You know what there haven't been enough of this offseason? Articles about the number of wide receivers on the Patriots roster. And you know what else I'd like to see a little more of? Articles predicting who will make it through the last round of cuts and who won't.

The NFL offseason is nothing if not long and repetitive. Once the dust from Free Agency and the Draft settles, all we can really do is sit around waiting for training camp to start while making a series of boneheaded predictions as to how the next few months are going to unfold. How many sacks for Chandler Jones? Who will be stepping in at Left Tackle now that Matt Light has retired? Will Devin McCourty regain the star power he flashed during his rookie year? Is this the year where Tom Brady finally decides to come to my birthday party?

While these are all legitimate questions, no other Patriots-related issue has gotten more attention than the apparent logjam at the wide receiver position. Between Welker's contract status and the plethora of names, new and old, currently on the roster at that position, it seems that there is at least one Patriots receiver receiving media attention almost every day.

Well, time to do my part. There were only two receiver-related links in Marima's post today, and only a dozen or so internet-wide over the weekend. I'm a little worried that unless we are absolutely bombarded nonstop with "who's it gonna be?" style articles, we'll all start to forget that New England has eleventy billion receivers on the roster and not enough places for them all.

Wes Welker, Brandon Lloyd, Matthew Slater, and Jabar Gaffney all seem to be entrenched on the depth chart (unless, of course, Bill Belichick has no intention of keeping Gaffney and only signed him to a 2 year deal just to mess with the rest of the receivers' heads. I wouldn't put it by the man for a second). That only leaves seven receivers competing for what is likely three spots. There is definitely a chance that the Patriots will keep eight receivers, choosing instead to make their cuts elsewhere, but I honestly don't see it. And while we can never be 100% certain who is going to end up making the final roster (see Milloy, Lawyer), I figure that I may as well throw my hat in the ring and try to predict who the lucky fellas are who will be catching passes from Tommy B this season. Each of the receivers competing for a roster spot has unique strengths and weaknesses that will be assessed by the coaching staff over the next few months leading up to what is undoubtedly going to be one of the best training camp battles you'll find anywhere in the league. Here are the strengths and weaknesses of each player, followed by what I think their fate will be come September.

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Ah, the draft.

Around this time every April, NFL fans all over the country are gearing up for what is quickly becoming one of the most exciting sporting events of the year. The NFL Draft represents the start of a new season, a brief oasis in the barren wasteland of the offseason, and a new sense of hope for every single team in the league. Regardless of who your favorite team is or what their record was last season, you tune in to Round One of the draft every year with the kind of optimism that allows you to think that maybe, just maybe, this is the year that we turn some heads around the league. Maybe this is the year your head coach makes a huge move up the draft board and lands the franchise player that will be the cornerstone of the team for years to come. Maybe this is the year you finish watching the draft as excited as you've ever been for the season to start. Come draft time, there is a sense of anticipation and confidence that is almost unparalleled for the rest of the year.

Unless, of course, you happen to be a Patriots fan.

While I thank my lucky drawers every day that I'm a fan of the New England Patriots, it is generally understood that there are two months a year when it just isn't our time to shine. For two months every year, we are given a brief yet terrifying glimpse of what it must feel like like to be a Browns fan - all the time. A period of bewilderment, confusion, pessimism, and even a little bit of despair as the rest of the league seems to make massive strides forward and we are stuck standing still. One of those months, March, was surprisingly productive over in New England. While the Patriots toed the company line by not making a huge splash with any of the premier free agents, they did acquire Brandon Lloyd and signed a lot of solid, mid-level talent on both sides of the ball for reasonable prices. This March, instead of occupying ourselves solely by watching the Redskins set themselves back another three years by overpaying some other team's malcontents and giving away draft picks in exchange for a team that probably would have won them a Super Bowl three years ago, we Patriots fans got a small taste of the Free Agency Victory cake. And while it clearly has nothing on the sweet, sweet nectar of the fruit that falls from the Super Bowl tree, it was a refreshing change of pace to see New England make a number of quality moves. Overall, it was a good March.

And now, here we are in April, the other month when it's usually not so fun to be a Patriots fan. As Pats fans, it's easy to feell a little left out of the energy and excitement that accompanies the weeks prior to the draft. While I neither want nor expect any sympathy from any other fans about my April woes, I have still found myself walking away from past drafts a little dejected in spite of myself. The feeling goes almost as quickly as it comes, of course, when I remember that I have a full season of football coming my way and will be watching the Patriots play deep into January as all the "draft-day winners" are golfing. But still, some small part of me gets irked every time I think about how all the poring over Combine reports, watching college highlights, and trying to figure out how in the hell Mel Kiper is still employed is going to go right out the window come draft day as the Pats trade down, acquire value picks, and take guys that nobody has ever heard of. As much as I would have loved to have seen the Patriots trade up for a Von Miller or stay put for a Clay Matthews, it never surprises me to watch those marquee players get gobbled up by other franchises as we stick to the game plan and target guys that Belichick believes will fit within the construct of The Patriot Way.

For annoying, immature, emotionally stunted man-children like myself, it's easy to forget how good we all have it 10 months out of the year and get a little jealous sometimes; after all, it must be amazingly exhilarating to watch your team make a huge move up the board to nab that highly touted lineman, running back, or receiver that is sure to usher in a bright, Lombardi Trophy-filled future for your city. And while New England has had far more hits than misses over the years, I still find myself looking back at all the players that we could have had if we'd just stayed at our original draft slot, and it makes me want to slap a street performer.

This year, however, I'm taking a new approach. I have recently realized that to get frustrated each and every year by Bill Belichick's draft strategy is like heading to Taco Bell without first making the required detour for an economy sized roll of Charmin Ultra-Soft - you know exactly what you're in for, so thinking that this time is going be different will only set you up for pain and disappointment. Going after the big names and moving up in the draft just isn't how Belichick operates. He knows that draft picks are like currency, and he makes it his mission to accumulate as many as he can, not just for this draft, but for subsequent drafts as well. What this usually means is New England bounces up and down the draft board like a fat kid on a trampoline, trading picks, acquiring picks, screwing over the Raiders, and targeting specific players. By the time the Patriots do finally make their selection, more often than not we are all too dizzy to even do a Google search for the guy that we've never heard of who just joined our organization a full 26 spots before his projected draft position.

In the past, I would have spent the days after the draft on the message boards and sidled up to the sports bars with the usual "in Bill We Trust" rhetoric, spouting all the clichés about how the offseason is a process and the Patriots' record speaks for itself and there's no need to worry that the pass rush still hasn't been addressed and how Belichick must know something we don't by taking a kicker and a punter with both of his 3^rd round picks. And while I would have believed every word I said, inside I'd also be thinking about the articles I read every May questioning whether Belichick has lost his touch and how he's a great coach but a lousy personnel guy and if this is finally the season where years of questionable drafting comes back to bite the Patriots in the ass. I'd be all smiles on the outside, but on the inside, I'd still be just as paranoid and desperate as ever.

But not this year. This year, I'm not going to worry about any of that. The hard truth is that we have the best coach in the league making the decisions that are going to keep this team doing what it has been doing for over a decade now. We all know that the Patriots are going to be in the playoff conversation come December, and between then and now we have an entire season of football to look forward to. So this year, I have decided to let the other fans throw themselves into how their team drafts. I have come to realize that we, as Patriots fans, are perhaps the only ones in the entire NFL that can sit back and enjoy the draft for what it truly is. Because at the end of the day, the NFL Draft is about much, much more than which players are going to become the next group of athletes that propel the New England Patriots to another Super Bowl victory. While it's always exciting to think about what a fresh influx of talent will bring to this team, there is an element to draft day that is all-too-often lost in the hubbub of activity, transactions, and listening to Jets fans boo whoever their first round pick is.

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It's days like today that remind me that no matter how bad things get, you can't keep a good American down.

Times are tough. The economy is still in the crapper. Jobs are hard to come by. Coaches at every level of sport, professional and otherwise, are dropping like flies from some scandal or other. Watching Real Housewives throw each other parties and throw crying fits over the quality of the shrimp still garners infinitely more attention than the upcoming Presidential election. Nobody has taken any initiative to ensure that Kim Kardashian keeps getting flour bombed everywhere she goes. The guy that makes my breakfast sandwich every morning has moved on and his replacement doesn't know how to get the eggs all fluffy the way I like it. It's enough to make you want to just give up.

