Nostradamus, step aside.  

Bucking the recent trend of informationless and spineless series predictions by noted local and national NBA experts, many of these experts have come forward with new, bold predictions for the scintillating Western Conference Finals of the NBA playoffs, featuring the Los Angeles Lakers and the Phoenix Suns. 

Here, for your benefit, we review some of the most recent predictions by our panel of NBA experts.

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In a shocking turn of events, Arizona residents have united with Mexican nationals in an emergency effort to move the border fence to cut off California. 

Immigration from California to Arizona has been going on for decades, policy experts say, bringing with them inflation, mental disorders of all kinds, crime and grave environmental problems, most notably, SMUG. 

However, recent events have exacerbated the problems along the Arizona-California border.  California's beach-burned mentality has erupted with news that rival teams will meet in the NBA Western Conference Finals.  

Sunday, the Phoenix Suns swept the San Antonio Spurs to return to the Western Conference Finals for the first time since 2004-2005.  There, the Suns will meet the Los Angeles Lakers in what is likely to be a contentious NBA Playoff battle.

Combined with California's weak economy and low moral standards, the upcoming NBA playoff series wraps gasoline in paper.  After the jump we tell you what's happening right now and what you can do about it.

We Report, You Decide!

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United Airways Center, PHX

The dejected Spurs left UAC yesterday down 2-0, but they did not leave the UAC visitor's locker room as clean as they found it.  Under normal circumstances, that alone is no shocker, at least not in the NBA where Dwayne Wade's divorce battle wages on.  What shocks this reporter is the nature of what was left behind, which shows enormous chinks in the Spurs psychological armor.

Aside from the ordinary piles of dirty towels and the leftover messages from Pop on the white board ("Let's run 'em out of the gym!" "The ball finds energy!"), there was a single card with a girlish note slipped in.  Thanks to our sources at UAC, the Bright Side of the Sun has been able to get original copies of this card and the note. 

This is the worldwide exclusive reveal of what was written, apparently during halftime, by some of the Spurs star players, after the jump.

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(foto courtesy of Max Simbron)

Phoenix, Arizona

In a stunning turn of events, the Phoenix Suns have lost the first round 7-game playoff series to the Portland Trailblazers, 1-0.  Despite overwhelming punditry to the contrary, nary can a single analyst be found suggesting that the Phoenix Suns stood a donut's chance in a Botero police station of beating the Trailblazers in a 7-game series.

Postgame, several explanations for the loss were bandied about, but they were shot down like prairie dogs in front of a machine gun bunker by the players and coaches from both locker rooms.  After the jump, I cover the postgame reactions and let you decide.

***News You Can Use * We Report, You Decide * Read at Your Own Risk***

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Television producers report that Leonard Nimoy will host an exciting updated television series based on wildly popular "In Search Of..." documentaries originally broadcast from 1976-1982. 

Among the many myths, urban legends, pseudo-scientific and paranormal phenomena to be addressed in the new series, Nimoy says he will join the Suns in search of the Rebound.  Like the Loch Ness Monster and UFOs, the Rebound is notoriously hard to document.

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In a move slid through the draft hype without much fan-fare, the Phoenix Suns may have already made their most important long term decision.  The San Diego Phoenix Suns training camp has been moved from the University of Arizona's "House that New Hated San Antonio Spur Richard Jefferson" built, to the Slim Gym that Suns minority owner Jenny Craig built.

In this unbiased exclusive, we tell you why some fans are upset and why they are totally stupid.

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One thing Golden State Warrior fans love about Jason Richardson was the $50,000 full page ad he bought apologizing for the 2005-2006 season.  Warriors fans congratulated Suns fans, saying we were getting far more than a $14 million dollar per year dunk champion, we were getting a classy citizen in our neighborhood.

Given the current level of the Suns' uberphail, the Bright Side of the Sun Fake News Team has learned that JRich has already purchased another ad.  He reportedly told the kinko sales assistant, our very own Phoenix Stan, "Hey, it worked once..."

