SB Nation User Blog: BSotS NBA Correspondent

Back on TV: Leonard Nimoy's In Search of... the Rebound.

BSotS NBA Correspondent — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 18:40:56 -0000

Television producers report that Leonard Nimoy will host an exciting updated television series based on wildly popular "In Search Of..." documentaries originally broadcast from 1976-1982.

Among the many myths, urban legends, pseudo-scientific and paranormal phenomena to be addressed in the new series, Nimoy says he will join the Suns in search of the Rebound. Like the Loch Ness Monster and UFOs, the Rebound is notoriously hard to document.

In fact, this scarcity leads many Suns fans to believe that rebounds are actually a hoax or another devilish Stern conspiracy. If the Rebound existed, they should be easily observed by the naked eye or on film. However, little evidence of the existence of rebounds could be intuited from the Suns recent games.

However, it's possible that the Rebound may be undetectable by the naked eye or by conventional cameras. X-ray, infrared and other ghost-hunting technologies may be required.

The shaky scientific basis for the existence of rebounds derives from the logic that missed shots, like the souls of the dead, must go somewhere.

"If the ball doesn't go in the hole, we know that the ball must go somewhere." says Amar'e Stoudemire.

However, we followed up on the question of the existence of the Rebound with acclaimed astrophysicist genius Stephen Hawking. In reply to my email requests, wrote the following in pinkie speak:

01001101011000010111001101110011001000000110100101110011001000000110111001101111011101000010000001100011011011110110111001110011011001010111001001110110011001010110010000101110001000000010000001001111011011100110110001111001001000000110010101101110011001010111001001100111011110010010000001101001011100110010000001100011011011110110111001110011011001010111001001110110011001010110010000101110001000000010000001000001011100110010000001100110011011110111001000100000011100100110010101100010011011110111010101101110011001000111001100101100001000000100100100100000011010110110111001101111011101110010000001110100011010000110010101111001001000000110010101111000011010010111001101110100001000000110001001100101011000110110000101110101011100110110010100100000010010010010011101110110011001010010000001100111011011110111010001110100011001010110111000100000011011110110111001100101001011100010000000100000010011100110111101110111001000000110110001100101011000010111011001100101001000000110110101100101001000000110000101101100011011110110111001100101001011000010000001001001001001110110110100100000011000010111010000100000011101000110100001101001011100110010000001110011011101110110100101101110011001110110100101101110011001110010000001110100011010000110100101110011001000000111000001100001011100100111010001111001001000000110000101110100001000000111010001101000011001010010000001110000011011000110000101111001011000100110111101111001001000000110110101100001011011100111001101101001011011110110111000101110

In other words,translated he says,

Mass is not conserved. Only energy is conserved. As for rebounds, I know they exist because I've gotten one. Now leave me alone, I'm at this swinging this party at the playboy mansion.

Suns PG Steve Nash put the scientific debate in more accessible terms. "We think rebounds exist, because other teams report having them. We just don't know how they get them or where they get them."

We look forward to Leonard Nimoy's new series and the upcoming episode, which may uncover the existence and nature of the Rebound.

San Diego Not Interested in Suns, Really

BSotS NBA Correspondent — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 21:06:29 -0000

In a move slid through the draft hype without much fan-fare, the Phoenix Suns may have already made their most important long term decision. The ~~San Diego~~ Phoenix Suns training camp has been moved from the University of Arizona's "House that New Hated San Antonio Spur Richard Jefferson" built, to the Slim Gym that Suns minority owner Jenny Craig built.

In this unbiased exclusive, we tell you why some fans are upset and why they are totally stupid.

Why Conspiracy Theorists are Upset

We here at the Bright Side of the Sun clearly do not espouse these radical conspiracy theories, but in interest of 720 degree reporting, we recount their inane, paranoid arguments.

Anxious Suns fans might be worried that the Phoenix Suns might fall victim to Stern supported team poaching, just like Basketballless Seattle. Whereas Seattle is clearly the better destination when compared with Oklahoma City, Phoenix does not necessarily enjoy that luxury when compared to rival San Diego, say some unemployed and economically inert bloggers. These warcraft-crazed losers also fantasize about NBA2009 becoming a massively-mulitplayer online role playing game with dragons and wizards competing with superpowered NBA players for magic crystals and energon cubes.