But as the legendary John "Bluto" Blutarsky once said, when the going gets tough, the tough get going. And that's exactly what Patriots fans everywhere have done. Courtesy of the best fans in the NFL, Calvin Johnson now joins Aaron Rodgers, Cam Newton, and Patrick Willis in the Final Four of the Madden Cover Tournament after beating Rob Gronkowski with a whopping 67% of the vote. And while I'd like to think that my incessant and borderline insufferable campaign to get Gronk the hell out of this tourney had something to do with today's celebration, I know that, more than anything, this was a group effort. The chips were down, our backs were against the wall, and Patriots Nation banded together and did what we had to do. The ways that we can help this team as fans are very limited; you can only yell so loud and buy so many 8 dollar beers at home games. So when the opportunity to really make a difference came, you can bet we all jumped on it. Yes, Megatron is insanely talented and the best receiver in the league. Yes, he is a high profile player that was likely to get a lot of votes regardless of his opponent. But is he 67% better than Gronk? Is he that much more of a personality? I don't think so. The numbers don't lie; Patriots fans simply wanted it more.

Am I blowing this absurdly out of proportion? Is comparing getting Gronk off the Madden Cover to the plight of the American economy one of the most ludicrous, pigheaded statements I've ever made? Is this article a bit dramatic, even for me? I guess we'll never know for sure. But one thing I do know is that I feel like a weight has been lifted from my brawny, perfectly sculpted shoulders today. The dark clouds have parted, and I know that there won't be any added stressors to my autumn Sundays in 2012. My irrational and all-encompassing obsession with the Patriots makes watching games traumatic enough for me as it is; can you imagine what this season would have been like for me if Gronk had won the Madden Tournament? Do you have any idea what it would have been like cringing in sheer terror every single time Tommy B dropped back to throw, knowing it was just a matter of time before Gronk made the catch that would ultimately end his season? Do you know what that would have done to my already fragile psyche? It would be like spending six months stuck in the Tower of Terror, knowing that godawful drop is coming any second, and there's nothing I can do about it. No thanks.

But luckily for all of us, the Madden Curse isn't something we have to worry about anymore. Now we can shift our full attention back to the upcoming draft and the rest of free agency. Let Packers, Lions, 49ers, and Panthers fans worry about that now. Our work here is done.

As always, more than ever, I'm proud to call myself a Pats fan. We did it, everyone. We did it.

OK, now it's time to get serious.

While Gronk has been off Spring Breaking, spiking melons, and serving customers at a Dunkin Donuts drive-thru, we've all been here in the trenches doing our part to make sure that he is on the field and healthy for the entirety of the 2012 NFL Season. And so far, all of our efforts have come up snake eyes; we're now in the Elite 8 of the Madden Cover Contest, and as we all expected, Rob Gronkowski beat out Jared Allen to advance into Round 3. Not to fear, though; while I'd be absolutely panicking under different circumstances, nobody in their right mind could have expected Brandon Lloyd or Jaren Allen to take down Gronk in this tournament - he's just too freaking awesome. So, he's still in the dance and we're all stuck sweating out the Madden Curse for another week. But that's OK, because now it's down to the Big Boys.

Here are the final four matchups:

• Rob Gronkowski vs. Calvin Johnson
  
• Larry Fitzgerald vs. Cam Newton
• Patrick Willis vs. Victor Cruz
• Aaron Rodgers vs. Ray Rice

The good news is that now the competition is really starting to stiffen up. Pretty much all of these players are All-Stars, so we're now at the point where Gronk has a very legitimate chance to get knocked out. His latest opponent, Megatron, is coming off a 96 catch, 1681 yard season in which he hauled in 16 touchdowns and had eight 100+ yard games, including that 11 catch, 244 yard day against the Packers in the playoffs. The guy is an absolute monster and a member of a fairly likable team. He also has the allure, the skill, and the starpower to be a legit Madden Cover player, and in my opinion is second only to Cam Newton in mass appeal. The Lions are my second favorite team in the NFL, courtesy of the 90s and Barry Sanders, and I've always rooted for them whenever they aren't playing the Pats. So, there is definitely a part of me feels bad for wanting Johnson to win this matchup and exponentially increasing his chances of doom. However, a much, much bigger part of me really wants to win another damn Super Bowl, so it's with very little regret that I implore you all to click here to vote for Johnson and keep the Madden Curse away from the Gronkle.

I also couldn't help but notice that, once again, the player I backed to win the whole thing is no longer in the running. First, Tim Tebow lost out to Arian Foster in Round One. I wasn't happy about it, but I understood it. Now Victor Cruz has taken down Darrelle Revis, which is a much tougher pill for me to swallow. I know that receiver is a more glamorous position than defensive back, and that Cruz and his salsa dancing legs are one of the feel-good stories of the 2011 season - but come on! Revis is the best cornerback in the game! Why couldn't he have suffered a serious injury won? I'm calling shennanigans on that one. However, no amount of complaining is going to change the situation, and we just have to vote for who is left. I think it's in everyone's best interest that I just stop endorsing other players and stick to the script.

In fact, if Gronk wins again to move into the Final Four, I may have to launch an all-out "Gronk for Madden ‘13" campaign to completely ensure that he doesn't win it. I don't know how well the Shane Curse can match up against The Madden Curse, but I'm more than willing to sacrifice myself for Gronk in this case. It's the least I could do.

I wish I could say that this was unexpected.

In what comes as a shock to absolutely no-one, Rob Gronkowski has beaten Brandon Lloyd soundly in Round One of the Madden Curse Cover Tournament, taking in a whopping 85% of the votes to Lloyd's 15. I'd like to think that the other 15% came from Pats fans everywhere, but we'll never know.

While it would have been nice to see a first round upset that sent Gronk back on Spring Break earlier than expected, there's no need to panic just yet - we all knew that there was no way that Lloyd was going to beat out Gronkowski in the first round. So, it's on to Round Two, pitting him up against the 7-seed, Jared Allen, who eked out a 58% to 42% victory over DeMarcus Ware in Round One.The winner of the Gronk vs. Allen showdown will then move on and challenge the winner of the Arian Foster vs. Calvin Johnson matchup. And if I were a betting man, I would say odds are good that Gronk is going to take out Allen to move on to Round Three against Johnson (Foster is a beast, but it's tough to beat out a receiver that goes by Megatron). Johnson will, thankfully, present a very tough matchup for Gronk, and that could be our first real chance for progress. However, the sooner we can get Gronk the hell out of this tournament, the better off we'll all be. Click here to vote for Allen and keep Gronk off the Madden '13 cover.

The good news is that, while Gronk is still a favorite to make the Final Four, there are still some pretty big names that he will have to go through to get there. Should he have the misfortune of taking out Allen and then Megatron, he'll still have to face a combination of Ray Rice, Drew Brees, and Aaron Rodgers to get to the finals, where he will have to go up against the likes of Cam Newton, LeSean McCoy, or Maurice Jones-Drew. So there is still plenty of time and there are still plenty of obstacles in the way.

But I personally would not like to leave it up to Fate, which has not been shining its light kindly over New England the past couple of seasons. We all need to get out there and vote. And you you vote for, other than not Gronk, is up to you. Last week, I campaigned hard to get Patriots Nation to endorse Tim Tebow, hoping that he would be able to use his magical powers to break the Madden Curse and restore order to the video game world. As usual, I once again proved myself to be useless, as Tebow, was bested by Arian Foster and is no longer in the running. Obviously the Good Lord has plans for Tebow that don't involve getting injured this season, most likely in the form of taking Sanchez's starting job away from him mid-season and sending the entire city of New York into a giant tailspin. And honestly, that's just fine with me. But now that Tebow is out, it's time for me to back another candidate, and I'd like to fully endorse Darrelle Revis for Madden '13. Revis is one of the best, if not the best, cornerback in the league, and he totally deserves it.

So let's make it happen.

I know we're right in the middle of Free Agency. I know that there is a lot going on, both in New England and around the league, and I know that there is much to analyze and break down. But I'm going to take a step away from all that to bring you what I think is a service announcement of the utmost importance.

I've never tried to hide the fact that I'm a superstitious guy. I'll be the first to admit that I have more than my fair share of pre, mid, and post-game rituals that may or may not directly influence the success of the New England Patriots. I may or may not change my underwear during the playoffs. I may only be allowed to take swigs of beer on opponent's passing downs. And I may possibly have a little Tom Brady doll in my closet that I provide with fresh goat's milk and sage. Nobody will ever know.