Hey, Jason Richardunkerson, we still believe.  See his ad after the jump.

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Breaking News from the Bright Side of the Sun Fake News Division:

Shaquille O'Neal Shocks America (again)

Orlanda, Fl

In another series of shocking pronouncements, the US economic recovery ground to a halt as Wall Street CEOs were scandalized by Shaquille O'Neal's latest round of trash talk.

Reportedly, our sources (Yahoo!) reveal that Shaq was quoted to have said, “I’m really too old to be trying to outscore 18-year-olds.  It’s not really my role anymore.”

We have no proof that he went on to say, "Dwight Howard is the Strawberry Shortcake of the NBA."  However, it's entirely possible he could have had the opportunity to say it.  In fact, we consider it highly likely.

The incident came after Shaq's recent association of Chris Bosh and RuPaul and his long held assertion that Erick Dampier is really Ericka Dampier. 

"What Shaq is doing is the worst crime in America," said 50 billion dollar ponzi-schemer Bernie Madoff.  "After that raunchy stuff about ass-tasting and now this!"

Former CEO of Lehman Brothers, Richard S. Fuld, Jr. agreed.  "Shaq's smack isn't funny, it really depresses the country and the economy.  In that sense, it's really unpatriotic.  I find it hard to work following these harsh criticisms."

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In a bold move to reinvigorate the NBA in these tough economic times, David Stern has moved to cancel Sunday's Suns game against the Lakers.  Instead, ABC will replay re-runs of the Bachelor.

"The outcome was just too obvious," said NBA power broker David Stern, "We expect Lakers fans to say that the Suns have no chance, but when we also saw Suns fans say the same thing, we knew it to be true."

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Suns papparazzi have obtained this photograph of Amare's torn iris.  It could be a fake, in fact it may only be a simulation from other known torn iri found on google.

Looking closely at Amare's right eye, the iris appears torn creating a "D" instead of the normal "O" as seen in his left eye.  Could Amare's torn iris an Omen?  Could this be Amare going from focus on Offense to keeping one eye on Defense?

Get well soon, Amare! (and please stay celibate for the next 10 days!)

Time will tell.  In the meantime, if you wonder about Amare's goggle choices, here are some of his specs used in the past.   Clicky.--->

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In shocking news, broken orignally by Ted Bauer of ESPN, the SUNS franchise was shaken today when Nash, Shaq, Bell and Hill were traded for Nickelodean's Muno, Foofa, Brobee, Toodee and Plex.   The article also has video of the new starting lineup doing Amare's "Amare Dribble Dancey Dance."

"NBA rules did not require the salaries to match in this trade, because it did not involve another NBA team.  Although Nickelodean is clearly in the entertainment business as is the NBA, they are considered a different league," informed GM Steve Kerr.

"With this trade, we can further build around Amare," explained a jubilant Head Coach Terry Porter.  "These guys could be good. If not, I don't see why we couldn't start Dragic, Lopez and Barnes.  Amare's so good it doesn't matter who else is on the team anyway."

"The trade makes us a lot younger and the Nick Jr. contracts are a fraction of the cost of the $48 million we just sent out.  We need to clear space anyway to sign Amare to his upcoming super duper mondo cap-killing contract." said President Rick Welts.  "Besides, with Hill out of the way, I think my homeboy Barnes may be able to beat out Brobee for the starting small forward position.  I have a huge man-crush on him and that was my main intent in this trade.  Getting younger and saving $50 million are just icing on the cake."

Owner Robert Sarver broke it down this way: "We just want to put a good product on the floor.  Our focus groups said we were not appealing to the 5-and-under fans.  If we get that market, we also get the parents and a ton of extra merchandising in McDonald's Happy Meals, Suns Saturday morning cartoons and the Nick Jr. cast would be great for the upcoming All-Star game we host this season."

"Besides, it's not like we were going to win with those old guys anyway.  At least this way, we put a colorful, entertaining and intergalactically multiracial team on the floor that will entertain viewers.  Our partners at TNT, ESPN, ABC and the local stations couldn't be more pleased." concluded Sarver.