Anyway, these assorted crackpots tell us that the strong ownership ties to San Diego, the local attractions, population, mild climate and the declining financial conditions of the team are all favoring a permanent move to the City of San Diego. Here's a rundown:

Ownership ties - Obviously, if Steve Kerr is to be the GM going forward, he would be a more effective GM if he were in the same city as the team. It would be easier to move the team because, clearly, Steve Kerr isn't moving. Despite Robert Sarver's strong ties to the state, he did spend his years before taking over the Suns in San Diego. Sarver is no stranger to the joys of San Diego life. Then, there's another Phoenix resident and minority owner, Jenny Craig, who is the one with the state-of-the-late-night-infomercial gym in San Diego. It would not be hard to say the ownership group considers San Diego their second home... or first home.
Local Attractions - San Diego has a beach. It also has Sea World. And a beach. And a giant wild animal park. And a beach.
Larger Market - Phoenix technically has a more populous metropolitan area (4.2 vs 3 million residents), but San Diego handily incorporates an extra 5 million Tijuanans in its community, making San Diego easily the bigger market, bigger than all Arizona in fact. And we know the NBA has been marketing Los Sols to the growing and vibrant hispanic community.
Mild Climate - San Diego is one of the few places in America where the winter is better than in Phoenix. It's easily better in summer too.
Declining financial conditions - The lack of team profitability adds a strong sense of urgency to do something to stop the bleeding. Besides the larger San Diego market, a new arena would just cinch things. US Airways Center is now 17 years old, and several generations behind in maximizing high dollar revenue seating and features. Private courtside hot-tubs and playboy bunny servers only make sense in a state-of-the-art basketball facility.

Why They are Totally Stupid

All of the above considerations are totally stupid because they rely on wildly speculative fanblog wankery and because those fans are dorks who can't get girlfriends. They also only consider the issues relative to management, but fail to consider the fans in either Phoenix or San Diego (ok, neither does David Stern but so what?).

We didn't have the time to actually bother polling San Diego residents about the possibility of an NBA franchise relocating, so we carefully simulated a poll using our vast innner resources. Here is what our respondents said (see poll)

Poll

Dear San Diego Resident, how do you feel about the possibility of the Phoenix Suns moving to your city?

Honestly, your team sucks right now

50 votes

Shaq? No thanks, we have Shamu

46 votes

San Diego Suns? Can we have the Clippers instead?

50 votes

It would be great! I love hockey!

66 votes

212 votes | Poll has closed

The Steve Kerr Moron Meter is broken. For reasons all too obvious to enumerate here, the 19-14...

BSotS NBA Correspondent — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 13:12:43 -0000

The Steve Kerr Moron Meter is broken. For reasons all too obvious to enumerate here, the 19-14 Genius margin is clearly erroneous. The Moron Meter is broken. Or is it "fixed"?

Where's the objectivity here?

Jason Richardson buys ad (again)

BSotS NBA Correspondent — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 23:50:28 -0000

One thing Golden State Warrior fans love about Jason Richardson was the $50,000 full page ad he bought apologizing for the 2005-2006 season. Warriors fans congratulated Suns fans, saying we were getting far more than a $14 million dollar per year dunk champion, we were getting a classy citizen in our neighborhood.

Given the current level of the Suns' uberphail, the Bright Side of the Sun Fake News Team has learned that JRich has already purchased another ad. He reportedly told the kinko sales assistant, our very own Phoenix Stan, "Hey, it worked once..."

Hey, Jason Richardunkerson, we still believe. See his ad after the jump.

Shaq Shocks America: Howard the Strawberry Shortcake of the NBA

BSotS NBA Correspondent — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 10:16:07 -0000

Breaking News from the Bright Side of the Sun Fake News Division:

Shaquille O'Neal Shocks America (again)

Orlanda, Fl

In another series of shocking pronouncements, the US economic recovery ground to a halt as Wall Street CEOs were scandalized by Shaquille O'Neal's latest round of trash talk.

Reportedly, our sources (Yahoo!) reveal that Shaq was quoted to have said, “I’m really too old to be trying to outscore 18-year-olds. It’s not really my role anymore.”

We have no proof that he went on to say, "Dwight Howard is the Strawberry Shortcake of the NBA." However, it's entirely possible he could have had the opportunity to say it. In fact, we consider it highly likely.

The incident came after Shaq's recent association of Chris Bosh and RuPaul and his long held assertion that Erick Dampier is really Ericka Dampier.

"What Shaq is doing is the worst crime in America," said 50 billion dollar ponzi-schemer Bernie Madoff. "After that raunchy stuff about ass-tasting and now this!"

