Showing their big red monkey asses the Big Ten proved once again that the masses that give the Big Ten "no respect" are founded in their positions.  Led by the State of Michigan losing 101 to 21 the conference must once again deal with their collective shame.  In the process Rich Rod without a doubt sealed the deal for Jim Harbaugh to be on the Michigan sideline next year.  Also Joe Pa, who's Nittany Lions had shot today, looked more confused about where he was and what he was doing then ever before.  And lastly, Bielema decked out in a zip to the chin loose at the waist warmup that looked more appropriate for the cheerleader squad was soundly out coached in todays final game of the sweep.  What a day of collective fail!

And although it was not New Years day, Nebraska showed they are ready to Join the conference.  Iowa and Illinois must not have gotten the memo from the Big Ten Office.

Always quick to make another buck off of others misfortune, the Betty Ford Clinic is strongly considering opening a branch office in the Hayden Fry Football Center.  Based on recent results and the promise of improved drug testing in the Iowa athletic department Betty Ford spokesperson Norbert Dorkenfuss said "the prospects for serving both the university and the BFC profit goals could be well served here at Iowa".  Barta refused to comment on this or the rumor that the helmet decals tonight would not say ANF but BFC.  More to come on this.......

Head for the fucking hills, uncap the bomb shelter.  With news that Paki would be the starting RB and rumors of more forced absenteeism from the Insight Bowl, the Vegas boys said fuck this noise and gave the line the death yank.  They typically don't do this on a whim, I surmise they have info that is going to cause Iowa players to go both ways against the Tigers due to diminished numbers..  Word is James Ferentz may have to do the old sandlot quarterback hike to himself and double as center and QB  Can it get any fucking lower, wait for the Tuesday press conference, I am betting it will go a lot lower. What a fucking crash landing.........

Every since the Sports Illustrated cover with DJK things have been going south as mandated by the rules of the curse.  Last year not all that bad, Stanzi ankle injury, OT loss a OSU.  This year however it caught up to us like a untreated dose of the clap.  Turns out it takes a little time to get up to full speed but when it does cover your balls cause you are in for a long rough ride. And now the crowning jewel of this shit sandwich of a season cuffed and incarcerated one of the few shining stars of this otherwise meltdown of epic proportions deals us the final fan fuck you of 2010.  Not even an embarrassing loss to Missouri in the Who Gives a Shit Bowl could eclipse this.

In distinguishing himself in this fashion, DJK has put himself in the running for a couple more awards.  The first being the "Brent Moss Award" which goes to the Big Ten star that best demonstrates evidence of overcoming the indecision between becoming a wealthy NFL player or a drug dealer with a record.  He has also been tagged as finalist for the "Wouldn't Touch Him With a Fucking 10 Foot Pole Award"  which goes to the NCAA player that is removed from every NFL scouts Rolodex in one 24 hour period.

To all of you pouring out your hearts to DJK in his hour of trouble, I understand and am with you. I really liked this kid and feel horrible for him, his family, for you and for me .  HOWEVER, there are mistakes and there are colossal fuck ups in judgement on the door step of a prize realized by a small fraction of one percent that strap on the pads and dream.  This my friends is clearly the latter.  Hopefully this is it and the curse will fade away with DJK.

The last trip to the Twin Cities by the Hawkeye’s had many highlights during the 55-0 ass thrashing but none quite as interesting as what happened in the men’s room during the second half.  Turns out SheWhoWillNotBeNamed, after far too many plastic cups of Chardonnay, had a brief sexual encounter with another drunken Hawkeye fan she had just met moments earlier in the corridor outside the men’s room.   The encounter ended when the “buzz kill” security cops showed up and unhooked the couple.

While I doubt SheWhoWillNotBeNamed will be attending the game on Saturday hopefully some brave and or highly intoxicated Iowa fans will consider carrying on this rich tradition by christening a men’s room at TCF Bank Stadium  the new Kinnick North.  We all know tradition is what college football is all about.