"Dealing with injuries for these monsters is really easy, actually." according to Head Trainer Aaron Nelson, "They are like the Gorilla.  If Foofa is injured, we can just overnight Stephon Marbury, ask him to put on the Foofa costume, and run him out there at game time.  No one would know the difference," he paused,  "...except that Foofa is a team player."

Assistant Coach Dan Majerle will assigned to whipping Muno, Foofa, Brobee, Toodee and Plex into game shape.  We caught up with him drinking in the afternoon with several under age girls at a bar downtown.  "I'm excited.  This is what I do.  I was a tough player.  I'm gonna be tough on these guys.  I'm gonna get Charles Barkley in here to stick an elbow into their throats and push them around.  He's gonna really Barneyfy these guys."

Calls to dejected Steve Nash, Raja Bell, Grant Hill and Shaq were not initially returned.  Their pissy press agents mentioned Europe, Russia, Canada, The Dutch Antilles and Panama as possible destinations for the one-time starters of an NBA elite team. Nash's agent apoplectically lamented that this was not how the 2-time MVP's career should end.  "It's not even f***ing Sesame Street!" we heard the agent complain.

Executives at Nickelodean, however, remained quite confident that they would see the players in their new teletubbie uniforms and ready for the new TV shoots by next week.  "For US$20MM, we think we can get the Big Ham Shaq to do just about anything.  He's already teaching kids about internet safety anyway.  This just allows him to do it full-time.  He may not be a sheriff, but he can play one on tv, provided he wears this teletubbie outfit" said one 21 year old TV exec with a jaded giggle.  (We were later told that the guffaws, snickers and unusually loud snorts we heard in the background of the conference call were about an unrelated thing.)

Hill's agent was more philosophical, "I don't give a damn if Grant has to prance around in tights with Strawberry Shortcake - I still get paid the same." he said. "Serves Grant right, he should've taken more money when he had the chance. I gotta a family to feed."

The players do have to complete an intensive physical examination by Nickelodean school nursing team, however. "We don't want them to catch a cold on their first day of shooting." said one unregistered nurse.

There's an added bonus to the deal.  MVP Hopeful Amare Stoudemire said, "They even gave us spare costumes.  So we have backups!"

Live from the Valley of the Suns....

On the virtual pages of this virtual publication a smear attack was recently perpetrated against beloved Sun Steve Nash.

Described as a "Pompous Ass" in a hideous and unprovoked personal slander (not technically a slander so you lawyers can crawl back into your holes) Nash was derided for his comments related to the Suns' chances to succeed without his considerable talents. Despite the two-time MVP's obvious decline and the widely accepted need for the Suns to improve their defense and depth fans came quickly to the defense of their mature point guard known for his lock-down defense. 

The insult's author - a blogger cowardly hiding behind the alias "Phoenix Stan" - recanted his/her comments admitting for the first time that "Steve Nash is NOT a pompous ass".

Phoenix Stan went on to defend his/her premise however that the Sun's plans to rest Nash were in fact beneficial to the Suns' chances. In a defiantly pompous statement issued from his/her mother's basement Stan stated:

"Many people and bloggers think that if Nash doesn't play in 12 games that the Suns wouldn't be able to even make the playoffs. That's ridiculous. If the Suns are so reliant on Nash that they can't afford to rest him for 12 games then what's the point of making the playoffs anyway? Everyone that doesn't see that is clearly a pompous ass. All of them!"

Obviously Stan, despite recanting the "Pompous Ass" pejorative, is not ready to let this controversy die. Perhaps publicity is all he/she seeks? Only time might tell.

 ...is it October yet?

via sportsillustrated.cnn.com

Important news over the weekend was that along with the interviews given to Rockets Assistant Elston Turner, Maryvale High School Track Coach Bob Ubik, and several assistant store managers from the Starbucks on Mill, the Suns also interviewed TNT analyst Marv Albert.  According to insiders, Marv appears to be the current frontrunner, at least until the next candidate is interviewed.

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