Former CEO of Lehman Brothers, Richard S. Fuld, Jr. agreed. "Shaq's smack isn't funny, it really depresses the country and the economy. In that sense, it's really unpatriotic. I find it hard to work following these harsh criticisms."

Meanwhile, FED Chairman Ben Bernanke braces for the stock market fall-out of Shaq's statements. "Trash talk really doesn't have any place in sports. I'm not aware that at anytime in the history of sports from ancient times to the current times, from the playground to professional arena, that anyone has engaged in such baseless and offensive conversation." said the FED Chairman this morning before an FOMC meeting on whether Dunkin Donuts or Krispy Kreme tasted better and which should get much needed bailout money.

However, not all are offended by Shaq's portrayal of rival NBA players. Richard Simmons said, "I think its GREAT for Dwight to release his inner Shortcake! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay!" We had to cut off the rest of his quote.

Richard Simmons is not the only Shaq fan left in America. "Why not? This feminization of the NBA is a positive step," suggested Gloria Steinem. "The WNBA is crumbling. That the only female referee has not been a big step forward into the million dollar locker rooms of the athletic world. You pea-brained twits go on with your Rosy Palmer jokes..." she complained with disgust.

President Barack Obama issued a press release early this morning. He personally requested, in the interest of international relations, that Shaq not call Yao Ming the "Shirley Temple of the NBA" anymore.

Be Sure to Book Shawn Marion for your next Bar Mitzvah!

BSotS NBA Correspondent — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 01:18:03 -0000

Be Sure to Book Shawn Marion for your next Bar Mitzvah!

Act now, to secure Shawn "The Matrix" Marion for your child's special day.

Recent bookings!

- Spud Webb for the Special Olympics
- Jack Tatum for the Cocopah Casino
- Bob Feller for the Oklahoma City Auto Auction
- Nick Anderson for Brighthouse Networks

Cancelled - Lakers @ Suns b/c "outcome too obvious"

BSotS NBA Correspondent — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 02:25:12 -0000

In a bold move to reinvigorate the NBA in these tough economic times, David Stern has moved to cancel Sunday's Suns game against the Lakers. Instead, ABC will replay re-runs of the Bachelor.

"The outcome was just too obvious," said NBA power broker David Stern, "We expect Lakers fans to say that the Suns have no chance, but when we also saw Suns fans say the same thing, we knew it to be true."

Besides exciting re-runs of the Bachelor, true fans can watch the ESPN/Accuscore's 10,000 simulations of the game on NBA League Pass.

"The simulations can actually be more exciting than the real game, because it happens faster and we load up fewer commercials." said one technician, who goes by the nickname "Scooby".

"And for Suns fans, they can watch the 3 games of the 10,000 where the Suns actually win." Scooby said. "Those games were actually a programming glitch, since we all know that the Suns have no chance of winning on Sunday."

The NBA Players Union is upset because the players will not be paid for not playing in Sunday's game.

"NBA 2K9 cannot be made without the players. ESPN's Accuscore cannot be generated without the players playing the game. There's talk that next season will be completely simulated. They'll want to steal our DNA and not pay us at all." said Derek Fisher, who's daughter has never been heard of again, since he got out of Utah and moved back to LA.

Critics argue that the Suns imploding season has "more drama" than Jason ditching Melissa for Molly. However, everyone agrees that Jillian was more woman than Jason could handle.

Our contacts at Stern's office reported his grinchly glee at having finally broken the optimism of Suns fans after 41 years of stealing their hopes, dreams and joys.

"Finally!" he sighed with satisfaction.

This Just In The Spurs are cowards. Oh yes. We knew they were dirty, but now we know they are...

BSotS NBA Correspondent — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 02:31:13 -0000

This Just In

The Spurs are cowards. Oh yes. We knew they were dirty, but now we know they are also cowards. Their colors shouldn't be the black and white of common criminals, it should be yellow and brown. Cowardly and dirty.

And anyone who doesn't want to admit it, talk about it, wants to hide under the banner of sportsmanship, I have a recommendation for you. Click.

BSotS Exclusive: A first look at Amare's new look

BSotS NBA Correspondent — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 07:27:44 -0000

Suns papparazzi have obtained this photograph of Amare's torn iris. It could be a fake, in fact it may only be a simulation from other known torn iri found on google.

Looking closely at Amare's right eye, the iris appears torn creating a "D" instead of the normal "O" as seen in his left eye. Could Amare's torn iris an Omen? Could this be Amare going from focus on Offense to keeping one eye on Defense?