But one thing goes beyond any and all superstition, misconception, fantasy, or any other word you want to use to try and dismiss the will of The Football Gods, and that is The Madden Curse. Say what you want about how effective my preseason beard or my air-hump touchdown dance is, but the The Madden Curse is 100% real and everyone knows it. Just ask Garrison Heart, Barry Sanders, Eddie George, Dante Culpepper, Michael Vick, Ray Lewis,Donovan McNabb, Shaun Alexander, Vince Young, Brett Favre, Troy Polamalu, and Peyton Hillis about that curse, and they'll tell you the same thing. There's no real explanation for it, and there are still those who try to pass it off as nonsense, but as Bill Cosby once said, the proof is in the pudding. Almost every player who has been on the cover of the Madden football game has either gone on to get seriously injured or have a historically bad season the following year. Some even say it was The Madden Curse, and not years of wear, tear, and playing for an awful football team, that caused Barry Sanders to retire soon after he was placed on the cover.

Up until now, we as Patriots fans have been fairly lucky. We have yet to have any players on our favorite team fall victim to this curse. Tom Brady has blissfully steered clear. Bill Belichick wouldn't give his permission to do it even if it came to that. Even Randy Moss, during his record-setting year, avoided the cover. However, we now find ourselves at the beginning of the voting process for who will next grace the cover of Madden '13, and for the first time, we are in real danger . To my utmost horror (although it wasn't all that shocking, to be honest), two Patriots are currently in the running: Rob Gronkowski and Brandon Lloyd. To make matters worse, Gronk is currently positioned as the #2 seed, taking the backseat to only Aaron Rodgers in his division and making him one of the surefire favorites to go deep in this tournament. Luckily for us, Gronk's first matchup is against Lloyd, so we'll only have to worry about one Patriot come Round 2. And let's not kid ourselves here: as much as I love Lloyd, there's no way he's going to beat out Gronk in the popularity poll. So that means Gronk is our representative going into some kind of weird reverse Hunger Games for who gets sacrificed for the cause.

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This happens every year, doesn't it?

Free Agency opens, the same teams come out of the box and make some huge signings, everyone is all fired up about the sudden shift in power in the various divisions, and fans all across the country are dancing in the streets over their new quarterback or receiver or defensive end or whoever it is that just became set for life with a massive payday. ESPN and NFL Network are airing coverage nonstop of various free agent desitinations and making predictions about who is going to land where next. After a dark, grey February without a cheerleader in sight, Free Agency blows through March like a warm spring breeze and gets everyone excited for football again. It's a brief, beautiful oasis in the dry, arid desert of the NFL offseason.

And once again, we Patriots fans are standing on the sidelines like a nerd at the prom, watching everyone over in Washington and Tampa Bay taking their shiny new players out for a spin. The days pass, and more and more players travel off to teams that don't play in Foxboro. And with each new signing, that little pit in our stomachs grows just a little bit. It's never surprising, but for some reason we still find ways to let it get to us, don't we?

After all, we all knew, deep down, that New England wasn't going to sign Vincent Jackson, but then...well...they didn't sign Vincent Jackson! Mario Williams never really had a shot at being a Patriot, but...well... now he isn't a Patriot! We try to tell ourselves to relax, Super Bowls aren't won in March, and in Bill We Trust, but there's still something about seeing the players we really wanted to join the Pats take their services elsewhere that makes us feel like the last puppy left in the box as all our brothers and sisters travel off to their new homes.

Sure, there are always some free agent signings in New England - but they are very rarely the kind that makes you get so hydrated from celebrating that you have to call in sick to work the next day. Patriots free agents are more often than not solid, role-player guys that make sense in the Patriots' system but aren't seen as legitimate game-changers. They are the kind of players that are fun to analyze and guess as to how Bill Belichick will best use them, but they weren't on the top of anyone's wish list. They are Jonesville Community College when we were reeeeallly hoping to get into Harvard.

I know it's all going to work out. I know that every player the Patriots bring in is there for a reason and will help make this team better. I know that the Patriots will most likely be hosting a playoff game in January 2013. But of course, in spite of all this, Hank is once again having at it. He's worried that the rest of the league is getting better while the Patriots are standing still.

It's time to shut him up.

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Merry Free Agency Eve, everyone!

Over the past few weeks, I've been breaking down all of the impending free agents that I think would make the best Patriots. Some were franchised (stupid Michael Griffin), some were resigned with their respective teams (stupid Robert Mathis), and some are still about to hit the market (Come on, Brandon Lloyd!). While nobody will ever know what goes on under Bill Belichick's hood, the speculation will be over shortly, and soon we'll be able to stop making guesses about who the team will sign and start obsessively overanalyzing each new Patriot. I personally am looking forward to setting unrealistic expectations about how much of an impact each player will have and figuring out ways to convince myself of how much better the defense will be in 2012.

But that is something for another day. There are still a few positions that I haven't touched on yet in regards to free agency - quarterback, tight end, and special teams. The reason that I didn't devote an entire article to any of these positions is that the Pats are pretty much set there, and any free agent they choose to sign would more likely be an insurance policy (they could definitely do with another tight end, but more on that in a minute). Rather than ignore them all together, I figured I would close this series (best to end with a fizzle instead of a bang, I always say) by highlighting the remaining positions and naming some players that New England could possibly sign, either for depth or to increase competitiveness in training camp.

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Have you ever seen one of those couples that are always fighting?

I never understood it, but you see it all the time. Two people, who have been together for years, do absolutely nothing but argue all the time about absolutely everything. They can't even seem to walk down the street without getting into it over who should be walking closest to the sidewalk and whether it makes sense to take a cab or not. They only seem to be happy when they are in a fight, and even then it's hard to tell if they are truly enjoying themselves. Personally, there is nothing I enjoy less than fighting with the girlfriend (especially since 99 times out of 100 whatever we are fighting about is my fault and I know I'm going to have to do some serious groveling), but there are just some couples out there that simply can't get enough drama. And if you happen to be one of the people I just described and it seems to be working well for you, then by all means keep at it; after all, love is an inexact science But I just don't understand how you can have any real stability in a relationship based on conflict. For me, it's all about harmony.

Well, that, and keeping the one that REALLY matters in the relationship safe and happy.

Stability, harmony, and keeping the better half safe and happy is pretty much all I can ask for from New England's offensive line. I know that the O-Line isn't the most exciting place on the football field - but it is undoubtedly one of the most important, especially when they are charged with protecting some extremely precious cargo. The good news is that, for the most part, the Patriots look fairly well-stocked along the line. There are still a few question marks regarding whether or not they will re-sign Dan Koppen/Dan Connolly, and Brian Waters and Matt Light are still contemplating retirement, but for the most part there are enough pieces in place to ensure that Tommy B will have plenty of protection in 2012. However, as last year showed, it can never hurt to have depth at this position, and there will be some quality linemen available next week that aren't likely to command a huge salary.

A look at the available offensive linemen that might be a good fit for New England after the jump.

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There are a lot of amusing nicknames out there that we use to describe our significant others. Warden. The Ol' Ball and Chain. Pookie. Muffin.The Old Man/Lady. Sweetcheeks. I once had a girlfriend who called me butthead.

But perhaps no nickname is more fitting, at least in my case, than the term "my better half." Because that's really what love is all about, isn't it? Finding someone that makes you a better person, someone you want to make some positive changes for. Of course, wanting to make a change for someone you love doesn't mean that you completely alter who you are altogether. After all, when you love someone, you love all of them fully. You take the good with the bad, the pretty with the ugly, and you stand behind your mate no matter what. It's important, in a relationship, to know that you will always have someone who will defend you, even if there are times when you may not deserve it.

And when it comes to the 2011 New England Patriots defense, we've all had to do a lot of standing by our man this past season. While experts, analysts, and opposing fans everywhere were laying into this 31st ranked defense, we were busy making the case that the numbers weren't important. Our best argument was probably that yards allowed doesn't really matter so much, and it's points against that are the real indicator. We also made the case that when you have a big lead and are scoring a lot of points, which the offense certainly did, teams have to throw more against you and thus are going to rack up the numbers. There was talk about how the corners struggled because the pass rush wasn't solid and there wasn't much safety help over the top. These are all good arguments, and valid points, to be honest.

But you know what? I, for one, am sick of making them. I don't want to sit at a bar on Monday and try to say that the reason Dan Orlovsky absolutely shredded New England's secondary because it was garbage time and the Pats were in Prevent. I don't want to give Buffalo Bills fans hope by allowing their quarterback to pass the ball at will. I don't want Vince Young to think he ever has a shot at playing in the NFL ever again. I'm sick of giving up yards and big plays.

I love you, Patriots...but I'd like you to change. Will you change, please? For me??

To say New England's cornerbacks underachieved this year is a bit of an understatement. I don't even want to think about all the times during the regular season when they would give up 18 yards on a 3rd and 17 or leave slot receivers all alone over the middle of the field. We've had to endure 500 yard passing days from no-name quarterbacks, wide receivers forced into nickel packages, and other teams' practice squad rejects as our starters. Our All-Pro Rookie of the Year candidate in 2010 looked more like an All-Schmo Snookie on the Pier in 2011. Our 2nd round draft pick went on IR before he ever really got a chance to show off his skills. All in all, I'd say the Patriots' corners were largely responsible for the large green cloud of profanity still floating over Central Brooklyn.