Most of you dedicated yet disillusioned Hawk fans are far too young to remember the dark years of Iowa football that fell between Evy and Hayden.  We had 4 of the worst coaches to ever grace a division 1 locker room who brought us disappointment beyond measure.  During those years which were my formative years I learned how to cope with the disappointment and humiliation that came with being a Hawk fan and feel it is my duty to pass along some of what I learned in those years to help you cope with your feelings of let down and disbelief.  Here it goes:

1.  LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS.  Even if  the team goes 11-2, wins a BCS Bowl, has a perfect home schedule, returns 15 plus starters and has a crop of talent unseen in a decade or more do not expect a repeat or better even though the whole goddamn world does.  Don't listen to them.  According to Coach Kirk "those are someone Else's expectations not ours".  You see if you adjust your expectations downward as the Iowa coaching staff has you can receive what you expect.  It is just as simple as lowering the bar to enjoy a successful campaign and reduced stress in your already complicated life.

2.  LEARN TO RECOGNIZE AND EMBRACE THE MORAL VICTORY.  Jim Zabel taught me this trait listening to WHO all those years ago when I learned the thrill and accomplishment that came from losing to a heavily favored opponent by a narrow margin say between (3-21 points).  Using this system we would not be a very respectable 7-4 but we be a great 10-1.  Losing to a favored Ohio State team by a slim 3 point margin is a great example of a moral victory.  Embrace it, head to the Airliner and spend the night talking about the maybes and what could have been with a wide drunk stupid smile on your face, after all you are the moral victor.

3.  NEVER EXPECT A POSITIVE  RESULT FROM A FINAL DRIVE.  Forget the fact that the team pulled this off so many times last year, that was an anomaly that the coaching staff did a great job of correcting in 2010.  To prevent the fan base to from building false hopes of a final drive miracle the staff has implemented a strategy of working from under center rather than the shotgun, leave the same guy who manages the Gatorade cups in charge of clock management, call time when you should spike, never go back to a sideline pass that worked all day and allow more sacks during this drive than you have the last 59 minutes.  This time can now be confidently used to head toward the parking lot for a quick exit and a better seat at the Airliner or if you are watching on TV switch over to another game where the outcome just doesn't matter either.

4.  ADOPT THE PATENTED GUM POUNDING FERENTZ GLAZED OVER BLANK STARE.  While all the coaches in the dark years Jerry, Frank, Ray and Bob displayed great agony and animation with their facial expressions, Kirk has adopted this gum killer stare that is completely devoid of emotion.  Even when his son has forgotten the snap count (something centers seldom do) for the 3rd time during the game he calmly pulls out the "you fucked up" note pad and makes his notes without any change in expression.  You too can choose to take on this expressionless stare as it helps mask any of those "I would really like to win" feelings that might creep back in,  (Gum chewing optional contact your dentist for advice).

I was reluctant to suggest any linkage between this year's team with the dark years of old as we clearly have a much better product on the field.  However, with the anguish I have witnessed  from my fellow Hawk fans since the Michigan State game, I thought it might be a great time to share some of these tried and tested coping skills from so many years ago. If it saves just a few Hawk fans from mental despair it will have been worth it. Here's hoping for a good showing next Saturday, but rest assured I have strapped on my "New Fan Think" just in case.

(No profanity in titles. -- Ross)

It's about time for KF to spit out his gum and takeover the play calling from 3 and out KOK.  What the fuck? After the Arizona shit on a shingle display I said we are headed for 8-4 or 7-5.   I would say I will not hear the arguments I heard then.  What a fucking waste of talent, this is on the shitty coaching.  Two weeks in a row the offense has been for shit.  Strap on your hat, we are in for an ass kicking next week.  What the fuck??

For the first time in Joe Pa's endless run at P State, he has lost to the same starting quarterback 3 years in a row, now that's what I call a fucking hog kill......HUUUH!  That's right it has never happen to Joe Pa over all these years.  The longer JP hangs around the more of these statistical humiliations will find their way into his record book.

