave roared around and around. It made the TV news that night. It was special.

So, was this The First Wave? Or The First Baseball Wave? Or The First Oakland Baseball Wave? Or maybe just one of the many signs of the impending collapse of civilization?