So, what happened was... something that rhymes with spleen duke. It's always a looming threat.

Despite this, I've managed to stay completely in the dark as to what happened, so while we will never get those hours back, let's just pretend none of this ever happened and you're enjoying this recap at the same time you always have.

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The recording of the aftershow failed to appear on my recording apparatus. As a a result, your normally scheduled recap will be delayed by a few hours until it can be acquired and absorbed for recapurature. Apologies to the four of you who were counting on it. The comments section is yours to spoil to your heart's content.

Previously on UNCOMMON SURVIVOR: A bunch of scheming for nothing led us to believe Edna might survive another three days, but it was all a ruse. Now there are only five, time for the hand to start biting the hand that feeds it; itself!

We are nearing the end here. This is the last Thursday of the year you'll be reading this. Maybe you'll come back and read sporadically, and it won't be on a Thursday, but I must warn you; the tumbleweeds are ravenous when I stop spraying them with herbicides in the off-season.

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Previously on UNCOMMON SURVIVOR; Brandon spills the beans all effin' over the place. Beans here, beans there. Bean there, done that. As I think of words to describe Brandon, I can't help but think of the words of Hank Hill, "That boy ain't right."

I had to watch live network television this week because my local Hand Egg squadron played a live event last Monday, but it afforded me the opportunity of seeing the promos for this week's episode, where they announced that Brandon's dad shows up. That either means there's been a severe breach of Survivor protocol, or this is the Relatives Episode. Get your tissues ready, boys. When ya comin' home son, I don't know when. Momma, I'm comin' home. MASH 'EM UP!

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Previously on UNCOMMON SURVIVOR: Honest, I forget. All I can remember is that everyone hates Cochran, except Coach, who has him believing he's the strongest man on the island. Is there some natural hallucinogen that grows out there?

Every week the blog thingy (technical term) asks me what league I'm writing about so it can look for player names to auto-link to a handy-dandy stats page. Secretly, I've been writing about the NBA. I was the only one on SBNation doing it (that I know of, I didn't bother to verify this). Since everyone (presumably) is writing their NBA stories again, I have to move to FIFA World Cup because it's not for like two years. I hope I don't accidentally type Ronaldo.

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Previously on UNCOMMON SURVIVOR: You're about to see it all again! Nineteen new scenes that were previously only on the cutting room floor! 

Happy Thanksgiving, America! Apparently CBS thought it was cool to serve us leftovers on Thanksgiving Eve. If you want to eat something really Uncommon today, make this aluminum skeleton turkey. Take pictures. Share.

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Previously on UNCOMMON SURVIVOR: They rushed us through two votes where Ozzy returned to loser prison (that's what I'm calling it now. And I mean now, I'll forget this later) and Jim joined him. They all bunked up with Keith, so it's getting crowded out there.

This post is brought to you by burritos: nature's most perfect portable food.

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Previously on UNCOMMON SURVIVOR: The merge happened and Cochran flipped life a crazed animal with an inner ear infection. Now he has to take the heat! 

I've never been so excited to hear someone get berated. Not even when I'd get my little brother in trouble for doing... anything. 

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Previously on UNCOMMON SURVIVOR: Ozzy bet the farm on the Merge coming next and being able to beat Christine at Elimination. Let's watch it pan out!

With the week in Common Sports I've had, I'm glad to be here on the Uncommon side, where nobody is from where I am, and people don't associate me with the competitors.  

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Previously on UNCOMMON SURVIVOR: Ozzy tested the free agent market, Christine broke down, and the word "meltdown" was used to describe Brandon at Tribal Council. In fact, the words "third" and "meltdown" were in the same sentence. With three data points, we've got enough to make a graph. What do you guys like, pies or bars?

Jeff forgot his tout.com password for awhile and I was kinda glad. First of all, I distrust this touting because it sounds arrogant. I'm also afraid of every fifth new thing that comes along, on principle, and tout drew that straw. Secondly, he (and you) should be using a password manager for all his passwording needs. I recommend 1Password from AgileBits. It runs on pretty much every platform, but I especially love the iPhone app. It syncs over Wi-Fi or through DropBox, people. Jeff could have used that. Later, he remembered his credentials and touted everything from "Brandon annoying" to "Ever beat up?"

Disclosure: I'm plugging 1Password 'cause it's super neat, not 'cause they've given me anything. They don't even know we're here. Sponsors... as if, girlfriends. You make me laugh.

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Previously on UNCOMMON SURVIVOR: Coach mimes driving a SmartCar, Cochran begins the nerd revolution, and everyone made you never want to eat barbecue again. 

If you are one of those dirty console gaming peasants playing Batman: Arkham City, I hate you and don't talk to me. 

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Previously on UNCOMMON SURVIVOR: Everything led up to Coach going in for a hug and getting denied by the freshly voted-out Stacey. Boom! Bam! Bizzam! On the other side, the Revenge of the Nerd(s) plot line takes root.

I think jbox was "live" tweeting the episode last night. Looks like he was grossed out a lot. Remember, if he sees his shadow, we won't see him for two more weeks. 

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Previously on UNCOMMON SURVIVOR: Brandon's descent into madness continues at a rate that is distorted by three days being condensed into 42 minutes then aired once a week. In other news, nerds everywhere can rejoice that old people are more of a liability than we are. 

Speaking of nerds: Steve Jobs, you guys :(

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Previously on UNCOMMON SURVIVOR: Brandon's lies have created a fire hazard situation out of his pants. Now everybody has to be real careful around the fire. 

This is what I predict will happen this episode: Mikayla goes off alone to gather wood or something, Brandon follows after. When he comes back, he explains that all he heard was screaming, and there was so much blood. SO MUCH BLOOD! Mikayla's entrails were strewn about hither and thither like she was eviscerated by jackals. Then he realized the screaming was him the whole time. 

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Last time on UNCOMMON SURVIVOR: Bran (worst kind of muffin, by the way) is going to murder the first pretty girl that sees his tattoo. Semhar was voted out because she lost a freestyle battle to a nerd.

via www.survivorjunkies.com

I forgot to post the ratings for last week. I still don't know what they were. Let's all agree that it was the most popular episode ever. Jeff is doing this thing where I guess he posts videos to tout.com now. It's weird. He's weird. And what's with that name? Tout dot com? More like trout dot com, isn't it? Either way, something's fishy.

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Ladies and gentlemen, it is that time again! Yes, for someteen weeks, you and I are going to embark on a journey of heroes, villains, dragonslayers, f$%#kin' rainbows, starvation, and pristine, naturally shiny skin. Look at that, I got a new logo and everything. Twenty-three seasons, you guys; can you believe it? There are children on Xbox LIVE hurling homophobic slurs right now that have grown up in a fully Survivor-saturated world. Jeff Probst is like their Captain Kangaroo. Amazing, right? 

Is your hype factory operating at full capacity? Alright, let's do this.

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