Whether the DB position is addressed via the draft, free agency, or more effective coaching of the players currently on the team, something needs to be done to avoid a repeat of last season. And since this is a series on free agency, let's take a look at the available cornerbacks, and which ones would be the best fit for the Patriots.

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You know what always used to drive me nuts?

I'd be out on a weekend with my friends, freshly showered, shaven, looking quite dapper, and right in the middle of what was about to become my fourth consecutive rejection of the night, this time by a cute brunette who I can tell is rapidly scanning her mental excuse bank for the perfect reason why she can't go out with me. And as I'm standing there, just waiting for the ax to fall, usually to the tune of "I really don't have time for dating right now," in walks an absolutely gorgeous woman - the kind that makes the record scratch and the whole bar to turn their heads. And on her arm, without a care in the world, is some pale, shapeless mass of man that looked like he was fresh out of an open casting call for The Walking Dead.

At first, I think to myself, "that guy must be loaded," but his mustard-stained clothes and New England Associated Barber's College haircut quickly suggested otherwise. The next line of reasoning was, "well, maybe it's a pity date." But it only takes a minute or so of jealous staring to realize that this woman - this beautiful, beautiful woman - is genuinely into him.

Which, of course, always begged the final question, one that has plagued lonely men for centuries:

What on earth does she see in that guy?

We've all asked that question at some point or another, and unfortunately there is no simple answer. The funny thing is, I'm fairly certain that I am now the subject of that question whenever my girlfriend and I go out on the town. I can't imagine what men everywhere must think when they see a petite, blue-eyed, blonde goddess out with...well, me. I guess, at the end of the day, what it simply comes down to is that we all have certain qualities that we are just plain suckers for. Some of us will always fall for a winning smile. For others, a beautiful set of baby blue eyes will send our hearts aflutter. They say that if you can make a woman laugh, she's yours. Some women die for dimples. If this wasn't a family blog, I could go on to mention certain other...um...assets... that men and women look for. Perhaps there are some female Pulpiteers out there who would love nothing more to be swept off their feet by a man with long hair, a chiseled jawline, and a large broadsword draped over a muscular back.

Or something like that. I've never actually opened any of those romance novels I see in the checkout lines at grocery stores, so I could be wrong there. The point is that everyone has their thing that they are into, the quality that they look for in a mate that just sends them over the edge.

When is comes to coach Belichick, few things light his fire like hard-hitting, intelligent, multi-purpose linebackers. For years now, New England's defense has been built around a core linebacking unit that has been able to give opposing quarterbacks different looks and transition seamlessly in and out of multiple defensive schemes. Unfortunately, gone are the days of Tedy Bruschi, Willie McGinnest, and Ted Johnson; it's been a while since the Patriots were able to boast the kind of linebackers that helped bring this team three Lombardi trophies.

The good news is that the linebackers on the roster in 2011 definitely showed flashes of becoming an elite unit. Injuries definitely took their toll throughout the season, but overall, I think the Patriots are in fairly good shape at the linebacker position. Anchored by Jerod Mayo, there is a fair amount of depth and varying skillsets to meet the rigorous demands of the position. However, that doesn't mean that the Patriots couldn't do with some more talent back there, and there are actually some very quality linebackers available via free agency this year. Here are the best of the group, as well as those I think would make the most sense in a Patriots uniform.

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I think I've established, more times than any man probably should, that I'm no expert on relationships. My understanding of the opposite sex is about as broad as Keanu Reeve's acting range. Or Keanu Reeve's intellect, for that matter. And to make matters worse, it seems that the harder I try, the less I know. The only thing that I have managed to piece together after all these years of bumbling incoherently down the Road of Love is that there seems to be somewhat of a shaky checklist to the whole romance process, one that is fairly well-known and followed by most love-seekers out there; unfortunately, we can't just pass notes or have friends do all the dirty work for us forever.

First, you find that you are attracted to someone. Then, once you gather up your nerve, you ask him/her out and you go out a few times. Then, a few dates later, you become a couple (which nowadays is more or less determined by a conversation as to whether or not to change your Facebook status to "in a relationship." Weird). Then, if all goes well, you move in together. If all is still bright and sunny after that, it's time for The Big M. The Plunge. Cashing it all in. Tying the Knot. The list goes on.

And it's this final step where America has lost it's way - the institution of marriage has really taken a hit over the past few decades. There was once a time when it truly was "till death do us part;" a couple got married, they worked at it, they stuck it out when it got rough, and they grew old together. Now, it seems like all it takes is a funny look or a few too many reminders to put the toilet seat down to send a couple to court. The average American marriage lasts for eight years - I have underwear older than that.

But they don't all end in divorce, do they? Once in a while, you'll see an old couple sitting in the park or walking down the street, smiling at each other, happily holding hands, and it restores your faith in the world. You realize that for every sham marriage, shotgun wedding, celebrity cry for attention, and we're-young-and-in-love elopement, there are still some people out there who know how to make a relationship work.

But how do they do it? That really is the million dollar question - what are the keys to a long, healthy relationship? Ask ten married couples that have been together for an extended period of time what their secret is, and I bet you'll get ten different answers as to why their relationship works. And that makes sense, to be honest; everyone is different, so it's only fitting that every marriage is different. However, I think you'd be hard pressed to find those who would disagree that there are at least a few universal truths that make for a long, successful relationship. There needs to be trust. There needs to be stability. An open line of communication is a must. Willingness to work hard and to work together. A desire to help the other succeed.The knowledge that you will always have someone who is behind you at all times, will catch you when you fall, and be there for you in your time of need.

Looking back on that list, those are all qualities that the Patriots were missing at the safety position last year. In a position where strength, trust, and communication are so important, the Pats were forced to shuffle guys in and out of the lineup with the kind of nightmarish frequency that I thought was once reserved only for the night shift at a telemarketing firm. In fact, for a large portion of the 2011 season, I considered it a win if I even knew who was back there at safety and I was able to yell out the right name when he bit on a playfake or was caught way out of position.

Yelling out the right name. Now that should definitely be on the list.

The Patriots need help at safety - this much is obvious. Unfortunately, safety is one of the areas where the 2012 Free Agent Class is relatively thin. More likely than not, this will be a position that gets addressed through the draft. However, there are definitely some safeties of note that will be available, and any one of these players would represent a nice step up from... well, whoever our starting safeties were last year.

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We all have them, men and women alike. Since the dawn of time, pictures of them have adorned cave walls, the insides of lockets, bedroom ceilings, computer desktops, and, if you're like me, carefully doctored photographs of the two of us at our wedding. They were stuck inside lockers, pasted on backpacks, and doodled into the margins of homework assignments Today's generation has them as the backdrops on their IPhones and have downloaded their voices as ringtones. How we worship them has changed over the years, but it's still the same thing.

Everybody has their celebrity crushes.

I've definitely had my share of dreamgirls over the years; Daphne from Scooby Doo, Ashley Banks from The Fresh Prince, CJ from Baywatch, Buffy from Buffy the Vampire Slayer - it seems that every two or three years, a new beauty would grace my TV screen and capture my heart anew. However, in spite of all the starlets that have come and gone over the years, from Jessica Rabbit to Mila Kunis, one girl and one girl alone will forever have my heart: Saved By the Bell's Kelly Kapowski.

Kelly and I once had a bright future. She was a simple girl, and I was a simple guy. I just knew it was meant to be. Alas, she moved on, married Zack Morris, and that was that. I think that deep down, I knew we could never be, but that didn't stop me from thinking about what it would be like if I was just born seven years earlier and lived in the Bayside High School district.

Sometimes, I still wonder what could have been. Please don't tell my girlfriend.

And as Patriots fans, I think it's safe to say that we've spent the past few years with posters of a marquee pass rusher taped to our walls, dreaming about what it would be like to have a player on this team that will strike fear into the hearts of opposing quarterbacks and quickly make us forget the days when the Chad Hennes and Dan Orlovskys of the world had 8 seconds in the pocket to throw and made our secondary look more like a bunch of Screeches than AC Slaters. We have all entered the past few offseasons hopeful that maybe this is the year where Bill Belichick will go out and acquire the pass rusher that will once again help get this defense back to the glory days of the early 2000s. And while he always does seems to bring in a lineman or two, some of whom actually turn out to be great additions to the defense (thank you, Andre Carter), it's been a long time since I've gotten that warm, fuzzy feeling I used to get when I saw Kelly in her Bayside Tigers cheerleader outfit.