Why is it that many of greats in most every sport try to hang on for that one more day in the sun.  Many players and coaches make this common mistake driven primarily by swollen ego's.  Saturday Joe was wandering the sideline like my grandpa looking for a restroom about to piss his pants.  Stripped of his headphones his involvement in what used to be his mastered craft has been relegated to taking up space on the sideline.  Oh yes, his redheaded feild general stops by once in a while to whisper in his ear, most likely to tell him to stop drooling or to zip up his fly. But it is clear he has nothing to do with happens between the white lines.

I still have great respect for what Joe has accomplished over his very long and successful career but his departure is long over due.  At the end of the day hanging on is the ultimate selfish act as it  severely jeopardizes both Joe's legacy and the great program he built and so loves.

And Ricky, congratulations on this distinguished accomplishment, you stand alone in this catagory.

Last night at Arizona I along with many others experienced a painful disappointment fueled by unusually high expectations of what might have been in 2010,  which is deeply in doubt at the moment.  The disappointment came not as much from the loss but from the fact that not one element of this talented team performed.  Offense, defense, special teams, coaches, players all were fucking horrible.  Any game that has a blocked punt resulting in a score, a kick off run back for a touchdown, a pick six, numerous dropped passes, a missed extra point and a game closing series of 4 straight sacks qualifies for cluster fuck status.  Clearly at the end of this one the only thing we could do with the game ball would be to give it to Arizona or punt it. Worst of all the TV talking heads who have been looking over there glasses as they spew their "Iowa is over rated"  crap were made to look like they all knew something we all did not.

Thus we find ourselves at a crossroads early in the 2010 season.  From this incredible moment of failure reality the team will either crumbled into a pathetic 7-5  season and a trip to the Dog Shit bowl in early December or they will find the strength to rally into a solid team of capable players and make a run at the conference championship.  If they are as disillusioned as I am right now that will be a tall task.  We will find the answer to this question in a couple of weeks.  I am hopefully that Kirk, his coaches and the senior leaders on this team will pull this back together.

The single positive I was able to glean from the Arizona game is this:  On the outside chance that there is a young man somewhere out there considering both Iowa and Arizona as choices to continue his football playing days, we clearly won that one.  That glassy eyed, visor wearing crazed fuck Mike Stoops sealed that one.  Any player or parent of a player who watched this game would not want their kid anywhere near this sideline nut case.  On the other side of the field, Kirk calmly pulls his "you fucked up" note pad from his pocket and makes a note for later discussion. However last night I am sure he ran out of paper.

While Waiting for the Hawkeye’s to come on Saturday I tuned into the Minnesota-SD game.  What I found half way through the first quarter was a bunch marshmallow soft fat assed lineman all with their shirt tails hanging out looking about as conditioned as a bunch of 30 something beer guzzling semi pro players.  Then in the second quarter trailing 21 to 10 one of the fattest of fat asses after stopping a SD runner for no gain jumps to his feet and does a superbowlvictorystrut with his head tilted back in crowing fashion while he did the long step in a wide semi circle .  A few minutes later Adam Weber gets in the face of a SD defender after making a modest gain with a how dare you tackle me scolding and it dawns on me…..

This team has a complete and total lack of discipline, which starts with Brewster.  He has no control over this hapless out of shape collection of low talent slobs. I can’t wait for the inaugural trip to the new “Kinnick North”.  It should be an ass kicking of epic proportions.

I remember well Hayden’s first season at Iowa back in the late 70s when he said, “until we are winners you can bet we will look and act like winners”.  Good advice that has somehow slid by Timmy B.

Pictured at the " Fuck the Big 12, Every Man for Himself" press conference, Tom Osborne had a shit eating grin like he had inserted himself into the game at quarterback and threw the winning touchdown pass against Oklahoma as time expired!  Now that the big money grab has successfully been executed, Tom best known for reinventing himself can move on to his new career as a casket model for funeral suits.

Now I read that the tradition bankrupt Wisconsin Badgers are angling for a end of the season showdown with the Cornhuskers....Don't Bret and Barry understand that rivalries are developed over years not plucked from the schedule like they are filling a Sam's Club shopping cart, what a pair of dumb asses.  Plus with the meltdown nature of these two programs of late it would probably be a who gives a shit yawner with nothing at stake anyway.