Get well soon, Amare! (and please stay celibate for the next 10 days!)

Time will tell. In the meantime, if you wonder about Amare's goggle choices, here are some of his specs used in the past. Clicky.--->

Amare will be your food server this evening.

Barry Gossage/suns.com

Yes, these are prescription sunglasses.

Breaking News: Suns Build Around Amare, trade for new starters!

BSotS NBA Correspondent — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 00:04:42 -0000

In shocking news, broken orignally by Ted Bauer of ESPN, the SUNS franchise was shaken today when Nash, Shaq, Bell and Hill were traded for Nickelodean's Muno, Foofa, Brobee, Toodee and Plex. The article also has video of the new starting lineup doing Amare's "Amare Dribble Dancey Dance."

"NBA rules did not require the salaries to match in this trade, because it did not involve another NBA team. Although Nickelodean is clearly in the entertainment business as is the NBA, they are considered a different league," informed GM Steve Kerr.

"With this trade, we can further build around Amare," explained a jubilant Head Coach Terry Porter. "These guys could be good. If not, I don't see why we couldn't start Dragic, Lopez and Barnes. Amare's so good it doesn't matter who else is on the team anyway."

"The trade makes us a lot younger and the Nick Jr. contracts are a fraction of the cost of the $48 million we just sent out. We need to clear space anyway to sign Amare to his upcoming super duper mondo cap-killing contract." said President Rick Welts. "Besides, with Hill out of the way, I think my homeboy Barnes may be able to beat out Brobee for the starting small forward position. I have a huge man-crush on him and that was my main intent in this trade. Getting younger and saving $50 million are just icing on the cake."

Owner Robert Sarver broke it down this way: "We just want to put a good product on the floor. Our focus groups said we were not appealing to the 5-and-under fans. If we get that market, we also get the parents and a ton of extra merchandising in McDonald's Happy Meals, Suns Saturday morning cartoons and the Nick Jr. cast would be great for the upcoming All-Star game we host this season."

"Besides, it's not like we were going to win with those old guys anyway. At least this way, we put a colorful, entertaining and intergalactically multiracial team on the floor that will entertain viewers. Our partners at TNT, ESPN, ABC and the local stations couldn't be more pleased." concluded Sarver.

"Dealing with injuries for these monsters is really easy, actually." according to Head Trainer Aaron Nelson, "They are like the Gorilla. If Foofa is injured, we can just overnight Stephon Marbury, ask him to put on the Foofa costume, and run him out there at game time. No one would know the difference," he paused, "...except that Foofa is a team player."

Assistant Coach Dan Majerle will assigned to whipping Muno, Foofa, Brobee, Toodee and Plex into game shape. We caught up with him drinking in the afternoon with several under age girls at a bar downtown. "I'm excited. This is what I do. I was a tough player. I'm gonna be tough on these guys. I'm gonna get Charles Barkley in here to stick an elbow into their throats and push them around. He's gonna really Barneyfy these guys."

Calls to dejected Steve Nash, Raja Bell, Grant Hill and Shaq were not initially returned. Their pissy press agents mentioned Europe, Russia, Canada, The Dutch Antilles and Panama as possible destinations for the one-time starters of an NBA elite team. Nash's agent apoplectically lamented that this was not how the 2-time MVP's career should end. "It's not even f***ing Sesame Street!" we heard the agent complain.

Executives at Nickelodean, however, remained quite confident that they would see the players in their new teletubbie uniforms and ready for the new TV shoots by next week. "For US$20MM, we think we can get the Big Ham Shaq to do just about anything. He's already teaching kids about internet safety anyway. This just allows him to do it full-time. He may not be a sheriff, but he can play one on tv, provided he wears this teletubbie outfit" said one 21 year old TV exec with a jaded giggle. (We were later told that the guffaws, snickers and unusually loud snorts we heard in the background of the conference call were about an unrelated thing.)

Hill's agent was more philosophical, "I don't give a damn if Grant has to prance around in tights with Strawberry Shortcake - I still get paid the same." he said. "Serves Grant right, he should've taken more money when he had the chance. I gotta a family to feed."

The players do have to complete an intensive physical examination by Nickelodean school nursing team, however. "We don't want them to catch a cold on their first day of shooting." said one unregistered nurse.

There's an added bonus to the deal. MVP Hopeful Amare Stoudemire said, "They even gave us spare costumes. So we have backups!"