Well once again, here we find ourselves - another offseason, and we still need a pass rush. The good news is that there are some very solid players that are about to become free agents that are right up Belichick's alley: fast, strong, versatile ends that will fit perfectly into New England's defensive scheme and won't come with a huge price tag. Of course, the bad news is that this is a dance we have done before in years past, and know all too well what it feels like to be stuck by the punch bowl all alone. With four picks in the first two rounds of the draft, the Patriots could definitely look to bolster the pass rush there instead. But with the talent that going to be available, I think that this is finally the year New England makes a move and brings in some proven veteran help along the defensive line.

I also once thought that I was going to move to LA to be with Kelly as soon as I turned 18. So I don't know how much faith you can put in my judgment.

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It’s happened to the best of us, hasn’t it?

We’re with our significant others for a nice evening out, perhaps dinner and a show, or maybe a few drinks at a romantic, secluded bar. A nice chance to relax, get away from the stress of everyday life, and remind ourselves how lucky we are to have found someone who accepts our Patriots mania and puts up with the 5 months of Sundays every year when we are all basically inaccessible. We all need a little romance in our lives, and having the occasional date night is a great way to fan the flames of love. So we make time for each other, get all dolled up, and hit the town.

All is going great. Sparks are flying. Emotions are running high. Love is in the air. But then, out of the corner of our eye, we spot someone else. Someone very attractive, sidled up to the bar dressed to kill and just looking for someone nice to steal away from their beau for a whirlwind trip to Barbados.

Nothing ever comes of it, of course. There may be some furtive glances exchanged, maybe a smile or two, and perhaps a brief but enthusiastic game of "I wonder what would happen if…", but that’s pretty much it. We quickly go back to the one we love and hope we haven’t been caught red handed checking out someone else. And even if you are busted, hopefully you are with someone who is secure enough in the relationship to not care if your eyes occasionally wander.

The point of this story is that even if you are happily involved with someone, and even if you don’t see yourself ever going anywhere, there’s never any harm in just looking. It's a natural human behavior to check others out, be it the cute bartender/waitress, the pool boy, or the supermodel wife of a certain dimple-chinned quarterback. Sometimes you just need to see what else is out there, even if for no other reason than it makes you appreciate what you have at home. There’s a BIG difference between looking at the menu and ordering off of it, and as long as you are able to separate the two, you’ll never come home to find all of your stuff on the lawn and all four of your car tires slashed.

And that's pretty much the situation that the New England Patriots are in regarding the running back position. I imagine that the Patriots are fairly happy with who they have at running back. They are already in talks to re-sign BenJarvus Green-Ellis, Danny Woodhead is still under contract, and 2011 draft picks Shane Vereen and Stevan Ridley both showed some proimise in the opportunities they were given last season. With all of the other needs this team has, I really don’t see the Pats making any major moves in free agency to pick up another back.

There are definitely a few sexy picks out there, though. And it definitely can’t hurt to look, right?

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I have a shocking confession to make: before I met my girlfriend, I didn't go on too many dates. You may find it almost impossible to believe, but I'm not exactly a ladies man.

I know, I know. Hard to believe. I mean, what woman wouldn't want a lazy, overweight, crude slob who spends most of his free time obsessing over the New England Patriots and is more likely to notice Tom Brady's new haircut than his girlfriend's? What lady wouldn't swoon over a man who can recite the entire Pledge of Allegiance in a single belch and whose idea of a romantic evening is watching Dumb & Dumber by candlelight? What's not to love in a man who hasn't bought a new article of clothing in over six years?

My glaring personal flaws aside, I also just wasn't a fan of the whole dating scene. I imagine a lot of it was because I got more than my share of polite "Nos" (and more than a few "HELL Nos") when asking women out, but there was more to it than that. Honestly, I just found the whole process exhausting. Once you finally do work up the courage to ask a woman out, it's only just beginning; you still have to put on pants, go out for meals, be on your best behavior, wonder what she's thinking, navigate that miserably awkward end-of-date-do-I-kiss-her-or-not moment, and then go through a whole back and forth as the two of you figure out if you're compatible and whether it's worth entering into a relationship. I always found it more enjoyable to just skip the whole process altogether and spend my evenings poring over my fantasy lineups.

I think another part of it was I that knew, underneath all of this flab and shame and powdered cheese dust, that I was a nice guy. And women didn't like nice guys. They liked good looking jerks who rode motorcycles to their modeling shoots and tipped valets with bills instead of coins. For a long time, it seemed that nice guys really do finish last, and so I didn't go on too many dates.

But then, one day, I realized something. Sure, I may not be the sexiest pick out there. I may not have the most money. And I may not see the use in showering every single day. But you know what? I'm stable. I'm honest. I look out for the greater good and put others before myself. I'm the kind of guy you want buying tiny little Tom Brady jerseys for your children. Once ladies get tired of riding on the back of motorcycles and pissing off their parents, I'm exactly the kind of guy they come looking for. There are plenty of women out there who value what I'm able to offer. Those that don't? Well there's the door.

And maybe that's why I love Free Agency so much. It's like knowing that on March 13, 2012, a whole bunch of gorgeous women are going to simultaneously hop off their loser boyfriends' bikes and come looking for a nice, stable guy who toes the line, puts others first, knows the meaning of hard work, and has a reputation for doing things the right way.

That he has a whole lot of money to throw around and desperately wants a ring on his finger certainly isn't hurting any, either.

The 2012 Free Agent Class is as solid as any I can remember in recent years. The Patriots have needs at wide receiver, defensive end, and in the secondary, and there are players available at all of those positions that will be a great fit for New England and can make a huge impact on this team. And, unlike me during my formative years, the Patriots present an attractive option for someone looking for something other than some jerk with a big mouth and a fat wallet.

I've compiled a wish list of sorts, broken down by position, that I'm going to be sharing over the next few weeks as Free Agency approaches. Some of the players on my list have virtually no chance of playing in New England, but that's why it's a wish list, right?

There is plenty to talk about in regards to all of the free agents out there, on these lists and otherwise, and I'm sure we'll be breaking them down in more detail down the line. For now, though, time to dust off the ol' aftershave and start wooing.

I figured I'd start with wide receiver. It is the most exciting position and one that is going to receive a lot of attention this month.

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Superman had it right. Sometimes you just need a Fortress of Solitude.

There is a fairly large group of people that hasn't heard a word from me since I turned my phone off before the game last Sunday. While a fair number of them are probably rejoicing in this welcome break from any and all contact with me, I'm sure there are a few others who are wondering whether or not I'm still alive. Well to all those who haven't heard from me - I'm fine. I won't be speaking to any of you anytime soon, but you can rest assured that I'm going to be OK.

I've experienced all five stages of grief over the past few weeks. Denial was definitely the hardest step to get over, as I just kept replaying scenarios in my head where Wes Welker makes that catch or Rob Gronkowski comes down with that Hail Mary. I actually allowed myself to get excited for a split second before realizing it was all in my head and I just ended up mad. Luckily for me, Stage 2 in the grieving process is anger. I wasn't so much angry at the Patriots as I was angry at myself; mad for caring so much, mad for investing myself emotionally in this team, and mad for not doing enough touchdown dances or wearing enough pairs of lucky drawers or any other anti-jinx activity that may have made things turn out differently. Stages 3 and 4, Bargaining and Depression, are stages that I realized some time ago that we as sports fans can never truly move past, so the best we can hope for is come to grips with them. I know that I'm NEVER going to stop saying "if only Welker had caught that pass" or "if only Asante had come up with that pick," and so there is no point trying to move on from that. While I will get less and less depressed over it with time, it will never be gone completely, so all I can really do is acknowledge my mania and move on.

Which brings me to the final stage: acceptance. I've accepted the 2011 season. It didn't go the way I wanted it to, but it didn't go the way 30 other teams wanted it to either. As of today, the Patriots have still gone a whopping 7 whole years without a title (which the Boston media seems to have forgotten isn't really a very long time), and that's just the way it is. The doubters will continue to doubt, the haters will continue to hate, lips will continue to flap in the New York/New Jersey area, and the Patriot Way will march on, undeterred.

And you know what? I can live with that.