The stories go on and on like a bunch of hunched over horse handicappers diminished from years of smelling horseshit and hot dogs arguing about which horses will finish 4th on back, it just doesn't matter.  The part of this thing we love, college football, will go on.  Some will get richer, some will get poorer but in the end the product will be essentially the same.  That is what matters. 

We need another story to fixate on to get this distraction out of our minds.  Maybe Pete Carroll will fess up he was banging multiple coeds and knew full well Reggie Bush was making more money than he was at USC.  Oh by the way, rumor has it that Iowa State is making a play at joining the MAC and if that fails strong consideration is being given to dropping down to 1AA and becoming an Independent powerhouse.

September can't come soon enough.

An associate of mine was at the NFL party at the Super Bowl and encountered Bob Griese pressing the flesh.  Small talk led to conversation about the Big Ten when out of the blue Bob G. said "can you believe that Iowa quarterback, he will give the other team a pick six on the first play of the game then battle back and win".   Bob, unaware of the correct lingo meant to say a "Rick Six" and he could have just mentioned that he opens the game with a "Stanziball" and saved a lot of words.

Anyway it is rewarding to learn our boy is being noticed by a NFL and Big Ten Great for his unequaled sportsmanlike conduct of keeping the games close and helping the other team score now and then.

Capping off a wonderful night of Hawkeye greatness was the most bizarre question poised to Ricky Stanzi by Chris Myers after first referring to his knee injury (knee, ankle what's the difference). Myers says “you are from middle America, did you feel like you were representing something more than Iowa and the Big Ten tonight”?  WTF!   How about a question about the game, the interception or something halfway relevant?

Stanzi reacted like a beauty pageant contestant caught off guard by a question about world peace.  Ricky did his best to give an answer to this idiotic question while his teammates were laughing their asses off in the background.   Chris must have momentarily thought it was the 4th of July and he was doing the NASCAR race interviewing Dale Jr. and needed a little patriotic twist to his hapless interview.  I am sure he was working from a tight script and when Stanzi appeared for an impromptu interview he was screwed because he had no prepared question to work from.

This dunce does every sporting event Fox carries and doesn’t know a goddamn thing about any of them.  It causes one to wonder how he every got this job (must be a relative to some Fox exec.) and more interesting how he keeps it.  Thank god this is the end of the Fox BCS contract.

Anyway, hats of to the Hawks, the coaches and the great group of Iowa fans in attendance.  What a great way to finish a most enjoyable season.  Too bad we have to wait 8 long months for more of this…  And Ricky, I too am proud to be an American.

When I first heard mention of "Pay TV" I had a vision of a steel coin box bolted to the TV not unlike the ones found on vibrating beds in cheesy motels of days past.  Rounding out that vision was me standing there pushing quarters into the box to watch I love Lucy.  That vision has now transformed to one of Network, Satellite, Cable and local TV executives with their pants around their ankles fighting to get to the front of the line forming behind my exposed ass.  While being transported from a 19" black and white with rabbit ears and 3 channels to my 55" HD with 260 channels TV moved from free to a monthly fee that exceeds my first house payment.   And still the TV execs look for more ways to separate us from more of our money.   We have been led to this place by willingly paying a higher toll at every turn in this journey.                      

This high stakes money grab is coming home to roost in the form of the Sinclair-Mediacom battle over money that is likely to leave thousands of Hawkeye fans without access to the Orange Bowl.  But this isn't the first time, this story is being repeated everywhere as everyone has joined the money grab including the Big Ten Network, the NFL Network, Major League Baseball and everything else of any viewing interest.  Pretty soon you won't be able to watch anything other than M*A*S*H* reruns without purchasing it on a pay per view basis on top of your growing cable or satellite bill. 

Maybe your congressman Loebsack (D-IA)  (sounds like a porn star name) can get something done with the FCC but I doubt it because you can bet your ass there are plenty of lobbyists in place to prevent it.  I do think it is a good idea to write your congressman about this and other viewing injustices that are sweeping the sports world.  Maybe he can take a break from pissing away our financial futures to legislate some decent programming to watch without putting more quarters into the box.