Sure, there were some moments over the past few weeks I'm not overly proud of. There may have been a lot of sitting at home in the dark. I may have taken more than a few long, hot showers while fully clothed and rocking back and forth with my knees drawn up to my chest. I might have dug my old teddy bear out of the attic and slept with it for a few nights. But that's neither here nor there. The bottom line is that while I'm never going to be over this loss, I'm not about to dwell on it. I'm proud as hell of the 2011 Patriots and am once again blown away by Bill Belichick's ability to get the absolute best out of everyone and Tom Brady's ability to make those around him look like superstars. I'm ready and excited to ride with Tommy B on this last stretch of his career, a career that is NOT tainted in any way by this loss, no matter what anyone else says. I know that New England is going to be right back after it in September, and between now and then we have the combine, free agency, the draft, mini-camps, trading, and pre-season to keep us sane. Once again, the Pats are well-positioned for all facets of the NFL league year, and I for one am very excited to see what this offense will be able to do with a full offseason to gel and Josh McDaniels back at the helm.

One thing you aren't going to see much from me going forward is a whole lot of draft coverage. Unlike Mel Kiper, I'm willing to admit that I have no idea what I'm talking about in regards to the NFL Draft. I don't follow college football as closely as I should, there are people on Pats Pulpit way more knowledgeable about the matter than me, and at the end of the day we all know that Bill Belichick is going to be trading up and down the board like a madman on draft day and will likely select players I have never even heard of anyway. The only thing I can say for sure is that the odds are good the Patriots will come away from this draft with a fair number of "value" picks and a bunch of selections for the following year. I'd love to sit here and speculate on whether this will FINALLY be the year the Patriots move up in the draft, are aggressive in free agency, and surround Tommy B with some serious talent as he gears up for one last push for a ring - but doing that will only get my hopes up and will may cause that first trade down for a cornerback I've never heard of to send me right back to Stage 1.

What I am excited about, however, is this 2012 Free Agent class. There are several big names on the market this year, many of whom would be a great fit for the Patriots, and I can see coach Belichick going after players on both sides of the ball to supplement his draft strategy. I'm currently compiling a wish list of sorts of free agents that I would love to see the Patriots pursue, which I will be sharing with you all over the coming weeks. We are almost exactly a month away from the start of free agency, so there is a lot to cover. And I'm excited to start covering it.

I know it was bad, but it could definitely be worse. It's time for us all to move on.

The Pats are going to be fine. And so are we.

The last time I wrote one of these was after a loss to the Giants in Week 9. It wasn't fun to write then and it's even less fun to write now.

I'm no miracle worker. If I was, I would have a lot more money and I would be typing this article from a beach somewhere as I sipped some girly tropical drink and adjusted my gut so I tanned evenly and didn't have pale white lines across my stomach that made me look like some weird, out-of-shape version of Freddy Kreuger. I'm under no impression that I have the answers or know much about anything. I also don't think that I'll be able to make anyone feel any better this morning, no matter what I say here. I even debated not even bothering with this article, as I was worried that it might come across as empty and meaningless. But I've had a lot of time to think over the past two days, as I lay awake in bed staring at the ceiling all night, and the truth is that there is still plenty of reasons for optimism around New England - although it may not seem like it at the moment.

What I have to offer is not going to take the pain away. But hopefully I can at least help some of you realize that once we get through this initial hurricane of sadness, there is actually some light on the horizon. A fair number of you expressed optimism in the comments section of yesterday's Fan Notes, and there were some very good points to be made. I've taken some of them, added a few of my own, and come up with six things that might help to get you through what promises to be a long, long offseason.

I figure since it was a slightly bigger loss than the last time, we could use one extra.

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I don't really know what I'm supposed to say here.

The Giants' pass rush was nonexistant. There were points to be had on almost every drive. New York put the ball on the ground three times. The defense played as well as you could have possibly asked for. The running game was good enough to keep the defense honest. There were players open. The Patriots had chance after chance to put the game away. But they couldn't get it done. And once again, the Giants came through in the clutch and scored the game winner late after a ridiculous circus catch. That's pretty much all there is to it.

I don't have it in me to say much more than that. Fan Notes after the jump.

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Seeing as I gave credit to Dante Scarnecchia yesterday, I thought I would keep it along the offensive line for today's edition of Patriots Unsung Heroes. I know it's a bit of a cop-out to pick an offensive lineman for this article, especially seeing how it is the position that virtually defines the term - but give me a break, will ya? It's the Thursday before the Super Bowl, I haven't been able to sleep all week, and I consider myself lucky that I'm even able to formulate a coherent sentence at this point.

Of all the linemen on this Patriots squad, Brian Waters has been mentioned the least. Matt Light, Nate Solder, and Sebastian Vollmer have all gotten their press time, be it because of injuries, an interesting matchup, or performance as a rookie. Logan Mankins is - well - Logan Mankins, and as a result his reputation warrants attention. Whoever New England happens to have playing at center on any given down - Dan Connolly, Ryan Wendell, Julian Edelman - is always under scrutiny. And yet, through all of it, standing strong at guard, is New England's quietest, yet most valuable, offseason acquisition.

Waters has been an absolute rock all season. Announcers never mention his name, which means he is rarely penalized or at fault for a sack or QB pressure. In a game where one of the major storylines is how this Patriots front will handle the Giants' pass rush, the fact that Waters has still gone relatively unmentioned speaks volumes about what he brings to the table. New York is likely to shuffle their front four around quite a bit during the Super Bowl, so odds are Waters will be pitted against all of New York's best pass rushers at some point during the game. And while how effective this line will be as a unit remains to be seen, I'm fairly confident that whoever Waters is blocking on any given down isn't going to be responsible for breaking up a play or soiling Tommy B's jersey.

Perhaps the most underrated aspect of Waters' game is his abilities as both a pass and run blocker. This season has not been one in which the New England running game has come to the forefront, but that doesn't take away from what I have seen out of Waters and the way he creates gaps in the defensive line. Most would agree that forcing the Giants to respect the run is going to be a crucial part of the Patriots' game plan; if the Pats can run the ball effectively and protect Tom Brady, their chances of victory are good. This offensive line has its work cut out for it, and the player I worry about least is Waters, hands down.

In regards to linemen as unsung heroes, it's a pretty simple formula - the better the lineman, the more unsung he is. But with all the hype surrounding this game and all the attention given to the skill players, I wanted to take a minute to appreciate one of the most consistent players the Patriots have on their roster.

Keep it up, Brian. Here's hoping this is the last time anyone even mentions your name until Monday morning.

Every morning, I stop off at a deli by my office for a sausage, egg, and cheese sandwich. Start the day off right, I always say.

While I'm waiting for my sausage and eggs to congeal, I usually peruse the New York Post. Only slightly more reputable than The Weekly World News, I always find the articles good for a laugh. The front page this entire week has, to no surprise, been Super Bowl-related, with non-story after non-story on display to anyone with nothing better to do for five minutes while they wait for their daily influx of fat, grease, and cholesterol. The front page on Monday was a story about how good Eli Manning looked stepping off the plane in Indianapolis. Yesterday's front page had a picture of Victor Cruz in a sombrero. You get the idea; it's not exactly award-winning journalism, but I'm not judging. There is shock and humor value in these articles, and the Boston media is lousy with papers like this as well. The Post is the Chris Farley to the The New York Times' David Spade, and you have to just see it for what it is.

However, I did want to share this morning's front page with the Pulpit, only because I think it perfectly exemplifies how little all of this Super Bowl hype really means. The first thing I saw this morning, in massive, block letters, was the headline:

NOT A PRAYER!

Underneath was a picture of Tommy B and Missus Tommy B in their evening wear, looking as wonderful as you would expect the world's most attractive couple to look.

Of course, I had to read further. I thought it was going to be a piece abouty how maybe marrying Giselle has made Brady soft and how he's lost his competetive edge or something like that - but I couldn't have been more wrong. The article was actually making fun of what they called "a disgustingly sappy email" that Giselle wrote to her friends and family, asking them to pray for her husband's well-being as he enters one of the biggest games of his career.

Here is the email, in its entirety:

My sweet friends and family,

This Sunday will be a really important day in my husband’s life. He and his team worked so hard to get to this point and now they need us more than ever to send them positive energy so they can fulfill their dream of winning this super bowl ...

So I kindly ask all of you to join me on this positive chain and pray for him, so he can feel confident, healthy and strong. Envision him happy and fulfilled experiencing with his team a victory this Sunday.

Thank you for your love and support. Love, G :)

The story went on to talk about how this is basically a plea for divine intervention and how Gisele clearly isn't confident that her widdle Tommy is going to be able to stand up to Big Blue's unstoppable, terrifying, borderline-illegal pass rush.

Now maybe it's just me...but all I took out of that email was that a loving wife is asking her closest friends and family to pray for her husband and wish his team the best as they stand on the verge of greatness.

While I do think it's a little shady to publish an email that was intended for close friends and family (how it leaked I have absolutely no idea - I guess money talks), I don't bring this up because it upset me or because I think this is a cheap shot by the New York Media. I'm sure that there are equally ridiculous articles going around about the Giants in the Boston Tabloids as well this week. All this piece did for me was remind me that literally every word I have read so far for the past two weeks means absolutely nothing. All of the confidence, all of the "trash talk," all of the analysis, all of the simulations, all of the data, all of the statistics and probabilities, all of the winner-calling camels and octopuses and dogs - none of that means a damn thing. The only thing that matters is how two teams play on Sunday.

I'd pray for the media to just shut the hell up for a change - but we all know there is no chance of that happening.

As someone with a large amount of drive, ambition, and lofty life goals, I spend a lot of my free time watching action movies. My theory is that if I can watch every action movie ever made, then I'll finally be really, really motivated to get out there and do something great - and I'll know all the tricks of how you get there. I already have my training montage music ready to go. I have my eye on a broken down basement level space that will serve nicely as my humble beginnings, and I have a large number of big, strong bullies that harass me on a regular basis who are just asking for it - when I'm good and ready. The only thing I don't have, unfortunately, is my old man. If movies have taught us anything, it's that the best way to achieve greatness is to find a crotchety old man with white hair to kick you repeatedly in the pants and push you to reach levels of greatness you never thought possible. Daniel Larusso had Mr. Miyagi. Rocky had Mickey. Luke had Yoda. The Highlander had Sean Connery, despite the ridiculous getup. The list goes on and on.

Enter the New England Patriots - or more specifically, the Patriots' offensive line. The Pats have been very solid up front for years now, and only part of it is due to the talent of the players on the field. The Patriots are lucky enough to have Mickey, Mr. Miyagi, and Yoda all rolled into one in Dante Scarnecchia. Few outside of the National Football League and Patriots Nation have ever even heard of him, but there is simply nobody better at his position. In my unapologetically biased opinion, Scarnecchia is the greatest offensive line coach of all time.

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As someone who can count the number of trophies and awards he has won on one of Homer Simpson's hands, I've become very fond of the term "unsung hero," and have considered myself one on numerous occasions. The cramp I faked during the 2^nd round of the Soccer Sate Cup my senior year in high school gave my team some much needed rest and allowed them to get settled again. Getting rejected by the same girl over and over -and over - again likely gave her the confidence to realize that she was indeed beautiful; she has since gone on to a very successful career on Broadway. I'd like to think that my numerous citations for lewd and disorderly conduct have given many a parent wonderful material for their "stay in school so you don't end up like that guy" speeches -and some of those kids may go on to great things.The reality is that without the unsung heroes, the champions could never rise to the top. Very rarely do they get the credit they deserve - but that's OK. It's all about the bigger picture.

And few teams understand the importance of the bigger picture more than the New England Patriots. As Super Bowl Week gets officially underway, we are going to hear a lot of big names - Tom Brady, Eli Manning, Vince Wilfork, Victor Cruz. The superstars of this game are going to get the attention that they deserve, and they will all handle it with the poise and confidence that they are known for.

But what about everyone else? What about the players that will make the plays that will allow the heroes to shine? It's time they got their due. For the rest of this week, I'm going to be taking a look at some of the players who might fly under the radar with all the big names and storylines floating around, but are primed to make a big impact on the game. Their contribution to the Super Bowl might come down to one or two plays, but sometimes one or two plays are all you need. And I figured who better to begin this week long salute to the little guys than with the littlest guy of all - Danny Woodhead.

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It's amazing what you'll do to keep your mind occupied, isn't it?

Yesterday provided us with the first awful, awful reminder of what Sundays without football feels like. 1 PM came around and neither Fox, CBS, nor NBC had their usual crews of blithering idiots fawning over Tim Tebow as they tried to call games. There were no halftime shows, no postgame wrap-ups, and no highlights on SportsCenter last night. I know that I'll eventually get used to it again, and once the weather gets nicer it will be an odd relief to be able to spend a Sunday afternoon outdoors away from the stress of watching the Patriots play, but that first football free Sunday always hits me like a ton of bricks covered in dog crap and deep fried in vomit.

Yes, I know that the Pro Bowl was on yesterday. But anyone who watched more than three downs of that game will agree that the Pro Bowl is not football.

So with no football to watch and the January weather just cold enough to make me want to avoid going outside at all costs, I resigned myself to seeing what people who aren't obsessed with football watch on Sundays. And let me be the first to say - I was extremely disappointed. I always thought that the official time for re-airing the worst movies ever made was Saturday afternoon; at least it was when I was a kid. But there must have been a schedule shift somewhere along the line, because yesterday I flipped through channel after channel of what can only be described as absolute schlock for a solid hour before my thumb simply got too tired to do any more work. I ended up settling for Armageddon on FX, a movie I saw and disliked years ago. And trust me when I say it isn't any better the second time around. By the time I peeled myself off the couch and stumbled off to bed, I had logged a solid 14 hours of crappy TV as I achieved the laziest of lazy Sundays.

Now for some, this may sound like an absolute dream come true. And honestly, zoning out in front of the television isn't a terrible way to spend a cold winter Sunday. The only problem was that I just couldn't relax at all. Every time I got up to go to the bathroom, went to get more food, or turned away from Ben Affleck's bumbling ineptitude for long enough to glance at the clock, all I could think to myself was where I will be and what I'll be doing this time next week as the Super Bowl draws closer. And the more I thought about it, the more restless I became. By the time the movie was reaching its end, I almost wanted to trade places with Bruce Willis so I could just blow myself up and end all this madness.

So, I thought I would try and maintain my sanity by writing my "Silencing Hank" article this morning. I know I usually post this these on Thursday or Friday, but if any of you are even half as anxious as I am right now, it might be helpful to have these points on the table to help keep us all sane over the next few days. Plus, I'm sure Hank will be so kind as to bring even more reasons to be terrified to my attention, so I figured I'd give myself a little window of time should I need to write a Silencing Hank Redux. This week is going to go by even more slowly than last week did, and odds are I'm going to spend almost every minute of it in a jittery, nervous state of embarrassingly overzealous anticipation. Plus, if this past week of media analysis is any indicator, we're going to hear more than our fair share about the Giants pass rush and how well Hakeem Nicks is playing right now.

Hank and the media seem to be saying the exact same things this week. Coincidence? I think not.

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I'd like to think that, over this past season, I've kept it pretty professional here on Pats Pulpit. I know that I can be a little off-color and crude at times, and my unhealthy obsession with the New England Patriots must be comical to the casual observer, but I think for the most part I've conducted myself with as much maturity and sensibility as my tiny, emotionally stunted brain will allow. Checking my insanity and keeping these Fan Notes PG-13 has taken more restraint than I even knew I had, to be honest.

So, with that said, please excuse the following:

WE'RE GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL, PEOPLE! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! NICE KICK, CUNDIFF! AAAAAAHAHAHAHA! WIDE LEFT! WIDE LEFT! AFC CHAMPIONS, SUCKAS! LET'S GO TO INDY! PEYTON, CLEAN OUT YOUR LOCKER CUZ TOMMY B IS MOVIN' IN! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I'm really sorry about that. But trust me - it needed to happen.

The Patriots won an absolute heart-stopper yesterday. I think we all aged 10 years and I looked in the mirror this morning to find my first gray hairs atop my prematurely balding dome, but that's alright. It was all worth it. The Pats are AFC Champions. The offense wasn't great, the defense was streaky, and New England lost the turnover battle, but none of that matters on this fine, fine morning. The only thing that matters right now is that once again, the Patriots are going to the Super Bowl.

I should apologize for the brevity of these fan notes, but I won't. I know that every member of Patriots Nation spent the bulk of this game just as I did: pacing around like a maniac, sweating bullets, and yelling at the TV while trying to prevent an early onset heart attack. No fan in his or her right mind would have been able to sit still in front of a computer for the entirety of that game - so in retrospect, the fact that I even have any notes at all is pretty impressive.

Plus, the only way I was able to even hold it together from about noon yesterday until game time was to hold a very serious little powwow with my two good friends Samuel Adams and Jack Daniel. So I was a little hydrated by the time kickoff came around and wasn't as observant as I've been in weeks past.

I saw enough, though. Oh yes. I saw enough. Fan Notes after the jump.

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I honestly thought I'd be a lot more nervous at this point in the week than I actually am. After all, this is the AFC Championship Game; whoever wins this one gets to make a trip to Indianapolis. Whoever loses goes home, knowing how close they came to winning it all. All signs point to me being borderline suicidal right now But you know what? I'm really not. Sure, I'm a little anxious, and BEYOND excited for this game, but I'm not consumed with that gripping, paralyzing, bowel-loosening fear that has devoured me in AFCC games of yore.

And I think I know why: the media simply hasn't given me a chance to get scared.

I know that almost everyone is picking the Patriots to win on Sunday. Vegas has the Pats by 7.5, there have been more than a few "how can you stop Tom Brady?" articles and discussions, and people have been giving New England their much-deserved respect. But in spite of all that, I feel like I've been hearing much more negative than positive in regards to this team and what they have accomplished so far this season. If I had to sum up this past week in one sentence, it would probably be "This Patriots team is overrated and Baltimore's stellar defense is going to put them in their place." This could just be my blatant homerism and unflinchingly proud fan bias talking, and if so, I apologize. But the truth is that I feel like there has just been too much negativity surrounding this team and this game for me to become properly terrified over it.

That doesn't mean Hank has been silenced, though. Oh no - he's still alive and well, and he's had plenty to say all week. The thing is, there really isn't much that Hank can say at this point that hasn't already been said ad nauseum on ESPN, NFL Network, si.com, and every other sports website you go to to kill some time at work. I've been bombarded with it all so much that it's starting to lose much of its luster.

Still, here's what Hank has been saying all week, and here's what I've been saying back.

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Wow.

I don't even want to sully the absolute dominance of last night's blowout win over the Denver Broncos with one of my lame introductions or lead-ins. There isn't much I can say about that game that would do it justice. New England just imposed its will from the opening whistle and didn't stop swinging until the game was over. If there was a rule that allowed teams to raise the white flag and call the game early, the Broncos would have stopped this one early in the 3^rd quarter. We all had to listen to the media ride Tim Tebow's jock all week- but last night's game reminded everyone that actions really do speak louder than words. So let's forget about the words and get straight to recapping the action.

Besides, I have to wipe up all the drool from my computer.

Fan notes after the jump.

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If there's one thing I've learned in my life, it's that no matter how weird you think you are, you can bet that there are people out there who are just as weird as you are.

I seem to have struck a chord with a fair number of you on Monday when I mentioned that deep down inside me lives a paranoid, nervous, overly pessimistic fan. I've named him Hank, and I'm very embarrassed of what he has done to me as a football fan. His negativity, obsession, and lack of enthusiasm doesn't allow me to fully enjoy games or appreciate just how great this New England Patriots team is. In most parts of America, watching NFL Football is a fun, relaxing activity to be shared with friends and family; well not at my house. Hank forces ol' Alec to watch the games alone in his ManCave, the only place where the excess of nervous energy and constant streams of profanity won't traumatize children, bring everyone else's mood down, or get me kicked out of the bar. Hank has also forced me to spend Sunday mornings in a a sickening mix of pure elation and paralyzing anxiety, fully aware that what is about to occur over the span of the next three hours is going to fully dictate whether or not I feel one ounce of happiness over the next full week of my life. In no way is it healthy, normal, or mentally beneficial and at some point I'm going to have to make a serious life change.

The good news is that it would appear that I'm not entirely alone in my struggle; more than a few of you have mentioned having a Hank of your own that doesn't allow you to give this team the full support they deserve. While I hope and pray, for your sakes, that you all have a much firmer grasp on reality than I do and read the above paragraph with an odd mix of pity, embarrassment, and utter relief that you aren't me and don't have my life. However, based on what I've read in the various comments section, a lot of us seem to have our own little Hank hiding somewhere down there in the bowels of our...well, bowels. And Hank makes Patriots games less fun.

Well maybe it's time to stand up to Hank and tell him where he can stick it. I'm getting sick and tired of letting all of these nagging doubts prevent me from enjoying what is hands down the most exciting part of the NFL season, a part that I as a Patriots fan am fortunate enough to be directly involved with almost every year. Now that I know that I'm (mostly) not alone, I finally have the strength to confront Hank and let him know that he isn't going to get the best of me - not this time. Instead of just listening to Hank, maybe it's time to finally talk back.

Here's what Hank has been screaming at me all week.

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I know we've all heard Tebow 316 a bunch of times by now - but I thought of it less than 30 seconds after I found out how many yards he threw for yesterday, so I'm officially taking credit for it.

I was going to take notes on yesterday's Steelers vs. Broncos game. I really was. After watching the Houston Texans blow out the Cincinatti Bengals on Saturday, I knew that yesterday's AFC Wildcard game was the one that had implications from a Patriots perspective. So, I got out my laptop, sat in my chair, and got ready to see what I could see from both teams in regards to what they could bring to the AFC Divisional matchup at Foxboro.

I didn't write a damn thing.

Yesterday's game was one of the best Wild Card games I've ever seen. It definitely wasn't one of the prettiest, but in terms or pure excitement, pacing, storylines, and that good ol' fashioned playoff magic, I can't remember a game that compares. As a result, I spent most of the game staring at the TV, completely spellbound by what I was seeing, and my poor little computer was completely neglected.So I'm sorry to say that I don't have the writeup that I'm sure each and every one of you revolve your entire Mondays around. The only thing I can really offer this morning are some overall thoughts on yesterday's game and what we can expect next week.

Blame it on Divine Intervention.

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National Lampoon and Clark Griswold definitely had it right. Hip hip hooray for Christmas Vacation.

I had all last week off from work, and I was amazed at how effortlessly I transitioned away from getting up early, bathing, putting on pants, and slogging through that violent yet delicate dance that is known only as Corporate America. For me, last week was a beautiful journey back to the good ol' days of sleeping late, getting good and hydrated, and wasting the day away napping, eating, watching bad movies on cable, eating, and then napping some more. Anyone who says that staycations are overrated clearly doesn't know how to do it right.

But alas, the holiday break can only last for so long, so now it's back to the grind for me and the rest of the suckers working world. Of course, if you're anything like me, it's back to the grind strictly in the sense that you are at your place of employment and your butt is in your desk chair (it's a little tighter squeeze as well now, isn't it? Stupid egg nog). And, if you're like me, you're finding that it's significantly harder to get back into work mode than it was to get out of it. Sure, I've been at the office every day this week, but I really can't classify anything I've done so far as "work." Rather, I like to think of myself as "easing back into the swing of things," which of course is Alecspeak for slacking off on the job and daydreaming about the upcoming NFL playoffs. I can't wait for this weekend; there should be some fantastic games all across the board, and think that the Patriots have as good a shot as anyone to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl. Plus, there's that added excitement of not knowing who the Pats will play come next Saturday.

It's kind of like Christmas Eve all over again, isn't it?

Of course, it's difficult to think about the upcoming playoffs without reminiscing about years past. While the memories have been less-than-stellar as of late, there are still some absolutely incredible Patriots postseasons that, in the grand scheme of things, really didn't happen that long ago. The Tuck Rule Game, taking out the Jets in the Wild Card round, beating the Titans when it was like 25 below zero, Ty Law's 4 picks against Peyton Manning, pretty much every playoff game against the Steelers - and of course, those three glorious, glorious February Sundays when all was right with the world and the Patriots brought home the Lombardi Trophy.

The truth is, though, that I'm sick of dwelling in the past. I'm a Pats fan, which means I'm a spoiled, obnoxious, shortsighted, what-have-you-done-for-me-lately buffoon that can take a 13-3, #1 seed in the AFC season and spin it to make it seem like I'm forced to root for a Pop Warner team with a defense comprised almost entirely of players who wore floaties to the pool until they turned 21. I'm not satisfied with a phenomenal regular season, NFL records, 61 TDs, a +17 turnover ratio, and a 5,200 yard quarterback coming off one of the greatest seasons of all time. Nuts to all of that. I want some playoff wins, and I want them now.

That's why yesterday afternoon, when I was supposed to be listening in on a conference call, I put together my ideal AFC playoff picture. None of what I'm about to relate to you should come as any surprise - but that doesn't mean it isn't still fun to think about. Now there may be some people out there who have revenge on their minds or want to earn a Super Bowl berth by playing the best possible teams. Some of you may be of the ilk that in order to be the best, you have to beat the best, and you don't want anyone to have any excuses for how the Patriots' get to Indianapolis. If you're one of those people that hope we play Pittsburgh and then Baltimore to prove to the world that we are officially the best team in the AFC, bully for you. But that just ain't me. I want to win the AFC via the easiest road possible. The more blowouts the Patriots are able to win, the more confident they will be and the better off my booze and Christmas ham-clogged ticker will be. So here is my dream AFC playoff tree, which I scribbled down on the back of my corporate handout during yesterday's conference call, with a little bit of an explanation as to why I think some of these upsets could actually happen.

NOTE TO THE JINXING GODS: I am merely sharing a daydream I had the other day with my fellow Pulpiteers. In no way is what follows to be considered a prediction, a guarantee, a likelihood, a certainty, or anything else that could come back to bite the Patriots in the patoot. For the love of Tebow, just let the Pats play, will you? Jeez...

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